All Entries in the "Soft News" Category
Mobs Attack Science Fair
(Cajones, MO) Prompted by local climate deniers an angry crowd attacked an itinerant science exhibit here scattering participants and obliterating over 100 booths before disengagement.
The mob, leftover from an anti-immigration rally held here last night smashed displays and interrupted demonstrations of alternative energy and evolution before moving on to burgers and fries in a secure pavilion provided by a local soft drink concern.
The Earth Is Flat Society, the Know Nothing Party and several local religious sects denied involvement in the destruction although leaflets distributed before the assault bore the birthmarks of previous intervention.
“It’s the devil’s workbook,” said one Calvinist preacher. “There is nothing about these secular postulates in our teachings. They are dirty like sex education and voting for a Democrat.”
Physics and chemistry are not offered in the mandatory public education curriculum…especially at the middle school level. As a result many of the zombies involved in the violence see these disciplines as witchcraft.
Progressive elements, busy cleaning up the mess, blamed the outburst on the use of Teflon in the kitchen, the constant exposure to talk radio and the daily consumption of trash food.
“It’s the standard xenophobic boilerplate,” said one chemist from Moline. “Up until now no one has successfully produced stupidity in a test tube but it is not for the lack of effort.”
– Juliene Pettifogger
Senator calls for more security on Wall
(Sterile Sands, AZ)) More guards may be needed to protect the expanding Trump Wall from pilfering says Senator Quincy Chirpe (GOP) of West Virginia. The call for increased vigilance arrives as chunks of wall were reported missing this morning along the entire US border with Mexico.
Poor people south of the border are using the easily accessed material to build houses. The porous structure, haphazardly built and improperly aligned to prevent erosion and water damage is an expensive diversion that appears unable to stop refugees from crossing at will.
“The Wall will keep out airplanes too and boats and…socialism and bad people and…” – Senator Chirpe of West Virginia says wall will be built of coal.
“We see this monument to stupidity as just another Trump fantasy that was never meant to function at any level other than pandering the president’s shrinking base,” said Rep. Alice Carbonfoote, a Democrat from Charleston. “Wasn’t the control of migration the original idea behind this monstrosity?” she asked before being threatened by wall work crews, angry that they had not yet been paid promised wages and blaming their fiscal desperation on “swamp-dwelling liberals”.
“We will probably have to build a wall around the wall to protect the wall,” said Chirpe. “Fortunately we have Russian backing and an unlimited supply of bricks. We also have a horde of trigger-happy militias intent on blood,” he grinned.
The bird-legged Chirp has received much notoriety after promising his constituents that the entire border barricade would be built of West Virginia coal. A loyal Trump ally since the Obama Birth Certificate Scandal, Chirpe was the inspiration for the Gold Brick Program where enthusiastic supporters of non-existent immigration policies can write their name on the concrete barrier for posterity and $500 cash (no checks).
For more information on how you can support corruption, ignorance and racism go to www.wizardwall.com and make a pledge.
“This beautiful, terrific and wonderful wall on the Mexican border has been so successful that we’re building another intergalactic wall to protect us from space creatures and comets,” bragged Chirp. “It will stretch from Venus to Pluto and be constructed of good ol’ West Virginia coal, too” said Chirpe. “But we won’t start on that one until after the 2020 election. Even President Trump can’t do everything for our country in so short a time.”
In a related development: fumigators were observed at the White House again Friday for the second time this week. A revolving administration staff source insisted the claim was fake news despite thousands of photographs to the contrary snapped by on-site security cameras.
– Sally Peaches
A finca in the sky
The wonders of Antioquia continue to unfold at a coffee finca at 7,000 feet. Looking down on flocks of birds and absorbing the rich greens as enhanced by the best coffee on the planet. Photo by Delinda Austin
Health and Stealth
with Melvin Toolstoy
Broken hearts not considered a pre-existing condition
In a blow to rejected lovers the House today voted in favor of the insurance cartel saying that lost love does not constitute a threat to life and therefore is not automatically included in basic medical or surgical treatment on most policies.
In addition, broken hearts could not be classified as a pre-existing condition but that persons with multiple love calamities and worn track records could still be denied coverage.
“This decision heavily favors those who embrace monogamy or who have not yet met the right person,” said Doctor Simon Lackluster of the Mao Clinic. “People who are not in touch with their libidos should not have to worry about emergency room etiquette and are free to seek treatment in more progressive cultures where medicine does not have a steep price tag.”
The announcement said nothing of exorbitant prescription costs and the absence of the Hippocratic Oath on medical balance sheets in the United States.
Any procedures compliant with freethinking and alternative care are not covered under Medifaire. Instead white tipped canes will be handed out to those blinded by emotion.
Executive insurance policies still promise “You can take it with you even though that has yet to be confirmed by anyone in a position of authority.
Trump Declares Every Night is Taco Night
(Key Lardass) In apparent celebration of his bogus acquittal in an iniquitous Senate, Donald Trump has proclaimed Every Night Is Taco Night. The announcement came at a no expenses paid MAGA rally where hired supporters donned hats and waved flags behind the president so as to stimulate television factions at home.
A follow-up book burning was then held on the White House lawn even though it is clearly prohibited by the First Amendment. Sadly, some 300,000 copies of Triggered by Donald Trump Jr. were mistakenly burned in the melee that (according to the White House) drew some 7 million devotees.
Sales of Triggered have been less than pathetic. Critics link the poor performance to the right-wing’s discomfort with the printed word. The smoldering copies (chronicling the life and times of singing cowboy Roy’s Rogers horse named Trigger) will be categorized as sold, bumping overall sales upwards toward 300,666.
“We should have read the book to them over the radio,” said one now banished publisher, who added that his company has suspended the printing of three-dollar bills with two faces of vice-president Mike Pence on each.
Clerics who support the president drove home a GOP claim that Jesus supports fracking.
“It’s right there in the Bible,” squeaked one.
Meanwhile Americans from Iraq to Indiana can enjoy a bag of cut-rate tacos and then go back to sleep.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
After Hours Party Poised for Primaries
The newly extracted After Hours Party is expected to make an immediate dent in the ancient and exhausted partisan system of yore. Following the premise that nobody really agrees with anyone else ever, the constituted group plans to present a transparent platform full of trap doors, false fronts and vaulted ceilings.
“It’s politics without a net,” said Evelyn Marmotbreath, who along with everyone else in the fringe group is a frontrunner for the Presidential nomination. The kickoff convention, (slated to take place in Puerto Rico during hurricane season), will find it difficult to come to any viable decision in time for the November election, but we’ll have straw hats, signs, uncomfortable metal chairs and a bit of drunkenness anyway.”
It is feared that radical factions herein will attempt to take over the gov’ment since no one else knows how to feed and water it.
“We should to do well in swing states,” said Marmotbreath, candidate for parks and recreation director on the Caribbean island. “Sure there will be slides, teeter-tottering and merry-go-rounds but in the final accounting we should find ourselves firmly entrenched in the sandbox.”
When asked about rumors that Ward Cleaver was poised for a comeback Marmotbreath spat.
“His message is too conservative and most of the younger voters know him only from Nick at Night,” she said. “Besides his misogynous base is peppered with questionable input from people named Wally, Lumpy, Eddie and Beaver. June barely counts. What does she do all day anyway? Is Ward a Roosevelt Democrat or a Harding Republican? There are a plethora of unanswered question here.”
Many in he After Hours Party have loudly rejected Cleaver as a potential running mate for everyone else, fearing that his tie-to-dinner manifesto will petrify the pierced and terrify the tattooed. In addition most fear that, in a close election, he will undoubtedly rely on his own unsolicited advice.
“If, as a nation, we would start spending money helping people instead of hurting them, our international conflicts would begin to evaporate. Of course, positive results would not occur overnight so our electorate would not be inclined to support policies that would come to fruition only after their reign and thus not benefit their political careers at the present time.”
– Gabby Haze, political analyst and slave to the barometer.
