All Entries in the "Soft News" Category
Canal Receives Over 40,000 Tape Measures
Sets Guinness Book of World Records Mark*
(Al Kibrit, Egypt)) Following the Ever Given fiasco last week, the Suez Canal Authority is in bumbling possession of some 40,000 tape measures of all sizes, styles and colors.
The tapes were sent by jokesters from all over the globe after a Panamanian-flagged container ship, the Ever Given, was wedged in the world’s major waterway for almost a week. Although it was not clear who might be to blame for the marooning, the Suez Canal Authority appears to be the scapegoat until other scapegoats can be defined, created and/or identified.
The 200,000-ton, Japanese-owned ship manned by an Indian crew, got cross-ways within the artificial conveyance on March 23 and tugboats, dredgers and salvage craft were employed to extricate it. Lost revenue from the traffic stoppage easily could reach $10 billion per day. The cost of the vessel’s liberation was estimated at “between ludicrous and preposterous.”
The container ship is as long as the Empire State Building is high or “damn big” as bystanders muttered in as many as 35 languages, as the dislodging took shape.
“We just needed another canoe-full of WD-40 and 3 imperial vats of Vasoline,” said one pilot. “We hope to bottle the stuff and become rich from the sales of our patent-pending Super Ever Given Salve. We might even add a little CBD and catch the new age traffic.”
*The Guinness award was etched in “miscellaneous category” for all posterity
Elvis Christmas music in March
(Connemara, County Mayo, Republic of Ireland) I generally don’t start drinking until 10:30 but I was on vacation. This looks like a nice pub. I smiled hello to two regulars named Sean and Rory and ordered a pint and a Powers. I have had the pleasure of tipping a few with characters like these two from town. They were like little children waiting for something to either break or talk to death.
“I just come back from Nashville,” said Fiona from behind the cherry wood at Griffin’s Pub in downtown Clifden on the Atlantic Coast of Connemara.
“Really. Who did you see? Where did you stay? What was the weather like in March?” I said.
Fiona went into a flurry of observation from Hank Williams to Minnie Pearl. She talked about the food and the Cadillacs and the cowboy hats. It was then that I heard it.
Elvis was on the sound system singing “Blue Christmas.”
Before long Sean and Rory heard it too. We looked at each other trying to appear shocked, even insulted by the unseasonable troubadour crooning and spooning about another lost love. Finally Rory spoke up:
What the hell are you doing with Elvis singing Blue Christmas in March? And you- the expert from Nashville and all…”
“I’m never coming into this pub again said Sean
“Good,” said Fiona.
“Neither am I,” teased Rory
“Fine. Drink up and get your arses out!”
“And you…she said, looking down at me…”Coming in here from over seas interfering with Irish culture and so early in the afternoon.
I was ashamed.
She let the entire song play and after it was all over put on some Christy Moore and then everyone settled in for the afternoon, on the merits of their recent victory over what is right and what is not.
“I thought you were leaving,” Fiona said to Sean
“No I think I’ll stay. I’m almost certain that Elvis is about to sing The Rose of Tralee.”
I got a smile from Sean and a wink from Rory and a kiss goodbye from Fiona. Not bad for a morning’s work. Now it’s time for lunch and a nap. How does one say siesta in Irish?
Clifden in the daytime. Mountains and the ocean.
“Don’t Encourage Them.”
Even though there are at least seven pubs open in Clifden during the winter months, I found myself back on the same bar stool at Griffin’s around 8 pm. The music was unbelievable. Two men and two guitars and the whole bar singing the chorus…kind of those rebel songs…. The West’s’ Awake…The West’s’ Awake. Tearful tunes sung loud to drown out any of the old sadness that the Guinness may have missed.
Don’t get me wrong. Ireland seems a happy place today.
At a break I wandered up to the small bandstand asking the singer, “Does your mother know you have such a fine Irish voice?”
“She’ll be here in a 1/2. You can ask her yourself,” he said
Only six of the town’s pubs have live music every night. On Tuesday night they are all packed…sippers and shooters and football nuts and some guy intent on reading Joyce in the corner.
“My dad is playing up at Lowry’s and my brother is part of a band over at Malarkey’s,” continued the singer. “Mom’s holding down the stage on her own up the street at the Central until about 10. We’re all playing together at Mitchell’s on Saturday. Will you still be in town?” he asked as if we were cousins.
“Guinness isn’t cheap but socializing is free so you need to find the balance. That way you come home with a few coins at least,” said 88-year-old Mr. McCrery, a local farmer who still works his land and has been a fixture at Griffin’s since 1950.
I don’t have to get back to Dublin until Monday. I think I’ll hang out in this absolutely charming town and catch the whole family performing together. I know I’d kick myself if I didn’t, and besides I’m supposed to go fishing with a retired Cork policeman who tells gold medal lies about his 30-year career with a straight face. Imagine that.
– Kevin Haley
BONUS:
Q. How could a person spend the entire day walking the streets of Dublin City without passing so much as one pub?
A: Go into all of them
Horseshoe Lotto Fraudulent, Misleading Says State Treasurer
(Denver) Persons stupid enough to buy a San Juan Horseshoe Lottery ticket have about 1 in 30,000,000 chance to win any loot, according to state data reserves and unreliable casino sources up Confront Range canyons.
The State of Colorado, which would not release highly sensitive information on winning percentages in its popular Lotto programs, is investigating the Horseshoe for evidence of misdoings including possible extortion and kidnapping.
“The Colorado Gaming Commission was not amused by these ham-fisted and proletarian attempts to swindle the good people of Colorado and Wyoming. Never mind that the state has allowed gambling to diminish mining history and quality of life in palaces like Cripple Creek and creating cute little Disneylands and Bransons right in our midst,” said one former hardware store owner, turned Black Jack dealer in Central City.
“That entity (the Horseshoe) has no right to portray lotteries as the magic solution to social injustice and poverty. That is our job,” said an official release from Denver.
-Susie Compost
Cartoons Mutiny at Colorado POX
(Spoontowne) Leading cartoon activists will take over reporting responsibilities at POX News as of March according to Rupert Murdoch, billionaire owner of the network.
The gradual change, slated for summer, snowballed in December and the fallout hit the screen in February with the now much publicized on-air mutiny. POX is concerned that it is embracing reliability in content as well as telling both sides of a story, according to an industry spokesperson.
“These adherences to professionalism and fleeting journalism have put our entertainment badge at risk,” said the source. “Entertainment has always been the flagship here with lots of editorials replacing the news.”
POX figures cartoons can read the daily stories as well as humans at half the price tag. News casts have already taken on a different light with the heralded replacement of Sean Hannity with Plucky Duck and Tucker Carlson with America’s favorite blue-hair: Marge Simpson, who will act as anchor on what continues to look like a sinking ship.
All POX, CNN, MSNBC and even PBS talking heads will continue to wear liar’s collars while on the air to insure that the American people are getting at least a scoop of the real poop.
“One cannot build a solid ship or any structure to last when it’s built on a foundation of lies and misinformation,” continued our media spokesperson. “This is not conjecture. These people are pretenders and frauds.”
Imagine tuning in for a news program with duel anchors Bill Hemmer and Louise Becker from Bob’s Burgers. Maybe Peppa Pig and the Incredible Crash Dummies could do the weather. Stewie Griffin, the baby from The Family Guy might do well chipping in with updates on former demigods and spoiled children.
That leaves Shaun the Sheep to formulate policy applicable to all local POX stations.
At present only a few ex-broadcasters have applied for the Unilateral Liars’ Amnesty that retroacts back to 2014. The possible hang-up is a stipulation that requires them to prove rehabilitation and promise to tell the truth at all times.
– Fred Zeppelin
The author of this piece cannot afford a television and subsequently gathered data and info for this story from Wikipedia, ask.com, answers.com, how.com and by conversing with pre-schoolers.
Interview with a recently discovered poet
Pico Clyde-Sarena, for decades a remote, frazzled voice in the world of supercilious verse, has finally reached the mainstream of world literature. We were fortunate to have been granted this interview with one of the most persistent and provocative figures of our time.
Horseshoe: Why are all of your poems the same length?
Paco: It’s the size of the fecking pad, man. I bought 2000 legal pads in March and I’m already down to six or seven. I start at the top and fill space with my words until I reach the bottom…then I have lunch.
Horseshoe: So it appears you have a rigid daily discipline. Do you write everyday?
Paco: No. I only write on Wednesdays.
Horseshoe: What do you do the rest of the time?
Paco: I make plum wine. Then, three weeks later, I drink it
Horseshoe: That’s quite a combination…poems and bodegas! Do you see a metaphor here?
Paco: I see a lot more metaphors after the wine has matured. Barbie dolls on the in the roux burned like a bat-winged banter master spouting crude recollections. False prophet…False sinner, worse yet. Spoken flowers are only as good as the lover who catches the poem petal. Most miss it surely as it drifts to the ground.
Horseshoe: Wow! That’s hot. What time of the day do you prefer to write?
Paco: Right out of bed works the best. I like to smoke Nicaraguan puros while I mainline Paraguayan mate’ and scramble my oatmeal. That’s when my head is clear and my passion ignited. Some of my favorite works, however have been penned on my way to bed when my head is swirling and my dreams linger.
Horseshoe: Heavy.
Paco: No actually quite light. It’s important for an artist to give himself plenty of leisure time. That way the words flow without the distractions of the mundane.
Horseshoe: Your words are incredible and we see that you are bi-lingual as well. If I may quote from a recent work:
Las estrellas del Sur habla
a me en la noche linda .
Dicen mi nombre, su nombre bella
su nombre bella, su nombre bella.
Su alma, su corizon, su cuelo rico.
Chow dudes. Viva pax.
What do these words mean to you?
Paco: I don’t have any idea. I don’t speak a lick of Spanish.
Horseshoe: It’s kind of like telepathy, no?
Paco: Yeah sure. I can write 700 poems in one day if I drop all pretense and quality control. Most people are afraid of poetry anyway so very few get passed the first line or two. As a beautiful woman once told me: “It’s bad poetry, Paco…but keep slinging it. Sooner or later you’re bound to rhyme something.”
Horseshoe: I see you drive a 1947 Bedford Paddy Wagon. That must have cost a pretty penny.
Paco: It was a gift from one of my lovers.
Horseshoe: do beautiful women like it says in the introduction to Bruin Conspiracies besiege you? Do you read to them all?
Paco: I can’t read. To quote the late Warren Zevon: Poor, poor pitiful me…poor, poor pitiful me…the young girls won’t let me be…poor, poor pitiful me. I wish I’d written those lines, yeah boy.
Horseshoe: Have you any advice for budding poets?
Paco: Write with crayons, that way if you get hungry you’ll have plenty to eat. Just go on a tear and hope nobody reads the stuff…It’s all perception of reality anyway. If it barks like a bird and whinnies like an ostrich then I’d suggest staying far away during mating season.
