CDOT Crews To Decorate Roadkill

(Gunnison) Due to a still muddy policy as to the timely removal of animal carcasses from the highways, state crews have been instructed to decorate the dead beasts for Christmas. According to a directive from top road officials the crews will “dress up the roadkill with reflecting lights and festive bulbs” until a specific policy on the matter can be determined.

At present jurisdictional conflicts have sullied the waters regarding responsibility for hauling off the carnage caused by collisions with vehicles, usually after dark. Despite a plethora of flashing signs that warn of game crossings, accidents involving herd animals and cars remain about the same as last year.

The action comes as winter knocks at the door. A spokesman for CDOT told The Horseshoe that his department didn’t want to offend visitors by leaving dead animals on the highway but that other priorities had to be considered.

“We want to establish a clear approach to the disposal of these unfortunate victims,” said Eleanor Trout, director of exterior design for the state. “Right now nobody knows where the responsibility for this unpleasant cleanup may lie. We need to examine job descriptions, masterplans and basic hygiene before formulating a solution.”

In the meantime crews will attempt to disguise the roadkill with all kinds of costumes and fanfare. One particularly innovative group near Almont has taken to placing hats and sunglasses on dead deer while an elk killed near Never Sink has been donned with ribbon, balloons, tinsel and solar-powered Christmas lights.

“To the average citizen this behavior may appear insensitive but it’s better than looking at blood and guts,” continued the spokesman. “Our hands are tied here until a specific directive comes down from the top.”

Traditionally crows and magpies have helped ease the tension by employing instinctive janitorial methods while scavengers such as coyotes and developers have also done their part.

“The birds are our best allies but how much can we expect them to do?” asked Trout. “They are small and deer and elk are big. According to our research it takes three weeks for nine crows to eat a deer and over a month for them to consume and elk. Sure, it’s all natural enough but in these days of air-conditioned cars, designer cows and hermetically sealed suburbs it looks shoddy at best.”

While most regional road crews have embraced the idea of decorating the roadkill others have shunned the concept preferring to engage in asphalt patching and mowing operations. In one case crews left a dead mule deer to rot for days while painting guardrails and manicuring shoulders.

“These guys work hard on the highways. Some may be in denial when it comes to removing roadkill but for the most part they are cooperative and do a good job,”added Trout. “After all we’ve built miles and miles of deer fence for these animals and they should shoulder part of the blame”

Officials in Denver say the matter will be resolved just as soon as they return from vacation. – Kashmir Horseshoe

“We don’t have twelve years’ experience in Vietnam. We have one year’s experience twelve times over.”

– John Paul Vann, who died in a helicopter crash near Kon Tum, Vietnam in 1972.