All Entries in the "Reflections on Disorder" Category

BLM Admission on Creation Theories Told

(Bland Valley August  24, 2016) The Bureau of Land Management today admitted that it had neither created the Garden of Eden nor played a hand in the creation of the world (as we know it). The disclosure comes after hours of courtroom paper-pushing and bad drama.

Despite the fact that many attached to the BLM remain convinced that the agency created the world, they will kept on in support capacities until retirement. Many appear transfixed by the notion that the BLM was somehow once located in the Holy Land or in Branson, Missouri. Others have embraced a militant sagebrush cult, which recognizes (and some say worships) large chunks of managed land.

“It’s cheaper than reeducation camps and we all know what happened in Cambodia,” said Ellie Hawker, executive director of Dusty Canons and New Lizard Species somewhere’s west of here.

Whether the acknowledgment will have any real effect on the way people sip tea in Bombay is anyone’s guess however the shake-up has generated a maze of new cattle guards and wild flower warning signs despite, as any true woodsman would agree, the symbiotic relationship shared by the two arterial improvements.

The announcement comes moments before a swarm of Biblical scholars were slated to take the stand. Many had arrived only last night from such remote and inconvenient locales as Detroit and The Fertile Crescent.

“That could have gotten very expensive,” said one courtroom clerk. “Donuts and coffee for Bible scholars who rarely tip. God will know.”

The prosecution planned a bull rush tactic aimed at smothering any dialogue on the subject of creation, while the defense had hoped to show that the BLM was just keeping the land for God until he or she decided what if anything to do with it.

How this development might affect things over at the Division of Wildlife, the Department of Motor Vehicles or the U.S. Congress was not clear although insiders expect heads to roll.

– Alfalfa Romero

“I’ve been up here so long I’ve got saddle sores on my libido.”
– Wrangler, Charley Horse, complaining about the length of cattle roundups, Gillette, Wyoming, May 3, 2016.

CU Buffs football 2016 schedule released

The Pac-12 Conference on Tuesday released the University of Colorado Buffaloes’ 2016 football schedule.

The CU Buffs open the season with the Rocky Mountain Showdown against Colorado State University at Sports Authority Field at Mile High in Denver on Friday, Sept. 2.

The home opener at Folsom Field is the following Saturday, Sept. 10 against Idaho State.

CU will also make an appearance at the “Big House” in Ann Arbor, Mich., on Sept. 17.

2016 COLORADO FOOTBALL SCHEDULE

Tolstoy, Others Found in Village

(Moscow — Red Square Circular — Aug 29, 2016)

Leo Nikolaevich Tolstoy, Fyodor Dostoevsky, Anton Chekhov and Maxim Gorki, all long thought dead, have been positively identified, living life in the remote village of Yerkilansk in a remote region called Krasnoyarsk in central Russia

Remnants of the Russian news agency TASS report that the four have been in Yerkilansk since their banishment by a series of Czars and Bolsheviks during the early 20th Century. They are said to be collaborating several novels, essays and screenplays within the framework of the Ernest Sagas, which were originally written as a satire on Czarist, and later Soviet, life in Russia.

The four remained defiant through the 70s and 80s when they refused to write Communist propaganda in return for more food and firewood. Despite their lengthy ordeal they all appeared to be in good health and humor. In the mid-90s the post-Soviet administration called on them to welcome Glasnost and anointed them “guests of he state” rather than “political interns”. They were then free to come and go as they pleased, although in Yerkilansk there are not many places to come and go to.

“On one walk we encountered three hungry Russian brown bear and decided to curb our geographic enthusiasm and stay closer to the village,” said Gorki. “Everywhere there is snow! It is possible to get lost or at least disoriented within a mile from this paltry civilization.”

The creative breakthrough in collective labor came when Chekov envisioned “all that is the Ernestine” and became a full time follower of that stringent doctrine. A flourish of work followed quickly as the other greats jumped on board and began pumping out short sagas of Ernest. Favorites like “Ernest Goes to Indoctrination Camp”, “Ernest Goes to a For Profit Prison” and Ernest Saves Christmas from the Pagans” come to mind here.

Although most Americans may not remember Ernest, a far greater number do not recognize the names of Russian novelists. This desire for further notoriety appears to be the driving force in the tumultuous tasks facing the novelists. Speaking through a translator, the celebrated author of Anna Karenina said, “Anton and Fyodor were invaluable in fermenting novels and plays during what literary critics refer to as the Early Ernest Period (1994-2000). Maxim performed at high altitude warp speed even though we aren’t familiar with that mode quite yet.”

What followed shook the literary world. Four great Russian pens working together on Ernest Invades Afghanistan, finishing it up in time for the semi-annual vodka harvest. This true masterpiece will outlive governments, break ageless traditions and survive the elements. Four enlightened artists, in insulated leisure suits and Sorrels on a long arctic holiday, have collectively captured the essence of Ernest. Tolstoy credits his associates in a long-winded introduction in which he compares the collaborative process to “checkmate in the dark.”

Meanwhile the real life Ernest, accompanied by a close friend named Vern is expected to arrive in Yerkilansk on Friday to examine the life-prolonging waters of the Kubinichev River. The two hope to escort the four novelists to Disneyland and into a recording studio in May.

“I just hope the Dodgers are in town,” said Gorki. “The last time I was in L.A. was in 1903 and the team was still in Brooklyn.”

– Kashmir Horseshoe

Brothels Still Fuming Over Lotto Disbursements

(Gothic, CO  —  August 13, 2016) Local brothels in these mountains are accusing the Colorado Gaming Commission of misuse of public funds. Insisting that funds collected from gambling in the state have not been dispensed in accordance with the law.

“Despite the initial agreement insuring that a percentage of the take would go toward recreation, we have not seen a lousy dime,” said Flaura Pure-Tater, a well-preserved madame from the 20th Century. Our industry was founded and has thrived on the concept since the beginning of time.”

A class-action suit has been filed in Denver and known employees of the State of Colorado have been barred from erotic premises until further notice. A moratorium on activity may be extended to include vendors and others who do business within the confines of the Colorado Lottery. One private operator, Ruby Siesta, has moved her operation over to Schofield so as to “undress the undercurrent of wailing and palpitations while the amorous wait it out.”

The ill repute forked out much needed support when the idea of a state lottery first appeared, thinking it would be included on payday. Now they want a chunk of the change.

Prostitution was legalized in Colorado in 1876 and to our knowledge that eminent legal standing has never been altered. The state has some 35,000 houses of merriment operating from Burlington to Cortez. Most, however, are reserved for out-of-state religious zealots who buy fishing and hunting licenses.

“If we get an honest judge we can beat these penny-ante big gamers before they pull back their winnings,” snapped a militant Siesta. “It’s either that or we pull up stakes and move to Utah.”

– Uncle Pahgre

“Who cares what the rest of the world thinks of us!”
– overheard at the GOP Convention, Summer 2016.

New Gas Guzzler RVs on Block

(Branson, MO — Slug News – July   19, 2016

The newest and largest recreational vehicle ever to roll off an assembly line will be less than fuel-efficient. That should be no surprise to anyone although the size may knock a few critics off their high horses.

The shiny Slugland Freedom is 7000-foot from bow to stern, operates at .000005 miles per gallon and maintains cruising speeds well over 23 miles per hour.

The size and speed should be a benefit to older people who cannot see well or are high on legal pharmaceuticals. There are a reported 18 mirrors on the rig (stock) as well as multiple towing packages at a premium. The RV costs in the neighborhood of $350,000.

“Of course we’re talking highway miles in the mountains, said Ethan Knoll, executive designer of the road craft. “They are slightly sluggish on the hills too in fact we don’t recommend use on steep driveways either.”

Knoll went on to say the RV is not suitable for running errands or driving to bingo since it is hard to park and visibility is poor.

“The best idea is to park it somewhere,” gestured Knoll. “It’s got a music system, a microwave, a stair master (on premium models) and a state-of-the art terrorist repellent system…the whole works!”

The Slugman, which screams of improvidence, can easily consume the oil reserves of small countries such as Qatar or Bahrain in just one afternoon.
– Ripple Van Winkle

“Witches cannot bear the touch of the crucified Jesus. Thank God for science.”         – Dismas, in The Relic Master

Kamikaze Attacks Up Again in June

(Colona, CO — Downtown Wildlife Review — July 9, 2106)

Motorists have been warned after a sharp spike in desperate attacks on our highways in June. Two terrorist groups, RVers and mule deer, have been singled out as the ruthless culprits in these violent incidents.

Called Kamikaze attacks by state and federal authorities the action has prompted clone surveillance, beefed up patrols, arrests, promises and a lot of whitewashing, common to gov’ment entities from large to small. Although there were attacks over the winter these rascals of the road prefer to do their dirty work when the weather gets warmer.

A Kamikaze is now defined by Websters as 1. the average senior citizen operating a vehicle 17 times the size of his head without the clear, steady vision needed to find his false teeth. 2. Driving something that you do not completely control in a state of semi-consciousness.

“It’s more than thrill seeking,” said one social scientists that has studied this phenomenon for 30 years. “This is systematic destruction without provocation is somehow attached to some twisted belief in road warrior justice and bent revenge for something that happened in the past. We don’t know what that could be but we’re working to disclose the data once we find it.”

The Colorado Highway Patrol suggests the employment of evasive tactics if one encounters a kamikaze. Do not panic. Pass on the left. Give it full throttle and watch for stragglers on the shoulder. Use anti-aircraft mounts (see operator’s manual) and implants when the target comes into view and always remember that you are dealing with a desperate adversary.

– Rufus Maxwell