All Entries in the "Reflections on Disorder" Category
GAELTACHT
Driving left of logic
on that misty roundabout
leftover from the merry-go-rounds of before.
four-corpse fried breakfast
riding shotgun until tea.
It’s one regular Celt cult over here
splashed Eire green,
beaches of pebbled priorities.
Ages of breaths taken, then released along the boreen.
Blood rolling chimes off lips
brandished by the paths of armies
melting mythologies dispatched
by vigilant moss, glued to sea breezes.
Harbors cracked by crashing waves
judged too soon by Cranberry Druids,
land of emigrant departures.
Fenian convicts on the Celtic Sea.
Endless red columns
stopped in tight tracks
by angry fir with pikes,
potato plows and mad stars
against British artillery.
And the lough came into the sitting room
for his afternoon tea.
Boatloads of vanquished Blasket Islanders
swimmers in a fishless ocean
drift toward the rocky An Daingean
victims of the westerly isles.
Paddy’s last name is O’Flaherty
It’s common enough, not a rarity
His whiskey pot still a crisp parity.
A wee ‘nother shot gives it clarity.
Where they still speak it
in out of the rain
telling the tale
in careful ancient words.
CLASS OF ‘14 VOTED MOST LIKELY TO SECEDE
(Redvale) The Norwood High School class of 2014 has voted itself Most Likely to Secede, according to a copyright story in the Norwood Post. The class, numbering between 15 and larger than a bread box, will graduate sometime in June.
This development is rather distressing,” said Evelyn Broomgarden, assistant to the principal’s assisting assistant at NHS. “We had hoped for a smooth transfer of classes this year. I for one think the whole matter is the result of a few mavericks and that most of the kids don’t want to secede from anything.”
State authorities, quick to confirm an official position: that local schools were not top heavy with administrators, were in town Friday in an attempt to determine just what the students want to secede from and why.
“If it’s just the county that they want to withdraw from then we’ll let the county take the appropriate action,” explained Robbin Rubens, special investigator attached to the governor’s office of Secondary Seclusion, Secrecy and Scenery.
“If its the United States the kids want to get away from, then we’ll call in the feds. If it’s the state, then I am here to tell you that it will never work. Where ya gonna go? Utah?”
It has become common knowledge that a vague yet sophisticated network of adolescent subversion has existed within the hallowed halls of Norwood High School since the mid-Sixties when students first demanded that a new country be established with Norwood, protected by moats on three sides and the Nucla Fussiliers as the natural capital. Rubens thinks this recent display of what he calls “high treason” is no more than a flexing of the muscles.
“What do they want to do, establish a monarchy with the prom king and queen on the throne?” quipped Rubens. “It didn’t work in this country for George VI and it won’t work for these punks either. The next thing you know they’ll be burning books on the lawn.”
School may be canceled for the next few weeks so that state officials can conduct a thorough investigation without a lot of students snooping around. – Small Mouth Bess
RESURGENCE OF ELK TIPPING BLAMED ON ALCOHOL ABUSE
(Ridgway UPS) It happens more often than not. A tranquil cow elk is charged by a gang of inebriated pranksters. She ends up horizontal. Another night we see a bull sprawled out like a common throw rug after such an brutal attack. We watch as humans crash their bodies into the sides of unsuspecting elk intent on slamming the animals rudely to the ground. What is psycho-social meaning and purpose of such an atrocity?
It’s called elk tipping and is different from the more accepted sport of cow tipping in that one substitutes a larger, often more aggressive elk for the normally docile moo-cow. The preferred results are the same with one addition: The more agrarian cow handles the stress of tipping much easier than the warrior prototype elk who often turns to the bottle to escape this sordid reality.
According to an unpublished report alcoholism is up a rowdy 35% within the elk ranks in Colorado. Of corpse this takes into account the seasonal jump (10%) of all kinds of substance abuse brought about by the presence of hunters in the woods. However the savage sport of tipping has added another 25% to the already gruesome figures. Sociable scientists are now asking the question: How much more can these animals take?
Law enforcement officials are reluctant to prosecute elk tippers unless they are drinking and driving. They say they are already far too busy enforcing the laws on the books without getting off on this potentially explosive tangent. Therefore the question remains: What will we do about elk tipping. As we journey toward the end of the reason
Continued in the morning
ON THE ROAD TO GOOD HEALTH
Dutch Elmo of Irwin breaks trail before dinner
By Doctor Nick “Barnstorm” Moneypenny
SIMPLE AND QUICK HOME EXERCISE FOR MOUNTAIN FOLK
Hello again and welcome to everyone who’s got a leg up on this winter business. Today we will focus on some of the more innovative approaches to basic daily exercise. Many of the devices featured in this article are custom-made for people who reside in our high country. Included will be calisthenics and isometric exercises aimed at firming up physiques that have been beaten up a bit by colder weather and lack of accessibility to summer workout patterns.
Without a doubt my favorite new gizmo is the ICY STAIRMASTER. This conceptual breakthrough allows for the optimum workout, while honing basic survival instincts conducive to mountain living. Produced by Zen Crafters, the Icy Stairmaster works the thighs down to tough-as-nails floss and teaches piqued balance techniques. And it comes with its own water for those of you who find themselves privy disadvantaged.
Rare photo of Jack (of Jack’s Cabin fame) working out those ski legs before making his daily homage to town on glass boards, fighting off carnivorous herd animals along his merry way.
Another effective way to blend daily chores with a regular sweat session is by embracing the Cotton Harris Ankle Weight System. This ultra-edge addition to your wardrobe allows the user to perform a variety of beneficial tasks with a few laps around the block. Other leg improvement devices include the STATIONARY MOUNTAIN BIKE and the FOUR-WHEEL- DRIVE PLATE JUGGLER, radically designed for people who live in small cabins and do not have a proper dining room ensemble. The Stationary Mountain Bike works well when set up with a nice view while the plate juggler is easily stored under the couch, along with accumulated crumbs, creeping dog hair and discarded eating utensils.
And have you seriously considered your presence this summer? There is no excuse for flab with your personal CELLULAR PHONE JOGGING COUNTER. Since the phone is mobile it allows the runner free reign. One can run to the Pacific Northwest one day and Southern Alabama the next without missing any calls. A miniature FAX JOGING COUNTER is on the drawing board and, according to unreliable sources in the tech hype industry, will be hitting the market by spring.
Still yet another great method for combining occupational responsibilities with exercise are SOLOFLEX STEERING WHEEL WEIGHTS, which adapt easily to any driving apparatus, or rpm to wheel ratio. Especially functional during traffic jams and expressions of road rage.
For the winter outdoors enthusiast we can’t help suggesting Syd’s SNOWPLOW TUG-O-WAR TOW BAR STRAP. Although the user will rarely win, the tension creates beneficial stress that will soon be defined by massive muscle growth everywhere but between the ears. Another concept, an indoor one, for the person looking for light repetitions is the incomparable PINE CONE BICEPS CURL TRACKER which is excellent preparation for frisbee, hacky-sack or other non-contact summer sports.
Want to mix your workout with the kinky local scene? Try some weighted wrist straps, popular with creative lovers and crap throwers in training too…and they’re dishwasher safe!
Sally Sabarieux, late of parrot City and Gladstone, shakes her money maker in full Victorian regalia. After cooking for 17, sewing, cleaning, child-rearing, farming, chopping firewood, washing clothes, repairing curtains, building furniture and changing the oil on the family’s henway she damn sure needed a workout, heh?
But keep that chin up and the weight down with UNEMPLOYMENT ISOMETRICS. Exercises that can be done at the spur of the moment, standing in line, sitting on metal chairs, anywhere where there are walls and ceilings.
If we may suggest an anthology which might round these matters up like a sturdy cow pen read Sit-Ups and Shots, the newest offering from whirled clasped libretto gymnast, Racko Gaar Poterpes, Olympic gin runner and former President of Fort Lewis College. To quote Porepes: “We have found that the motivational benefits intrinsic to a simple sit-up, followed by a shot of one’s favorite beverage can be alarming.”
Next time we’ll discuss the advantages of a daily routine interspersing COUNTRYCIZE pop tunes and JACUZZI HYDRO-ROWING MANIPULATORS, crisply revisiting the early strains of the cowboy surfing music rage.
Snowboarder Collides with Blimp
(Crested Butte) An insurgent snowboarder sustained slight injuries today after crashing into the famous Goodyear Blimp high above town.
According to unreliable but amusing ski patrol sources the snowboarder lost control while “negotiating the totally hairy Macadamian Grunge Spinal Sequence at about 3 in the afternoon”. Missing his reentry coordinates by inches due to early ice buildup, the shredder was hurled through immediate space, slamming hard into the right side of the blimp.
The airship was present in local skies to monitor weather patterns, validate USFS drone use and to support law enforcement in its attempts to arrest everyone. Until this morning it had been disguised as a large prune so as not to alarm the local, mega-superstitious tribes that reside here in smoky river redoubts and burgeoning lice cave bivouacs.
“The blimp is fine and the kid would have been OK too if he hadn’t insisted on returning to earth,” snickered a patrolman below the scene. “Gravity can be nasty business.”
The snowboarder, here on vacation from Gunnison, called it his best day ever on the mountain. Still unidentified, he had cut afternoon classes at Western and hitched to the Butte.
“They don’t teach you about these kinds of experiences in physics class,” said the snowboarder.
According to spatial experts the chances of the wreck were all but mathematically impossible.
This episode marks yet another bizarre accident on the slopes this year. Why just last week second gnome owner and Oklahoma skier, Jimmy Jeff Gland ran head-on into a cow elk on East River Lift. Both survived despite a childish fistfight that broke out between macho lift operators and a herd of irritated bull elk that had arrived on the scene. Back in December Bebel Mateus, an attractive, exotic dancer/skier from Rio, was reportedly snatched from the Paradise Headwall (just as the lifts closed for the day) by dark, murky beings thought to be aliens from another galaxy or something.
– Fred Zeppelin
Aliens to gain legal status through jury duty
(El Lay) Immigrants of various genres can gain quick citizenship by performing jury duty according to the department of Naturalization and Meltdown officials here. The alpha program has been approved by the Congress, after a slight filibuster by House GOP stalwarts, and signed into law by the President so as to avoid a shutdown of the legal system.
“The Congress was anxious to get on with vacation and Barack, caught off guard by the non-partisan action, signed it as part of a compromise aimed at implementing a host of future free trade fantasies generated from White House.
Proponents of the action say that most Americans would rather take a beating than sit on a jury. The new arrangement not only fills this void but allows aliens a new path to citizenship and a chance to gain respect in their new country.
Critics insist it is just another way to avoid the responsibilities of Democracy.
“It’s like buying your way out of military service or sending someone else to the ballot box to do one’s bidding,” said a representative from Louisiana who voted against the measure.
Sponsors of the legislation say that the access to legal codes and procedures helps new arrivals assimilate faster. They agree that language barriers would have to be overcome and a redefining of what constitutes a peer group might need revamping. For the first few months sign language will be implemented, then translators next to the court reporters.
“The immigrant seeks acceptance,” said one senator that favors the changes. “We feel that the presence of warm bodies in the jury is better than no jury at all. At least it looks better than empty seats. Let’s face the facts for a change. Do we want a jury of malcontents playing with their cell phones or a jury of frightened immigrants intent on making it in a new culture?”
The senator went on to say that she favors trading deadbeat Americans for motivated immigrants any day of the week.
“Many Americans have lost sight of what made the country in the first place. They think they are owed something for nothing,” she explained. “I assure you,” she smiled, “immigrants do not fall into this category. The continued rise in no-shows has the legal community baffled. Despite threats of fines and even jail time many of us see jury duty as inconvenience rather than a right and responsibility. If you were on trial wouldn’t you want a jury of attentive and motivated peers?” she asked.
Often prospective jurors see a loss of income this justice for all business. Although employees are generally compensated the self-employed are not. Contrary to most current theories the unemployed often see jury duty as a chance to get out and do something. They see the stipend as a way to buy lunch for the day. It appears to boil down to a lackl
uster populace shirking its duty while new arrivals are anxious to prove their worth.
Meanwhile critics, who offer no other viable solution to the void, continue to paint a picture of ethnic and cultural chaos if aliens are brought into the courtroom at this capacity. They fear that the definitions applied here might invite participation by far more exotic and bizarre aliens from other planets, stars and galaxies yet to be discovered.
“Imagine a jury made up of people from Mexico and Mars!” said a representative from Arizona, knuckles one with the pavement. “We don’t like it. We prefer to ignore the problems and embrace fairy tale endings on social issues.”
One particularly vocal senator slammed the negative impacts of floundering while the system caves in from its own imbalances.
“I’ve seen every episode of Star Trek 15 times and have read the Martian Chronicles twice,” he said. “My brother was involved in the Apollo Mission from the outset and my dad was big into telescopes and experimental kites back in the Fifties. We should begin looking at all these alien types as resources and not threats. I myself have had numerous brushes with astral travel so don’t get cosmic with me in this chamber!”
– Sergio Jingles
