Days may get shorter warns weatherman

(Denver- Special to The Montrose Mouse October, 2020)

A local weatherman in the Mile High City is boldly predicting that the days will begin to get markedly shorter this fall. In a departure from traditional thought, Balmy Brennan, a longtime climatologist and meteorologist on TV, repeated his forecast, matter-of-factly.

Brennan repeated the stark warning again that afternoon at the Brown Palace Polo Club, much to the astonishment of an assembled entourage who had come to learn about buying precious metals before winter arrives.

“We all know about climate change,” said Brennan, “even though it does not register as a danger to a certain segment of science flunkies in our midst. My calculations clearly indicate that some aspects of the weather will stay the same. The sun will come up and go down. The moon will shine and disappear. The stars will seduce young lovers all within the backdrop of apocalypse. You know the gnashing of teeth and all that.”

The weatherman then rolled up his sleeves and got down to the nitty-gritty as to what people might expect in the coming weeks.

“Somehow a conjunction of the earth and the sun dictate the length of daylight hours,” he explained before hecklers drove him from his podium.

 “Communist! Witch! Liberal!” they screamed as Brennan retreated in to the Ship’s Tavern Bar followed by a pack of paparazzi and a throng of failed Rockies’ relief pitchers who have been hoping that shorter days may help them forget their disastrous season.          

– Tommy Middlefinger

“If we don’t get pregnant with some sort of an heir the peasants will rise up and kill us. They’ll find other royals. They’ll burn down this stone castle. They’ll cut off our heads!”  – Earl Snapper MacGillycuddy, in an attempt to persuade Countess Tilapia to make love as part of traditional Celtic foreplay, Sheeffry Hills, Connemara, Ireland, 1477.