Catsup Legislation on Hot Seat

(Bowling Green, OH — Meatball Examiner — May 2016)

A bitterly contested bill that would punish people who routinely abuse catsup has reached the Colorado Senate this morning. Having passed the House by a vote of more than 3 – 1, the bill seems destined for approval despite heavy lobbying. Attempts to kill the legislation in committee failed and were tabled until tomatoes begin to taste like tomatoes again.

Big Catsup, as represented by Heinz and other mega concerns say the passage of the bill would mean restrictive measures on catsup users upsetting the flow and creating unemployment.

Supporters of the legislation say chefs, cooks, and backyard connoisseurs deserve some relief. They contend that the entire culture is up against the wall of catsup.

“We do not want to criminalize the use of catsup,” said one proponent of the bill. “We just want to discourage its use with certain food groups and certain preparations of certain food groups.”

The issue of catsup abuse has been constantly deferred while the state nonchalantly promises to prosecute him but not her and those people but not the others. It is clear we need state and federal agencies to keep the lid on here.

“Any item that takes more than 20 minutes to prepare should be restricted from the mindless application of catsup,” popped in one supporter of tighter controls. “Omelets, fish, prime cuts of meat and most ethnic food should never be catsup tampered or in any way transformed by the application of sweet, cold tomato sauce.”

In related news, burger magnate Ronald McDonald, the fast food clown who succeeded in convincing the federal gov’ment that catsup was a vegetable back in 1982, was run over by a tofu truck in Grand Junction this afternoon. He passed on after a short struggle on the cold floor of one of his nearby restaurants, a fighter until the end.

– Hymie Heinz