All Entries in the "Soft News" Category
Former newspaper joins gov’ment in printing funny money
(Colona) They’ve fired up the web press over at the abandoned depot here churning out the fourth lot of US currency backed by nothing more than hopes and good wishes.
Adorned and enhanced by the alphabetical portraits of obscure US Presidents the bills look the same as official tender but without religious references or pyramids. John Adams, cousin Quincy, Chester A. Arthur and James Buchanan highlight the first four runs and they’re reportedly gearing up for the two Bushes, Jimmy Carter and Grover Cleveland tonight.
“We’ll see this through Washington and Wilson if need be,” promised an unidentified pressman. “Already we have numismatics banging on the door looking for tokens. Some say they are waiting for the Millard Fillmore or Martin Van Buren bill to be released. They say dollars embellished with the faces of these ambiguous souls will be worth more than their denominations in no time at all.”
This rogue production has been funded and piloted by the San Juan Horseshoe since May without federal sanction or endorsement of any kind. The currency, limited to 20s and 50s has been circulated in needy sectors where front-line workers live. Calling the money counterfeit local treasury officials pledged to “come down hard” on the printing operation.
The Horseshoe was published for 43 years as a newspaper and has now morphed into a slick website: sanjuanhorseshoe.com. The editors say they have grown tired of pledges from the Treasury Department that the irresponsible printing of currency would terminate just as soon as the economy returns to normal.
“How long has the US dollar been off the gold standard or even the silver standard?” asked one master printer. “All we’re trying to do is funnel the money into the right hands. We all saw where many of the PPP and SBA loans ended up.
“The problem is that they have the entire plant camouflaged to look like an old school house,” said one mint enthusiast. “We have narrowed it down to one of five existing structures. Now all we have to do is look for ink marks and listen to the soothing sounds of a sheet-fed press in action.”
The Great Communicator draws a mustache on a Rutherford B Hayes portrait while his loving wife, Nancy looks on approvingly
The illegal printing of unsecured currency takes place after dark and the new money is moved from place to place in small batches in private vehicles. Most remains in the state but the crisp new bills have been spotted as far away as Moline.
“They’re just doing the same thing as the feds,” said Lacey Gutenberg, an attorney for the precise engravers who plan to release coinage into the uncertain atmosphere as a protest against flimsy legal tender. “The feds print play money and so do my clients.”
Currently clandestine collaborators are searching for a complimentary Ronald Reagan portrait to use on an organic, commemorative $100 that is wholly edible and easily converted into a life preserver in the event of a crash.
-Tommy Middelfinger
Lipstick on the virus pig
(Denver) The decision to reclassify medical masks as lingerie has spurred a startling increase in use as well as created lots of interest in applied fashion in the age of limbo. Colorado Governor Jared Polis made the announcement Thursday raising eyebrows but not ruffling feathers in this purple state.
According to leading retailers even the gender-distinct mask styles have already blurred the images or male and female mugs. Coupled with a built-in disguise mechanism, over the nose and face, the masks severely push the limit with regards to identity theft and often threaten traditional security methods.
The sometimes-scanty masks often made of lavish fabrics and featuring curves in all the right places, have been selling like hotcakes since they hit the market in July. Classification like this one not only pushes the masks into the spotlight but demands ingenuity along the way creating satellite industries and more jobs for developing sweat shops.
“These facial coverings are no different than scarves or sweat socks,” said Abby Daybedd, a former morality chairman in the Nixon Administration. “But the fact that they are considered lingerie goes a long way toward explaining the trendy chaos that follows homo sapiens and what constitutes legitimate style.”
Experts say the sudden popularity of the facemasks is due in part with the human desire to be attractive, even erotic in dress, attitude and mannerisms.
“If the government can convince its constituency that facemasks are attractive even sensual we re all in worse trouble than we thought,” said Daybedd.
Despite primary utilitarian concerns as to the nature of the facade, ground-floor manufacturers are already producing edible masks, bikini masks, lip pump coverings, falsie masks, demi-masks, bully masks and a overwhelming assortment of BDSM masks. One innovative factory has promised to concoct a crotchless mask before Valentine’s Day.
“In keeping with good taste, attire junkies are asked to avoid sequin masks and to reject the growing punk practice of wearing white or pastel after Labor Day.
– Evelyn Marmotbreath
Parties donate presidential ad budgets to Head Start, Dreamers
(Milwaukee) Monies earmarked for advertising in the 2020 Presidential campaign by both Democrats and Republicans will be rerouted to struggling social programs rather than pissed away on entrenched, party-line American voters who have already decided on their ballot choices.
The largest sums cut were those previously going to television ads aimed at the most ignorant fringes of the nation. Other monies generally directed at newspapers, radio and Internet are to be instead donated to displaced people all over the world.
“Every election year we piss away millions trying to get the wrong people in office,” said Ted Ende, a consultant for candidates as distinct as Walter Mondale and Sarah Palin. “Look around you. Our highways are rotting. Our bridges are falling down. Our sense of community is dying. The first responsibility of an elected official is to protect his people — not to get reelected.”
As most of our well-oiled readers probably know by now both former political parties in the United States have agreed on strict term limits on elected officials and the banishment of lobbyists from the nation’s capital. In addition:
1. Draconian clean air and water measures will be implemented. Auto emissions will be strictly imposed.
2. All salaries and benefits once paid to already wealthy Congressmen will be redirected to fund the poorest schools in the country.
3. Corporate welfare will be terminated immediately. This includes the Pentagon.
4. Demeaning assaults on the natural human lifestyle will be considered felonious and provocative actions, punishable by fines and imprisonment.
5. Congressional pensions and lifetime free health care that has become another form of welfare will be eliminated as of January 1, 2021.
Checkpoints for Migrating Neanderthals Slated
(Montrose) Local police and Highway Patrol will begin conducting surveillance on yet another alien species this fall. Undisclosed, secret barriers, aimed at catching humans with high Neanderthal DNA, will grace major intersections, state crossings and even some international borders. Many humans retain higher levels of this recessive DNA and have been deemed a threat to the Republic. The legal limit is 0.12%.
Police hope that they can round up all these crossbreeds before they cause problems.
“We think many are terrorists or potentially disruptive forces since they claim allegiance to no particular country,” said one monitoring officer. “No, they aren’t from other planets or even Cro-Magnon in appearance, but they are different from us and that sends up a red flag in my department.”
When humans first migrated out of Africa to Eurasia 60,000 years ago they met their cousins the Neanderthals as well as Denisovans and interbred. The descendants of these often one night stand liaisons make up a majority of the human race. Now that Neanderthal man is thought to be completely extinct, scientists have attempted to isolate the carry-over gene and determine how much Neanderthal and Cro-Magnon has survived the centuries.
Already some 400 citizens have been detained due to high incidence of traits and characteristics common to our predecessors. Charges, if any, are pending.
Researchers have determined that there may be as many as 8 distinct hominid species currently roaming the earth. These groups exhibit varied intelligence quotients and abilities to function within the system. Since all of these creatures resemble each other, it is difficult to pinpoint what are often major distinctions.
“These discoveries go a long way toward explaining versatility and pecking orders,” said one scientist, “but fall short of offering solutions in the case of our more disadvantaged brothers and sisters.”
Persons detained and indicted could lose migratory privileges, pay large fines and face mandatory attendance at prescribed anthropology classes. Most are looking at a few days in jail to boot.
Dr. Pill in what he jokingly calls his Before and After portrait which hangs in his Colona office. Recent Neanderthal digs in the region have cast positive light on a man who gained international prominence by substantiating evidence that most dinosaurs were ass holes back in 1993.
A local archeologist, known only as Doctor Pill, says his research indicates that this entire approach is highly illogical since it is very likely that the wrong species may have survived.
“Neanderthals had bigger brains and were far more formidable than Homo Sapiens yet disappeared some 40,000 years ago, said Dr Pill, who recently unearthed a massive Neanderthal graveyard under the Super Wal-Mart on South Townsend Avenue.
“Maybe, had they outmaneuvered the other tribal entities, these Neanderthals would have done a better job taking care of their native planet and policing the place. After all they were never exposed to Puritanism and the constant waves of guilt that followed,” said the scientist.
WHAT IF THE MILK TRUCK HAD WON?
While rummaging through negative archives the other afternoon we came upon the following article in the Munchener Post January 26, 1920:
Decorated World War I Veteran Miraculously Survives Head-On with Milk Truck
(Munich, Germany) An Austrian man, Adolph Hitler, 31, miraculously survived a head-on collision with a speeding ice cream truck on Bundesautebahn-Arbeitsschlacht Street in downtown Munich this afternoon.
Herr Hitler, who was on foot at the time of the accident, was taken to a local hospital and released within the hour with a mild headache.
The driver of the milk truck was uninjured and cited for reckless driving and attempted genocide.
Bystanders agreed that it was astonishing for a human to survive such a blow. “He should have been killed,” said one woman.
“Astonishing!” said another, according to the Wienermarct Journal, reporting the incident from Vienna.
Newswriting Contest #611
You think it’s easy writing this crap?
We’ve already written several stunning headlines.
Now all you have to do is write the accompanying stories.
Choose at least four headlines and write a short news story for each:
Missing woman found in backyard, escapes to front porch. Police baffled (subhead).
Dogs take matters into own paws. Angry over leash laws and kowtowing.
Local man discovered at other end of the broom
Many in Arizona frightened of cactus
Colorado Springs forges ahead with laundromat-library concept
Nuggets may return to short shorts before long
Colona Open puts pressure on closed services
Venison chewing gum approved by FDA
Silverton man nabbed in Eureka spy triangle
Your news accounts must avoid capitalizing on cheap jingles, misdirected sayings,
puffed up warnings, wives’ tales, and bothersome superstitions.
First Prize:
Win free tuition Famous Newspaper Writing School: ($250,000 value)
with unbelievable giveaway of Superior Lesson (for example):
Composing your own funny obituary
& How to safely interview breakfast meat
