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Bake sale to fund snow removal

(Silverton) A Memorial Day bake sale to help pay for snow removal will be conducted outside the American Legion Hall in Silverton. Specializing in pastries that go down well with domestic beers the organizers of the event hope to raise $1.6 million but will settle for $300. Afterwards all interested participants will travel by train to Durango for a week-long naughty hay ride and forced sing-along. It all starts at 7 am rain or shine.

Editor Discovers Bonanza

(Ouray) The editor of the struggling San Juan Horseshoe may be able to pay his printing bill for February thanks to the discovery of more than $10,000 in fifty dollar bills. The find, tucked away in a broke box railroad car of newsprint, was stored in three cellophane bags marked with a blue X. With the cash was a blurred receipt for exactly $10,346.93.

“We came forward with the information so the cash could be claimed,” said Kashmir Horseshoe, finder and editor of the paper, “and so we could pay taxes on the cash.”

If the money is not claimed within a reasonable time Horseshoe plans to use it to start a tantric religion.

– Suzie Compost

US Will Be Gated Community by 2025

Editorial

with Sam Greengrass, Holistic Sociologist 

(Mañana) If current trends continue the United States could be a gated community in just a few short years. Rapidly expanding suburbs, poor planning/zoning, the shortage of forts and the disparity between rich and poor have all been cited as major culprits in this phenomenon.

Wealthier types certainly don’t want the great unwashed hanging out in their front yards. That’s normal. This problem can be averted by closing off access at the entrance of a fortified community. In more congested urban areas this is accomplished with a security gate while out in the suburbs an armed guard or dogs could be brought in to do the trick.

The key is avoiding contact with migratory groups and persons looking for a handout. Why should people who have made it be forced to look at those who have not been so fortunate? Good fences make good neighbors.

With both crime and the number of militarized policeman on the rise one might base his gated status strictly with security as a priority, but keep in mind that a locked gate is never a fool-proof deterrent. Criminals, who don’t usually work full time, have been known to be quite innovative when picking locks, hiding in septic systems, sneaking under doors and distracting security personnel.

Until states like Colorado embrace the death penalty for burglary the epidemic will continue. People who have things that they don’t want to share with others should prepare to insulate themselves from lesser humans, intent on stealing.

The gated concept is not just a reality in the cities and suburbs. People living in the mountains under the mistaken warranty that they are out of the mainstream and thus safe from intrusion, may be sadly surprised in the New World where criminals wander at will.

While gates will do little good out in Hooterville there are other more effective measures that can be employed to assure the wealthy that the criminal element has been dissuaded. One such prevention device is a moat dug around the property. Since most poor people have never learned to swim they cannot cross over and get their hands on one’s goods. Another effective obstruction is a machine gun nest, or nests, placed at strategic locales such as the bedroom window, baby’s room, in the trees by the pool, or on the roof of the garage.

Dogs, for decades the security of choice for many in the upper earning bracket, are less effective since they cannot be trusted. Often distracted by bits of food, sirens or other dogs, these sentries may keep some people out while allowing others access. Nobody knows exactly why this is true but ask any crook or dog lover and they will tell you.

We all know that poor people are thieves. If you want to keep what’s yours you must take steps to protect it. While private armies are frowned upon by the federal element a few guards on patrol in the environs can keep sticky fingers at bay. They can also circulate in the immediate region watching for suspicious characters and plots aimed at taking your things. Many of these security persons are not afraid to confront a potential intruder and deliver a good beating for good measure.

As one investigates these approaches to heightened security he will find that there are many types of gates that will do the job. There is the Latin American approach which uses bits of glass at the top of the wall to deny entrance to even the most athletic crook. There are electric fences and trigger devices that fire an assortment of projectiles at intruders. There are road spikes and minefields too which can get rather expensive. 

Just take care to perform a thorough check into the background of any potential ally. Don’t let the kind of car he drives or the number of domestics employed, determine his reliability. The whole lifestyle could just be a disguise, an attempt to lull you to sleep while he takes it all. The last thing you need is a fox watching the hen house or one of them firmly entrenched on the inside.

Next Month: Secure Parking Methods and Car Alarms

(Editor’s note: If you plan to employ live ammunition as part of your security shield/gate be sure that neighbors are aware of your actions. Too many times innocent people are injured by stray bullets aimed at criminals. Hey, these folks are on your side. They are only trying to protect their possessions too. In these times of overpopulation and greed we must all stick together.)  

TOWNIE CELL PHONE PROGRAM PRAISED

Ed note: The much-praised traveling cell phone program was abruptly cancelled in March of 2019. Residents are still perplexed as to controversial state and county decisions. “It’s like living in Russia.,” said one snow monkey.

(Crested Butte) The traveling Townie Cell Phone, available to anyone who needs to make a call while in town, has covered a lot of miles up and down Elk Avenue since the program started in September. The service, relying entirely on the honor code and a small cell phone, has been called a success by residents and tourists alike.

Fortunately it’s all quite simple. The designated cell phone plan, like the townie bike concept of years gone by, requires a strict adherence to logistics, fair consideration of the needs of others and credit card. Potential users can pick up the cell phone at any one of four locations on Elk. It is perfectly legit to bring the phone anywhere in town to make calls just so long as it is returned to one of the Hot Spots, which change weekly for security purposes.

Phone calls and costs are then recorded on the caller’s Federal Identification Card and transferred overnight to an appropriate credit plan.

“It beats having to carry a cell phone around,” said Melvin Toole, who uses the service at least 20 times per day. “My cost is kept down and the convenience is unparalleled.”

Long distance calls will be surcharged 15% during slow times and 20% during peak season. A proposition is in the wings wherein a further 1% sales tax might someday pay these costs but for now it falls to the individual consumer.

“This is nothing less than a sociological Quantum Leap,” continued Toole. “Any community that does not get on the bandwagon is missing the boat.” 

– Estelle Marmotbreath

Saint Roscoe Appears at Blue Mesa

(Gunnison) Saint Roscoe, the patron of recreational vehicles, reportedly dropped in on some unsuspecting campers on the shores of Blue Mesa yesterday. Dressed in the sky blue leisure suit that has become his trademark, Roscoe called for the creation of an autonomous state where summer would last all year long and gasoline would sell for 15 cents per gallon.

     He also urged RV manufacturers to build bigger and better vehicles and for toy poodles to be recognized as minor deities and respected as such.

     After promising to return, he disappeared.

     Readers may recall that Saint Roscoe has made several house calls to Colorado casinos and bingo halls over the past few years. His message remains a constant one of chronic consumption.

     “We are spending the planet’s inheritance,” he has often said.

     Parapsychologists remain baffled as to any explanation for these sightings but agree that the special effects are quite impressive.

     “It reminds me of a Wayne Newton concert,” said one scientist, “with the exception that Roscoe is some 30 pounds lighter than the `Newt.'”

You need us

Calvin, Locke and Cromwell, attys at law Experienced and deadly. “No heart. No soul. No tolerance”Habla espanol 

You’re just mad because my sunglasses cost more than your car.”

– Small Mouth Bess at Cannes