All Entries in the "Reflections on Disorder" Category
Fox News Available in Suppository Format
Latent FCC Approves of Forced Delivery
(Special from Perth-Colona Network — November 13, 2014)
(Rocky Mountain Empire) Viewers can now access FOX news broadcasts by suppository it was announced today. The solid medical preparation, conical or cylindrical, is designed to be dissolved like common inserts so as to promote and facilitate access to the news at all times of the day and from expanded angles of the human body.
“We don’t want to dwell on the graphics or personal biology here,” said a cartoon character disguised as a journalist at the network. “Most people get the idea or will if they are game,” he chuckled. “As with all breakthrough technologies there will be some confusion at first but the adoption of this news feed is really quite simple.
The executive said the instructions are printed in extra large type to accommodate the needs of older people, who make up a large percentage of FOX loyalists. He admitted that the network’s audience is often slow to grasp content the first time around and that the personalized and capsulated version would give them the opportunity to digest the headlines at their own pace.
Persons who are sight and hearing challenged will also find the suppository helpful in that video size and audio capacity can be controlled right there by dosage and length of time it takes for the fast breaking glycerol or “what you need to know” gelatin news to dissolve in the viewers system.
“More and more we find that our audience has trouble chewing or swallowing,” said the executive, “and the news in suppository form could provide a quick and more logical alternative to actually paying critical attention to the world around them. Sure they swallow our take on current events and may even digest parts of it but not without discomfort. We will continue to chew the stories and features for them,” he said.
Although the official suppository issued by FOX is fear-based it will enter the blood stream and ultimately the consciousness without distraction. Most of the medication is produced only in black and white and is served up in language even the slowest can comprehend. Systematic and local acting medications are nothing next to the heavy mental and verbal laxatives spewed by the news professionals currently on the air.
Viewers are reminded of the 7-point embrace of the FOX information flow: 1.) Wash your hands and brain thoroughly 2.) Lie on your side 3.) breath deeply 4.) Remove confusing wrapper installed by the Obama Administration 5.) Lubricate projected probe area fully 6.) Adjust daily dosage to explain reality. 7.) Enjoy.
With a little common sense, interested Americans can secure a smooth, consistent flow of our news. Viewers awaiting Parrot Checks, payments by FOX to viewers and listeners who repeat ignorant observations, juvenile conclusions, rumors, concoctions, untruths and slanted opinions while engaged in political discussion, will be pleased to note that the recompense should be arriving this week just in time for the late summer sale at Wal-Mart. – Fred Zepellin
Green Chili Shortages Cripple Slope
(Pea Green, CO October 26, 2014) As has been feared a chronic shortage of green chilies is expected to envelope Western Colorado this fall. Partly due to a wet summer, poor distribution and limited storage, nightmares have come to roost leaving consumers desperate for the little green peppers.
Considered a delicacy, and verified as a rare source of vitamins, the chilies will be scarce all over the region but shortages will be most acute in Dolores, La Plata, Montezuma and Archuleta Counties, ironically the traditional sources of the vegetables.
Agricultural experts are perplexed and a little embarrassed at having been caught off-guard on such imperatives as crop status and yield prediction.
“We were blind-sided by our own calculations,” said one seed seer over in Conejos County. “The numbers were exceptional in 2013 and we saw no indication of a shift or change for 2014.”
Beyond this trouble in the fields, the popular crop’s dismal performance may have been political as well as nutritional since the lack of Immigration Reform made it more difficult to provide workers at the optimum time for picking.
Growers say many of the chilies died on the vine since no one showed up to pick them.
“Many of our regular employees did not show up this year since they were not clear on legal status and enforcement of existing laws which have always been shady but now are psychotic,” said one farmer in Ignacio.
Green chilies could fetch up to $20 per pound by October although jalapeno and tortilla sales should remain constant according to watchdogs in the thick of it. Hoarding is expected, if not encouraged.
Already an illegal flood of Tabasco, banana peppers, Carib hot sauces and various strains of cayenne have found their way into Colorado making life difficult for border police. Notable busts include thousands of pounds of habanera peppers, confiscated near Rico and a semi-load of Trinidad Scorpion Peppers (estimated street value of over $500,000) seized Friday in downtown Cahone.
“We legalized the possession of peppers some three decades ago,” said one policeman. “But not truckloads of them swarming our borders. Every time we think we have a narcotics ring in our sights it turns out to be pepper smugglers. We are seeing a pattern here. We just don’t know what it might be.”
And if this news is not bad enough, genetically modified peppers have sneaked into the fray often impersonating the real thing. Persons purchasing such produce should be warned as to health risks. A decision to eat these products could be fatal.
“Just look to the source. Would you trust these corporate farmers?” asked the Conejos seer. “They are the same people who are killing the bees, spraying poisons on crops and even destroying the soil with their mass methods of production. Supporting this evil plan is the deathblow to activist environmentalism in this nation.”
“These pepper enthusiasts are desperate. They will get their heat one way or another,” she said. “Let’s just hope it all remains peaceful.”
A benefit concert for chili farmers is scheduled for late October in Dove Creek. Headliners include Freddy Fender, Beyonce, Billy Nelson, Ruben Rada and Julius La Rosa Quartet. – Maria Jardin
Snow Pea Crop Looks Like a Good One
(Crested Bute, CO —October 26, 2014) Crested Butte’s much maligned snow pea crop should break all existing records this harvest season. The crop, currently burgeoning out of control may have to be stored on Elk Avenue until it can be processed and categorized.
According to the FDA, the product cannot be shipped until each pea has a sticker on it that describes origin and destination. That will take time. Until then several backstreets will be shut down and some prime parking spaces will be affected.
Even with the inconveniences there is reason for celebration down on the farm: Food brokers say the snow pea yield will exceed the largest agricultural profits recorded since 1928, when marijuana was reclassified as a narcotic.
The elements of a rich harvest are all here: Lots of snow, sunshine and the coming colder nights. As most of us know, the snow peas cannot handle consistent daytime temperatures above 80 degrees, preferring seasonal highs of 60-65 found in the northern end of the Gunnison Valley.
Often farmers must blow cold air over their fields to prevent pea burnout while pea poachers have become a problem since the Obama Administration began giving all the rich folks’ money to the poor.
“I run a few fans during the high peak but my favorite part is shooting at poachers,” said Earl Sykes, who irrigates 10,000 acres of rocky terrain every morning before breakfast.
Most of the snow peas will find their way to Peabody, Kansas where they will be shipped by rail to waiting markets back east. Refrigerated freight cars are not needed since the peas acclimatize once they are picked.
Area restaurants have embraced the subtleties of the Crested Butte Snow Pea. Already seminars, focused on eating peas with a butter knife and adorning favorite green dishes, have been popping up like April rocks on thinly clad slopes. Special cocktails such as the Vodka Pod have made their way onto many menus while pretty young women prance around town in scanty Green Giant knockoffs.
Many Mount Crested Butte condominiums have been torn down so as to create more agricultural space and free up larger tracts of arable farmland for this lucrative industry. – Suite Pea Malone
“Snooping pollsters! That campaign trash is tasty”
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Snooping Pollsters! That campaign literature is mighty tasty
Anti-Solar Demonstrations Rock New York
(Manhattan-Ridgway, CO September 25, 2014) An estimated 200 demonstrators blocked traffic and upset rush hour in Manhattan and Brooklyn today advocating the construction of more nuclear plants and condemning further government research in the field of solar and wind generated energy.
The crowd, a mixture of tattooed businessmen and blue-collar professionals blended with all night disc jockeys union and an assortment of neighborhood toughs looking for someone to stomp.
The philistine assemblage soon began throwing rocks at the sun and shouting, “No Rays!”
Insiders blame the disturbance on poorly informed Fox News personnel who have continually warned that the adoption of solar energy will kill jobs while building coal-generated nuclear power plants is good for the economy.
Actually the reverse is true,” said sociologist studying the behavior of mobs. “Today there are more than twice as many people employed in the solar industry than in the coalfields.”
“Damn the facts,” said one angry believer. “Those solar types would have you believing that the sun is free.”
Citing dangers in solar expansion such as sunburn and an overabundance of chlorophyll, the demonstrators jeered at anyone who did not visibly support them. One angry demonstrator challenged his adversaries to explain what they intended to do with potentially hazardous solar waste materials.
Some statements just don’t deserve a response, no matter how juvenile it might be,” said a four collector solar enthusiast from Connecticut.
An entertainment venue, aimed at drawing supporters from the commuter throng, completely missed its mark. Although the wildly popular Chase Manhattan String Band (“There Goes the Sun” and “You Aren’t My Sunshine”) swooned Union Square, a slim crowd was estimated to be no more than 20 people, and some of those may have been waiting for the uptown bus to the Bronx.
The situation threatened to turn violent as pro-solar militias began surrounding the hapless demonstrators, cut off from their fellows by more than improprieties. Suddenly a grueling late afternoon sun made its way across the wet, tepid sky driving participants, demonstrators, militias and bystanders into the shade for some relief from the heat.
Meanwhile in Ulster County two mounted loonies have reportedly been attacking windmills in some twisted solidarity with the whole affair.
– Estelle Marmotbreath
