Fox News Available in Suppository Format

Latent FCC Approves of Forced Delivery

(Special from Perth-Colona Network — November 13, 2014)
(Rocky Mountain Empire) Viewers can now access FOX news broadcasts by suppository it was announced today. The solid medical preparation, conical or cylindrical, is designed to be dissolved like common inserts so as to promote and facilitate access to the news at all times of the day and from expanded angles of the human body.
“We don’t want to dwell on the graphics or personal biology here,” said a cartoon character disguised as a journalist at the network. “Most people get the idea or will if they are game,” he chuckled. “As with all breakthrough technologies there will be some confusion at first but the adoption of this news feed is really quite simple.
 The executive said the instructions are printed in extra large type to accommodate the needs of older people, who make up a large percentage of FOX loyalists. He admitted that the network’s audience is often slow to grasp content the first time around and that the personalized and capsulated version would give them the opportunity to digest the headlines at their own pace.
Persons who are sight and hearing challenged will also find the suppository helpful in that video size and audio capacity can be controlled right there by dosage and length of time it takes for the fast breaking glycerol or “what you need to know” gelatin news to dissolve in the viewers system.
“More and more we find that our audience has trouble chewing or swallowing,” said the executive, “and the news in suppository form could provide a quick and more logical alternative to actually paying critical attention to the world around them. Sure they swallow our take on current events and may even digest parts of it but not without discomfort. We will continue to chew the stories and features for them,” he said.
Although the official suppository issued by FOX is fear-based it will enter the blood stream and ultimately the consciousness without distraction. Most of the medication is produced only in black and white and is served up in language even the slowest can comprehend. Systematic and local acting medications are nothing next to the heavy mental and verbal laxatives spewed by the news professionals currently on the air.
Viewers are reminded of the 7-point embrace of the FOX information flow: 1.) Wash your hands and brain thoroughly 2.) Lie on your side 3.) breath deeply 4.) Remove confusing wrapper installed by the Obama Administration 5.) Lubricate projected probe area fully 6.) Adjust daily dosage to explain reality. 7.) Enjoy.
With a little common sense, interested Americans can secure a smooth, consistent flow of our news. Viewers awaiting Parrot Checks, payments by FOX to viewers and listeners who repeat ignorant observations, juvenile conclusions, rumors, concoctions, untruths and slanted opinions while engaged in political discussion, will be pleased to note that the recompense should be arriving this week just in time for the late summer sale at Wal-Mart. – Fred Zepellin