All Entries in the "Soft News" Category

Uncompahgre a Ute Hippie Word?

The Uncompahgre Valley in summer. Long-held views claim that the often difficult word Uncompahgre means bitter water, although recent idiomatic research suggests otherwise. Thousands of Ute Hippies once roamed these mountains back before the white folks and the mad work ethic showed up in the 1870s. Living in teepees, hunting with horses and dancing around campfires, the Ute Nation had a language distinct from most Rocky Mountain tribes favoring a dialect spoken by the Aztec Hippies. Young Ute warriors were much influenced by Apache punk bands and considered the Navajo to be “weak-kneed posers” according to the scant evidence that exists. Uncompahgre also relates to the feeling of well-being derive from thermal soaks and horse racing.

GOP Bad Tippers

Despite billions raised for Trump re-election campaign Republicans bad tippers say servers in DC.

Ten percent is almost unheard of, unless the benevolent patrons are drunk or they are trying to impress. They usually pick up the tab in the spotlight then leave little or nothing for the service. The actions are often embarrassing even to their often-flawed children, who too are instructed in the fine art of knife and fork elitism and condescending treatment of wait personnel.

“Where on this menu does it instruct or even remotely suggest I leave money under my saucer?” asked one representative from way out of town. “Leaving money on the table is so crude, so gauche.

“Then on top of it all these self-absorbed twits want separate checks. It’s an endemic infection within the elected species,” chimed in a waitperson from Foggy Bottom. “These are the kind that would pick up a dime off the men’s room floor and immediately bite it to see if it’s made from real silver.”

Social scientists conclude that the tightfisted behavior originated in the governing chambers where Republican congressmen vote to give that legislative body systematic raises, but stop short of supporting an increase in the minimum wage, fair housing postulates and programs for the poor.

“It’s not about the money. It’s about control,” said one Baltimore sociologist. “We see a combination of hoarding and stinginess with a big scoop of privilege (white or other primary colors).  It’s as if they think they are getting one over on the waitperson by not leaving even minimal gratuity.”

Others suffer from Andrew Carnegie Syndrome where they feel compelled to throw a few patriarchal scraps to their underlings just as long as they fully understand the pecking order, avert their gaze, bow their heads and keep to their place.

“Imagine spending less than one percent of your earnings and having them build statues in your honor,” laughed a bartender from Petworth. “That’s a pretty good return on the legacy dollar.”

And of course there are the politicians from simpleton backwaters who just don’t comprehend  the concept of tipping. Here are some curious, though common responses of Republicans when asked what they think of sharing a tip or any perquisites related to dining out:

1. “They get too much already.”

2. “Paying for the food is enough. The service is an expected duty not an add on after the final burp.”

3. “Every sitting member of Congress gets by without tips. Why can’t they?”

4. “Jesus never tipped, even at the Last Supper. It says so in the Bible.”

5. “I’ve seen the restaurant types, these foodie hipsters, these six-top vagabonds in action. They’ll just use the money for drugs.”

Many eateries in the nation’s capital have refused service to GOP patrons and promise to continue to boycott them until they develop a little heart. Landmark restaurants say are still uncertain of what action to take if any, since most don’t expect the Republican Party to survive much past November anyway.

– Kashmir Horseshoe

County Could See Solar Cows by 2025

(Ridgway) If genetic research stays on track local solar-operated cattle could grace local pastures by spring. Already progress has been swift in the area of bovine support systems and fuel additives aimed at changing the way the animals get their nourishment.

For centuries domestic cows have been fed on grasses and other roughage with predictable results on the methane gas end. There is also the rising cost of suitable fuel and the constant clean-up effort. With the application of solar principles the tedious chores of feeding and irrigation will end, the entire operation run by one person from his laptop.

“Some old-timers are resistant to these genetically altered improvements,” said Dr Alice Phallfa, of Sunnyside Slope Extension Service. “But they had better get out the way. Science marches on, even in the hay fields and barnyards of jerkwater America.”

Phallfa says the concept is solid and that cows can run on power generated by the sun for up to 15 hours per day. In addition they do not wander far from pasture batteries and elaborate systems of fence are no longer necessary.

“The quality of dairy products and beef does not suffer in the solar test breeds either,” she continued. “In fact many people prefer solar produced milk and cheeses. We hope to expand this breakthrough to include goats and sheep too.”

Phallfa refused to comment when asked about the controversial Morning After Mad Cow Pill which is already in circulation in places like Asia, Africa, Europe, South America, Mexico and Canada.

“We’d like to thank the San Juan Horseshoe for the extensive coverage of a subject that other periodicals are afraid to undress,” she skirted. “Without courageous journalists like this we’d be back in the stoned age.”

In a related update it appears that the Ridgway Farmer’s Market has beat the white slavery rap that has hounded that agricultural contingent for the past months.

“We do not and have never sold farmers at any of our produce affairs,” said a spokesperson. “We do not condone human bondage, unless of course it is within the privacy of the home and with adult consent, and have never suggested it as a viable alternative to free range eggs or organic lettuce.”

Off the record the spokesman admitted that white slavery might be lucrative, especially during the winter months but that the population no longer seems interested in buying farmers anymore what with the new City Market and all the wonderful fast food outlets only a short drive away in Montrose.

It was not clear if any of this indicates a general economic slowdown across the nation or if humans would survive another decade eating out of cans.

– Melvin O’Toole

Melvin O’Toole has published over 10,000 articles on hermetically altered foods. He won a Pulitzer Prize in 1995 for word length in his literary contribution Them Beets Are After Me, Testosterone Brothers, Boston.

Former newspaper joins gov’ment in printing funny money

(Colona) They’ve fired up the web press over at the abandoned depot here churning out the fourth lot of US currency backed by nothing more than hopes and good wishes.

Adorned and enhanced by the alphabetical portraits of obscure US Presidents the bills look the same as official tender but without religious references or pyramids. John Adams, cousin Quincy, Chester A. Arthur and James Buchanan highlight the first four runs and they’re reportedly gearing up for the two Bushes, Jimmy Carter and Grover Cleveland tonight.

“We’ll see this through Washington and Wilson if need be,” promised an unidentified pressman. “Already we have numismatics banging on the door looking for tokens. Some say they are waiting for the Millard Fillmore or Martin Van Buren bill to be released. They say dollars embellished with the faces of these ambiguous souls will be worth more than their denominations in no time at all.”

This rogue production has been funded and piloted by the San Juan Horseshoe since May without federal sanction or endorsement of any kind. The currency, limited to 20s and 50s has been circulated in needy sectors where front-line workers live. Calling the money counterfeit local treasury officials pledged to “come down hard” on the printing operation.

The Horseshoe was published for 43 years as a newspaper and has now morphed into a slick website: sanjuanhorseshoe.com. The editors say they have grown tired of pledges from the Treasury Department that the irresponsible printing of currency would terminate just as soon as the economy returns to normal.

“How long has the US dollar been off the gold standard or even the silver standard?” asked one master printer. “All we’re trying to do is funnel the money into the right hands. We all saw where many of the PPP and SBA loans ended up.

“The problem is that they have the entire plant camouflaged to look like an old school house,” said one mint enthusiast. “We have narrowed it down to one of five existing structures. Now all we have to do is look for ink marks and listen to the soothing sounds of a sheet-fed press in action.”

The Great Communicator draws a mustache on a Rutherford B Hayes portrait while his loving wife, Nancy looks on approvingly

The illegal printing of unsecured currency takes place after dark and the new money is moved from place to place in small batches in private vehicles. Most remains in the state but the crisp new bills have been spotted as far away as Moline.

“They’re just doing the same thing as the feds,” said Lacey Gutenberg, an attorney for the precise engravers who plan to release coinage into the uncertain atmosphere as a protest against flimsy legal tender. “The feds print play money and so do my clients.”

Currently clandestine collaborators are searching for a complimentary Ronald Reagan portrait to use on an organic, commemorative $100 that is wholly edible and easily converted into a life preserver in the event of a crash.

-Tommy Middelfinger

Lipstick on the virus pig

(Denver) The decision to reclassify medical masks as lingerie has spurred a startling increase in use as well as created lots of interest in applied fashion in the age of limbo. Colorado Governor Jared Polis made the announcement Thursday raising eyebrows but not ruffling feathers in this purple state.

According to leading retailers even the gender-distinct mask styles have already blurred the images or male and female mugs. Coupled with a built-in disguise mechanism, over the nose and face, the masks severely push the limit with regards to identity theft and often threaten traditional security methods.

The sometimes-scanty masks often made of lavish fabrics and featuring curves in all the right places, have been selling like hotcakes since they hit the market in July. Classification like this one not only pushes the masks into the spotlight but demands ingenuity along the way creating satellite industries and more jobs for developing sweat shops.

“These facial coverings are no different than scarves or sweat socks,” said Abby Daybedd, a former morality chairman in the Nixon Administration. “But the fact that they are considered lingerie goes a long way toward explaining the trendy chaos that follows homo sapiens and what constitutes legitimate style.”

Experts say the sudden popularity of the facemasks is due in part with the human desire to be attractive, even erotic in dress, attitude and mannerisms.

“If the government can convince its constituency that facemasks are attractive even sensual we re all in worse trouble than we thought,” said Daybedd.

Despite primary utilitarian concerns as to the nature of the facade, ground-floor manufacturers are already producing edible masks, bikini masks, lip pump coverings, falsie masks, demi-masks, bully masks and a overwhelming assortment of BDSM masks. One innovative factory has promised to concoct a crotchless mask before Valentine’s Day.

“In keeping with good taste, attire junkies are asked to avoid sequin masks and to reject the growing punk practice of wearing white or pastel after Labor Day.

– Evelyn Marmotbreath

Parties donate presidential ad budgets to Head Start, Dreamers

(Milwaukee) Monies earmarked for advertising in the 2020 Presidential campaign by both Democrats and Republicans will be rerouted to struggling social programs rather than pissed away on entrenched, party-line American voters who have already decided on their ballot choices.

The largest sums cut were those previously going to television ads aimed at the most ignorant fringes of the nation.  Other monies generally directed at newspapers, radio and Internet are to be instead donated to displaced people all over the world.

“Every election year we piss away millions trying to get the wrong people in office,” said Ted Ende, a consultant for candidates as distinct as Walter Mondale and Sarah Palin. “Look around you. Our highways are rotting. Our bridges are falling down. Our sense of community is dying. The first responsibility of an elected official is to protect his people — not to get reelected.”

As most of our well-oiled readers probably know by now both former political parties in the United States have agreed on strict term limits on elected officials and the banishment of lobbyists from the nation’s capital. In addition:

1. Draconian clean air and water measures will be implemented. Auto emissions will be strictly imposed.

2. All salaries and benefits once paid to already wealthy Congressmen will be redirected to fund the poorest schools in the country.

3. Corporate welfare will be terminated immediately. This includes the Pentagon.

4. Demeaning assaults on the natural human lifestyle will be considered felonious and provocative actions, punishable by fines and imprisonment.

5. Congressional pensions and lifetime free health care that has become another form of welfare will be eliminated as of January 1, 2021.