Gun Lobbyists Angry Over Dodging Bullet Reference

(Washington) The weapons industry is up in arms this morning after a wire services report asserting that the group had “dodged a bullet” on further gun control legislation.

The noted reprieve allegedly occurred after the House voted to table a discussion on further background checks at the time of a purchase and the option of a follow-up investigation if red flags present themselves down the road.

Several Republican gun proponents say the terminology was insensitive and it suggested they could make great targets.

“These enemies of the people will stop at nothing to turn America over to the socialists,” said one representative bankrolled by the weapons lobby.

“Just look around. The country is full of whackos with assault rifles and this article clearly puts pro-gun officials in the line of fire.”

The editors of this piece say they were not encouraging violence or enabling hate groups even though the other side does so every day. They say they were simply writing a headline and that the expression, while admittedly “close to the core” was spot on and “a damn good use of the language”.

When asked if they thought the media was in part to blame for gun violence they did not respond.

“These elected officials are trading the story and safety of their country for 40 pieces of silver, aren’t they?” asked one journalist who contributed to the report. “People are irresponsible and abusive with everything from umbrellas to paper clips. Why would we expect any difference from a man holding a loaded gun?”

Responsible gun owners, keen to separate themselves from all this pettiness in the capital, contend that all the laws in the universe would not keep guns out of the hands of criminals.

“They just buy illegally,” said one pro-gun activist. “We must change the consciousness of an entire nation that was built on violence. That won’t be easy but flapdoodle restriction on my owning guns is not the answer. I’ve got mountain lions running all over hell out at my place. If a hungry one comes to the door what should I do? Should I hit it with a dishtowel?

“While most gun owners are peaceful and responsible others should not have access to firearms at all. How could society achieve this balance without government intervention? Can these sociopaths be expected to police themselves?” he asked.

The “offended parties” threatened to take legal action after consultation with benefactors and a peek at the polls.

“The suggestion that they have dodged a bullet indicates that my clients were being shot at by someone,” said attorneys for the offended parties. “That statement alone incites violence and these scribes should be severely punished for irresponsible reporting, lewd partisanship and scapegoating.”

– Small Mouth Bess