HEDGE FUND THREATENS POCONOS

Hedge Funds in Northeastern Appalachians, circa 2018

(Pee Wee, West Virginia) A massive hedge fund is moving toward Pennsylvania this morning, swallowing up everything in its path. Leaving a wake of devastated flora and fauna as well as smoldering forests, the growing hedge fund is expected to engulf the Delaware Water Gap by nightfall. After that the Cranberry Bogs of Roscarberry are at risk.

Seismologists here detected an ominous tectonic plate shift as far away as Trout Run back in May but were instructed to keep the information top secret until the gov’ment could establish half-truths and potential alibis as to its role in the certain disaster.

Spreading its gooey, quicksand muck across an already desperate landscape the high-risk assailant is living on borrowed time. However, after three weeks it has not slowed its demonic, methodical march to the Ohio Valley and beyond.

Victims of roving hedge funds await rescue near Hershey

Even classic survivors like rats and roaches have met their maker moments after the deluge covered everything in slime and hedge silt. There is no antidote for the horrid reality of succumbing to the sludge. As insane as it may sound, surfers have congregated near the source of the hedge fund hoping to catch a wave like no other since the dawn of

(For more turn to Wall Street In Chains on Soft News)

In Other News: 67% of Americans void of lifestyle says Census Bureau.