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Autumn still high fire danger zone

Autumn still high fire danger zone

These. firemen knew that they weren’t out of the woods yet with regard to fires in and out of town. Some of Western Colorado’s worse blazes have come in the fall when people are in the woods preparing for winter and perfect daytime temperatures linger.

Early Swimming Lessons No Help with Bed Wetting say Docs

Ridgway, CO —  Yellow River Press – September, 2023

     Enrolling toddlers in swimming programs will do little or nothing to relieve the symptoms of bed wetting say physicians at Mao Clinic here. Although the associations are clear and the links are obvious, submerging little children in water in the morning won’t help them make it through the night.

     Staying dry in bed and getting wet in the pool have no connection. Often children wet the bed due to juvenile traumas that increase with guilt and fear of repetition. Most will grow out of the behavior and should not be pressured.

     “Our kids turn out to be great swimmers,” said Coach Eddie Dunkie Edwards of the Montrose Catfish. “We have never considered any other therapy that may be going on in the pool. Bed-wetting has never been an issue, even with the younger swimmers. Besides, how would we know if the condition was present? Everybody’s soaked here.”

     The origin of this kind of thinking has never been clear. Pediatricians remain guarded about any positives that may emerge due to socialization and sleeping structure, or even the affects of cold water on the developing human body.

     “Coincidental solutions are valid,” said one medical researcher. “But we can’t rely on them. The rule of thumb here is prevention. Water intake before bed and monitoring can help. Keep the patient in a cool and dry place. Apply behavior modification. Swimming lessons, like flying lessons, salsa lessons or cooking lessons will do little to lessen bed-wetting.

– Tommy Middlefinger


Immaculate Conception a Daily Occurrence by 2028?

(Vatican City) In a shocking departure from accepted Church doctrine, Congolese Cardinal Vance Van Boope today told the faithful that immaculate conception would be commonplace in a few years and within the grasp of the poor before the end of the decade.

     The process on impregnation without intimacy, for centuries reserved only for the mother of Jesus Christ, may very well change the status of parents and birth control within the hierarchy of the Roman Church. The recognition of whispered ideology as a part of the mainstream is clearly a breakthrough in theology and the application of the Commandments.

     “The power of positive thinking can achieve great things,” said Van Boope, “but I think we’re still operating backwards since overpopulation and not methodology is the chronic problem on the planet. In short, it is not important how the egg is fertilized but that another new soul is on the way to a social system that is failing to support its client-based family tree. Genetics can be heartless. Physical laws cannot be ignored.”

     The expansion of infallibility, stamped with the Papal Imprimatur, came during a break in the fighting which has claimed millions of lives in the mineral-rich Congo since 1990. Gold-soaked warlords trade away the country’s future for sophisticated weapons while child soldiers hump the bush and peasants starve in refugee camps, often ignored by the rest of the world.

     “The new explanations do not excuse anyone from responsibility as parents or overshadow existing moral standards,” said Van Boope. 

     The action is seen by secular thinkers as an attempt to relax certain long-held beliefs that have become inconsequential and juvenile. 

     “It is our attempt to counsel our congregations by separating fantasy from reality yet holding tight to the reins,” said the Cardinal. – St. Roscoe of Preakness 

“These presidential ninnies should stick to throwing out baseballs and leave the important matters to serious people.” – Gore Vidal

Cattle Truck Tours in Hot Water Again

Cattle Truck Tours in Hot Water Again

(Ouray) A local company offering “authentic cattle truck tours” of the Uncompahgre Valley has been called onto the carpet again this year due to what civic leaders are calling fraud, misrepresentation and bad taste.

A throng of detractors from both the public and private sector say Melvin’s Cattle Tours Ltd. has breached the thin line between what is entertaining and what is deplorable.

“This is the prototype of bad tourism,” said a chamber source. “It’s not in keeping with the image that we are trying so very hard to project for the summer season.”

Unconfirmed insiders went on to suggest that the operation, owned by unidentified residents in Elk Meadows, creates an extremely bad precedence, ridicules the cattle industry and demeans innocent tourists out for some good clean, albeit expensive,  fun. A mounting contingent of critics say hauling tourists around the mountains inside a cattle truck is unsavory enough on its own, but when coupled with the poor driving and bad judgment, common to the rogue  accompanyment of a derelict staff of reckless drivers, the sojourn becomes downright dangerous.

Stopping short of banning what Toole calls “See The Mountains Like the Cows See Them”, the concerned citizens say they hope the proprietor will quit his bovine adventures voluntarily, adopting a more civilized method of making a living.

     “Maybe he could arrange jeep tours, offer sky diving or open an art gallery,” said one county commissar. “We can never have enough beauty parlors.”

Following a plethora of 2022 complaints relating to the condition of the cattle trucks and the bullying of passengers by drivers, the city has considered pulling Toole’s license. Last year hordes of angry visitors, feeling gouged by the $150 hourly fee, formed a constant parade through both the chamber and the mayor’s office.

When contacted at his international headquarters (nothing more than a henway corrugated bindle shift sans pinchbeck depository) Toole said he didn’t care if the authorities pulled his license since he never really wanted the thing in the first place. 

“I can just get me another one of those licenses up in Silverton for about ten bucks,” he blasted. “Now there’s a town that’s commerce friendly. This is America!” he raved on, “or at least it used to be. I will not be intimidated by this bureaucratic schlock, no sireeee. When the tourists hit I’ll be a-waitin’. Hell, I might even arrange to pick some of them up when they arrive at the airport.” 

– Fred Zeppelin

Western to host winter semester in Mexico

(Gunnison) In what comes as quite a relief to some, Western State University today announced that it would conduct all business, scholastic and otherwise from Guadalajara, Mexico this winter. This means that all undergraduate students, signed up for the regular academic year will be taking classes in a semi-tropical environment rather than in the normal confines of sub-zero weather. 

     The plan, an out-the-door bit of marketing concept credited to a local middle school marketing class. Enrollment up 40% since the announcement of the academic relocation. In addition to their studies students will visit beaches, mountains, ruins and Mexico’s legitimate tequila bottling plants nearby the city of 7 million. Spanish majors will be given preference in housing while others will undergo a crash course in the language this fall. Most will live in cobertizos, designed to look like student/livestock  housing sheds back in Gunnison, so as to give the kids a sense of familiarity with their new surroundings. More than 3000 trailers could be hauled in but they won’t.

     “The program is a lot like Crested Butte’s Free Ski promotion except that it has nothing to do with skiing and isn’t free,” said one excited sophomore who hopes to study Mariachi music, an art form originating in Guadalajara, and go on to marry Alejandro Gardel, a famous Mexican soap opera star.

     Critics of the program point to economic hardships caused by the restructuring both here and within the families of WSC students. In addition they insist that ski season will be missed.

     “We have already canceled winter break with the second (winter) semester beginning the Monday following Thanksgiving,” said an administrator of some regard.”They’ll all be back by March if the buses hold up.”

– Signelle de Bushe

Farmers Market Busted in Human Trafficking Sting

(Montrose) A local farmer’s market has been put on probation after evidence of human trafficking was discovered over the weekend. According to a preliminary police report, the long respected agricultural peddlers have been selling actual farmers (as the name certainly suggests) right along with the parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme.

     Although no one has come forward to verify these accusations it appears clear that some monkey business has been going on. Undercover agents attempting to buy tomatoes this morning were allegedly asked “You wanna squeeze something a bit more substantial?” and “Spend another $50 and we’ll throw in Old MacDonald too.”

     One scandalized resident said she was stunned by the disclosures.

     “See,” she glared, “it starts with the organic communist crap and gets worse and worse. It’s all that Woody Guthrie’s fault for writing songs to the sharecroppers. Gave ’em notions. As if peaches, apples and celery weren’t enough…”

     Insiders say the market brought $2000 for the younger farmers and as little as $35 for the elderly, despite their uncanny experience and willingness to work in the sun for 16-hour days.

     “That’s a pretty good price,” said one bean counter, “if one can simply get over the moral implications of kidnapping, forced labor and false imprisonment we’d be home free. Many of us still believe that it is never right to hold people against their will even if the melons are ripe.”

     Aristocrats behind the attempts to intertwine dependency into the fabric of agriculture say the arrangement is temporary at any level and definitely at the experimental stage. 

     Another man told us that the whole thing is just another attempt to horse-collar private enterprise.

     “What’s all this atwitter about?” he scowled. “It’s been going on over in Utah for decades.”                     – Jiminy Crow

Bronco Line to answer questions in Canadian

(Denver) In response to a league ruling ordering them to speak to reporters, no matter how beef-witted the questions, the newly rebuilt Denver Bronco offensive line will converse publicly in Canadian throughout the 2023-2024 season. In a departure from past years, when Bronco lineman chose to glare at sportswriters in lieu of even the slightest response the entente is seen as an attempt to placate the NFL without selling out.

     Athletes all over the league have been threatened with fines if they do not comply with league assertions and cooperate fully with the talking heads, who represent the first wave of media dollars targeting franchise owners.

     Several Colorado Avalanche players have been pressed into service tutoring the linemen as to the proper vernacular of the Canadian tongue.

     “We beat the hell out of each other out on the ice,” said one Avalanche wingman who demanded animosity, “but if one of us so much as brushes a ref it’s two minutes in the penalty box. I think if the sportswriters were a little more knowledgeable and a little less robotic and opinionated this whole matter never would have come up. Why should professional athletes been coerced into talking to with these parrots? Isn’t there enough noise on the planet already?”

– Rocky Flats

Novel written without verbs

(Ouray) A newly released thriller by Melvin B. Toole may be, as critics say, slow and inconceivable, but it is certainly original, at least in format. “Cherub Bait”, (Testosterone Brothers Publishing) is the first novel to be completed without one, single verb in the text.

     The task, which took the first-time writer over 30 years to complete, grew out of an obsession with tranquillity and motionless embraced while orbiting in outer space in 1973. Back then, when there were more manned spacecraft than cell phones, a person could go weeks engaged in subtle bliss and days without moving at all.

     Cherub Bait, sometimes forcefully always  in a mellifluous air, defends “the ambivalent lard asses of our time” repeatedly calling them the “knights of indolence” while laughing at modern day man caught up in his rush to get ahead.

     “There is not much action,” said one critic, but the posture is eloquent in its own clearly disturbed way. To call it sluggish would be an insult to the entire slimy genus of terrestrial gastropod mollusks.

– Alfalfana Romero


(Montrose) President Joe Biden today ceded control of most of the southern and middle of the United States to China so as to satisfy interest payments on outstanding loans and avoid financial default. According to reliable Republican sources here, the transfers will go into affect on July 5 so as not to interfere with Fourth of July parades and fireworks the day before.

     The area effected includes all territory from Florida to Texas and from Indiana to Oklahoma, as well as Wyoming, Idaho, Utah and Montana. Residents there will have until July 31 to vacate the premises or swear allegiance to China.

     “We hated to give up North Carolina, Montana and Florida since those states may well vote Democratic in coming elections,” said an Administration spokesperson. 

     The decision to give away half of the United States came after the Chinese called in a series of debts relating to trade imbalances and “egg roll diplomacy” said White House.

     “You won’t read this in the papers,” said the GOP source. “Biden has made sure of that. He has pissed away the Confederacy!”

     Alluding to the reputed deep state, the more transparent liberal media and the lies circulated by progressives, he went on to say that Red China is now “a sad shade more red than before”.

     “At least the Chinese restaurants might improve,” he frowned. “They have certainly gone downhill under this administration.”

For a related story see 

“Colorado Meth Alley Counties Volunteer to Join Red States in Gerrymandering Blitzkrieg”

on page 45