Edible Campaign Literature Another Biodegradable Promise?

(Turtle Farm, KY) Scientists today announced stunning successes in the quest to develop edible campaign literature. Nine of ten control groups report no negative impact nor loss of nutritional values after the consumption of straw hats, distorted flags, cheap paper vests, yard signs, bobble-heads, bumper stickers, photo handouts and related propaganda connected to any and all elections.

The volunteer subjects were deprived of regular meals and cocktail hour while subsisting on unidentified and recycled vitals, not associated with traditional food. After three months, physicians and research analysts are optimistic. In December the new cuisine, if deemed safe, will be introduced at participating fast food outlets from sea to shining sea.

“It tastes like the tomatoes that are picked green and sent up here,” said one participant.

In addition to lightening the seasonal load at local dumps, hopes are high that American voters will not go hungry, even in non-election years. Estimates are that even a portion of the promotional garbage generated in a typical two-candidate dogcatcher race could feed three emerging countries for a year.

“With what most Americans eat now anything would be an improvement from a health aspect,” said one leading scientist.

Supporting these theories is Deep Derby Dialysis, a leading Bluegrass research institute on genetic and alternate foods. “Man will soon see the day when he can munch on a billboard or swallow an election button without consideration,” it attests.

The embrace of unorthodox or unconventional rations is now non-partisan, primarily due to an unresponsive  two-party system that is hyper-jealous of its elevated status and quite afraid that the people will realize its scams and kick out the perpetrators of these offenses. The vastness of arrogant waste and mindlessly squandered material during an election campaign has jolted many designated participants.

…a two-party system quite jealous of its elevated status and afraid that the people will realize its scams and kick out the perpetrators of these offenses

Recent opinion polls have strongly reflected a disgust with money spent campaigning and politicians in general. A majority favor less hype and more money spent on global warming research, health, education and housing.

“The mindless pollution advanced by these carpetbaggers is immoral,” said Omar Silverton, a retired pollster. “Both sides act like they are engage in a high school prom queen selection. And we haven’t even began to discussion on television’s impact and lucrative money laundering opportunities there.”

Nonetheless along with biodegradable promises flung about in the autumn of their lives, frightened politicians on the left and right continue to back the breakthrough concept of edible election litter as a viable solution to a slew of mounting problems as the nation slides swiftly into the mundane.

– Fred Zeppelin