Catch and Mute Program off to Slow Start

Ravens Declared Nuisance by Council

(Ouray) The local city council took action this evening to limit noise-making capacities of resident ravens. A new, albeit controversial plan kicked off this week, calls for a catching the birds and surgically muting them.

Citing noisy crows that they say are “pests and have all but run songbirds out of town”, members favoring the action say their plan is both humanitarian and effective. The procedure, according to a local biologist, on loan from the BLM, is painless and the animal recovers quickly and quietly in a few days.

The present population of ravens within a three-square mile radius of Ouray is estimated to be 100,000, with the largest weighing in at nearly 80 pounds. As far as it is known none have as yet undergone the supposedly painless surgery. Attacks on humans are rare but mounting.

People here may observe large bird nets dangling off the sides of familiar town vehicles. The concept is for town crews to catch the ravens and bring them back to city hall for the actual surgery…that is when and if they successfully catch one of the feathered perpetrators.

The biologist, who told an audience of concerned citizens that raven communication was performed primarily by moving the eyebrows and twitching the tail, addressed criticism suggesting that the birds would no longer be able to communicate. Serious mating rituals emanate from wing movement, beak levels, feather ruffles and strutting about, even circling romantic prey, she said.

“All the jive, the caws and the screeches are for show,” laughed the animal behaviorist. “They don’t mean anything. It’s pretty much the same as with people. Lots of worthless chatter aimed at nothing. They take joy in hearing themselves, especially when the acoustics are right.”

The biologist, who favors the Catch and Mute Program, said that all the early morning yapping and scattered disruptions throughout the day were probably “fun” for the ravens.

Critics of the official capturing scam say the ravens have been in Ouray longer than most of the residents who they add are simply jealous because the ravens can fly and they cannot. They add that, with the exception of a little crow shit these birds have a minimal carbon footprint and do not tax social services or impact parking facilities in summer.

“We oppose this plan on principle,” said one angry resident who has just returned from the winter in California. “These birds have rights. If this goes down what will become of the deer, the fruit bats, the marmots and the alley bear?”

Another local reminded both sides in the dispute that at least the ravens terminate their circus after dusk and were not a bother again till early morning. She went on to offer another plan that calls for the reintroduction and nurturing of traditional predators that enjoy eating crow.

“Japanese Snow Monkeys (macaques) could thrive in the San Juans,” she said, “and to them raven meat is a delicacy. We already have plenty of yetis roaming around the backcountry. Why couldn’t they be educated as to the benefits of lean raven meat introduced to their rough, Spartan diet?”

One frustrated councilperson expressed concern that the entire episode might get out of hand before it ever gets going. Attempts to bait the birds have failed since no one is quite sure what the ravens like to eat.

“Yesterday was the first day we sent crews out bird snatching and they didn’t catch anything. This is not as easy as it may look. They go up into the trees when approached. It’s not good for morale. So far today it’s much of the same even with the addition of management on the scene,” she said. “Once we catch one of the bastards we can move into phase two of the operation. I’m just glad it ain’t hummingbirds that we’re after.”

– Fred Zeppelin