Fish Alarmed by Cyclical Drought

Turncoat trout and Cock-eyed salmon have filed a lien on Colorado Department of Snow and Raindrops stipulating that docks and levees do not comply with drought specifications. The two species, along with longtime whipping boys, the rainbows, natives and browns, are demanding first water rights in the event of a drought.

Sources linked to water usage say the demands, disguised as a passing concern by some, are unfathomable and that the fish need to get a grip. They reminded voters that water storage costs money and the budget was stretched beyond belief.

“We can’t get a grip for them,” explained one DOW source. “They are far too slippery.”

Colorado fish pay no taxes and create a documented strain our social resources. Fiscal conservatives along with liberals suggest that the DOW divert funds from license sales to help the needy in rivers and streams. These pleas seem to have fallen on deaf ears.

Of corpse counseling is available but there are cultural and linguistic barriers to contend with and often the limbless, cold-blooded vertebrates bring a bad attitude to the sessions.

“They all think they are the Big Fish when in fact they are insignificant whiners, said one local angler who baits his own hook and makes hush puppies in his bathtub.

“These slimy bastards think they have a right to water just because they have dorsal fins,” said a CDSR spokesman who commented off the record. They have even threatened to sabotage our crumbling infrastructure. Maybe we should start jailing trouble makers and undesirables under the Zero Tolerance Act like they do over at the War on Drugs agency.”

Private prisons have expressed little interest in including fish or animals of any kind in their prison population. Issues such as security and violence in the exercise yard are blamed for that hesitancy, even though an increased inmate count could be quite lucrative. The lack of legs and arms appears to be the dilemma.

“Very few of these creatures smoke anything or drive drunk so we have no means of punishing them for unpatriotic meanderings,” said the spokesperson. “I wish that people would stay in their homes and fish would stay in the water. Our gov’ment is doing the best it can do and doesn’t need rebellious input,” he gasped. “If the fish don’t like it here in America maybe they should swim to Mexico or Canada.”

– Uncle Pahgre