All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category
A Pinch of Spring – Andalusia in February
If you’re too cheap to turn on the heat then at least close the door. It was chilly here this morning but people are still sitting in the sun sipping coffee and yelling for no good reason. Quickly I discover a throng of old farts here in lovely Arcos de la Frontera methodically watching (as if surprised) the perpetual arrival of another workaday bus from Jerez. They gape in apparent wonder as if the proletariat chariot was a spaceship from Mars. Staring as one as if they have never seen a bus before (12 or more go through their village daily)…Are they expecting the Second Coming?
Spain makes about as much sense as anyhere else, which is not very much.
The day warms and a blend of southern Spain and Africa lies in ambush. Eggs the size of apples, Moorish towers, tiny, winding streets, olives and cheeses, Serrano ham, exceptional breads and deserts, generous pours of brandy and haunting Flamenco. Horse racing on the beach at Sanlucar, futbal and Moroccan hashish in the air all for the price of an typical lunch in any Colorado ski town (without tip).
All is not gold
When bathing in Cordoba, Spain “very be careful” since size is everything you know. Checking in to the exceptional Mezquita Hotel in Cordoba I surveyed a rare treat – a bathtub into which I ensconced my road weary presence. Yes, it was built for an epiphany of tiny kings, not 3 wise men, reveling, knees in the air, in multiple personalities. But after a luxurious soak and a struggle, I realized I was stuck in the tub. The bottom of this once-alluring fettered cistern was also slick as the devil so as to prohibit gravitational efforts at any blueprint for escape. I could not turn in such a way as to remove myself. It was also without politically correct hand rails to leverage an exit from the water. I simply could not eject myself from this tight porcelain cask. Did I feel stupid. No, I blamed the tub. What to do now? After few minutes in the now tepid water I began to yell for help.
After some time had passed the maid knocked on the door to clean the room. I told her to please close her eyes and enter the room. She did so and then called the desk clerk, the maintenance man, an EMP with ropes, two drunks from the bar that claimed to have experience with explosives, the local fire department, a priest and the Civil Guard. When they stopped laughing I was out of the lukewarm drink, wrapped in a sumptuous towel and given a glass of wine. No pictures please.
In the future if I am fortunate enough to find horizontal bathing facilities in my domaine I will bring a measuring tape into the tub with me. But then I will be faced with un-American meters, and maybe even kilos.
Easy Feet to meters conversion
Take # of grandmothers run over in crosswalks in Cadiz, Spain times the average weight of a wharf rat on the Nina and the Pinta in 1493 divided by the years it takes to ferment one barrel of Andalusian sherry, while curing Serrano ham in the window or above the bar. Shake, never stir.
On a sad note: In the interior of this land that so resembles Colorado, many beautiful pueblo blanco communities continue to lose viable population while a whore of mindless tourism wanders the beaches of Costa del Sol, like the ghost of dead kings that were never needed in the first place.
Weekday Exorcisms under $200: Performed by sanctioned Vatican envoy in Ubrique and Bosque, Andalusia.
Drivers of spotless cars will get priority boarding at Heaven’s Gate
(Montrose) Licensed drivers who maintain clean vehicles while on earth could be shepherded into heaven in “an ecclesiastic priority line” if their cars meet stringent cleanliness requirements.
While the faithful will not be allowed to enter paradise with their cars (or guns for that matter) the angels are watching the level of automotive stewardship and compiling dossiers on those deemed worthy of an eternity of bliss.
“Zion, Valhalla or Kingdom Come, no matter how you slice it, provides specific guidelines as to how to champion the spic and span mode, said a gatekeeper. “Some call it an immaculate conception while we see it as pristine and hygienic.”
Almost of us know the promised land reserves the right to withhold or deny services to souls deemed unfit or unrepentant. These folks must run through a car wash or two in places like Purgatory before reapplying for admission to heaven.*
A clean car, according to the heavenly hosts, is one that is washed repeatedly, dried with approved cloth and regularly waxed. Lubricants such as windshield wash and operational fluids must never dip below accepted standards and no trash or scattered tools can be present. Tire pressure and climate control are only considered as a tie-breaker and problems are often overlooked if the transportation is tidy.
Often lambasted for parking restrictions, security personnel remind us of limited parking and a the atrocious system of one-way streets up there.
“Imagine if every soul had a car inside these walls,” said one. “We would all be sitting in traffic for what seems like an eternity. There is no such thing as carte blanche when it comes to witch burnings or inquisitions. We examine every case individually from birth to death. Tips are encouraged.
– Tommy Middlefinger
*Cars are never mentioned in the Christian Bible and only merit remote mention in the Koran and Vedas.
“Quite candidly I see myself as the last person to rely on the introduction of reality to this conversation but fear I must.”
– Fred Zeppelin, speaking to the Canadian Whiskey Symposium.
(Ed note: He was shouted down and caste out of the hall into the new fallen snow.)
Elf Season Expected to have major impact
(Gunnison) The 2025 Elf Season is expected to bring over 5000 hunters into the Gunnison basin over the first two-weeks of March. Despite conflicts over licenses and access to traditional hunting areas, the hunt is expected to have a major economic impact. Revenues collected could leap into the millions allowing residents extra cash with which to live it up or perhaps an escape to warmer climates this spring.
Both the Colorado Treasury and the IRS remind merchants that they are not required to report earnings related to elves since there is no proof that they actually exist. Both taxing agencies went on to wish everyone Good Hunting!
Christmas Planned Again for 2025
(New York) With the final approval of federal and state funding it appears that consumers will again undergo the holiday season next year. As recently as one week ago, with the private sector dragging knuckles on promises to match the assets accrued from a system of floating bonds, things looked bleak.
Supporters of Christmas have been accused of using ancient guilt techniques and playing into fears of impending social disorder in the attempt to raise consciousness and, in turn, money toward the goal. They say that since the holiday has been around so long, it would only follow that it should be preserved both from a religious and a secular approach.
“Without the continued assistance of our state and federal bureaucracies, Christmas would be relegated to the status of say, Thanksgiving or the Fourth of July, at least from an economic viewpoint,” said Melvin Toole, founder and treasurer of Christmas ‘11. “Now we realize that these kinds of holidays are just as important in an esoteric sense but that economically speaking Christmas consistently kicks butt.”
Toole explained that year after year more money is circulated during the holiday season than on all the other holidays combined.
“I don’t care how many bags of charcoal or Butterball turkeys go through the checkout stand at the grocery. That figure,” he smiled, “does not even come close to the money spent on worthless junk during the Yuletide. In addition, people will go without fireworks or cranberry sauce but then Christmas rolls around and the same people adopt an oh what the hell attitude and spend money they may not have.”
Toole thanked the credit card companies, the elevator Christmas carol pushers, the lumber industry, the makers of an assortment of pine sprays, the weather, the replacement Christmas light bulb concerns, Charles Schultz, the wrapping paper giants, the clever card writers union, Bing Crosby and Belle, his wife of 133 years, for his recent ascension to greatness in the field of Christmas marketing concepts.
Although the exact amount of money needed to pull off Christmas next year has not been disclosed, conjecture has it that it is a whole lot more than was needed for Christmas 2024.
“It’s just more expensive to pull off than back in the Fifties,” harped Toole. “Why, insurance on Santa’s sleigh, reindeer rights, elf unions and the type of presents coveted by little kids puts the fiscal motion of the celebration into outer space. Do people really think that just because Christmas is sacred that it can side-step reality? It’s a business, son. Nothing more and nothing less, at least from our perspective,” he frowned.
Toole added that Christmas ’25 would kick off on or about Thanksgiving Weekend and run through December, culminating on December 25, with the following week dedicated to getting over the entire experience in time for a New Year’s celebration.
“We hope to hold New Year’s on January 1 again so as to be in compliance with all the calendars printed in August,” he said.
– Al K. Hall
Do People drink more during Daylight Savings Time?
Does Daylight Savings encourage more imbibing? “Over the years my aunt Ebaneezer became an alcoholic just so some iron worker didn’t have to go to work in the cold and dark. Is it easier to slam a few shots in the dark at 6 pm than to embrace breakfast cylinders or a whiskey omelet at sunrise. We’re sure to find out herein.
Spring forward…Fall down?
People concerned should simply adjust their drinking schedules by an hour. For example: If you crack open a beer at 6 am in July you should do the same at 5 am in January** or until the nation gets off Roosevelt’s Time and returns to Mother Nature.
Remember summer? People out on the porch drinking away the solstice Just One More while marveling at the long days “I can’t believe it’s still light at 9:10.* Pass me that whiskey jar.”
On a related subject, yes, Slamming a beer in 4 degree temperature is not the same as slamming one at 90. It’s the same when one knocks down a brew. The afternoon beats the morning, unless perhaps the hops enthusiast started at daybreak (an hour later than normal anyway).
If you have completed the Colorado Drinkers’ Questionnaire or the 9-week approved class on bartending ignore the last paragraph.
Still confused? Try this handy formula
X/Y = ^ {678* x 876 </% – current consumption w/xyz and see what you get. Be sure to stock up on ice even in the winter months in case the crick don’t freeze.
Liquor store receipts are still up year round but may soon be affected if the monopoly beasts Kroger and Wal-mart are allowed to sell spirits They already sell beer and wine, gasoline and sushi, Starbucks and legal drugs much the the detriment of locally owned liquor stores and other tax-paying businesses. Just one more bitter brandy and the cold shoulder by gov’ment agencies created to protect the citizenry from from these kinds of corporate excesses. Oh yeah. You betcha.
*This shouldn’t come as a surprise. It was light at 9:10 on this same date last year unless Daylight Savings Time is cast to the wolves and politicians.
**Dark earlier extends cocktail hour unless there is no extension or termination
References:
Breakfast Cereals That Contain Alcohol by Pepper Salte, Testosterone Brothers, Boston.
Closet Sippers and Patio Crooners, Karaoke in the New World Sexuality, from Catharsis and Calamity on the Frontier by Uncle Pahgre, Eat Pets Publishing, Springfield, Ohio
“That man from New Iberia pass by, you know, the skinny ya ya, and ate 13 bowls of my mama’s shrimp gumbo then had the noive to ax fo’ mo’, fo’ ‘dem ‘cross the bayou. We won’t have no mo a dat.”
– Marceaux “Buddy” Fontenot,
Woods Nymphs Need Winter Clothing
(Gunnison) Some four hundred woods nymphs that call the Gunnison Valley home are in dire straits due to the lack of warm clothing it was disclosed today. With the arrival of winter, the often scantily dressed, decadent nymphs remain at risk due to nighttime temperatures dipping down to well below zero. Flimsy, worn out wardrobes, lack of firewood and dwindling food supplies further complicate this grave matter.
Some forest nymphs are without shoes.
The nymphs, usually associated with sensuous mid-summer evenings and erotic flings with such notables as Pan and Bacchus, are out of their element when the cold winds blow. Experts are in dismay as to why they don’t simply fly south and avoid the weather.
“Not only are these nymphs procrastinators but they are damn stubborn too,” said Dr. Efram Pennywhistle, Director of Faeries and Wild Things at Western State Colorado University here. “They are all a bunch of slackers. They love to watch us from the cover of the forest and are obsessed with the doings of humans. They mimmic us to the tee yet run away when approached.”
The nymphs, descendants of fallen angels and rising pucas, have been the object of male curiosity since the 1800s. Rarely observed, except on perfect summer evenings, the nymphs have seen their numbers depleted over the past 50 years due to pollution and human expansion.
The summers in Gunnison, often interfaced with paradise, offer a heavenly trance and plenty of sunshine. Wood nymphs do not do well in exceedingly hot climates or the dry, windy elements of the Colorado Plateau or the Confront Range.
“If you are lucky enough to see one of these faeries avoid obvious flirtation and do not attempt to catch one since they will not survive in captivity,” said Pennywhistle.
Anyone interested in donating cold weather gear and clothing should bring it to the WSCU campus clearly marked For The Wood Nymphs so that it doesn’t fall into the hands of anti-fashion conscious students or other less needy segments of society. Keep in mind that loose fitting garments work best since they more effectively account for wing span, wiggles and layering.
– Sergio Jingles
