All Entries in the "Soft News" Category

WORDS ARE OUR FRIENDS

with Ella Benedictine Rockefeller

from her new book “Adverbs and Ignorance”

Can you define the following words?

1. GOOGOL: a.) Ten to the hundredth power; b.) To stare at someone stupidly; c.) A turncoat lieutenant in the service to Genghis Khan; d.) To purposely goose someone and later pretend the victim was one’s wife or husband.

2. ZONDA: a.) a small Japanese car; b.) The name of Dobbie Gillis’ girlfriend; c.) A hot wind of the Argentine pampas; d.) A cheese made from the pasteurized milk of a adolescent yak.

3. JEHU: a.) A Himalayan rope suspension bridge; b.) Someone who drives too fast; c.) A hayseed, a yahoo or someone from Hooterville; d.) The practice of eating dirt, gravel or yellow snow; e.) All of the above.

4. AGRESTIAN: a.) of the land; b.) A tribe inhabiting Northern Albania; c.) Growing wild in irrigation ditches; d.) Someone who is stupid but thinks he is way cool.

5. BUCKEEN: a.) A young man of lesser gentry aping the manners of the greater; an idle shabby young dandy (Irish); b.) Change for a Ten-spot in Wales; c.) Bad knees resulting from athletic abuse and unfortunate genetics; d.) The habit of jockeying back and forth on the potty in an fruitless attempt to relieve discomfort caused by Xiuhtecutli, the Aztec fire god.

United States Constitution To Appear on Talk Shows

(Washington) The U.S. Constitution and its sidekick, the Bill of Rights, will appear on four talk shows this month so as to remind Americans that it is still in existence (and that freedom is worth fighting to preserve?). Promoters of the event feel that this exposure will insure that the documents are not discarded by politicians in the immediate future. The Constitution, which guarantees almost all the basic rights enjoyed by Americans, will appear on a bevy of talk shows, one virtual reality game show and will be available in its entirety on Tic Toc and Toc Tick (the Chinese version).

Constitutionalists from all walks of life fear that the archive is in jeopardy due the presence of autocratic, right-of-center Presidential candidates and a puppet Supreme Court seemingly hostile, or at very least oblivious to, individual rights. Furthermore they are not convinced that television talk shows offer the best exposure for documents as well as candidates.

“We’ve also made gestures toward Jimmy Kimmel and Stephen Colbert, in case we need them too,” said Mel Toole, of the Civil Cheveres Union. Toole’s great-great-grandfather (T. Wright Toole) was invited to sign the Declaration of Independence and several other earth-shattering bills of the day but his alleged preoccupation with boozing, gambling and womanizing always created “irreconcilable conflicts.

“Mostly he signed bar tabs and IOUs,” spat Toole

“He did manage to sign a scorecard during the Whiskey Insurrection of 1794,” offered Tool. “Later in 1801 he signed the controversial Victoria Regia Ordinance which allowed Amazon maidens to compete in interscholastic athletics.”

Joining the Constitution and Bill of Rights on the talk show circuit will be The Code of Hammurabi, The Indian Vedas, The Torah, and the Magna Carta Dancers.

  -H.L. Menoken

Arkansas Senator Denies the Existence of Oklahoma

Senator Tom Cotton of Arkansas denies existence of Oklahoma and he’s not sure about Texas. Calling human-driven climate change as a hoax was the primary denial but now he has expanded his personal enlightenment. Due to GOP victory the honorable senator to chair Committee on Environment and Public Works. A solid Trump supporter, Cotton Tom insists the US has the right to attack Venezuelan drug boats – even if all they have on board is aspirin. Blow them and their commie tuna boats back to Cuba he reportedly said without the help of his GPS.

Heaven and Hell Close to Prisoner Exchange

(Purgatory) Eternal powers, Paradise and Hades, have released a preliminary announcement detailing a likely prisoner exchange slated for November. The swap, taking most celestial watchdogs by surprise, is the first arrangement of this type in 1200 years.

On the heels of an announcement, heavenly players insist that some souls were mistakenly sent to hell and should not spend eternity there. Sources in hell, reluctant to release anyone enrolled in day labor or engaged in plea bargains, were mute on any specific developments saying only “something is in the wind”.

What heaven will do with a cult of once-indicted sinners and what hell might project as the future of former empyreal beings is not clear according to persons familiar with these events. Already “transfer souls” are bivouacked near the welcome stations of both afterlife precincts. Traditionalists call the reputed move cult-driven and question how the souls could be traded since they are invisible and often not responsive to earthly prodding.

“Deporting souls once accepted at the Pearly Gates will not go over well,” said one theologian. “Just when you thought you had it knocked they tell you you’re going downstairs. Frankly I am surprised that there has not been much resistance in heaven considering the desperate state of affairs. Maybe they don’t believe it will culminate in a realignment at all.”

The last night in hell should be a knock down, drag out celebration for the damned who are headed for an eternity of peace and joy. The effected  souls will have little time to readjust to the realities of both eternal destinations say proponents of the exchange. Hell has it’s high points and Heaven is no picnic. No, angels on both sides of the barricades will not be part of the controversial swap.

“Talk about being stuck in Limbo…I guess it’s either puffy clouds or pitchforks?”, said one consecrated source.

-Fred Zeppelin

MIGHTY PACK RAT SAVES UTAH FAMILY FROM FIRE

(Ticaboo) A powerful packrat, allegedly super-charged by constant exposure to hybrid pest repellent, is credited with saving an Utah family from an all-consuming blaze that destroyed their house and barn last night.

The nocturnal rodent, an enthusiastic participant in communal living, apparently discovered the fire in the cellar of one of the dwellings and alerted the family who fled before the flames reached the first floor.

“Adrenaline was definitely in play,” said one local deputy. “This rat pulled steel beams, pushed through a crumbling retaining wall and chewed a hole in the roof to relieve smoke damage all while scurrying below the smoke and certain asphyxiation. We have pictures from the structure’s security system. I know it sound stupid but that rat was some kind of body builder, he frowned.

“We don’t know how this loving rescue will affect the status of the hated pack rat in rural environs,”added a fireman on the scene. “These gnawing bastards have had a public relations problem since the Plague and before.”

It was not known if the family and the rat knew each other.

-Suzie Compost

Friends of Earwigs Given Charter Here

(Montrose) The national lobbyist contingent Friends of Earwigs has been granted a 100 year charter here it was announced yesterday. The insect advocate group, known for protecting cockroaches, dust mites, wood ticks and deer flies all over the Rockies, plans an open house in September so as to explain its position.

     “Earwigs are harmless, cute, even beneficial and can make great pets,” says Melvin O’Toole, president of the local chapter. “They eat next to nothing, are for the most part non-drinkers, don’t need much exercise and, if you go out of town for a week or so they can get on nicely without you.”

     According to the group inborn fears of earwigs crawling up into the inner ear of humans and laying eggs is nothing but evil slander.

     “Cases of infestation are as rare as wolf attacks. People just need enemies and don’t care for animals species that scurry away when one discovers them under a rock or turns on the lights,” he said.

     Along with earwigs the executive committee is considering the inclusion of box elders and fleas on their stepped-on endangered species list.

     “We’ve got lost of needy box elders but we’d probably have to import fleas to the high country to protect them,” stressed O’ Toole.

     An Adopt-an-Earwig campaign is expected by next summer.

Making fun of lepers in bad taste

Editorial

THE RIGHT TOOL FOR THE RIGHT JOB

     Hey, I like a good laugh as well as the next guy but making sport of lepers goes too far. Just the other day we witnessed this kind of abuse with a rock throwing incident in one of our National Forests where lepers had camped for the night. Sure, you may not want to camp near them but there is no call for violence. This is ugly. What will these lepers tell their friends back home about their vacation in Colorado?

The refusal of one visitor to rent a jeep after it had been used by a leper is nothing short of  malicious and reprehensible. Name calling, metaphorical and otherwise, is inexcusable.

Granted, we do not have a sizable leper population but the ones we do have should be respected, if not whole-heartedly cherished.

Don’t these people have enough with which to contend without insult and injury hurled from fellow humans? Bigotry aimed at these unfortunates is ignorant and hateful. It is the offspring of misunderstandings and fears generated by parents, schools and society as a whole. Like it or not, lepers are just like you and I and deserve a break. After all they don’t generally create problems. Most hide out from the sunshine in black timber redoubts far away from the threats of the modern populace. Most love their dogs. Most pay taxes. Most are not to blame for their condition.

Now we’re not suggesting you sleep with one or share toothbrushes but at least allow them to breathe the air, smell the roses, wash their raggedy clothing in streams and rivers and live out their pathetic lives. A cure for leprosy, but not stupidity, is right around the corner.

– Kashmir Horseshoe

For a related news piece see “Kennedy bans leper vaccine then rescinds then bans it again” on Oval Jovial