All Entries in the "Reflections on Disorder" Category
Catch and Mute Program off to Slow Start
Ravens Declared Nuisance by Council
(Ouray) The local city council took action this evening to limit noise-making capacities of resident ravens. A new, albeit controversial plan kicked off this week, calls for a catching the birds and surgically muting them.
Citing noisy crows that they say are “pests and have all but run songbirds out of town”, members favoring the action say their plan is both humanitarian and effective. The procedure, according to a local biologist, on loan from the BLM, is painless and the animal recovers quickly and quietly in a few days.
The present population of ravens within a three-square mile radius of Ouray is estimated to be 100,000, with the largest weighing in at nearly 80 pounds. As far as it is known none have as yet undergone the supposedly painless surgery. Attacks on humans are rare but mounting.
People here may observe large bird nets dangling off the sides of familiar town vehicles. The concept is for town crews to catch the ravens and bring them back to city hall for the actual surgery…that is when and if they successfully catch one of the feathered perpetrators.
The biologist, who told an audience of concerned citizens that raven communication was performed primarily by moving the eyebrows and twitching the tail, addressed criticism suggesting that the birds would no longer be able to communicate. Serious mating rituals emanate from wing movement, beak levels, feather ruffles and strutting about, even circling romantic prey, she said.
“All the jive, the caws and the screeches are for show,” laughed the animal behaviorist. “They don’t mean anything. It’s pretty much the same as with people. Lots of worthless chatter aimed at nothing. They take joy in hearing themselves, especially when the acoustics are right.”
The biologist, who favors the Catch and Mute Program, said that all the early morning yapping and scattered disruptions throughout the day were probably “fun” for the ravens.
Critics of the official capturing scam say the ravens have been in Ouray longer than most of the residents who they add are simply jealous because the ravens can fly and they cannot. They add that, with the exception of a little crow shit these birds have a minimal carbon footprint and do not tax social services or impact parking facilities in summer.
“We oppose this plan on principle,” said one angry resident who has just returned from the winter in California. “These birds have rights. If this goes down what will become of the deer, the fruit bats, the marmots and the alley bear?”
Another local reminded both sides in the dispute that at least the ravens terminate their circus after dusk and were not a bother again till early morning. She went on to offer another plan that calls for the reintroduction and nurturing of traditional predators that enjoy eating crow.
“Japanese Snow Monkeys (macaques) could thrive in the San Juans,” she said, “and to them raven meat is a delicacy. We already have plenty of yetis roaming around the backcountry. Why couldn’t they be educated as to the benefits of lean raven meat introduced to their rough, Spartan diet?”
One frustrated councilperson expressed concern that the entire episode might get out of hand before it ever gets going. Attempts to bait the birds have failed since no one is quite sure what the ravens like to eat.
“Yesterday was the first day we sent crews out bird snatching and they didn’t catch anything. This is not as easy as it may look. They go up into the trees when approached. It’s not good for morale. So far today it’s much of the same even with the addition of management on the scene,” she said. “Once we catch one of the bastards we can move into phase two of the operation. I’m just glad it ain’t hummingbirds that we’re after.”
– Fred Zeppelin
Worst Cup of Coffee Eludes Slope Group
(Bland Valley) A quasi-political wing of the outlawed Club Zero continues to pursue the Worst Cup of Coffee on the Western Slope, a fleeting endeavor that critics say has little significance and even less substance.
The aversive accolade, citing the most terrible hot beverage status, is based on taste, texture, color and digestive capabilities. One of the least coveted culinary awards, it was established to give special recognition to those who disregard or neglect savor in presentation. Participation is limited to restaurants and hotels.
After several weeks of balloting there have been only three valid entries, two from a cafe in Mack, Colorado and the other from Chemo-Corp, owner and operator of Hot Breakfast Food Processing which manufactures 60% of the complimentary breakfasts offered in motels in the region.
If the vote were taken today Grady’s Gravy Heaven, in downtown Mack, would win thumbs up even though the electoral turnout has been sparse.
“The recycled toothpick-beehive hair cuisine offered has been the subject of health departments since the 50s,” said one Rifle food writer, “yet the doors remain open. Proprietors have admitted to serving coffee made last week along with its flagship meat specials, hermetically sealed in authentic airline cellophane. What a place to bring your friends from out of town!”
“People are too busy this time of the year to concern themselves with quality,” said one Club Zero officer. “Many would not recognize the difference between gourmet brews and dirty dish water.”
In response to the low turnout the sponsors of the contest have extended the deadline through December, with a cash prize supplement. Entries from the household sector will not be accepted although organizers say that they are considering the addition of this category in 2014. Anyone nominating an entity will automatically receive a 4-piece mixed set of stained imitation china cups in the mail.
Employees of corporate coffee interests are not eligible for prizes.
Dark Timber camping spot
Dark Timber on the West Fork near Owl Creek Pass
Viagra Opens Electric Garage Door for Ash Mesa Man
(Delta) Ben Almonne used to have trouble with his automatic garage door, which refused to respond to his remote device in the car or even brute force exerted vertically by the 250-pound man.
That was before he started popping a few Viagra.
“Now all I have to do is stand there and the garage goes up smoothly without further incident,” he laughed. “I never expected this.”
Although several physicians remain skeptical Almonne has showcased his newly acquire talent for friends and local authorities who confirmed that Almonne had no tricks up his sleeve, or down his pants for that matter.
“It was really quite astounding,” quipped one neighbor. “I always saw Ben as a milquetoast, a wimp, but now he’s taken on a whole new presence. My garage door works great but if it ever malfunctions you can damn sure bet I’ll be talking to my doctor.”
Leaders in Delta County are expected to inspect the entire sideshow next week in hopes of determining some course of action.
“We can’t have people opening garage doors this way,” said one councilperson. “What will the neighbors say?”
Unreliable sources in the shadow of Grand Mesa say civic sources are at odds over whether to laud Almonne as a pioneer in drug technology or burn him at the stake. – Sergio D. Jingles
