CANE LICENSE DEADLINE LOOMS

Montrose) People carrying canes have until Thursday to procure licenses for same or face stiff fines. Whether a citizen is using the cane as a tool, a crutch, a walking stick or simply an accessory, he must comply with the new regulation.

Critics of the law say it is just another agist step toward a national ID card. They say that although the card is presented as necessary security against illegal aliens and terrorists it is just another attempt by the federal control freaks to look up your dress/down your shorts.

“I’d prefer trainloads of illegal immigrants in my backyard rather than have an ID number stenciled on my forehead,” said Rocky Flats, a semi-retired atomic scientist and frequent cane user from Olathe. “I’m gonna use my cane and I’m not gonna buy no damn license. Them that gets in my way wanting to see credentials will get a close up look at my walking stick, you betcha.”

A free-lance gov’ment source defended the action.

“We don’t want to get involved in people’s personal lives, no sireee…We just want to defuse a potentially explosive scenario before it becomes a life threatening situation,” smiled Suzanne Compost of the Committee for Public Safety. “What with all those baby boomers hitting senior status we expect to see more people using canes. In fact, we estimate that cane use will all but double by the year 2020.”

Compost went on to deny rumors that the authorities will patrol older neighborhoods checking paperwork, observing suspicious behavior and kicking canes out from under elderly people who choose to ignore the law.

“That’s ridiculous,” she quipped. “Some of those old farts carry mace, bite and have mean cats. Why would we jeopardize the safety of our people? Our policy is to wait till these criminals take a nap on a park bench, lay their canes down at the local cafeteria or go to pick up their sociable security checks at the mailbox, then we simply the seize the illegal cane.”

The AARP, the ACLU, Reader’s Digest, the manufacturers of Viagra and several prune juice processing plants have promised to appeal the new legislation.

– Manuel Flushe

Imaginary Friend Population on the Rise

(Denver) The number of imaginary friends claimed by residents of the Confront Range has almost doubled since this time last year. Experts say the jump is the result of growing disenchantment and constant stress experienced in higher population areas.

Imaginary friends, defined as anyone from a fantasy pal to an invisible advisor, tend to surface when real people just don’t cut the mustard. They are, in turn, attracted to lonely people who find themselves the victim of the 21st Century—People who constantly breathe bad air, people who spend their lives stuck in traffic or crammed into the cheery suburbs.

“These are not to be confused with guardian angels,” explains Dr. Efram Pennywhistle of the Lookout Mountain Helicopter Traffic Brown Cloud Symposium. “They cannot be claimed as dependents on tax returns and are not recorded on the national census.”

Pennywhistle says guardian angels are good spirits while imaginary friends run the gamut from helpful to destructive. He adds that a pretend passenger can be of great worth while negotiating I-25 at rush hour or on the ol’ riding mower at dusk.

“We had one joker up here in Golden who claimed his imaginary friend bought him cheap vodka and made him drink it while driving up Clear Creek to the Central City casinos. Upon arrival the imaginary friend allegedly made him gamble away his paycheck and later threaten security personnel. When police arrived, and arrested the man,” quipped Pennywhistle, “the imaginary friend was nowhere to be seen.”

Up till now most urban planners and social scientists have chosen to ignore the existence of these others preferring to focus on logistical problems having to do with physical matter and space.

“It was bad enough trying to create housing for the first string (living, breathing humans) without worrying about these imagined individuals,” said one planner. “Now we have to build imaginary interstate highways, locate imaginary low income housing, develop imaginary neighborhoods and even maintain imaginary schools for their children. The impact on social services is astounding. We still haven’t figured out how to tax them and sell them licenses but that day is coming.”

In private, many sociologists resent the imaginary friends whom they say are parasites at best out only for a good time. Most feel humans would be better dealing directly with trauma rather than creating beefed-up linemen to do their blocking for them.

“Any way that modern man can deal with the bombardment of stimuli is acceptable,” explained Jorge Thorwell, a professor of Latter Day Metaphysics at Cal Amari University (Compton Fire Base). “These poor unfortunates in washed cars live life at a blow by blow pace traveling the robot highway in a world turned to bad science fiction. The road noise alone drives most slowly insane.”

At press time the number of imaginary friends living between Ft. Collins and Trinidad is estimated at about 500,000. While most have assimilated into ancient Colorado culture (they are Bronco fans) their presence is a constant threat to the fragile peace and harmony along that stretch of Colorful Colorado. – Fred Zeppelin

 

Happy Hour at State Prisons Raises Eyebrows

(Canon City) First it was karaoke, then bake sales to raise money for families of convicts, now it’s a daily happy hour. Since last month prison guards and prisoners have mixed for an hour each day sipping tea-strong cocktails and swilling 3.2 beer. The social hour, catering to all but the maximum security population, has been credited with a distinct drop in hostility toward big house authorities and a decrease in recurring prison violence that has plagued the institution from the onset.

People incarcerated learn to look forward to the simplest experiences to escape from the daily ritual of prison life according to warden Emile Turlo.

“Imagine sitting in a cell all day without free access or socialization,” he said. “Sure most of the inmates get a few hours in the yard and there are mealtimes in the mess hall but overall the system creates long hours alone which are not particularly helpful with rehabilitation.”

Some state Republicans are highly critics of the happy hour saying that prisoners do not deserve these kinds of freedoms.

“When they broke the law they gave up their rights,” said Rep. Owen Blackman, himself a white collar petty thief before he got religion and hooked up with the party. “These people are in jail to be punished not to be wined and dined.”

Blackman is concerned not only because alcohol is served but that the prison commissary has been offering meatless and low cholesterol meals on the weekends.

“What are we doing raising a crop of vegan crooks, a crew of health conscious criminals who might just live to a ripe old age. Why can’t they eat nutritional fast food like the rest of us?”

Warden Turlo told the media that many of the inmates are drug offenders who plea bargained their lives away due to anxious cops and bad legal advice.

“Often public defenders are buried in work and cannot relegate adequate hours to insure that cases are handled properly, that all alleged perpetrators get a fair trial,” explained Turlo. “We get these guys who have been whisked through the system and never indicted. Some of them get two to three years here, where they learn to hone their criminal skills. They come in with the criminal equivalent of a grade school diploma and leave with a PhD in burglary or extortion. What a system!”

One convict, a 22-year-old unemployed Black aluminum can magnate, was busted when police found a roach in his automobile ash tray in 2009. After a “speedy trial” leading to court-ordered confinement he wondered if a plea bargain was the way to go.

“My lawyer told me if I didn’t cooperate with the court I could get ten years, so I plead guilty to a lesser charge and here I am. They told me I’d be up for parole in 18 months but that milestone has passed and I am wasting away within these walls. I think they forgot me.”

In addition to the daily happy hour there are other benefits for prisoners exhibiting good behavior. Work release programs, college study groups, trade school opportunities and ultimately halfway houses designed to pave the way for reentry into society.

“We must decide if prison is primarily punitive or if it is an attempt at rehabilitation,” said Turlo, “and we must be careful not to run short of ice.”

The United States incarcerates more prisoners than any other “free” country in the world. Many prisoners have fallen through the cracks and are now mere statistics in a shameful shuffle where private institutions function as profitable enterprises. Treating convicts as humans might just be the beginning of a new approach to justice.

“Considering the poor performance by most penal institutions a daily happy hour might just be a bright spot in an otherwise dark existence,” snapped Turlo.

– Kashmir Horseshoe

 

Rapture Reservations Rescinded

(Little Rock) The long awaited Rapture, provoking a visitation of divine magnitude, happened last week according to self-styled holy men here. People who missed the festivities were not a part of this grand scheme were probably on the Phony Christian List, say Biblical Cherry Pickers of the Ozarks, a group that has franchised the event.

“If you were not informed of the coming He probably didn’t want to see you or talk to you at all,” said Rev Phil Pharisee, the son of a sharecropper who has amassed an astounding fortune by “catering to fears and selling sugar pill spiritual remedies” according to detractors. “We have yet to translate the Heavenly Code of the Day but we think the problem lies in the love-hate relationship that many born agains have with Israel,” he trembled.

“You are on the phony Christian list,” reiterated Pharisee. “The real soldiers of Christ are at this very moment chilling out in paradise.”

When asked why he was still down here Pharisee smiled, “Some of us must remain here to help the next batch get on the right bus, heh?”

Readers may remember Pharisee who claimed to have negated the theory of evolution in 2007 by pointing to his congregation.

“Look at these good people,” he had said. “There’s not one drop of evolution is any of them.”

*It appears that although these righteous folk don’t particularly like Jewish competition in the Chosen People arena, they are rooting for them in the coming war against Islam which will precipitate the Second Coming of Jesus Christ. It is then and only then that all true believers and only them will enter the kingdom of heaven. The rest will be relocated to less desirable spots.

 

FISH HOUSE DAYS

The following conversations took place while Melvin Toole 

was employed at Gossman’s Dock, Montauk, New York in 1972. 

The cast was as follows: Jackie: Jacqueline Onassis;

Mick: Mick Jagger; Billy: Billy Joel; Carly: Carly Simon; Melvin: Melvin Toole

 

The scene opens early in the morning on a sunny day in July with a large crowd gathered at the entrance to the fish house. Some are there to spot a celebrity.

Others are there simply to buy some fish.

Mick: How’s the flounder today?

Melvin: Quite good, Mick. We just hauled it in this morning. Probably the best catch we’ve had all week. I can let you have it for $8.99 a pound since we’re loaded with it.

Mick: Ducky. I’ll take three pounds. Got any steamers?

Melvin: Can’t you read the sign? No steamers.

Mick: Oh, yeah. Well give me some little necks then and a cup of Manhattan chowder.

Melvin: For here or to go?

Mick: Whatever…

Mick leaves with his fish meeting Carly on the way out the door.

Carly: Nice looking flounder, Mick.

Mick: Yeah and its on sale for $8.99 a pound

Carly: All right! (To Toole) I hear you’ve got some nice flounder.

Melvin: Who told you?

Carly: Why Mick Jagger. I ran into him on the way in.

Melvin: Oh. Yeah, and it’s as fresh as fresh can be. Caught it off Shagwong. We just got it on the ice an hour ago.

Carly: I’ll take four pounds and maybe some steamers.

Melvin: No steamers (he motions toward the sign which reads: “No Steamers Today”.)

Carly: Oh, sorry. How’s the bluefish?

Melvin: It’s delicious. I had a few for breakfast on the way in from Greenport at dawn. Sushi quality, guaranteed.

Carly: I prefer it cooked. I’ll take a pound and a half.

Melvin: That will be $21 with the tax.

Carly: Thanks. See ya.

Now it’s Billy’s turn

Billy: Nice looking lobster. What’s the tariff?

Melvin: They’re $3.50 a pound. The nicest ones are about 2 to 3 pounds.

Billy: OK. Gimme three. Got any snapper?

Melvin: Tomorrow. The boys are out chasing it as we speak. How about some flounder?

Billy: Sure, why not. It looks good. Do you have any steamers?

Melvin: No (forgetting the sign this time) but I’ve got some nice cherrystones and some soft-shelled crab in from the Chesapeake.

Billy: What’s the best way to cook them?

Melvin: Steam them until they open up a little…About seven to eight minutes. Want some mussels to go with that?

Billy: Sure, why not, I’m rich.

Melvin: That comes to $42.59.

Billy: Here’s a fifty. Keep the change.

Melvin: Thanks. Now I can pay my rent.

Toole is ready for a break. He walks out onto the dock to catch a little sun. While doing so he sees one of his better customers stuck behind a gang of one-horse tourists and motions for her to come around through the employee entrance.

Jackie: Gee, I’ve never used an employee entrance before.

Melvin: Good morning, Mrs, Onassis. Are you here to buy fish or look at celebrities?

Jackie: What’s the difference?

Melvin: You’re asking me? How might I help you?

Jackie: Aristotle is bring home a few business associates for dinner and I just don’t know what to cook.

Melvin: The last time I was on Crete everyone was chowing down on Red Mullet, Grouper and Squid.

Jackie: Got any Mackerel or Cod?

Melvin: (To himself: “Not very imaginative.”) Sure. We have both as well as some fresh-frozen striped bass.

Jackie: What does fresh-frozen mean?

Melvin: Too early to tell. Here’s the cod. It’s from out near Gardiner’s Island and is on sale today for $4.99 a pound. The Mackerel is only $3.99.

Jackie: Hmmmm. I guess I’ll take a pound of each and three lobsters.

Melvin: OK. Will there be anything else?

Jackie: You got any steamers?

– Kevin Haley

 

Town Excluded from Guide Books

Lonely Planet and three other popular backpacker guidebooks have failed to include Colona in their highlights of Colorado for the summer. The snub was not taken lightly by residents here who say that with the noted exception of lodging their town is just as good as Aspen or Vail.

It was not clear if the absence was intentional or simply an oversight but Colona fails to come up even in the index. The town has not been mentioned in any of the guides since about 1995.

“Then we must not exist, which is fine with me,” said one local entrepreneur. “They’ll either find us or they won’t.”

Many of the guide book shadow market do not even try to speak the local dialect and often can’t successfully cross the street without consulting their handy library of trekking bibles.

 

HELP! WE NEED HOUSING

Taxi Drivers Convention Taxes Services

Promoters of this year’s NewYork City Taxi Drivers Convention, slated for Colona in late September, say they still need volunteer housing for the over 100,000 expected delegates. Already some are set to bivouac at the school and a few will pull in trailers and tents but the situation is far from tranquil.

“We are about 95,000 accommodations short of our goal,” said one principle. “We’ve worked really hard to make the convention a success and to think that it all may fall through due to pillows is a difficult pill to swallow.”

Attempts to bed down the cabbies in the nearby Uncompahgre Natural Forest were thwarted by the USFS who insist that the large group will overwhelm existing services.

“What are these people to do? Bring in 50,000 port johns for the weekend?” said a local ranger. “The entire event has been poorly planned from the beginning. Next time they should consider holding the convention in a larger community like Ridgway or Norwood.”      – Uncle Pahgre

for related piece see Colona Roadhouse Seeks Identity

 

Colona Store Closing Day Care Wing

The Oberg Academy, a daycare center for unruly children will close its doors Friday. The beloved facility, which state officials say is too close to a liquor dispensary, has been a cornerstone of the community for decades. It is feared that the action will throw thousands out of work and destroy the region’s fragile economy. The abrupt termination of services hits particularly hard during the summer when marginal parents joyfully dropped off their charges and went back to bed.

“We will still maintain fishing excursions and the ski hill out back,” said head master and retired Marine, Harry Oberg. “I wonder if this will qualify us for federal subsidies under the cloak of alternate energy use, you know going and green and all,” he asked. “It’s already a lot more peaceful around here. We ought to get some kind of kickback for that alone. It was either the kids or the booze and I am confident we made the right choice,” he concluded.

 

Colona Airport Remodel Looks to the Future

(Log Hill Mesa) A new facelift will certainly hurl the Colona International Airport into the 21st Century in so far as accessibility and aerodynamics go, but detractors claim the modernization will give the facility an unfair edge.

Whether these critics are upset over the temporary cancellation of flights this summer or by the independent nature of Colonese businessmen is not clear. The airport is expected to reopen for business some time in September upon completion of the Space Odyssey Lieutenant Ohura Wing, designed to accommodate intergalactic traffic by Christmas.

Of the estimated 4.5 million spent already to upgrade runways and strengthen projections for space travel, 90% has come from private donations. This unlikely funding has put government and civic forces on their heels since they will have little to say about the basic orientation and daily function of the state-of-the-art airport.

The federal gov’ment, still stinging from the recent legalization of marijuana in Colorado, expressed concern that the facility will not pass stringent U.S. regulations and thus never reach full capacity as a standout in this solar system.

Developers of the airport had little comment saying only that they did not respond to bullies whether in the schoolyard or the courts. One of these suggested that if the gov’ment wanted a military base adjacent to Colona they had better “be nice”.

Besides the feds many local bureaucrats are miffed that they have been excluded from the planning and banned from the project site. The Montrose Developmentally De Facto Defalcation League has not only dropped the enterprise from its ostentatious summer brochure but has rejected Colona as a Partner in Progress for 2013.

“We remain in denial,” said the executive director of MDDFDL from her air-conditioned show barn on East Main. “It’s mean, just mean to ostracize us. We already have committees set up and  lots of meetings scheduled.”

Hang gliders and balloonists will not be affected by the temporary closures nor will red-eye security flights to Macondo, Tralfamadore or Freedonia.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                     – Tommy Middlefinger

 

COLONA SLIM SEZ: “I’m taking my Social Security check down to Montrose where I intend to drink it up.”