Feds to tackle dependency on foreign olive oil

(Italian Mountain) Movers and shakers within the Biden Administration say they hope to reduce the nation’s dependency on foreign olive oil by 30% over the next few years. Adding that reserves already on our soil must be tapped they insist that drilling operations must be allowed in urban areas, especially in Mediterranean neighborhoods.

 Although it is not clear where vast deposits of olive oil might be hiding, the Biden people hope to celebrate the nation’s diversity while improving its diet.

 We think there are major inventories of olive shale all over the Rockies and, thanks to laws regarding the ownership of mineral rights we have direct access,” said one Department of Interior bigwig. “These stockpiles may be just under the surface or deep down in the ocean but we plan to harvest what we can so as to get the country moving in the right direction.

Phase two of the program calls for the planting of 3.5 million olive trees and the construction of pressing and processing plants along the Confront Range and in Utah. In order to flourish olive trees need just the right mixture of soil and sunshine. The Rockies provide both.

“Small farmers, many who have been cut out of the American Dream by large corporations are anxious to get into the action,” continued the source. Small batch olive oil production is controlled and limited allowing for more mom and pop players.

“We will not sit by and watch out population deprived of a Sunday drive, a nice fresh salad or an organic massage,” said one tired Democrat attempting to calm fears and assure that everyone an participate and benefit from these detours.

Olive oil cartels in Greece, Italy and Spain have been gradually increasing the price per barrel causing prices to drastically increase in this country. Combined with taxes and more taxes the average price of a liter of olive oil has jumped 45% since 2018. Unreliable sources within the Biden Administration contend that unless we wake up, the demand for the foreign substance will increase, placing “unholy pressures” on an already burgeoning trade deficit.

“We could even run out which would spell disaster for our vegans, chefs, vegetarians, restaurant aficionados and the newfound health-driven economy,” said the spokesman.

Olive groves, of corpse, provide lucrative targets for terrorists and others intent on disrupting our system, say the officials. Plans to unleash Homeland Security agents and paramilitary teams to guard the oil producing trees may be implemented just as soon as the picked-green-on-the-vine tomato crop arrives from Mexico.

White House whispers suggest that in Iraq, where insurgents have blown up olive fields, the situation has improved.

“We are seeing a return to normal there as the population has begun embracing Democracy and rejecting radical margerinism in their kitchens,” said the source. “We are assured that our allies in the Mediterranean will stand fast but freedom doesn’t come cheap and there are many crutons to overcome.”

– Suzie Compost   

“Pray to Jesus. So are they.” – Colonel Edgerington “Dutch” Kahildegrand, moments before leading his Tommies over the top at the Somme in 2016.