All Entries in the "Soft News" Category

MIGHTY PACK RAT SAVES UTAH FAMILY FROM FIRE

(Ticaboo) A powerful packrat, allegedly super-charged by constant exposure to hybrid pest repellent, is credited with saving an Utah family from an all-consuming blaze that destroyed their house and barn last night.

The nocturnal rodent, an enthusiastic participant in communal living, apparently discovered the fire in the cellar of one of the dwellings and alerted the family who fled before the flames reached the first floor.

“Adrenaline was definitely in play,” said one local deputy. “This rat pulled steel beams, pushed through a crumbling retaining wall and chewed a hole in the roof to relieve smoke damage all while scurrying below the smoke and certain asphyxiation. We have pictures from the structure’s security system. I know it sound stupid but that rat was some kind of body builder, he frowned.

“We don’t know how this loving rescue will affect the status of the hated pack rat in rural environs,”added a fireman on the scene. “These gnawing bastards have had a public relations problem since the Plague and before.”

It was not known if the family and the rat knew each other.

-Suzie Compost

Friends of Earwigs Given Charter Here

(Montrose) The national lobbyist contingent Friends of Earwigs has been granted a 100 year charter here it was announced yesterday. The insect advocate group, known for protecting cockroaches, dust mites, wood ticks and deer flies all over the Rockies, plans an open house in September so as to explain its position.

     “Earwigs are harmless, cute, even beneficial and can make great pets,” says Melvin O’Toole, president of the local chapter. “They eat next to nothing, are for the most part non-drinkers, don’t need much exercise and, if you go out of town for a week or so they can get on nicely without you.”

     According to the group inborn fears of earwigs crawling up into the inner ear of humans and laying eggs is nothing but evil slander.

     “Cases of infestation are as rare as wolf attacks. People just need enemies and don’t care for animals species that scurry away when one discovers them under a rock or turns on the lights,” he said.

     Along with earwigs the executive committee is considering the inclusion of box elders and fleas on their stepped-on endangered species list.

     “We’ve got lost of needy box elders but we’d probably have to import fleas to the high country to protect them,” stressed O’ Toole.

     An Adopt-an-Earwig campaign is expected by next summer.

Making fun of lepers in bad taste

Editorial

THE RIGHT TOOL FOR THE RIGHT JOB

     Hey, I like a good laugh as well as the next guy but making sport of lepers goes too far. Just the other day we witnessed this kind of abuse with a rock throwing incident in one of our National Forests where lepers had camped for the night. Sure, you may not want to camp near them but there is no call for violence. This is ugly. What will these lepers tell their friends back home about their vacation in Colorado?

The refusal of one visitor to rent a jeep after it had been used by a leper is nothing short of  malicious and reprehensible. Name calling, metaphorical and otherwise, is inexcusable.

Granted, we do not have a sizable leper population but the ones we do have should be respected, if not whole-heartedly cherished.

Don’t these people have enough with which to contend without insult and injury hurled from fellow humans? Bigotry aimed at these unfortunates is ignorant and hateful. It is the offspring of misunderstandings and fears generated by parents, schools and society as a whole. Like it or not, lepers are just like you and I and deserve a break. After all they don’t generally create problems. Most hide out from the sunshine in black timber redoubts far away from the threats of the modern populace. Most love their dogs. Most pay taxes. Most are not to blame for their condition.

Now we’re not suggesting you sleep with one or share toothbrushes but at least allow them to breathe the air, smell the roses, wash their raggedy clothing in streams and rivers and live out their pathetic lives. A cure for leprosy, but not stupidity, is right around the corner.

– Kashmir Horseshoe

For a related news piece see “Kennedy bans leper vaccine then rescinds then bans it again” on Oval Jovial

Horseshoe Denies Endorsement Rumors, Will Protect Sources

(Fruita) General Kashmir Horseshoe vehemently denied reports that his editorial staff planned to endorse a ticket comprised of  the late Archduke Ferdinand for President and Apple Annie Peach as Vice President of the United States in November of 2028. These candidates, representing the hopes and dreams of the Silly Old Bosnia Party of Sarajevo, have been the house guests of the publisher since March, leading to an assortment of speculations. Sources at the city desk also denied the rumors, writing them off as utter nonsense.

“Anyone with a lick of sense can see through all of this,” said one under-editor. “We remain firm in our policy not to endorses any candidate or candidates until well after the election.”

The Horseshoe remains defiant in its refusal to identify sources of news on the website sanjuanhorseshoe.com. Saying that anyone participating in growing the news deserves privacy and protection from legal action and harrassment. The satirical watchdog then highlighted a growing list of its efforts in response to yet another gov’ment demand for transparency.

“We will strive to protect our sacred freedoms and will continue providing the full spectrum of news and capsuled comment from both sides. These First-Amedndment safeguards include writers, amateur film makers, judges, eye witnesses, pollsters, whistle blowers, political eccentrics and experts voicing unpopular projections.

These courageous souls, whether real or imagined, will exercise the right to speak up, relying on this redoubt from corporate and gov’ment strong-arming. Corroborating sources will enjoy hayseed lawyers, backwater promontories and a complimentary continental breakfast as well as highly technical, quite modern methods of promoting free speech in the face on mindless tyranny. Humor works better than bulllets but only up to a point, he said.”

Bright stars at the website called the Horseshoe’s often mulish lack of compliance “one of baseline brinks on the cusp of a new world threashold that advances the agenda of all Americans. They say their struggles herein benefit society as a whole even the predatorial population and those who buy into the cesspools of ignorance churned out by elements who want to control your soul with fear and repetitive soundbytes.

In an official statement the news venue tempered its response: “We will consciensiously represent our good faith by supporting the valiant and impulsive, the staid and the contrary, be they fountainheads of information or merely peddlers of the mundane recording snippets of history in muffled whispers or methodical slapdash.”

Local fruit growers have filed a protest, demanding help in the form of increased tariffs on fruit cultivated in the Austro-Hungarian Empire.

– Fred Zeppelin

GARDENING EDITOR WOUNDED IN KNIFE FIGHT

(Gunnison) A prominent gardening voice in the Gunnison Valley is recovering from a pointed altercation suffered outside of a local nursery yesterday. According to police, Melvin Toole, of Antelope Hills, will survive the injuries although he is having trouble holding water at present.

      The fight reportedly precipitated over the definition of  perennial and in no time had exploded into violence as threats were realized and knives were brandished.

     The assailant, a 93-year-old Gunnison grandmother identified as Mabel Singleton, allegedly rushed the unsuspecting Toole as he fondled a tomato plant, stabbing him repeatedly. Singleton, a retired botanist, once employed by the Pentagon, said she could not tolerate Toole’s condescending attitude toward  the philodendrons. She is being held at the Alamo/Pizza Mountain Mental Health Clinic for psychiatric observation. If convicted she could face pruning and lifetime banishment from gardening operations in the Tomichi and Fossil Ridge Sectors.

     In a related piece, the same newspaper’s obituary editor, Rocky Flats, dropped dead just after deadline on Friday. Flats has only recently won the Mormon Lottery. His winnings will be split up between his ex-wife, Frieda, a Paraguayan traffic cop and his brother Red who raises giant shrimp and miniature elephants near Parlin.

– Estelle Marmotbreath

Cowboys Must Register Horses

(Montrose) Local cowpunchers in Region Zen have until October 31 to register their mounts or face stiff penalties. According to a recently adopted ordinance this effects all breeds including donkeys and mules but not burros or jack-asses.

At present sheep, goats, cows and poultry remain unaffected unless they 1.) are used for herd control 2.) engaged in racing 3.) riden to town on Saturday night 4.) exhibit behavior linked to hoof and mouth or mad cow disease. Local leaders say they need to get a handle on just how many horses live in the area while critics call the move “a slow side-saddle sister to the yet another unneccessary census.”

Either way, the law is the law and compliance is demanded or animals will be confiscated and sent to dude ranches or even glue factories in the Philippines. Horse owners can register at any county court house, local feed store or in the Wal-Mart parking lot. The procedure is much like registering a car. One simply stands in line, writes a check and goes home with a meaningless slip of paper. Fees (taxes) are determined, like vehicles, by the age of the horse.

A 20-year-old sway-back will cost far less than a two-year-old stallion or brood mare. Quarter horses (compacts) will run about 80% of the ownership fees for a hay-guzzling Thoroughbred or an Arabian. Appaloosas and Pintos will be charged on the basis of composition, weight and fuel capacity.

Persons wishing to employ the controversial gelding discount should mail in requests to Horse Flesh Tax, Dept. of Bits and Harnesses, 26 Hackamore Lane, Cimarron Beach, CO. Remember to include the code or we will throw your application in the trash.

“We realize that registering one’s horse seems cumbersome, like saddling a philly for some of the younger cow punchers,” said Muriel Maunge, of the newly created agency, “but it has become a necessary part of rural life. After all, how can we issue licenses if the horses are unregistered?”

Maunge, who has never been on a horse, preferring small dogs and tropical fish, says her department will not rest until every horse is registered.

“We make no exceptions,” she snapped. “Why if I had the chance I’d register Pegasus…or even Trigger himself.”

For a related piece dial up

“The Gelded Age – Humans Surrender the Precious Gift of Rational Thought.”

By G. Peter Gatsby, Testosterone Brothers, Boston.