RSSAll Entries in the "Reflections on Disorder" Category

Explicación de las zonas de barbacoa designadas

(Montrose) En un intento por reducir las emisiones de carbón vegetal en el Valle Uncompahgre, se ha formulado un diseño estricto para los días de barbacoa designados para el bien de todos. El sistema se implementó para controlar la contaminación por humo y fomentar la seguridad general alrededor de la parrilla este verano.

Así funciona:

Los residentes y visitantes cuyos nombres comiencen con las letras A – L podrán hacer barbacoas legalmente los lunes, miércoles y sábados, mientras que las personas cuyos nombres comiencen con las letras M – Z estarán restringidas a cocinar los martes, jueves y viernes. Los domingos son fechas abiertas en las que todos pueden hacer barbacoas, ya que ese día hay una menor contaminación de los vehículos comerciales y la industria en este frágil valle. Los patrocinadores de esta legislación reconocieron que el programa limita el disfrute culinario del aire libre, pero sienten que se producirá un aire más limpio.

“Sugerimos que la ciudadanía elabore un cuadro simple que defina claramente los días legales para cocinar al aire libre”, dijo Evelyn White-Fumo, del Consorcio de Aire Limpio de Colorado en Boulder. “Si las fechas están marcadas en rojo, no debería haber motivo de confusión. Incluso tenemos bolígrafos rojos para regalar con nuestro logo y un número de emergencia en caso de problemas ”.

El plan, llamado innovador por los proponentes y estúpido por los detractores, está siendo promulgado a pesar del fracaso de otros programas similares. El concepto de zona piloto ha funcionado bien en las llanuras, pero nunca despegó realmente en altitudes más altas.

“Es una cuestión cultural”, continuó White-Fumo, “ya que la temporada aquí es más corta y la gente siente la necesidad de aprovechar la corta temporada de verano”.

– Sergio Tinkleholland

WHAT I’VE FOUND OUT

A little bit of worldly wisdom, with a shared bath down the hall

It’s better to be born rich than stupid but if the two elements share the main stage the money will surely serve as a great comfort.

Airline food was inspired by hospital food, which was itself inspired by train food. Train food first found its inspiration in K-rations. K-Rations…kibble. There is no set cuisine for bus travel.

Region Zen, in Western Colorado, Boasts the Best Weather in North America

All Italians want you to think they drive Alpha Romeos and wear $500 sun glasses.

Commenting that the queen of Thailand is “a bit chubby” will upset most Thais and could get you deported.

The number of DUIs issued since 1990 has all but decimated the drinking community.

The chances of winning a state lottery are about the same as being struck twice by lightening in a gold mine.

For prehistoric Basques, caves were often safe places.

Punctuality is in the eyes of the beholder.

If Iraq held democratic elections today it would be a fundamentalist Muslim state tomorrow.

I’d rather run into a black bear in an alley than a skunk.

The Greek gods and goddesses had it pretty darn good.

It is physically and mathematically impossible to fill all the handicapped parking spaces in Colorado at one time.

Due to chronic globalization beach ants won’t eat sticky rice on the Andaman island of Ko Lipe, Thailand.

When the owner of a brand new SUV spends his evenings delivering pizzas the economy is in for a ride. My other car is a Schwinn.

Ordering the fish special right there on the Mekong River (in front of the fish) is not considered bad breeding in Laos.

If UN weapons inspectors tried to ply their trade in the US they would get a similar reception as the one in Iran.

Biscuits and Gravy are never mentioned in the Old Testament and, in fact, the dish has Muslim roots. When served beside grits, however, the plate automatically changes its venue to Mississippi. In New Mexico see: Grits and green chilis.

Elk and bear droppings, while messy, are not a threat to national security at this time. There be a Color Brown alert if the situation worsens?

The United States gov’ment has enough nuclear warheads to hit every square inch of the planet 230 times before anyone has finished his lunch.

Dogs are not particularly loyal to other dogs.

Every trauma experienced by man in 2021 is caused by overpopulation yet controlling religious concerns continue to promote more babies in social corners where children are at extreme risk and life expectancy is lowest.

It’s difficult to make the car payment at a poker table but it sure beats worrying about it.

The best time to embrace adulthood is from 14 -16.

In golf, the value or skill in putting has little to do with stroke, greens or breaks. It has everything to do with putting the little ball into the little hole.

Terrorist is a convenient term that can be applied to corporate murderers as well as murderers motivated by twisted religious interpretations.

– Gabby Haze

REGIONAL SHORTS

Power Company Meeting Filled With Electricity

(Ridgway) The annual meeting of the San Miguel Power Cartel was filled with electricity last night as principals juggled controversial proposals as to the mandatory adoption of solar energy in Ouray, San Juan and San Miguel Counties. Other subjects discussed were a three-day work week for employees of the cooperative, the use of golf carts on service details to Hastings and Horsefly Mesas. Other downtown sources appeared intent on embracing fossilized ideas from the winter. At the close of the meeting, in keeping with the newly emerging windmill technology, a particularly extended passage from Cervantes was read and everyone fell asleep, only to be awakened when the pizza arrived.

PAGAN BIGGIES TO CONVENE HERE IN AUGUST

(Telluride) Leading pagan gods will assemble in this festive burg August 2 to discuss the future of Heathenism in America. Gods and goddesses already committed to attend the three-day seminar include Pan, Bacchus, Vishnu, Thor, Venus, Cuchulainn, Zeus, Rahsheeman, Buddha, Hera, After Six Jah, Ra, Finn McCool and the late great James Brown.

In return for free parking and discount lodging, the gods have promised heavy snows for the next three winters and divine intercession in building further roundabouts in the middle of sacred wetlands.

After an intimate chicken fried steak buffet the participants will convene to the Telluride Golf Corpse for closest-to-the-pin tournament sponsored by the recently reorganized Disappointment Valley Optimist Club. Limited tickets are currently available through any local working the crowd. If you are a god or goddess and would like to attend ask for an application at any merchant.

Ceiling on Tattoo Parlors

(Montrose) The local elected council has passed a sweeping ordinance that would severely curtail the number of tattoo parlors allowed to operate within city limits. Citing an explosion of tattoo and body piercing establishments the council voted unanimously to curtail further operations of this type.

“The existing parlors are not a problem nor considered a nuisance since they fulfill a need and pay taxes,” said one voting member. “we just don’t want to see the place turn into another Grand Junction.”

Already several appeals have been filed by tattoo parlors just outside the city limits who say grandfathered operations represent unfair competition in that they receive special consideration on city contracts.

Sand Baggers Criticized

(Gunnison) Persons engaged in sand bagging/flood control along the Gunnison River at Dos Rios have come under fire for irregular stacking methods by an architectural review committee from Parlin.

Saying that the stacks of sand bags interrupt access to the river at many points, the watchdog group further contends that the bags are not to code and that the baggers have not secured the proper building permits necessary for their venture.

“Many didn’t have protective footwear, helmets or flippers,” said one neighbor, concerned over a shoddy job.

Meanwhile the sandbaggers, who, for the record, take acceptance to the negative name reference, insist that emergency conditions dictate precedence and that adjudicated water laws overrule existing local statutes.

County officials promised to sort out the matter just as soon as the dry season arrives.

Phone companies promise louder beeps

(Pea Green) Telephone company CEOs, hiding from consumer contact in this quaint little jerkwater heaven, have decided to increase the decibel level of all “reminder recordings” by the first of the year. They insist that the obnoxious blasts experienced when one gets a wrong number or fails to follow dialing procedures correctly are not punitive. Many corporate human resource teams have reached out and reminded consumers that there are many deaf people amid the company’s clientele.

“That which is designated as politically correct must take priority,” said a QBest executive, who pulls down millions per year with incentives and bonuses. “We’re just poor, old country boy public servants “Years ago we didn’t see a lot of handicapped parking and now it’s everywhere, kind of like green space, only the asphalt is black.” 

compiled by Armando Tinkleholland 

     

Gout Club Disbands for Summer

Voting members of the Benjamin Franklin Gout Alliance plan to spend their summer reading 500-page historical novels about families they care nothing about and cannot even escape through, no matter how they till their furrows. 

Neophyte members will continue cultivating black cherry trees and fermenting apple cider vinegar to bottle in the fall.

With any luck and lower uric acid levels, the popular support group should reconvene in time for The Annual Tawny Port and Unhinged Protein Rendezvous held as part of the popular Heany Tick Festival in November.

Civic duties and hosting arrangements, dedicatedly fulfilled for decades by the gout club will be handled by the recently paroled elements of the Disappointment Valley Optimist Club.

– Gabby Haze

THE MISSING LINKSTERS

THE MISSING LINKSTERS

“If I had my way any man guilty of golf would be ineligible for any office of trust in the United States.”           – H.L. Mencken

We all get into trouble when we take ourselves too seriously. Nowhere is this reality more apparent than on the golf course. If we can’t even lighten up on the links then what chance do we have in the workaday jungle? It’s sad. The game of golf has all the elements: A healthy flirtation with fate, a personal challenge, a sensual brush with nature, and a good belly laugh. Why then is there frustration?

In 1771 Tobias Smallett observed in The Expedition of Humphrey Clinker that the game was becoming serious. “An Edinburgh foursome, all gentlemen of independent fortunes, had amused themselves at the pastime for the best part of a century, thus achieving a considerable amount of dexterity.” Tobias saw the golf as a precocious, yet peaceful pursuit. He may have said more had it not been for a brief encounter with a bolt of lightning, while single malt chipping on the 9th hole at St. Andrews that very afternoon.

Cheaters on the fairway are a common sight

Often a golfer cannot achieve consistency on a fast-talking green or in a bushwhacking fairway bunker because he’s dragged all of his daily problems into the sand with him. In short, he has chosen to play golf only on the surface level. He has chosen to go through the motions while his mind is elsewhere. He has chosen to follow another blueprint awarding himself with yet another report card for his efforts. In short, he has chosen the wrong club. That’s where cheating helps.

All golfers cheat. The ones who tell you they don’t are liars and cheats.

While fudging on a score, kicking the ball from the rough onto the fairway, taking countless mulligans and rearranging the landscape are ill-conceived yet common behaviorisms, they are only manifestations of the inside game. They are as predictable a as a wad of sunflower seeds on the path between second and third base or lowered helmets at the goal line. Combined with a competitive attention to detail, throat-slitting speed and an assortment of dead pan expressions these sociopathic country club skills, often inherited, can allow the golfer to properly focus.

Cheating at golf is a game within a game, a subculture composed of honed athletic skills, an executioner’s concentration and a bounce in the right direction when nobody is looking. It is peppered with a brisk glimpse that nothing is sacred and that no micro human endeavor should ever be taken all that seriously.

It’s all fair and square because everyone has an equal opportunity to be dishonest, even the caddies. Handicaps be damned…The novice swindler should take precautions to employ a caddie who is also a cheat. That way there’s no conflict of interest. In addition, one should dress to blend. In other words: Flashy clothes draw the kind of attention which no self-respecting, flimflam golfer wants. 

The deceptive linkster doesn’t cotton to laughing at other golfer’s outfits either. He practices the art of distraction at the appropriate times. For example, he might be inclined to rigging his own pants to fall down while competitors are putting. Eating crunch snacks on the green can also achieve this same kind of objective. Remember: Always practice your methods of cheating. There’s no reason to go straight just because you’re on the putting green or the driving range prior to play.

One particularly successful golf cheat I know in Montrose is constantly giving advice and tips to his competition. This drives them nuts.

“Keep your head down and don’t move your head,” he says. “Keep your arms straight and your club face closed. Bend your knees! Now close your eyes and swing with all your might!”

The result of this mental torture is the slow demise of his adversary. Soon these pathetic pawns are deep in analyzation and the little ball peters off the tee, slices like cream cheese or hooks its way into downtown Olathe.  

Noted American Presidents like Gerald Ford and Dwight Eisenhower engaged in techniques of harassment on regular basis. Ford allegedly aimed his shots at other golfers while Eisenhower often put fellow linksters to sleep with his legendary monotones. Jethro Clampitt, who was never elected president of anything, often yelled “Whop it!” just as other golfers began their backswing. Or maybe it was Jed. 

My favorite method is to offer assistance just as another golfer is about to drive.

“You just keep your head down, pal, I’ll stand back here and watch your ball for you,” I say. 

After the drive I attempt to send my golfing buddy to a spot as far away from his ball as possible. 

It’s funny watching the fellow searching in the rough for a ball that lies right in the middle of the fairway. Ha! Finding one’s own ball may not be the most beneficial move either. Always frown while looking and keep a backup ball at bay. Storing a second ball in one’s cheek or behind the ear works well. 

One particularly clever cheat over at Dos Rios, in Gunnison, has fashioned a kind of Steve McQueen/Great Escape pair of pants that allows for timely golf ball drops anywhere. The prisoners in the film used similar apparatus to get rid of dirt from their ill-fated tunnel. Try it on the golf course whenever the Gestapo ain’t lookin’. 

The practice of lingering over one’s own ball for what seems like an eternity can also upset other players causing them to lose all sense of timing. Often they become distracted by other stimuli and then they are at the mercy of their own frustration. This approach is very important if one is caught in a sand trap. After the other golfers have grown bored and stopped watching you take practice swings, simply stomp your ball down into the trap, kick up some sand and toss a new ball up onto the green. Simple enough huh? If another trick is necessary, exercise the wild-eyed option of cleaning your ball for about five or ten minutes at a whack whenever you are within 30 yards of a ball washing machine.

Be very careful in the sand trap. We know of people who, having spent the afternoon there, emerged victorious, but never the same. “Titleist, Topflight…Maxiflight, Wilson Long Drive….is their curious mantra. Heart breaking.

Other effective diversions include impersonating the sounds of the club hitting the ball. (The proper sound is Twaaack, not Clunk, Whoop or Plop). Losing one’s temper can work and often covers the real agenda. Sneezing, burping and chattering are also powerful tools, as are cell phones, cameras, hair dryers and small chainsaws.

Those who fudge will pay the price

Just remember: The golf club is designed to hit the ball and the golf course is designed for swindlers. Driving is wide open while chipping and putting are forever untwined with diet and inner peace. Take full advantage of other people’s insecurities when birdies fly or eagles have landed. Keep in mind that the ultimate reward for cheating is a favorable score. Many of us prefer to keep score after 18 holes have already been completed.

“I think I had a four on number five or was it a five on number four,” is a common conversational technique. Feel free to use our international conversion table found at the rear of this issue. Check out the section listed under Club Distribution of Body Weight and/or Driving While Impaired. It’s sure to shave a point or two.

If none of this works maybe one should consider that he/she simply sucks when it comes to golf. We suggest that a person faced with this stark realization turn to poker or billiards, two fine exercises for chronic rogues.

Kevin Haley, a duffer of unimpressive stature throws clubs and refuses to check the oil on his golf cart. He thinks a consistent score of 90 or lower adds validity to an afternoon.

AMERICAN TAXPAYER FEATURED ON NEW COMPUTER GAME

(New Jork) A facsimile of the average American taxpayer will be a major component of the new computer game Super Baloney Brothers which is scheduled to hit the stores by Christmas.

The game will pit an everyday wage earner against unsurmountable odds in an attempt to challenge the computer enthusiast to the max. The theme is to be simple enough. It centers around the the common desire to stay above water while attempting to come to grips with the evil deficit, represented by greedy trolls and other ravenous fiscal beasts. These desperate monsters currently hold the future of the country, represented by Lady Liberty in-the-flesh, hostage.

Production is currently at a standstill while government officials examine the workings of the game so as to determine if it encourages violent revolution or is simply another silly diversion.

-Oral Waters