All Entries in the "Soft News" Category

Checkpoints for Migrating Neanderthals Slated

(Montrose) Local police and Highway Patrol will begin conducting surveillance on yet another alien species this fall. Undisclosed, secret barriers, aimed at catching humans with high Neanderthal DNA, will grace major intersections, state crossings and even some international borders. Many humans retain higher levels of this recessive DNA and have been deemed a threat to the Republic. The legal limit is 0.12%.

Police hope that they can round up all these crossbreeds before they cause problems.

“We think many are terrorists or potentially disruptive forces since they claim allegiance to no particular country,” said one monitoring officer. “No, they aren’t from other planets or even Cro-Magnon in appearance, but they are different from us and that sends up a red flag in my department.”

When humans first migrated out of Africa to Eurasia 60,000 years ago they met their cousins the Neanderthals as well as Denisovans and interbred. The descendants of these often one night stand liaisons make up a majority of the human race. Now that Neanderthal man is thought to be completely extinct, scientists have attempted to isolate the carry-over gene and determine how much Neanderthal and Cro-Magnon has survived the centuries.

Already some 400 citizens have been detained due to high incidence of traits and characteristics common to our predecessors. Charges, if any, are pending.

Researchers have determined that there may be as many as 8 distinct hominid species currently roaming the earth. These groups exhibit varied intelligence quotients and abilities to function within the system. Since all of these creatures resemble each other, it is difficult to pinpoint what are often major distinctions.

“These discoveries go a long way toward explaining versatility and pecking orders,” said one scientist, “but fall short of offering solutions in the case of our more disadvantaged brothers and sisters.”

Persons detained and indicted could lose migratory privileges, pay large fines and face mandatory attendance at prescribed anthropology classes. Most are looking at a few days in jail to boot.

Dr. Pill in what he jokingly calls his Before and After portrait which hangs in his Colona office. Recent Neanderthal digs in the region have cast positive light on a man who gained international prominence by substantiating evidence that most dinosaurs were ass holes back in 1993.

A local archeologist, known only as Doctor Pill, says his research indicates that this entire approach is highly illogical since it is very likely that the wrong species may have survived.

“Neanderthals had bigger brains and were far more formidable than Homo Sapiens yet disappeared some 40,000 years ago, said Dr Pill, who recently unearthed a massive Neanderthal graveyard under the Super Wal-Mart on South Townsend Avenue.

“Maybe, had they outmaneuvered the other tribal entities, these Neanderthals would have done a better job taking care of their native planet and policing the place. After all they were never exposed to Puritanism and the constant waves of guilt that followed,” said the scientist.

WHAT IF THE MILK TRUCK HAD WON?

While rummaging through negative archives the other afternoon we came upon the following article in the Munchener Post  January 26, 1920:

Decorated World War I Veteran Miraculously Survives Head-On with Milk Truck

(Munich, Germany) An Austrian man, Adolph Hitler, 31, miraculously survived a head-on collision with a speeding ice cream truck on Bundesautebahn-Arbeitsschlacht  Street in downtown Munich this afternoon.

Herr Hitler, who was on foot at the time of the accident, was taken to a local hospital and released within the hour with a mild headache.

The driver of the milk truck was uninjured and cited for reckless driving and attempted genocide.

Bystanders agreed that it was astonishing for a human to survive such a blow. “He should have been killed,” said one woman.

“Astonishing!” said another, according to the Wienermarct Journal, reporting the incident from Vienna.

Newswriting Contest #611

You think it’s easy writing this crap?

We’ve already written several stunning headlines.

Now all you have to do is write the accompanying stories.

Choose at least four headlines and write a short news story for each:

Missing woman found in backyard, escapes to front porch. Police baffled (subhead).

Dogs take matters into own paws. Angry over leash laws and kowtowing.

Local man discovered at other end of the broom

Many in Arizona frightened of cactus

Colorado Springs forges ahead with laundromat-library concept

Nuggets may return to short shorts before long

Colona Open puts pressure on closed services

Venison chewing gum approved by FDA

Silverton man nabbed in Eureka spy triangle

Your news accounts must avoid capitalizing on cheap jingles, misdirected sayings,

puffed up warnings, wives’ tales, and bothersome superstitions.

First Prize:

Win free tuition Famous Newspaper Writing School: ($250,000 value)

with unbelievable giveaway of Superior Lesson (for example):

Composing your own funny obituary

& How to safely interview breakfast meat

Pandemic sanity in a bottle

We may still be stranded in the Colombian Andes but we’ve made some wonderful friends along the way. The finest rum on the planet keeps everyone pretty mellow. The demanding daily consumption quota for residents of Jardin has been established by official government decree. Rumor has it that number will go up with the discovery of 200 more cases of 8-year-old Ron Caldas hidden under the historic cathedral for a special occasion. (Photo by David Mullings)

Summer Reeding Program Loses Grant

(Ouray) The much heralded Summer Reeding Program, popular here since the early 70s, has apparently lost funding for 2021 according to The Bureau of Promotional Education and Diversion. The 1/2 day sessions have been aimed at creating an interest in recreational reading among children in the town.

“They just missed the boat,” said one official from BPED, “and besides 50% of our budget has been sucked up by the Pentagon.”

“By the time this is over the young man will be sorry not only that he entered politics but that he ever learned to fly.” –  Franklin D. Roosevelt when told that Charles A Lindbergh could be the possible Republican opponent for president in 1940.

Hoopskirts- The Social Distancing Solution?

Despite the efforts of some of our neighbors to distance themselves from infection by tire tubes, brick walls, forced bondage and bodies of water, we (you know, the people inside your computer) are less than convinced in the value of these lame yet noble endeavors. We have charted another course, introducing more thorough means of examination on fiscally irresponsible advertisers as well as unsuspecting entry-level employees.

Up until now we have investigated such measures as massive injections of fresh garlic, horizontal body armor, inflated clown shoes, mean dogs, ejection seating, spoiled body odor, high pressure water hoses, parachutes, bundling boards, rubber suits, gentle organic sprays, mannequin aggressive perfumes, virtual yoga, armed security, hermetically sealed take-out treats and hoop skirts.

At present the most promising method assessed for comfortable social distancing has been the hoop skirt. While these framed panniers are not in everyone’s closet the concentric hoops or caged crinoline have been found to keep human beings at least six feet apart at social engagements and even around the house. The other problem is that the whalebone or cane wires are not likely to be embraced by the males of the species. No hoop kilts are on back order and further analysis produced a plethora of excuses and insults from the supply chain. More on this when it becomes available.

-Sir Otis of Liver