All Entries in the "Reflections on Disorder" Category
The People’s Quart
(An indicting synopsis of legal goings-on
under the friendly green awning of jurisprudence)
The following data is lifted directly from court documents in Town of Jingo, County of Manana, Colorado. The information is released with the approval of principals herein for the benefit of personal freedom and access jurisdiction.
Idarado Mining Company vs. People of Colorado
At this point the saga attorneys for Idarado/Newmont Mining and Milling are just about to present “conclusive and irreversible evidence” that Idarado is not guilty of spilling waste into Bear Creek and therefore not responsible for future cleanups or EPA foreclosures. Instead, they assert, that less than hygienic Hippies swimming in the creek during the 1977 Telluride Bluegrass Festival polluted the water. The lawyers are asking that the court confiscate Bluegrass receipts to identify and prosecute the offenders and stop pointing the finger at the mining industry. Attempts to contact the alleged perpetrators has been slow going since many, almost forty years later, are out selling real estate.
Idarado/Newmont has also blamed for the presence of PCBs, acetone and trichloroethane in local rivers, on local Ute bands, which were forcibly vacated from the premises in 1874. That accusation will be undressed on the federal quart docket in December. A change of venue to the planet Mars is expected.
San Juan Horseshoe vs. Barnacle Media
Can a respectable journalist leave his bar tab to a colleague after death? Publisher and Retired General Horseshoe has gone all the way down to the knuckles on this one. His will, drawn up as a conclusive precedence to what is inevitable, leaves a stunning bar arrangements in Crested Butte (With all of the privileges and responsibilities of the working press) to Crested Butte News editor Mark Reaman. Horseshoe, who is still quite warm, claims that the tab options constitute roughly 3 times the value of his estate and thus cancels any advertising fees due the News.
He has gone on record as saying he would like to the keep the matter out of probate court because “everyone could die of thirst while that institution establishes jurisdiction much less validity over the avowed, albeit spirituous pact.” Reaman was not in quart this morning preferring to journey to Denver to accept a Ski Writer’s Award for penmanship.
Po’ Folk vs. Vail
The more than 300 persons were arrested in Eagle County on Saturday during a Poor People’s March on Vail were arraigned this morning. After promising to subsist and go home the violators were released on two months probation and a fifty-dollar fine that all but 3 refused to pay. Lawyers representing what the tastefully coiffured media are calling The Vail 300 are calling for the immediate release of all prisoners from the Gerald Ford Work and Ski Facility at Beavercreek, where they currently labor making turns, washing towels and picking up trash.
Civil liberties attorneys, who have joined the melee, are seeking an injunction against Vail that would provide for housing and mass transport for the workers in question. Circuit Judge, Oliver Cromwell has pledged to satisfy all concerns by the weekend. The Vail 300 inmates are expected to be moved to the John Elway Minimum Security Trailer Park in Minturn by later today.
June 29, 2016
Japanese Purchase Hawaii
(Honolulu — Tokyo Rose Press — June 21, 2016)
Final details are expected today on the sale of Hawaii to Japan. With the closing slated for Friday, both sides appeared hesitant to disclose the deal. The selling price, although not official, is estimated to be twice what Bill Seward spent for Alaska in 1867 or roughly what the average Congressman spends campaigning each year.
The Japanese took control of the island after a gerrymandered vote in 2015 and at first agreed to a lend-lease /purchase. Then last month the Asian nation acquired rights to buy the islands outright.
The property in question was seized from the rightful owners by the United States. It later became the 50th state in the United States of America. Resentment toward the American occupation has shifted somewhat to the Japanese cultural domination over the past century.
“The islands fit the specific needs of Japan,” justified a realtor involved directly with the transaction. “We were all a little choked up to see her go but the expense at keeping the place up to snuff was breaking the U.S. budget.”
Critics of the arrangement hammered the Obama Administration over the sale even though they have demanded the government take a more conservative fiscal role.
“Let’s face it. They pretty much owned the place anyway,” said one Obama spokesman. “This was pretty much a formality.”
Profits from the sale are earmarked for a remodel of Puerto Rico, which has residents there quite concerned as to their future in this odd realignment.
– H. L. Menocken
Deadheads’ Dogs Detained
(Red Rox — Canned Canine News — March 2016)
Several hundred arrested dogs, allegedly associated with Deadheads, have been released from three Denver Animal Control Units this morning. The animals were nabbed outside a recent Grateful Dead concert held her, near Morrison, Colorado.
According to a report security people called the dog cops when it became apparent none of the pooches were prepared to buy tickets and were about to storm the gates.
“Some skinny hippie by the name of Morrison paid their bail and we had no choice but to release them,” said a uniformed officer. “We’ll all be in court before summer.”
The dogs were released in downtown Denver, given a cheap suit and ten dollars and told stay out of trouble. They immediately headed west toward Red Rocks.
Attempts to positively identify the dogs’ benefactor have failed. No one in Morrison seems to know anyone named Morrison currently residing in Morrison.
– Attila Diggins
GOP Candidates Warned on Plagiarism
(Las Vegas, NV — City of Fool’s Gold — May 29, 2016)
The four leading Republican camps have been accused of using Know Nothing Party speeches from the 1850s and passing them off as their own work. The Trump, Cruz, Rubio and Bush headquarters were warned after “clear evidence was unearthed” before the weekend.
The content of each speech was allegedly “cherry-picked from the ideological scrolls of the Know Nothing Party”, according to committee historians, linguistic watchdogs and academic sources. An offshoot of the Whig Party that flourished in the 1850s, the Know Nothings were so named for the members’ coined reply when asked about party activities*.
The passages in question follow a similar pattern of political exclusionism, racism and xenophobia. They flow exactly as the words flowed back in the “good old days”. In most cases the pentameter is identical. In many cases the words are the same.”
The Know Nothings Party, a portion of whose membership helped rejuvenate the Ku Klux Klan in the 1920s, were led by men such as Nathaniel Banks and Lewis Levin. They were seriously concerned with the arrival of so many Irish and German Catholics over a short span of time, fearing it would lead to Papist politics and destroy the country.
Although there has been little response from the Republican candidates, who were preoccupied arguing about oil reserves and birthplaces, Democrats are calling for transparency (secret words and all if they got ‘em) and a full disclosure as to the origin of the speeches.
“No, I didn’t say Origin of the Species,” laughed one Congressman when asked if he thought the governing body had evolved at all since the time of the Know Nothings.
*The all-inclusive ”I know nothing” response was revisited when uttered at the slightest provocation by Sergeant Hans Schultz in the TV program Hogan’s Heroes.
FAVORITE THINGS
Raincoats on lushes
And barbells on kittens
Stinky old buses
And loud politicians
Octogenarians out for their flings–
These are a few of my favorite things.
Tailgating morons
And overcooked noodles
Clever, young Yupsters
And turkeys with poodles
The length of the winter, the mud in the spring–
These are a few of my favorite things.
When the smog chokes
When the air clings
When I’m feeling had
I simply remember my favorite things
And than I get fighting mad!
Troops in Mideast
And skinheads in Europe
Donald to the rescue
His feet in the stirrup
Traffic and meltdown, some drunk tryin’ to sing–
These are a few of my favorite things.
Bambo and pinkos
Identity crisis
Miso and tofu
Assorted brown rices
IRS agents, that briefcase they bring–
These are a few of my favorite things.
When the tick lights
When the truth stings
When I’m feeling bad
I simply remember my favorite things
And pray I’m not in Baghdad.
Hassles and conflicts
And Nuclear Winters
Fresh out of toothpicks
And hands full of splinters
Media preachers who yearn to be King–
These are a few of my favorite things.
-Kashmir Horseshoe
May 27, 2016
Iceberg Hugs Ecuadoran Coast
(Galapagos Islands — South American Cruises — May 16, 2016)
The mammoth iceberg that broke away from the continent of Antarctica continues to drift north. Visible from the city of Guayaquil and from beaches as far north as Canoa and Esmeraldas, it has been described as a “monster whale of white” by eyewitnesses. Traveling along a longitudinal path of about 105 degrees, the giant chunk of rock and ice, despite the Humboldt Current and the treacherous Machalilla Riptides, is expected to hit downtown Los Angeles in time for rush hour on Monday.
The iceberg, carrying an estimated 11,000 penguins (and an alleged assortment of dampened persons dressed like penguins) separated from the mainland near the Walgreen Coast and proceeded into the bowels of the South Pacific. At last report, the almost circular frozen bulk measured 43 by 40 miles but it is constantly losing mass as it journeys closer to the Equator. It is reportedly traveling at about 14 miles per hour in the frigid waters of the South Pacific
Passengers appear to be content to ride the thing out. Undocumented penguins will be subject to immigration laws wherever they land, while legitimate penguins will be returned to their native habitat without incident. The Red Cross has been monitoring the sojourn especially since food and water is a rare commodity on the iceberg.
If the iceberg follows through and crashes into the California coast it will do so with substantial might. Prisons have been emptied with inmates going to work filling sandbags. LA gang members have been recruited to dig trenches as part of public service debts. Yesterday, Octogenarians were seen boarding up windows. One man was observed collecting silk stockings that he insisted would be used to make parachutes. Police and fire departments are telling citizens to “stay mellow”.
Golden State scientists project that either the iceberg will shatter the fragile geologic relationship between California and the rest of the continent, or it will peacefully float into safe harbors, providing the region with much needed water for the next decade.
Nobody has released any further information as to the identity of the penguin vagabonds, currently cruising the high seas. Rescue teams at the Tommy Lasorda Abalone Research Center remain on high alert, expecting a life saving/salvage situation as early as Sunday evening.
– Small Mouth Bess
