All Entries in the "Soft News" Category

Summer Reeding Program Loses Grant

(Ouray) The much heralded Summer Reeding Program, popular here since the early 70s, has apparently lost funding for 2021 according to The Bureau of Promotional Education and Diversion. The 1/2 day sessions have been aimed at creating an interest in recreational reading among children in the town.

“They just missed the boat,” said one official from BPED, “and besides 50% of our budget has been sucked up by the Pentagon.”

“By the time this is over the young man will be sorry not only that he entered politics but that he ever learned to fly.” –  Franklin D. Roosevelt when told that Charles A Lindbergh could be the possible Republican opponent for president in 1940.

Hoopskirts- The Social Distancing Solution?

Despite the efforts of some of our neighbors to distance themselves from infection by tire tubes, brick walls, forced bondage and bodies of water, we (you know, the people inside your computer) are less than convinced in the value of these lame yet noble endeavors. We have charted another course, introducing more thorough means of examination on fiscally irresponsible advertisers as well as unsuspecting entry-level employees.

Up until now we have investigated such measures as massive injections of fresh garlic, horizontal body armor, inflated clown shoes, mean dogs, ejection seating, spoiled body odor, high pressure water hoses, parachutes, bundling boards, rubber suits, gentle organic sprays, mannequin aggressive perfumes, virtual yoga, armed security, hermetically sealed take-out treats and hoop skirts.

At present the most promising method assessed for comfortable social distancing has been the hoop skirt. While these framed panniers are not in everyone’s closet the concentric hoops or caged crinoline have been found to keep human beings at least six feet apart at social engagements and even around the house. The other problem is that the whalebone or cane wires are not likely to be embraced by the males of the species. No hoop kilts are on back order and further analysis produced a plethora of excuses and insults from the supply chain. More on this when it becomes available.

-Sir Otis of Liver

Clerk and Recorder Admits Forgetfulness

(Manana) Gerber Faust, the legitimately elected clerk and recorder in this rugged mountain county since 1968, says she doesn’t remember anything past 1978. The bombshell announcement has whittled down trust and uprooted fence posts, leaving constituents reeling from the Bland Valley to Goodenough Gulch.

Faust’s often coveted position in local gov’ment dictates that she records the goings on, especially those of the official persuasion. This is akin to documentation. Some data is kept in the immediate memory bank, some is written down somewhere for later reference, some is discarded as useless gray matter.

The presence of curtailed quotes, random notes and spurious formulas scribbled on her office wall has led many to believe she could not recall anything from clock-in to quitting time. One smudged entry appears to do with shoe sizes in Europe while another is clearly a week’s grocery list.

“I don’t remember when I stopped recording,” she said. “It might have been spring or could have been fall. The winners might write the history, like they say, but…Oh, I forgot the rest of it.”

The disclosure has raised eyebrows all the way to the state house with analysts asking if privacy junkies in mountain towns rigidly reject paper trails or if they simply vote by compassion.

“She had to work somewhere,” said one retired councilman. “She’s a delightful lady and in small towns forgetfulness can be a virtue.”

Despite transparent failures, Faust will continue on as clerk and recorder until at least the next election in 2022, a contest she is projected to win in a landslide.

– Gabby Haze

Mitt Romney declares Utah a “sovereign nation”

Colorado, New Mexico follow suit in Rocky Surprise

Legislators in three western states have voted for secession from the United States of America. They have called for top security fortification of all borders to be carried out with with extreme prejudice. The move is seen as a response to alleged lies and spotty federal aid based on politics and cronyism.

Disgruntled and former allies of the United States are this morning flocking to create embassies and consulates in abandoned tar shacks and shoddy roadside trailers in the newly emerging nations. The activity has been remarkable according to The Salt Lake and Wasatch Tribune: “where none hath seen like migration since the gold camps and railroad before”. Right now nobody knows if this new coalition will attempt to join other “rascal states” farther west of the Rockies.

“Residents here and in the aforementioned Rocky Mountain regions express hope that this new arrangement might  give them some leverage in decision making and life choices ever since the Trumpers blew it,” chimed Admiral Fyodor Winnie Toole, who is in the midst of a nasty campaign against a known anarchist for Jurisprudence Czar in Clovis (NM) in November. With one foot still firmly on the bilge pump he appears to be a shoe-in. Quite popular with the helmsmen and the ladies in waiting, his reemergence has been a shock to detractors and a boon to solicitors.

While the unceasingly monotonous Toole, who often spells his name Tool so as to maintain a shadowy sense of the anonymous, explains: “It’s to throw them off my scent”. Whoever is chasing him or supports his fantasies and mid-numbing exercises of paranoia is not named in the credits. While Admiral Fyodor continues spouting like a compacted tugboat in labor, the rest of us need to sit down and think things over.

“Colorado will have roads to plow,” said a retired planner from Castle Rock, “and running Utah itself is no walk in the park.

“Who will step up on garbage day?” chanted a councilman from Penasco. “Where will they start? What will they eat for lunch?”

“How many of our fellow citizens can we count on even to walk the dog?” Toole reconnoitered, forcing his way back into the now heated dialogue. “And when?”

“Our borders are easily defended. Invasion by sea would be ridiculous,” spat Toole militarily. “It’s those air planes that worry us now but we have a load of anti-aircraft guns and land mines coming in on the red-eye from China. Should be here any day now precluding an all out gutting of the postal service by our former countrymen, the Republicans.”

Sources still in control in the US say it has no plan to attack what it called prodigal states, the truth being leaders there are hard-pressed to get out of bed in the morning. Most haven’t been seen in public for weeks, even days.

Meanwhile a highly evolved blueprint for infrastructure is improving in leaps and hounds due to public works programs that put people to work building roads and bridges. Besides rewarding dogs for practicing abstinence in sexual encounters these working vacations discourage cats from sleeping in a sunny window all afternoon and ignoring the needs of others. It’s Utopia!

Progressives claim the cities are crime free since they have invited the urban residency to relocate to country to grow beans and hang out on the porch at night. Conservatives say they should grow rice too.

Education, day care, pubic transportation, the arts and medicine are free with cereal box tops.  Bubble gum will return to baseball card packs and no one over 300 pounds should wear yoga pants. Ancient water and mineral rights have been seriously reconsidered. Game is plentiful and most residents will thrive.

Taxes are no higher than in the abundantly militant US where half the taxes go to weapons and another third into the pockets of unscrupulous rats that would throw their grandmothers to the virus lions for a nickel.

Readers will recall that California, Oregon, Washington and Nevada were just last week kicked out of the United States after complaining that they were not receiving federal aid in times of crisis. They have merged as the Pacific Bear Republic and have flags, fireworks and marching bands everywhere.

The alien resident status of natives and longtime residents of the escaped states will be appraised and decided on a case by case basis. Most will be invited to return but it is their option.

After December 31: Any other applications, pleas and proposals will be handled by our consortium of embassies link in Geneva or by various diplomatic missions being created in sympathetic states trapped by geography or indifference to quality of life.

-Suzie Compost

Horseshoe accused of benefitting from lockdowns

(Coconuca Plaza) Critics are enraged today with the release of new readership figures over at the San Juan Horseshoe. The data, collected since March 15, validates earlier claims that readership of the website, sanjuanhorseshoe.com, had doubled or even tripled since the institution of social distancing restrictions.

“Our hits have exploded, increasing by the hundreds each day since the obligatory self-isolation approach was enacted in March,” said account executive Loraine “Tinkerbelle” DeHaviland, from the pea-brained veranda of her self-contained cranium cubicle.

Publishers of the site say they are being wrongly targeted in that they are not profiting from the misery of others, hoarding anything or even earning direct compensation from the mushrooming stats.

Further examination of graphs and digital widgets strongly suggests that the traffic will swell further as the pandemic continues. Editors agree that more idle time, bad television and chronic boredom have had a hand in the upsurge.

“We just hope that all businesses are able to survive this mess and get back on their feet,” continued DeHaviland. “We’d rather focus there than on our own successes and failures.”

“While we are thrilled with the number of visitors to our site we hope for a brighter tomorrow,” she said, “for everyone on the planet.”

Conspiracy advocates say that The Horseshoe is part of a deeper, misguided attack on the economy at a time of desperation for essential workers who do not have the option to stay home if they so choose.

“They just want to keep Americans in their homes so that they can take their guns,” said Rev. Roscoe Barbarius, who hasn’t seen a nickel in the collection plate for weeks. “It’s all a distraction so as to install the god-less, liberal agenda and teach socialism in our schools.”

He has called on his congregation to aggressively boycott the website, a move that seems to have backfired, driving a strong portion of his assemblage for a peek at the sinning satire.

“In apprehension of immoral profits pouring in with this expanding circulation and escalating appeal we have mucked out our offices and now have electricity and running water in the building,” said a front office source familiar with these developments.

DeHaviland then laughed out loud, vehemently denying accusations that the Horseshoe had purchased new drapes, light fixtures, carpet and sheets for all the desks.

-Fred Zeppelin

FDA secretly tested flour tortillas in face of medical mask shortages

(San Andreas, CA) The United States Food and Drug Administration today revealed that it has been clandestinely testing flour tortillas as substitute medical masks in light of shortages in hospitals and on the street in 2020. The announcement, although a surprise to some, was quickly digested by most in that the concept is quite simple.

The unheated tortillas have elastic properties that, although limited, can be arranged to fit most faces tightly and securely. When the tortilla/mask is applied properly it will cover most mouth and nasal areas of the face with room to spare. Larger faces will need the family style version of the popular flatbread while smaller faces and children can get by with the casita style, which is smaller.

Researchers acknowledged that some flour particles stick to the wearer’s mug but that the pancakes breath nicely and emit a pleasant aroma even when worn for hours. People with beards did not like them nor did those with small chins

Consumers have been cautioned against using sopaipillas or arepas since they are not airtight. Likewise corn tortillas are ineffective since they are more brittle and do not mold to the lower cheeks or jowls.

Reaction to this potential use for tortillas has created a stir in some Hispanic communities but little hoarding has occurred.

“Those gringo tortillas that you buy at the grocery are not the real things anyway,” said Hectora Simon Ramone, a professor of food science at Cal Polygamy here in the California desert. “The real ones are homemade by the campesinos and their family recipes are not shared with government agencies.”

In addition the FDA further suggests that taco shells, artisan breads, egg roll wrappers, kabob rolls, pita bread and vegetarian wraps do not work well due again to inconsistencies in the makeup and distinct ethnic flairs.

When asked about other pantry items that might ease palpable shortages of ventilators available from the federal government a FDA source said, “That’s not our department. Call your governor.”

– Pepper Salte, Food Editor