All Entries in the "Soft News" Category
PIZZA DELIVERY INDUSTRY LARGEST ON SLOPE
(Montrose) With more than 7,000 persons currently employed, the pizza delivery industry has overtaken agriculture as the number one industry on the Western Slope. According to recently released records, some 44,712 pizzas are delivered between Hiawatha and Pagosa Springs, placing the western half of the state 16th in national pizza consumption per capita, and the industry itself 20th in overall gross national product.
“That don’t count them pizzas that is picked up at the counter neither,” said one recent high school graduate enrolled in a local management program.
GUNNISON TO REPLACE TREES
(Craynor Hill) The City of Gunnison will begin replacing all trees within the city limits tomorrow, it was disclosed today. The replanting, financed in part through funds generated by an Arbor Day bake sale, will take approximately three months. Used trees, leveled to make room for new ones, will be chopped up and used to heat the county jail next winter.
“It was time to clean up the place,” said an anonymous city worker. “People had become tired of looking at the same old trees.”
Most major streets will be closed until the operation is completed. Persons interested in contributing seedlings are asked to call city hall.
THE WHETHER
Partly cloudy conditions will continue through mid-afternoon, with an increase in wind expected into the evening. Temperatures in the valleys are almost certain to reach 135 degrees by noon, with highs in the mountains hovering around 110 degrees. The lows tonight will dip down to 45 below zero, with Gunnison recording the nation’s lowest temperature at 80 below zero. A stockmen’s warning has been issued for Ouray and San Miguel Counties, where herd animals have stopped eating altogether and have begun to question authority. Visitors are encouraged to stay indoors unless the situation returns to normal, whatever that might be these days.
Vaqueros deben registrar sus caballos
(Jardin, Antioquia) Los vaqueros locales de la Region Zen tienen hasta el 31 de enero para registrar sus monturas o se enfrentarán a severas sanciones. Según una ordenanza recientemente aprobada, esto afecta a todas las razas, incluyendo burros y mulas, pero no a burros ni asnos.
Actualmente, las ovejas, cabras, vacas y aves de corral no se ven afectadas, a menos que 1) se utilicen para el control del rebaño, 2) participen en carreras, 3) presenten comportamientos relacionados con la fiebre aftosa o la enfermedad de las vacas locas. Los líderes locales afirman que necesitan determinar cuántos caballos viven en la zona, mientras que los críticos califican la medida de “una lenta adaptación del censo”.
De cualquier manera, la ley es la ley y se exige su cumplimiento o los animales serán confiscados y enviados a ranchos turísticos. Los dueños de caballos pueden registrarlos en el juzgado de su condado, en una tienda de alimentos local o en el estacionamiento de Walmart. El procedimiento es muy similar al de registrar un coche: uno simplemente hace fila, extiende un cheque y se va a casa con un papelito sin sentido. Las tasas (impuestos) se determinan, al igual que los vehículos, según la edad del caballo.
Un caballo de espalda hundida de 20 años costará mucho menos que un semental o una yegua de cría de dos años. Los caballos cuarto de milla (compactos) costarán aproximadamente el 80% de las tasas de propiedad de un purasangre o un árabe que consume mucha heno. Los caballos Appaloosa y Pintos se cobrarán según su composición, peso y capacidad de combustible.
Quienes deseen aprovechar el controvertido descuento para caballos castrados deben enviar sus solicitudes por correo a Horse Flesh Tax, Departamento de Bocados y Arneses, 26 Hackamore Lane, Cimarron Beach, Colorado.
“Sabemos que registrar un caballo puede parecer engorroso al principio”, dijo Muriel Mange, de la recién creada agencia tributaria, “pero se ha convertido en una parte necesaria de la vida rural. Después de todo, ¿cómo podemos emitir licencias si los caballos no están registrados?” Mange, quien nunca ha montado a caballo y prefiere los perros pequeños y los peces tropicales, dice que su departamento no descansará hasta que todos los caballos estén registrados.
“No hacemos excepciones”, espetó. “Si tuviera la oportunidad, registraría a Pegasus. Para más información, visítenos en la web: www.wrongheadedgov’mentpolicies.com“.
UNA PODEROSA RATA DE MANADA SALVA A UNA FAMILIA DE UTAH DEL INCENDIO
- (Ticaboo) A una poderosa rata de acopio, supuestamente sobrealimentada por la exposición constante a un repelente híbrido de plagas, se le atribuye haber salvado a una familia de Utah de un incendio devastador que destruyó su casa y granero anoche. El roedor nocturno, un entusiasta participante de la vida en comunidad, aparentemente descubrió el incendio en el sótano de una de las viviendas y alertó a la familia, que huyó antes de que las llamas llegaran al primer piso. “Definitivamente, la adrenalina estaba en juego”, dijo un agente local. Esta rata arrancó vigas de acero, atravesó un muro de contención desmoronado y masticó un agujero en el techo para aliviar los daños causados por el humo, todo mientras se escabullía bajo el humo y se asfixiaba. Tenemos fotos del sistema de seguridad de la estructura. Sé que suena estúpido, pero esa rata era una especie de fisicoculturista —frunció el ceño—. “No sabemos cómo este cariñoso rescate afectará la reputación de la odiada rata de manada en las zonas rurales”, añadió un bombero en el lugar. “Estos malditos roedores han tenido un problema de relaciones públicas desde la Peste y antes”. Se desconocía si la familia y la rata se conocían. -Suzie Compost
Potty –Mouthed Elves Cackling Socialites
Mangy elves, bored and idled by their cheap, paltry existence, have clearly become a threat to the holiday season. Armed with signature potty mouths, muscle-bound dwarfs have been crashing Christmas parties under the cloak of official helpers since earlier this month. Now with a termination of most Yuletide duties, the little ruffians arrive in swarming ranks set on trouble.
Authorities fear that the elves will target New Year’s Eve parties where an abundance of alcohol is often served, a formula for potential disaster. Last year local police reported only a few altercations during the evening hours (elves duck well) but arrested some 35 of the little people for delayed-release drunkenness at breakfast spots, the local grocery and in a variety of irrigation ditches on New Year’s Day.
REINDEER NOT ALWAYS HAPPY ON YULE
It has long been a human trait to take for granted that, although the wheels have long since fallen off our own wagons, everyone else is doing just fine. If you are a reindeer at Christmas, it’s all but a given that things are looking up. Surely, as one of Santa’s anointed eight, the laborious joys of the solstice would establish peace and harmony. Maybe not. Let’s eavesdrop on a little soul searching, compliments of Blitzen, a veteran point man in Santa’s annual entourage. Nobody knows the trouble he’s seen. Here’s Blitzen:
Damn. Another cold night out here fooling with these reins. I wish the fat boy would spring for new tack this Christmas but he’ll probably settle for carrots and green apples like last year. Where in all of creation did he read that reindeer like that sort of thing. What we need out there in the dark is a cup of rum and eggnog. Where’s Donner? She was supposed to be back from the hardware store an hour ago.
Legend tells it that we beasts of burden are happy pursuing a life of service to this obsessed elf in a red suit. That’s history for you. The winners write it down and the losers suffer from cold feet. I’m so tired of little kids with dreamy eyes waiting by the chimney while we’re up on the roof freezing, our hooves slipping. How many people still use fireplaces? Don’t they know wood smoke pollutes the ozone? Why can’t they hold Christmas in July like all those greedy furniture stores?
If I hear that carol one more time I’m gonna puke. Can’t someone play something a little more progressive. Hell, I’ll even take Elvis or Brenda Lee over this syrupy saga that Santa pumps out over the loud speakers. Maybe he’d lighten up if we could get the internet at the North Pole. WiFi rarely works in the snow. I think they can’t make any money up here what with polar bears, codfish and crazy elves with those pointy red noses.
And speaking or red noses the old lady, Mrs. Claus, has been flown down to Canada for another round of rehab. I can’t blame the woman for hitting the bottle. You try living with a benevolent elf that can’t afford a second suit of clothes but insists on giving away the farm every December 24. I don’t mean to be bitter but everyone has his limit.
And then there’s the favorite son, Rudolph. Before some flatlander came up with the song, you know, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, there was parity, solidarity in this job. Now we have the privileged one and a host of extras. It’s not like we’re in it for the notoriety, or that most of us care. We just want to finish our jobs and get back down to Greenland for winter carnival. It’s tough enough to find a suitable mate in the Arctic but try it up here where we’re up to our butts in blizzards and sleigh bells.
He hates to be called Rudy. Rudy…Rudy…more Rudy. Hey, you don’t sign my pay check, you pompous flit. Where did you get that red nose from anyway? At least Mrs. Claus drinks out in the open.
After all these years I’m still fifth man on a string of idiots. When I first started this gig I figured I’d be into management by now. In fact I was promised a promotion following the Christmas of ’02, or was it ’04? The years all blend together when you’re working on the chain gang here in the Great North. Maybe this year Prancer and Cupid will brush their teeth before we go out on our journey. Maybe Dasher will bring a map and Vixen will wear those naughty red tights again. I still think Dancer swiped my flask somewhere over Scotland iback in 2024.
Sure, we could have joined the herd union but then we’d have to go to all those smoky meetings with burned-out antelopes, arrogant zebras and yoked oxen. I’d rather sit through one of the fat boy’s sermons. At least he provides health insurance. Oh, here comes Donner, back from the hardware store. I hope she got the right…what? A package in gold with red ribbon? Under the tree in the stable? My name on it? Who…are you pulling my leg. If you are I’ll…we all got presents?
I’ll bet it’s a new collar, or some dry boots or maybe some decoration for my antlers. And a present from Comet? Another from Prancer? A card from Vixen? They shouldn’t have. I thought we agreed not to buy presents anymore. I thought I’d been forgotten.
Even Donner got a pile of presents and she’s only been with us for a little over a century. Christmas morning will be quite the festive occasion this year but I’d better get busy. Maybe I’ll buy us all Christmas dinner or a spring trip to Antarctica for the penguin races. Maybe I’d better go to town. I know what all the reindeer want. I’ve heard them talking and it is far better to give than receive but combined the action is dynamite. Dasher wants a basketball and Cupid a cell phone. I’ll get Santa new underwear and Donner a nightcap. And, speaking of nightcaps I know what I’ll buy Mrs. Claus too. What the hell she deserves to make merry before another seasonal brush with temperance. Hospitals can be so dreary in January. It’s only a few days away. I love this time of the year.
Snoring Elk Relocated
(Galt’s Gulch — Bull Moose Gazette)
Several hundred elk have been removed from the southern fringe of North Carne Canyon in Edith Bunker National Forest today. The animals will have a new home in Gladstone.
Since last summer campers have complained that the elk’s chronic snoring has kept them up at night. Many have already broken camp and moved to more civilized spots up Jackass Flats and along Valentine’s Ridge at the Old Maid Mine.
“Money talks. Nobody snores,” said one federal biologist who has yet to be fired by the current administration.
“We sent special agents up into the contested region and they could not sleep either,” said Max Poltroon, of the DOW task force. This here’s a Code Three. Some of these elk need to have their tonsils removed but just try to get a plumber on Sunday, heh?”
Poltroon said it was a shame that the entire herd had to be inconvenienced by a few bad apples. Elk are special here. They are protected. Other bothersome species often face deportation if it is determined that they are incompetent or in need of constant supervision.
“Running an outfit like the DOW is no walk the park,” he nodded.
– Simian Tilte
