All Entries in the "Soft News" Category

Guernica remembered, April 26, 1937

Sophomore Wins College Poetry Contest

The winner of the Western State University student poetry contest is Melvin Ticke of Heany, Colorado. Ticke, who has been a sophomore since 1967, was awarded 1000 bags of Ramen noodles, which he ate immediatley, and $400,000 in cash. His poem is as follows:

Grasshopper Dreams

I sit bewitched by the grasshopper

outside my bathroom window

hopping

plopping

sopping

watching

the busy ants prepare

for winter’s advance.

What does he know of

gasoline prices, final exams,

the economic realities of budget deficits?

Nada.

He don’t givadamn

He sits; immersed in chew, ready to fly

high in the air with the expectation that

someone else…not the ant…not the gov’ment

not the planetary mother

will see that he makes it till spring.

What does he know of

insincerity, of recapitulation

of romantic interludes in the snow?

Nada

He don’t givadamn

Watching this grasshopper

makes my eye lids heavy. I

think I’ll join him in his quest

for internal peace by resting the outside

first and then letting the rest of…zzzzzzzz.

CONTINUED ON PAGE 46

“Pollo o Pescado?” – the expanded menu at Cafe Tranqulidad, Rumba, Colombia

Yellow Flagged in an Andean Paradise

Due to the virus, the world lockdown and cancelled flights we have been quarantined near a 6500-foot mountain town in Antioquia, Colombia since mid-March. It’s 74 degrees, sunny, solitary and silent.

After searching for days through empty streets and among the masked residents I have finally accepted the sorry fact that grocery stores in the small village of Jardin, Colombia do not offer Twinkies or Ding Dongs. I can deal with the blatant, almost arrogant absence of kosher pickles, ahi tuna steaks, frozen pizza, champagne and caviar but now this?

Today we bought rice, beans, mangoes, eggs, zucchini, maple syrup, chicken, garlic, peppers, yucca, potatoes, shrimp, salmon, beer, rum, granola, cheese, ham, chorizo, cream, milk, ginger, peanut butter, pasta, peanuts, potato chips, tomatoes, papaya, mineral water, paper products, soda crackers, Oreos, yogurt, toothpaste, tilapia, canned peaches, coffee, butter, basil, salsa, thyme, oregano, capers, cooking wine, olives, spaghetti sauce, pancake mix, chocolate, cilantro and cucumbers.

It was all delivered (eggs on the handlebars) to our finca house one kilometer from town at no extra charge. Servicio domicilio ala motorcycle. Even the beer was still cold. Survival alamode can be high impact entertainment.

Tonight we will feast on ajiaco or sancocho or maybe fritanga. Recipes for these fine Paisa dishes are easily cornered in a variety of sources for the curious gourmet.

Sitting in my al aire libre office looking at banana and mandarin trees I get the idea that I am only an intruder into this magnificent landscape of overwhelming green and breezes. My neighbor, Fabio, harvests coffee beans to sell while I marvel at the diversity of birds, monitor the same old news, write harebrained stories and read novels. You can never be bored when there are books.

I have read Tolstoy backwards. Yeats in a hammock, Marquez by candlelight and Joyce on the horizontal lien and on the lam. Yes, I am technically an illegal alien due to the virus-driven closure of immigration machine in Medellin. My partner’s passport is expired and we no longer possess valid plane tickets back to the US. We could rent recreational vehicle and make a mad dash through the Darien but there are an assortment of armed groups running the show there, and RVs are all but nonexistent in South America.

The neighbor’s dogs are paying a visit this morning while the two very friendly resident cows stare us down from flimsy fence line, waiting for us to deliver lunch from the sweet grass just out of out reach. The horses whinny and twitch in dusk’s remaining shadows unconcerned with the human predicament.

But we have not touched a clutch in months. We walk to town up and down the muddy, forest hills to the yellow bridge across the river that cascades from the chiva circus and trucharias in Caldas to the south. It is just enough exercise to lubricate our brains and bones and earn an evening beer. In town the pretty plaza stands empty on the verge of tears, holding its corsage tightly, waiting to be the center of life once again.

We sometimes sit on our mosaic tile patio and look up at the pantomime village, a place that just weeks ago was brimming with life, now a stumblebum on a cliff. Oh but for the high-rev snarl and rumbling thunder of a badly tuned motorcycle bouncing off the Colonial walls or people yelling hello from balconies or bus horns blasting their departures, or the clinking of beer bottles or church bells banging away at ungodly hours. I never thought I’d miss these sounds of life unfolding, clatter and reverberations demanding to be heard.

The river croons, heaves and gushes after a quenching rain and Rocas* screech in the woods. We watch as the day shift of bees and flies are replaced by the night workforce of moths and beetles.

Some days I can almost hear the sound of trees growing.

*The Andean cock-of-the-rock (Rupicola peruvianus), also known as tunki (Quechua), is a large passerine bird of the cotinga family native to Andean cloud forests in South America.

Fantasy Democracy Leagues Forming This Summer

Fantasy Democracy is an interactive, virtual competition in which voters manage professional politicians engaged in government functions. Teams, drafted by participating voters, are manned and womaned by elected officials allowing the people to manage a pseudo (or shadow) government.

Voters form these squads of competitive politicians by electing, dismissing, discrediting, dropping, trading and funding candidates and incumbents from the two existing political parties in the United States. Third party candidates, veterans and rookies, are often invited to minicamps and other tryouts but usually find themselves on practice squads or competing in the Canadian leagues.

The rules are quite simple and direct, governed by the Constitution and the Bill of Rights. They set down strict limitations, performance enhancement methodology and the means to score points. This third element of the growing sport’s infrastructure is most important.

In most arrangements, total points count higher than win-loss records, which allows players to climb the ladder of success while their constituents remain at ground level looking up. Penalty flags inadvertently thrown will be retrieved when nobody’s watching.

Voters attempt to fill their individual rosters with high-powered players possessing the proven ability to score. Points are awarded based on endorsements, military contracts, pork barrel legislation passed, bills introduced, campaign funds accumulated and committees chaired.

High profile participants such as a Majority Whip or even the President can fall victim when indiscretions, bad judgment or outright crimes taint off-the-field behavior. Executive privilege only goes so far and offending players are subject to review and loss of accumulated points at any time. Fines and suspensions are often levied in these cases but punishments often result in no more than a slap on the wrist followed by reinstatement to the Court (see Millionaire’s Club). Illegal procedure is only a five-yard penalty and is often perceived as part of operational expense by club owners.

When Fantasy Democracy first emerged, the teams were limited to elected officials born in the United States. Today’s lineups are chocked full of Supreme Quart members, Pentagon officials, Cabinet members, IRS staffers, CIA operators and even lobbyists. Although most of this is blamed on Free Agency and the hybrid Electoral College-Popular Vote, the issues of entry fees and salary caps have driven a wedge between honorable service and the daily workings of the gov’ment.

Any candidate for political office must have operating capital. The higher and most prestigious the office, the higher to ante. Is every player seated in the Senate a millionaire? Is everyone running for dogcatcher affluent? Where is the integrity card and when is it played? Who are the referees and why are they standing silently in the end zone??

But enough moralizing about the quick kick, four-and-out government and its bureau running hacks     breezing through the wedge, evading the real issues with a smokescreen of En Bloc Amendments, dull draw plays, pathetic fourth down conversions and gluttonous campaign fundraising. Let’s talk about hands-on Fantasy Democracy.

Each team or political cell is comprised of 18 players including offensive and defensive squads, special teams and benches. Backups are allowed so as to accommodate injuries, fact-finding trips, recesses, interrupted limo services, complimentary health care programs, lucrative life pensions, and opportunities to sell one’s soul in the private sector after the term/show is over. Most teams and leagues follow the associated field positions below:

President-QB

Vice President -Blocking FB

Senators-Running Backs

Representatives-Tight Ends

Minority Whip – Placekicker

Ways and Means – Team defense

Homeland Security – Special teams

Supreme Quart Justices – Bench.

By design, trades are only made for players of equal position, wealth and experience. (An owner can’t trade the junior senator from South Dakota for the President.) All swaps must be then approved by Ethics Review Board and are subject to veto by the President at full throttle and braking on the curves of public opinion. The actual election is the draft, followed by the refried simulation of politics as usual on the yard markers and in the hot dog stands. Stimulus packages, chop blocks, off-sides violations, waiver rules, standing committees and hits on defenseless Congressional pages will again be tabled until the body convenes in the fall. Scoring often follows within a set of parameters stored under the banner of National Security.

OFFENSE

Major sponsored action passed by both Senate and House  -7 points

Minor originating bill becomes law – 5 points

Pro-war jingoism that leads to profitable weapons sales  – 5 points

Effective filibusters – 4 points

End-runs on the economy – 4 points

Ridiculous slogan embraced by the electorate during the campaign  – 3 points

Passing the buck  – 3 points

Burial of real issue legislation  – 3 points

Rushing yards greater than Absenteeism ratio  – 2points

Scoring in Red Zones of the economy, healthcare, immigration, world peace, quality of life   – 2 points

DEFENSE

Private sector turnovers  – 7 points

Parliamentary safety   – 7 points

Presidential sack (veto override) 6 points

Roughing the passer (Cluster voting)   – 6 points

Illegal hands to the face during campaigns   – 6 points

Bi-Partisan fumble recovery   5 points

Cloakroom interceptions   – 5 points

Open field tackling across the partisan aisle   – 4 points

Budget by-pass successfully defended   – 4 points

Bill squashed that would aid developing defenses without petroleum deposits   – 4 points

In some more sophisticated leagues net worth before and after political career qualifies the player to gain double points. A body slam on Nancy Pelosi or a violent separation of Mick McDonnell from the ball is generally awarded 10 points. Sleazy attacks by Party hacks and blatant facemask violations will be reviewed by House and Senate Statue of Liberty inquiries in accordance with Worldwide Governance Indicators (WGI). Concussions suffered on the field will not negate science or create bigger government in the huddle (Recede and Concur).

Constitutional Enthusiasts can follow the play-by-play on C-Span (Operated by ESPN) where the main venue is Wash D.C. No matter what your party affiliation the diversionary effects of Fantasy Democracy will create fodder for meaningless discussion and put more government in your bloomers.

Lobbyists (or coaches) are to remain on the sidelines (in their think tanks) at all time and in no way are to cross onto the playing field. In the event of a breach herein a quorum will be called after the rushing party chants One Mississippi during all Lame Duck pass plays.

Critics insist that Fantasy Democracy and games like it have destroyed the legislative process. We say partisan squabbles settled on the gridiron leave a more lasting pecking order among Judicial, Legislative and Executive levels of the McGovernment.

As the pendulum swings, voters (fans) can undoubtedly block more kicks and hold pigskin scoundrels accountable but it will take a team effort. It’s all there in your playbook. Just look at the Xs and Os.

– Kashmir Horseshoe

Dependence on foreign toilet paper nets dire proviso

(Washington) The White House this morning warned Americans of the inherent dangers lurking when trade imbalance and personal hygiene clash.

Sketching a dark future, President Trump told supporters that everything was terrific minus this one small caveat. He urged people to conserve stockpiled rolls and produce twice as much as last year. He praised the oil and linoleum industry and sang praises for those brave pioneers extracting the popular product by clear-cutting trees and drilling holes into the earth.

“And here’s to all of my compatriots sitting in public stalls, trapped in unfamiliar plumbing schematics, waiting in the rain for toilet paper,” he said, blasting the Chinese once again. “We are firmly in control here.”

A formal press release (on a roll of toilet paper) is expected by tomorrow. Critics are calling for a plunging on the domestic crisis and a complete flushing of initial response brokers and curious stock portfolios.

When asked by a reporter if he could reassure his constituency Trump responded by smiling, “Ask the Chinese”.  This reference to China was the latest promo for a coming installment of The Oriental Scapegoat, a new virtual TV drama where contestants shoot out the eyes of tin Chinese bogeymen who are spinning around in a circle while Trump looks on. The pilot program has received rave reviews in television audiences from Naples to Naperville.

You say Corona, I say Colona

Who would you most like to be quarantined with for three weeks? What a question. How about for three months? That might be a bit taxing. How much toilet paper would one need to encourage a pleasant ambience?

The Federal Government has released new procedural implementations:

Wash your car 3 times a day that way your hands are clean.

Pray with Mike Pence for guidance

No gum chewing in public

Wear clean underwear at all times (you know why).

In the event of nuclear germ fallout get under your desk and cover your head.

Stay at least 800 yards away from strangers

Self-quinine for three weeks or so

Sell unlatching sox before the market crashes

Terminate all international travel since the airlines aren’t operating anyway.

Avoid touching yourself.

Apply snake oil when anxiety peaks

Don’t call us – We’ll call you

Read Quarantined With Your Ego. How to deal with your self-conceptions in a world facing apocalypse.

Update: Several leading opinion polls indicate that less than .01% of all Americans who has raved on about creeping socialism will turn down a stimulus check when it arrives in their mailbox. This includes churches that have lost millions in tithing with closures and social distancing.

*After earlier hopes were dashed, it appears that virus does not affect pine beetles.

In closing you are all invited to the Corona Beer Rebranding Party scheduled for July 4 at the Manana Grange. Suds and Social Distancing is the tantalizing theme and risqué costumes are encouraged. CEOs of the beverage company will reach out into the country’s pocketbook with their team. Many will have recent bonus checks stapled their foreheads.

Tainted currency source of virus in US

Bulletin: Deep State of Emergency

Citizens are urged to avoid unnecessary contact with paper bills of all denominations. Higher denomination currencies seem to carry germs more contagious than ones and fives. Get ride of them all. Credit and debit cards are not completely safe either. Treasury notes and gold are the most lethal.

Bag it up and drop it at Department of Fiscal Fermentation, Mirrors and Security, 33 Whinnerah Ave, Colona, CO 81403. You should receive a receipt for the transaction in 300 days or so.

Who’s Afraid of The Ides of March?

Today is, or begins, the Ides of March depending on which interpretation one follows. While the only person in recorded history whose demise is connected to the date (s) Julius Caesar, there is no reason for any of us to take chances what with spring just around the corner.

The initial problem with The Ides is grammatical in that the term is singular and can be used only with a singular verb. The Ides is is correct while The Ides are is hillbilly talk.

When attempting to examine The Ides, most reference is to the assassinated Roman Emperor brought back to life by William Shakespeare in his tragic 1600 play, Julius Caesar.  Here he coined the term The Ides of March in order to amaze and frighten the English peasantry, who populated most of his weekend audience.

Along with all this ascribing to Caesar, we found little mention of much else: a Thornton Wilder novel and the website of Ides Inc., a plastic materials information managements company. Despite the fact that Czar Nicholas abdicated on March 15, 1917 Julius Caesar has corned the market on The Ides which have become synonymous with the offing of this particular dictator 2050 years ago.**

Robert Krulwich, of National Public Radio suggests that the hit men themselves celebrated the successful coup by singing Roman beer drinking songs such as 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall using Roman numerals. The thought of swooning Roman senators belting out mathematically challenging tunes at what he calls an “Apres Slaying Party” is certainly a possibility. However, did they do it before or after a trip to the vomitorium?

Precautions taken for The Ides should be simple and direct. Experts suggest that if one must leave the house he should not mingle with congregating bodies of politicians in strange haircuts. In addition, he should particularly avoid government buildings with marble steps and columns. Do not respond to invitations from anyone named Brutus, Cassias, Boomer, Portia or Bluto. Cease your power trips. They may provoke violence on the part of already, agitated colleagues.

And don’t go anywhere wearing only a flimsy toga. It may be starting to look warm outside but it’s still winter and you could freeze your arse.

Getting back to the scene at the Forum, it is apparent from his arrival from Gaul that Caesar is about to go under the knife.  It is likewise clear that Brutus orchestrated the murder with the help of Ligarius and Trebonius (who allegedly preferred piano wire to knives) while Cassias was only supposed to drive the getaway chariot.

The plan itself was childish. Had leaders like Cicero and Publius not been out campaigning or investigating the ethics of their colleagues in the senate they might have long in advance ferreted out the planned attack and called the Praetorian Guard. They might have blamed the whole attempt on Gaelic terrorists and bumped up the military ante. God only knows the Gauls had a motive to waste Caesar after all that reconnoitering up north.

But alas, poor Caesar.

*Hereafter we will refer to the Ides of March as The Ides because we want to. The Ides are the 15th day of March, May, July and October and the 13h day of the other months. The Ides of March is the first day of spring.

**Of note: there is the instrumental, The Ides of March, by Iron Maiden from the album Killer acknowledging the event.