All Entries in the "Reflections on Disorder" Category
Birdman Held
(Ouray, CO September 25, 2014) A local man was arrested today after police discovered that he had been using the San Juan Horseshoe to line birdcages in his college aviary.
Rolf Schmidt, a 68-year-old native of Bavaria had no comment at the preliminary hearing, staring in disbelief as to the proceedings. The judge did not set bail and the criminal was carted off to a cold, dark cell to await his trial date, sometime in December or January.
If indicted Schmidt could spend up to 20 years hard time.
Detectives confirmed that this was no isolated incident and that Schmidt has been committing these degradations for years. It was apparent on the scene that he had not changed issues/liners since last year.
“This was a disgusting case of yellow journalism if I have ever seen one,” said an arresting officer.
The birds involved, two parrots and a magpie will undergo physical and psychological tests to determine what damage may have occurred from the close proximity to the newspaper’s content. If any are found to be damaged Schmidt could do another 10 to 15 concurrently.
Legal precedent was established back in 1977 when then associate editor James “Jimmy” Olsen was sentenced to life in prison for using a copy of the tabloid to shine his penny loafers. Olsen only served three days because of prison overcrowding and slick maneuvers on the part of his attorney who insisted that since Olsen was not a real person he should not do real time.
Capital Idea!
“300 Men in the state of Tennessee
All waitin’ to die
won’t ever be free.
I ain’t hurtin’ nobody.
I ain’t hurtin no one.”
-John Prine
“If this is how Queen Victoria treats her convicts she doesn’t deserve to have any.”
– Oscar Wilde, while waiting to be transported to prison.
The time is March 15, 2084. Although primitive, the practice of public hangings has finally flexed its way back into the spotlight. Due to judicial system that now demands a quick response by judge and jury, there is a no nonsense nip to the air at courthouses from Presque Isle to Chugla Vista. Subsequently, there is very little violent crime in the United States. Hangings are rare, but well attended by the citizenry. People drag their kids just like was the tradition 200 years prior.
Back then, in Telluride, Colorado a double-hanging was to be performed at the expense of one Martin “Scar Tissue” McMorris, a twice-convicted, once-caught murderer of low degree. Joining McMorris on the evening’s dance card was local panhandler, Slow Sammy Esto, who had cleverly enough shot an off-duty deputy at a poker table, in front of dozens of witnesses to boot.
Although the San Juans were wild and most everyone toated six-guns, there were really surprisingly few incidents, considering the robust lifestyle. Civilization was arriving by the ore bucket. Hangings remained popular. The town appoointed a committee to see that the event was handled on the up and up. First was the matter of invitations.
According to Salida Community College historian, the late, great Dr. G. Edward Quillbark “It was an honor to be invited to a hanging. First the town fathers would invite each other and then the ladies’ auxilary to the town fathers would invite themselves too. After that a few minor dignitaries, concessionaires and the merchant class would be notified. Then, moments before the big moment, the great unwashed would be herded into the town square (adjacent to the Sheridan, the town’s finest hotel which, incidently, featured a Saturday Night bath for 50 cents.)
In Telluride it was no different. All of the invited guests were encouraged to attend and bring their children as well as sociopathic livestock. The drama of a lynching was thought to be an effective deterent to crime of the aggravated nature. Failure to attend often brought rebuke. Despite the chronic lack of buggy parking on Colorado Avenue most of the town’s population made at least a cameo appearance.
In October of 1891 an unidentified Moab couple brought each one of their 14 living children to a regional hanging near Paradox. All were reportedly impressed with the expediency displayed at the affair and said the pot luck was above average as well.
Quillbark continues on the subject of percieved deterent: “After the hangings of John Hunt and his dandy, half-brother Michael, pilfering at the candy store dropped almost in half. Many citizens, including the local marshal and the storekeeper himself, attribute the decrease to that punitive action. The youngsters in the town had no comment.
Sadly, the practice of public execution gradually lost face, yielding to a society that would preferred to engage in massive wars and slaughter itself on asphalt highways than worry about calculated paybacks. By the Great Depression one had to go a long way to find a decent public hanging, even in the cities. During World War II everyone was too busy conceptualizing, constructing and delivering bombs to see the hanging circuit as important anymore. Interest fell sharply in the Fifties and then the Sixties arrived, still wet behind the ears on the subject of terrible swift swords, an eye for an eye and the like. Politicians and cops pledged to fight crime through the Seventies and Eighties with little success as the streets became war zones. With the prisons filled to capacity a new industry emerged, that of prison building. In the Nineties the situation reached a breaking point as liberals screamed for gun control and conservatives called for stiffer penalties. After the Millennium the camps grew larger and the people more separated by fabricated issues. The rest of the population stockpiled ammunition.
One sunny day, in the spring 2014, it became apparent that the only place crime was being fought successfully was on television…It was different. The cops caught everyone, often in less than an hour. The guilty culprits never got out of jail, people felt safe again. The good guys always won — the bad guys always got their just desserts. There were no nervous Barney Fife’s adorned in full battle gear, waiting outside of bars, hoping to catch an Otis or two in flight.
People began to ask the question: Why is crime under control on TV but not on the outside of their bedroom window? Politicians were forced to act and many looked to the private sector for the answer. Emerging shoulders above the rest was a small New Jersey corporation, Garden State Rendering and Liquidations, run by a Howard Tarten, a man, although ravaged by Tuburculosis and rampant dyptheria, who had spent a lifetime studying gallow etiquette. His logical solution to the problem of crime: Televised Lynchings.
“The business of public execution made an incredible recovery with the introduction of Tarten’s techniques,” says Quillbark, himself a stockholder in one of Garden State’s first enterprises, Capital Cable Ltd.. This very secretive cable system specialized in producing public executions of all types for television. Soon it rivalled MTV for the loyalty of the nation’s youth.”
Armed to the teeth with the catchy slogan “Get crime off the streets and into your living room”, Capital Cable reported record profits in its first year while becoming the darling of the Right. The viewing public was placated.
Tonight’s hanging is brought to you by Geze Bindings, Spam, The North American Hemp Growers Institute and your local state corrections bureau….
Kevin Haley, a self-proclaimed sensitive male for the ages lives in Colona where he raises dust and publishes the San Juan Horseshoe. He often breaks pop bottles on the highway and eats breakfast while in the bathtub.
TV Dinners Preserved in Idarado Tunnels
(Red Mountain) Skeleton crews monitoring activity underground have discovered a large cache of TV dinners stored far below the rocky surface here. Stashed in the mine’s miles of tunnels, the self-contained fare is believed to have been left their by retreating workers when the mine closed down in 1978.
“Although not particularly astounding, the find indicates that TV dinners might survive for years even centuries in a controlled environment,” said Marcia Mollyore, head of Gentle Geology, a local firm. “Prior to this disclosure we thought Velveta cheese and Spam were the most sustainable substances yet invented. The importance herein is the alteration in thinking, the modification of philosophies on the classic shelf lives of what we consume.”
Despite the discovery Mollyore confirmed that she would continue embracing a strict diet of chicken livers, red lettuce and diet soda in hopes of achieving immortality.
“What may be important now is the glimpse of eating habits that this has afforded us. With a little luck we can put together another piece of the puzzle as to preferred foods of the 20th Century.”
Mollyore went on to explain that geologists had grown to accept that miners carried pie cans filled with sandwiches and hardboiled eggs and drank black coffee. Mounds of carefully chronicled statistics on the subject will have to be destroyed she said so as to make room for new data.
“Our thinking has been wrong…wrong…wrong!” explained a now visibly upset Mollyore. “How could we have been so stupid with the truth lurking at our fingertips, just below ground all this time!”
Further snooping has begun to indicate that miners may have had primitive heating methodology as well as access to a wide selection of tools as well as random television reception in narrow shafts and doghouses way down below. – Gabby Haze
MANY CHEFS UNCERTIFIED
(Crested Butte) Residents and visitors alike were shocked by news that many of the region’s chefs were not certified. The status, which could severely impair future culinary endeavors, is particularly acute in ski towns say experts.
This problem is often exasperated by the need to staff seasonal kitchens. Although this position rarely affects food quality or creativity it seriously limits the structural implications of the pecking order and could lead to a breakdown of the industry as a whole.
The cost of certification is $350 per year ($400 with Wyoming and Utah included). The complete course can be digested by email and the final testing concluded in two hours on any number of Saturday morning sessions offered by the licensing agency. Interested parties are instructed to send the money before the end of the year to insure uninterrupted production. There is a slight discount for groups of over 3.
“We’d like to see some of our younger chefs take advantage of the blanket amnesty and upgrade before deadlines imposed by cooking magazines and food purveyors,” said sources within the Colorado Health Department and the FBI.
“We realize that there will always be chefs out there that want to buck the system but we firmly believe that without perimeters and guidelines the whole profession could turn into one big anarchy pie.
They are always looking for good cooks in jail,” said the enforcing parties. Wolfgang Putz
“The best place to see God is outside, in the garden. You can dig for him there.”
– George Bernard Shaw
“Sure, there were several wise women in the Irish Channel, who seem to have been combination seers and midwives in most cases. Then there was a witch man named Buddy Lolliger who possessed the disagreeable ability to cause an automobile wreck merely by wishing it would happen.”
– descriptions of the Irish Channel in the 1940s
from Gumbo Ya-Ya
The Tribune Primer
Excerpts from a parody primer, which appeared first in the Denver Tribune (1882) and were later published in book form. This was Field’s first book
The Editor’s Home
Here is a Castle. It is the Home of an Editor. It has stained Glass windows and Mahogany stairways. In front of the Castle is a Park. Is it not Sweet? The lady in the Park is the editor’s wife. She wears a Costly robe of Velvet trimmed with Gold Lace, and there are Pearls and Rubies in her Hair. The editor sits on the front Stoop smoking an Havana Cigar. His little Children are playing with Diamond Marbles on the Tesselated Floor. The editor can afford to Live in Style. He gets Seventy-Five Dollars a month in Wages.
The Bad Man
Here is a Man who has just Stopped his Paper. What a Miserable looking Creature he is. He looks as if he had been stealing Sheep. How will he Know what is going on, now that he has Stopped his Paper? He will Borrow his Neighbor’s Paper? One of these Days he will Break his leg, or be a Candidate for Office, and then the Paper will Say Nothing about it. That will be treating him just Right, will it not, little Children?
The Oyster
Here we have an Oyster. It is going to a Church Fair. When it Gets to the Fair, it will Swim around in a big Kettle of Warm Water. A Lady will Stir it with a Spoon, and sell the Warm Water for Forth Cents a pint. Then the Oyster will move on to the next fair. In this Way, the Oyster will visit all the Church Fairs in Town, and Bring a great many Dollars into the Church Treasury. The Oyster goes a great Way in a good cause.
The Unfortunate Mousie
Poor little Mouse! He got into the Flour Barrel and Made Himself Dead. The Cook baked him in a Loaf of Bread, and here he lies on the Table cut in two by the Sharp bread Knife. But we will no Eat poor Mouse. We will eat the Bread, but we will Take the Mousie and Put him in the Cistern.
The Coal Hod
Oh, how nice and Black the Coal-Hod is! Run, children, Run quick and put your Little Fat hands in it. Mercy me, your Hands are as Black as the Coal-Hod now! Hark! Mamma is Coming. She will spank you when she Finds your Hands so Dirty. Better go and Rub the Black Dirt off on the Wall Paper before she Comes.
Mamma’s Scissors
These are Mamma’s Scissors. They do not Seem to be in good Health. Well, they are a little Aged. They have considerable Work to Do. Mamma uses them to Chop Kindling, cut Stove Pipe, pull Tacks, drive Nails, cut the children’s Hair, punch new Holes in the Calendar, slice Bar soap, pound beef Steak, open tomato Cans, Shear the New Foundland dog and cut out her New Silk Dress. Why doesn’t Papa get Mamma a new Pair of Scissors? You should not Ask such a Naughty question. Papa cannot Afford to Play Billiards and Indulge his Extravagant Family in the Luxuries of Life.
The Bottle
This is a bottle. What is in the Bottle? Very bad Whiskey. It has been Sent to the Local Editor. He did not Buy it. If he had Bought it the Whiskey would have been Poorer than it is. Little children, you Must never Drink Bad Whiskey.
The Hash
It is a Chignon? No, it is a Plate of Hash. But where are the Brush and Comb. We cannot serve the Hash unless we have a brush and Comb. The Comb is in the Butter, and the Baby has put the Brush in the Coffee-Pot. Don’t Cry, Children, we will Give you some nice Molasses with Pretty, green Flies in it.
The Mud
The Mud is in the street. The Lady has on a pair of Red Stockings. She is Trying to Cross the Street. Let us all give Three cheers for the Mud.
The Wasp
See the Wasp. He has pretty yellow Stripes around his Body, and a Darning Needle in his Tail. If you Will Pat the Wasp upon the Tail, we will Give You a Nice Picture Book.
The Business Manager
Here we Have a Business Manager. He is Blowing about the Circulation of the Paper. He is Saying the Paper has Entered upon an Era of Unprecedented Prosperity. In a Minute he will Go up Stairs and Chide the Editor for leaving his Gas Burning while he Went out for a Drink of Water, and he will dock a Reporter Four Dollars because a Subscriber has Licked him and he cannot Work. Little Children, if we Believed Business Managers went to Heaven, we would Give up our Pew in Church.
The Concentrated Lye
What a Pretty Can it is. What do you Suppose is in the Can? Open it and see. Goodness me, it is a Concentrated Lye! How Nice! Are you not Glad? Let us eat it. Taste it and See how Warm it is. If you will Eat it you will not Want anything More to Eat For a Long Time. – Eugene Fields
Child-Proof Condoms Approved by Feds
Doctors at St Roscoe’s Community Clinic say that a host of federal agencies have given final approval to a new breed of child-proof condoms that are set for release this week. The breakthrough product is expected to revolutionize irresponsible sex and could be a major export by the end of the year.
The OK came despite the rantings of consumer groups which say the condoms are still often too difficult to negotiate in the dark. One proponent of the commodity praised “the progressive nature of these developments” adding that it was about time we did something to protect our children from potentially dangerous technology and from adults in general.
The safer condoms are expected to be available in drugstores and groceries soon. They will be packaged in discreet brown paper so as to not cause suspicion. Buyers should expect to show appropriate identification upon purchase.
IRS OFFERS MONEY BACK GUARANTEE
If you are not happy about the way the federal gov’ment is spending your tax dollars you could qualify for a full refund, no questions asked. That, according to an unreliable source at the Internal Revenue Service, represents the most drastic tax reform seen in this country since the whole mess started. (please insert date here/optional).
“The United States Treasury Department has now seen fit to offer these options in an attempt to bridge the credibility gap between taxpayers and the feds. Apparently the taxing agency is uncomfortable with the present arrangement harboring common fears that people will just say no when the annual fees are calculated.
“They want to project a more human face,” continued the source, who was recently retired and now lives in Colona. In addition to standout performances with a Chinese ledger sheet, he can wiggle his ears and was once presented the much coveted Best Shortstop Award in the Irrational League.
When contacted by phone another agent agreed with the summation.
“We’re here to clear up any misunderstanding on the subject of taxation,” said the agent who refused to be identified. “In short, just because we have our hand in your pocket doesn’t mean we can’t be friends.”
Taxpayers who wish to apply for a refund can do so by simply filling out the required forms and return them to the IRS before June 15, 2012. Applications received after this date will not qualify for the program at this time. We will retain these petitions but they could get lost in the shuffle.
“To be on the safe side why not get off your butt earlier for 2012 returns,” said the second source, “and save everyone a lot of headache.”
Heroine Rescued From Tracks
(Editor’s note: The following story first appeared as “Heroin Rescued from Tracks” which was most likely a typo and for which we heartily apologize.)
A Victorian heroine, tied mercilessly to a stretch of forgotten track near Sams by an unknown assailant, was rescued by a constable of the Canadian Mounted Police just after dawn this morning. Wilfrena Platte, of 22779911776675 Road in Mousetown, was pronounced in good condition despite exposure to the elements.
Although facts are sketchy, red-coated police say a mustachioed villain in a dark suit and stove-pipe hat was apprehended in a stand of pinyon trees nearby. He was reportedly rubbing his hands together madly and checking his watch when police approached. Officers confirmed that they confiscated a whip and small pieces of rope matching the type used to secure Platte to the tracks.
“It’s a just incrimination when one cannot even count on the trains running according to schedule in these parts anymore,” said an attorney for the suspect. “This entire affair is a miscarriage of justice in that my client had only recently returned from a bad guy’s conference in LA and was still out of town at his grandmother’s funeral during a blinding snowstorm. I would like to show you proof but the dog peed on it.”
One Sams bystander put it best saying, “Ain’t been no trains running around here since I can’t remember when and although things worked out for Wilfrena it’s all a sad memory for the rest of us. We liked having the train come through Sams.”
It was not known why Canadian authorities, who only have jurisdiction in Canada, were operating here but local police welcomed their keen response. Both groups are of the opinion that the villain had tied the maiden to the tracks since she had refused to go out with him.
