All Entries in the "Reflections on Disorder" Category
Immaculate Conception a Daily Occurrence by 2030?
(Vatican City) In a shocking departure from accepted Church doctrine, Congolese Cardinal Vance Van Boope today told the faithful that immaculate conception would be commonplace in a few years and within the grasp of the poor before the end of the decade.
The process on impregnation without intimacy, for centuries reserved only for the mother of Jesus Christ, may very well change the status of parents and birth control within the hierarchy of the Roman Church. The recognition of whispered ideology as a part of the mainstream is clearly a breakthrough in theology and the application of the Commandments.
“The power of positive thinking can achieve great things,” said Van Boope, “but I think we’re still operating backwards since overpopulation and not methodology is the chronic problem on the planet. In short, it is not important how the egg is fertilized but that another new soul is on the way to a social system that is failing to support its client-based family tree. Genetics can be heartless. Physical laws cannot be ignored.”
The expansion of infallibility, stamped with the Papal Imprimatur, came during a break in the fighting which has claimed millions of lives in the mineral-rich Congo since 1990. Gold-soaked warlords trade away the country’s future for sophisticated weapons while child soldiers hump the bush and peasants starve in refugee camps, often ignored by the rest of the world.
“The new explanations do not excuse anyone from responsibility as parents or overshadow existing moral standards,” said Van Boope.
The action is seen by secular thinkers as an attempt to relax certain long-held beliefs that have become inconsequential and juvenile.
“It is our attempt to counsel our congregations by separating fantasy from reality yet holding tight to the reins,” said the Cardinal.
– St. Roscoe of Preakness
Los konkani “no se divierten mucho” con los chistes sobre el salmón
(Gunnison) Manteniendo un perfil bajo, como de costumbre en esta época del año, muchos konkani del oeste de Colorado no están contentos con el aumento de insultos sobre especies y géneros que les lanzan pescadores, navegantes y otros peces.
Los konkani, a quienes se les ha asociado durante mucho tiempo con la desorientación, la rigidez estacional y el suicidio, afirman que se les ha etiquetado maliciosamente y que las creencias comunes son erróneas.
Según los cabilderos de los ingeniosamente llamados Estanques de Truchas de las Montañas Rocosas, los peces se comportan de forma extraña. Han perdido toda motivación y apenas comen. Simplemente flotan, manteniéndose a flote, haciendo ese ridículo gesto con los labios. Los expertos concluyen que limitar las críticas podría ayudarlos a recuperar el entusiasmo por la vida que tenían antes.
“Estos konkani son muy sensibles. No son truchas”, dijo Philip Snagge, entrenador de vida silvestre. “Los ataques, aunque sean en broma, pueden tener efectos adversos en todo el clan konkani”.
A los pescadores que visitan la zona durante el verano se les recuerda que limiten las conversaciones y practiquen ejercicios estratégicos de captura y liberación hasta el otoño, cuando puedan capturar grandes cantidades de este delicioso pez de carne roja.
“Ya sea sobre el agua o bajo ella, todos debemos vivir juntos en este planeta”, dijo Snagge.
“Intentemos un poco de amor y tolerancia este verano”
– Alfalfa Romero
RIP: Robert Duval. A talent not to be replaced.
CRESTED QUIZ
Take the quiz. It makes more sense than the weather this season. All the good things in life are free. Besides, you’re this far into it. If you answer all of the questions correctly you need to get out of town more often.
1. If Bozar called the shots the White House would be what color?
2. Since the 1860s the dance of choice in the Slate River Valley has been: a.) the Watusi b.) the Bugaloo c.) the Funky Broadway d.) the Polka.
3. Over 3,000 Indian head rock formations exist inside the Mt. Crested Butte city limits. Can you name them all?
4. Name the members of D.D. and the Bomb Squad. What was the title of their third album?
5. If you had 200 burros standing around in the middle of town in 1880 you could: a.) be in for a big cleanup. b.) have a lot of mouths to feed. c.) hardly hear yourself think. d.) make a small fortune hauling supplies to Aspen. What about 200 burritos?
6. Several wonderful inventions came about here. Among them are: a.) Skiing b.) Snow. c.) Texans d.) Flauschink e.) mountain bikes
7. If you turn left onto White Rock then go two blocks and take another left, than a right, then another left and go straight what would you run into?
8. Ruby Irwin refers to:
a. A breakfast omelet served with Spam, Velveta cheese and molybdenum.
b. The Wicked Witch of the East South East, who summers here.
c. The original home of the Elk Mountain Pilot.
d. A prostitute who nursed over 400 miners back to health after a small pox epidemic in 1895.
9. During the boom days of the early 1900s what great Crested Buttian made up the schedule for two-story outhouse use during mud season?
10. In 1970 Cindy Quint and her magical accordion are playing at Frank and Gal’s Bar and Cafe? What’s the scene there in 2026?
11.) Uncle Meat owned a.) a butcher shop b.) the first gym in Crested Butte c.) a towing company d.) a very successful guide and outfitting enterprise.
12. If the Confederacy had won the Civil War a.) grits would have replaced home fries as a staple b.) Coloradans would vacation in Texas and Oklahoma c.) there would be a statue of Robert E. Lee in Totem Pole Park d.) Gone With the Wind would have been filmed in Rhode Island.
13. What do Jokerville, Smith Hill, Floresta and Painter Boy have in common?
14. True or false? The coal shed of Crested Butte’s first full-service barber shop, built in the 1890s, housed a still, and was not used to store hair as the story goes.
15.) Summer in Crested Butte begins on ___ and runs through ____. (Temperatures not technicalities)
16.) What is the ratio of dogs to realtors in Crested Butte. (Use your calculator on this one).
17.) One has reached coolness in Crested Butte when a.) you own a complete set of tire chains for your mountain bike b.) the local marshal’s office gives you a nickname c.) the restaurants serve you breakfast after 11 am d.) the Alpine Express drivers wave at you on Highway 135. e.) all of the above.
18.) Where would the premier showing of the film Dr. Zhivago most likely be showing in 1970? a.) Klinkerhaus b.) The Tailings c.) the Princess Theater d.) Lawrence of Oregano’s.
19.) What was the biggest threat to the peace and tranquillity of Crested Butte in the late 19th Century? a.) powder days b.) fire c.) Indian attacks d.) Wobblies.
20.) The last brothel in Crested Butte was named: a.) Mrs. Lovelace’s Notion and Confectionery b.) out for a walk c.) the premise for time sharing d.) Frosted Fanny’s.
21.) Crested Butte burned down in 1889 a.) because it was made of wood, not of bricks b.) to make room for a new quad lift c.) to collect the insurance when the mines weren’t producing d.) because wood burning ordinances prohibited it from burning up.
22.) The largest body of water in Gunnison County is a.) Blue Mesa Reservoir b.) Taylor reservoir c.) Lake Irwin d.) the ski area parking lot in April.
23.) Mt. Crested Butte, true or false?
24.) What are the seven naughty words never to be uttered on KBUT?
25.) Butch Cassidy’s real name was a.) Harold Zimmerman b.) Paul Newman c.) Neil Murdoch d.) Robert Parker.
Bonus Math Question: If the average income in Gunnison county is $35,000 and the average cost of purchasing a home is $525,000 how can Jack and Jill continue to live up on the hill?
– Mel Toole
Fly Swatter Handicaps Deadline Told
Attention: All Fly Swatting Handicaps are due to be registered by May 1. Failure to register your 2025 numbers could result in penalty time in a buzzing bunker next spring. Meanwhile keep your fly killer talents and potential in sync all winter. Novice classes begin in April 15.
Fumar puros no es un pasatiempo
(Rio Sucio) La práctica o el hábito de fumar puros no merece la consideración de pasatiempo, según el Consorcio Norteamericano de Diversiones y Bordados. El comité, integrado por personas sin nada más que hacer en todo el día, revocó una decisión previa tomada en marzo, de la que informa este periódico.
Durante una reunión cargada de emociones, varios defensores del hábito de fumar puros encendieron sus cigarrillos y luego salieron furiosos de la sala.
La votación final, de 5 a 0, rechazó reconocer el hábito de fumar puros como un pasatiempo legítimo. En una acción posterior, el grupo dio un giro radical sobre la situación del coleccionismo de sellos, que también se consideró inmoral hace casi tres meses.
“No hay nada obsceno en guardar sellos en un álbum de recortes y luego olvidarse de ellos”, declaró el grupo.
Como era de esperar, el anuncio evitó hacer comentarios sobre el uso de pegamento para aviones en espacios reducidos y el cultivo de hierbas peligrosas. No se espera una respuesta dura por parte de los fumadores de puros ni de la Hermandad Nacional de Humidores.
-Fanny Fumes
LOW-CAL CHRISTMAS STAMPS RELEASED
(Denver) The United States Postal Service has announced plans to release some 400,000 low calorie Christmas stamps in time for the holidays. The stamps, featuring Santa Claus and other celebrated Yuletide icons, will be first-class and available at the window on December 21.
The stamps are a colorful bit of Americana, appropriate to the season and contain less than three calories. Customers who prowl the post office hallways have for long complained about health considerations when purchasing stamps. Of course, the benefits of the low-cal stamps are only apparent when one licks the back of them.
A self-adhesive batch, mistakenly produced last month, will be saved for emergencies.
If the promotion is a success consumers should expect to be assaulted by a grand array of theme stamps throughout the year. Next up: Heart-shaped stamps for Valentines Day and 99-cent stamps for April Fools.
-Gabby Haze
