Dinosaurs to blame for Slope roads

(Denver) The often-deplorable condition of Western Colorado’s roads is due to centuries of abuse by dinosaurs according to Governor Jared Polis. Likening the destruction to some 50,000 tractor-trailers dropped directly on the asphalt from the sky, the governor praised road crews and defended disbursement of public funds during his reign.

“These mindless lizards never paid one penny of highway tax either,” chimed newly elected Colorado Senator, John Hickenlooper, from the veranda of the gubernatorial mansion here. His appearance would be cut short as weather experts warned of a particularly dangerous brown cloud air index levels, serious enough not to be diluted by hot air originating with Hickenlooper.

The governor went on by blasting critics and free-lance skeptics who were quick to point out that no dinosaurs have roamed these parts for centuries. He equated the lack of attentiveness to history’s manifold destiny and the chronic fiscal irresponsibility of more recent times.

“This is no partisan issue. These animals did the deed many years ago and we are paying for it today,” said Polis. “even before they built Interstate 25.”

“One cannot discount the damage wrought on our transport arteries by these ignorant beasts or enormous mass,” continued the senator. “I am a brewmaster by trade and I’m not brewing far fetched tales here. Other states like Texas and Arizona have far nicer roads and the common denominator there is that no dinosaur bones have been exhumed.”

Governor Polis called on all students of motorized travel to do their homework on this issue. He promised to appoint a committee of archeological teams to further study the problem. Dinosaur fences have been proposed as well as a fossil fuel pipeline from Alberta to the Gulf of Mexico.

“We have already started building dinosaur crossings (with tunnels) and creating a sense of tight security around the more prevalent digs,” said one fossil scientist. “Some of our flaggers have even reported seeing dragons in the Bland Valley and the occasional rogue unicorn on the Uncompahgre Plateau. We must be careful not to upset the natural balance or there goes out chance at cheap gas for another generation.

It is commonly held that one day dead dinosaurs turned into oil much like Rumpelstiltskin straw turned to gold or Pinocchio puppets turned to real boys.

A Colorado Department of Highways spokesman assured voters that the problem would be handled and that residents and visitors alike would once again experience a quality drive on our highways.

“This is outrageous!” said one Republican county commissioner. “Next he’ll be telling us there won’t be a state of the state address because the dinosaurs ate his homework. Imagine our ancestors tied up in traffic trying to get to the gold fields or to the Rapture or to attack sleeping Indian villages. Not on these roads!”

There has been no response to the issue by the powerful dinosaur lobby since it is believed the group has suffered extinction, which according to some is the exact opposite of evolution.

– Kashmir Horseshoe