Rapture Reservations Rescinded

(Little Rock) The long awaited Rapture, provoking a visitation of divine magnitude, happened last week according to self-styled holy men here. People who missed the festivities were not a part of this grand scheme were probably on the Phony Christian List, say Biblical Cherry Pickers of the Ozarks, a group that has franchised the event.

“If you were not informed of the coming He probably didn’t want to see you or talk to you at all,” said Rev Phil Pharisee, the son of a sharecropper who has amassed an astounding fortune by “catering to fears and selling sugar pill spiritual remedies” according to detractors. “We have yet to translate the Heavenly Code of the Day but we think the problem lies in the love-hate relationship that many born agains have with Israel,” he trembled.

“You are on the phony Christian list,” reiterated Pharisee. “The real soldiers of Christ are at this very moment chilling out in paradise.”

When asked why he was still down here Pharisee smiled, “Some of us must remain here to help the next batch get on the right bus, heh?”

Readers may remember Pharisee who claimed to have negated the theory of evolution in 2007 by pointing to his congregation.

“Look at these good people,” he had said. “There’s not one drop of evolution is any of them.”

*It appears that although these righteous folk don’t particularly like Jewish competition in the Chosen People arena, they are rooting for them in the coming war against Islam which will precipitate the Second Coming of Jesus Christ. It is then and only then that all true believers and only them will enter the kingdom of heaven. The rest will be relocated to less desirable spots.

 

FISH HOUSE DAYS

The following conversations took place while Melvin Toole 

was employed at Gossman’s Dock, Montauk, New York in 1972. 

The cast was as follows: Jackie: Jacqueline Onassis;

Mick: Mick Jagger; Billy: Billy Joel; Carly: Carly Simon; Melvin: Melvin Toole

 

The scene opens early in the morning on a sunny day in July with a large crowd gathered at the entrance to the fish house. Some are there to spot a celebrity.

Others are there simply to buy some fish.

Mick: How’s the flounder today?

Melvin: Quite good, Mick. We just hauled it in this morning. Probably the best catch we’ve had all week. I can let you have it for $8.99 a pound since we’re loaded with it.

Mick: Ducky. I’ll take three pounds. Got any steamers?

Melvin: Can’t you read the sign? No steamers.

Mick: Oh, yeah. Well give me some little necks then and a cup of Manhattan chowder.

Melvin: For here or to go?

Mick: Whatever…

Mick leaves with his fish meeting Carly on the way out the door.

Carly: Nice looking flounder, Mick.

Mick: Yeah and its on sale for $8.99 a pound

Carly: All right! (To Toole) I hear you’ve got some nice flounder.

Melvin: Who told you?

Carly: Why Mick Jagger. I ran into him on the way in.

Melvin: Oh. Yeah, and it’s as fresh as fresh can be. Caught it off Shagwong. We just got it on the ice an hour ago.

Carly: I’ll take four pounds and maybe some steamers.

Melvin: No steamers (he motions toward the sign which reads: “No Steamers Today”.)

Carly: Oh, sorry. How’s the bluefish?

Melvin: It’s delicious. I had a few for breakfast on the way in from Greenport at dawn. Sushi quality, guaranteed.

Carly: I prefer it cooked. I’ll take a pound and a half.

Melvin: That will be $21 with the tax.

Carly: Thanks. See ya.

Now it’s Billy’s turn

Billy: Nice looking lobster. What’s the tariff?

Melvin: They’re $3.50 a pound. The nicest ones are about 2 to 3 pounds.

Billy: OK. Gimme three. Got any snapper?

Melvin: Tomorrow. The boys are out chasing it as we speak. How about some flounder?

Billy: Sure, why not. It looks good. Do you have any steamers?

Melvin: No (forgetting the sign this time) but I’ve got some nice cherrystones and some soft-shelled crab in from the Chesapeake.

Billy: What’s the best way to cook them?

Melvin: Steam them until they open up a little…About seven to eight minutes. Want some mussels to go with that?

Billy: Sure, why not, I’m rich.

Melvin: That comes to $42.59.

Billy: Here’s a fifty. Keep the change.

Melvin: Thanks. Now I can pay my rent.

Toole is ready for a break. He walks out onto the dock to catch a little sun. While doing so he sees one of his better customers stuck behind a gang of one-horse tourists and motions for her to come around through the employee entrance.

Jackie: Gee, I’ve never used an employee entrance before.

Melvin: Good morning, Mrs, Onassis. Are you here to buy fish or look at celebrities?

Jackie: What’s the difference?

Melvin: You’re asking me? How might I help you?

Jackie: Aristotle is bring home a few business associates for dinner and I just don’t know what to cook.

Melvin: The last time I was on Crete everyone was chowing down on Red Mullet, Grouper and Squid.

Jackie: Got any Mackerel or Cod?

Melvin: (To himself: “Not very imaginative.”) Sure. We have both as well as some fresh-frozen striped bass.

Jackie: What does fresh-frozen mean?

Melvin: Too early to tell. Here’s the cod. It’s from out near Gardiner’s Island and is on sale today for $4.99 a pound. The Mackerel is only $3.99.

Jackie: Hmmmm. I guess I’ll take a pound of each and three lobsters.

Melvin: OK. Will there be anything else?

Jackie: You got any steamers?

– Kevin Haley

 

Town Excluded from Guide Books

Lonely Planet and three other popular backpacker guidebooks have failed to include Colona in their highlights of Colorado for the summer. The snub was not taken lightly by residents here who say that with the noted exception of lodging their town is just as good as Aspen or Vail.

It was not clear if the absence was intentional or simply an oversight but Colona fails to come up even in the index. The town has not been mentioned in any of the guides since about 1995.

“Then we must not exist, which is fine with me,” said one local entrepreneur. “They’ll either find us or they won’t.”

Many of the guide book shadow market do not even try to speak the local dialect and often can’t successfully cross the street without consulting their handy library of trekking bibles.

 

HELP! WE NEED HOUSING

Taxi Drivers Convention Taxes Services

Promoters of this year’s NewYork City Taxi Drivers Convention, slated for Colona in late September, say they still need volunteer housing for the over 100,000 expected delegates. Already some are set to bivouac at the school and a few will pull in trailers and tents but the situation is far from tranquil.

“We are about 95,000 accommodations short of our goal,” said one principle. “We’ve worked really hard to make the convention a success and to think that it all may fall through due to pillows is a difficult pill to swallow.”

Attempts to bed down the cabbies in the nearby Uncompahgre Natural Forest were thwarted by the USFS who insist that the large group will overwhelm existing services.

“What are these people to do? Bring in 50,000 port johns for the weekend?” said a local ranger. “The entire event has been poorly planned from the beginning. Next time they should consider holding the convention in a larger community like Ridgway or Norwood.”      – Uncle Pahgre

for related piece see Colona Roadhouse Seeks Identity

 

Colona Store Closing Day Care Wing

The Oberg Academy, a daycare center for unruly children will close its doors Friday. The beloved facility, which state officials say is too close to a liquor dispensary, has been a cornerstone of the community for decades. It is feared that the action will throw thousands out of work and destroy the region’s fragile economy. The abrupt termination of services hits particularly hard during the summer when marginal parents joyfully dropped off their charges and went back to bed.

“We will still maintain fishing excursions and the ski hill out back,” said head master and retired Marine, Harry Oberg. “I wonder if this will qualify us for federal subsidies under the cloak of alternate energy use, you know going and green and all,” he asked. “It’s already a lot more peaceful around here. We ought to get some kind of kickback for that alone. It was either the kids or the booze and I am confident we made the right choice,” he concluded.

 

Colona Airport Remodel Looks to the Future

(Log Hill Mesa) A new facelift will certainly hurl the Colona International Airport into the 21st Century in so far as accessibility and aerodynamics go, but detractors claim the modernization will give the facility an unfair edge.

Whether these critics are upset over the temporary cancellation of flights this summer or by the independent nature of Colonese businessmen is not clear. The airport is expected to reopen for business some time in September upon completion of the Space Odyssey Lieutenant Ohura Wing, designed to accommodate intergalactic traffic by Christmas.

Of the estimated 4.5 million spent already to upgrade runways and strengthen projections for space travel, 90% has come from private donations. This unlikely funding has put government and civic forces on their heels since they will have little to say about the basic orientation and daily function of the state-of-the-art airport.

The federal gov’ment, still stinging from the recent legalization of marijuana in Colorado, expressed concern that the facility will not pass stringent U.S. regulations and thus never reach full capacity as a standout in this solar system.

Developers of the airport had little comment saying only that they did not respond to bullies whether in the schoolyard or the courts. One of these suggested that if the gov’ment wanted a military base adjacent to Colona they had better “be nice”.

Besides the feds many local bureaucrats are miffed that they have been excluded from the planning and banned from the project site. The Montrose Developmentally De Facto Defalcation League has not only dropped the enterprise from its ostentatious summer brochure but has rejected Colona as a Partner in Progress for 2013.

“We remain in denial,” said the executive director of MDDFDL from her air-conditioned show barn on East Main. “It’s mean, just mean to ostracize us. We already have committees set up and  lots of meetings scheduled.”

Hang gliders and balloonists will not be affected by the temporary closures nor will red-eye security flights to Macondo, Tralfamadore or Freedonia.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                     – Tommy Middlefinger

 

COLONA SLIM SEZ: “I’m taking my Social Security check down to Montrose where I intend to drink it up.”

 

SMOKEY, WOODSIE BLAMED FOR BLAZE

(Silver City) After spending tens of thousands of dollars searching for an appropriate scapegoat, the Department of the Interior today pointed a fat, flabby finger at Smokey Bear and Woodsie Owl, blaming the two for a massive forest fire that destroyed a healthy portion of the The Gila National Forest.

Moments before the accusations flew, both the bear and the owl disappeared. An anonymous tip puts Smokey at Lake City, Colorado as of last night, but the owl’s whereabouts remain a mystery.

“That little bastard, Woodsie the Owl, has had it in for the Forest Service since we approved logging in old growth forests in the Pacific Northwest,” said Kindle Tinderbox, Director of Controlled Burning for what’s left of the New Mexican forests. “If we catch him he’ll wish he’d never been hatched.”

Tinderbox is certain that a conspiracy exists among the forest’s winged creatures. That plot centers around efforts to bring down the present authority by making the federals look stupid and incompetent.

“Although he’s not a spotted owl he’s every bit as dangerous,” spouted Tinderbox. “We have footage of him hugging trees and everything. How the usually docile bear got sucked into this quagmire is not clear at the present time but we have agents out there looking into that.”

Critics of Forest Circus procedures say the animals are only convenient targets aimed at taking the heat off the top brass who would rather take an extended lunch than keep an eye on what’s happening in the woods under their noses. They add that the Forest Service doesn’t need any help to look stupid.

“For years Smokey has been coming to work with his heralded shovel, digging fire lines, stamping out blazes while most of these bureau desk jockeys line up around the coffee pot,” offered Orville R. Schmelte, of the Siesta Club. “Woodsie, who admits his lack of natural fire fighting prowess, has functioned as a courier in fires from Oregon to Arkansas since the mid-Sixties. How desperate can the Forest Service be to land the blame?”

A house to house search for the two is expected to commence tomorrow with Colorado, New Mexico and Utah pinpointed as likely hideouts. Forest Service officials insist that these maneuvers will in no way affect porta-potty maintenance or the erection of new signs on public lands. – Rocky Flats    

 

Dog Restaurant Opens in Butte

(Elk Ave) The first-ever restaurant catering solely to canines has opened its doors here. Offering new-kibble and quasi-continental cuisines, the eatery exudes a strong dogmatic ambience, even if the motif is a bit contrived. The spacious upstairs bone bar is adorned in antique fire hydrants accented with felt paintings of dogs playing poker.

“It’s actually more of a bistro,” said owner Dag Katz, who has spent the better part of his life feeding dogs.

Opening night came off without incident as most tail-wagging patrons were on their best behavior. The restaurant insists on harmony and tranquility and will not tolerate obsessive barking, petty squabbles or fur-raising fights.

“Actually it is a bistro,” said Katz.

Pet owners are banned from eating here plus, as anyone can clearly observe, the menu is not focused on humans. Entrees run from Scraps Florentine to Pavlov Stew to Scrambled Brains Doggie-Style, with a host of bacon and biscuit appetizers and sinful frankfurter desserts. Although the popular Chihuahua goulash sounds a bit morbid, it sells out every evening.

The restaurant hopes to offer hound sushi and an expanded whine list over the winter.

“It’s a bistro, damn it,” snapped Katz who plans to open a café for cats in October.

Katz is perhaps best known as the inventor of the pet alarm clock, which he says provided him with the necessary capital for this innovative project. He is currently working on a canine cookbook called 100 Recipes for the Dog Dish. – Slim Tinkleholland

DISPUTE WITH SWISS COULD COST OURAY

(Red Mountain Pass) The Swiss government today filed suit against the town of Ouray over a series of alleged copyright violations. The action focuses on the continued use of the slogan Switzerland of America and a web address domain that the Europeans insist have been previously registered.

Attorneys for the town of Ouray have been rather candid in response saying that Ouray should settle out of a quart before the Swiss start pulling out their versatile (and lethal) little  red knives. They suggest that the Colorado town offer Switzerland several smaller peaks, free tickets to Box Canyon and a player to be named later.

More on this if it develops.