All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category

ECONOMY MOSTLY CLOUDY FOR NEXT FEW DAYS

Financial skies were mostly overcast over much of the nation today. Scattered insufficient funds hung over parts of the South while interest rates pelted the Pacific Northwest.

     Cooler investments and scattered stock options continue to plague the East with showers likely on Wall Street before closing. A cold front will push across the Midwest and collide with an upswing in retail sales before the weekend as an inflation will cause gusty winds in the foot hills of the Rockies. Nonetheless consumers can expect to get soaked.

     Meanwhile indoors the climate will remain constant with a persistent dry recovery rumored by Memorial Day when winds will reach unbelievable proportions again. Highs today were predicted on both the New York and American Stock Exchanges and at elevations over 10,000 feet. Across the central third of the nation it will remain flat with periods of incredible boredom persistent through the early evening. An imbalance will surface during the night due to a high pressure system arriving from the Common Market and a bothersome Japanese current.

     Bold face quotations include “Tie down the horses! It’s a twister!” and “Only fools and tourists try to predict stock index futures”. Supply-side global warming is sure to cause major deficits in annual snow-pack but six-packs of northerly moisture brewing in Canada could alleviate the situation for a few days.    

-Pepper Salte

State to burn excess run-off

(Denver) Due to seasonal moisture this spring state officials will begin burning excess run-off as early as next week, according to an unreliable spokesperson here. The controlled burns would be centered on areas of excess water depth including defiant snow fields, permanent wetlands and alpine swampy regions thought to be the source of great rivers.

     Man-made reservoirs will most likely be exempt from the flames since most are tied up in use litigation or remain under the jurisdiction of municipal ownership.

     “What we want to avoid here is summer flooding when all that snow decides to come rushing down the mountain,” said one Front Range ditch rider. We’ll be confiscating Rocky Mountain spring water, un-seeding clouds and condemning mountain lakes that were nowhere to be seen last summer.”

     Ponds used for agriculture, illegal estuaries and backyard swimming pools will receive no quarter in this latest attempt to divert nature.

     Officials in Arapahoe County expressed dismay that the run-off would have to be destroyed saying that they have a right to the water since it is not currently employed in industry or agriculture.

     “If we had even half the water earmarked for burning we could build thousands of new houses connected by miles of highways going nowhere,” said one local politician.

     Desert states served by Colorado River basin water will have until early June to fill toilet tanks and hot tubs before their once burgeoning sources are cut off.

     “Then comes the part where we turn off the Big Faucet and watch desert lawns turn to dust,” said one Colorado Water Board spokesman. “It ain’t pretty no matter how high the air conditioner is set.”

     Skeptics of the plan say there is no way the state can effectively burn water. In addition they say the water would be better dumped into the ocean than ignited. Proponents of the controlled burn say the targeted water will be flammable enough after the introduction of so many combustible chemicals.

     “We’re doing our level-headed best to keep these ignitable additives out of the ground water but, frankly, we won’t know much until we can accumulate valid feedback from citizens,” said one water wizard. “Insofar as pouring the water into the ocean, that would be am expensive proposal and besides, nobody’s bothered to ask the fish.”

–  Gabby Haze

Melania in Greenland?

Ultra-reclusive First Lady Melania Trump has allegedly been spotted departing from 46-foot Nordhavn flybridge trawler here on the coast of the world’s largest island. The unconfirmed  disembarking is said to have occurred in the vicinity of Nuuk, on the southwest coast of the autonomous nation of Greenland.

It has not been officially confirmed that Ms. Trump is in Greenland as an official emissary of the United States or if she simply needed to get away from the demanding duties of her role (read husband) Likewise it was not clear who, if anyone, may have accompanied her to the arctic destination or how long she plans to stay.

Calls to the White House have yet to net any response leading Trump-appointed marriage counselors to clam up on the speculative trip. Rumors have circulated of late suggesting that life may not be so sweet on the second floor master bedroom.

Cynics were quick to surmise that Melania is simply putting a few sea miles between her and her husband.

“We’re not sure what’s going on but that should not stand in the way of yet another White House drama,” said The Washington Post, which plans to send a reporter to the far north on Tuesday to investigate what it calls undocumented ramblings.

– Pepper Salte

TRUMP CAMP UNPREPARED FOR OVERNIGHT BIVOAC

(Gulf of Mexico News Services) Trump Camp 2025, located at a secret somewhere in the Rocky Mountains, is reportedly without provisions, water, tents, matches, flashlights or dry firewood. The more than 100 billionaires guests may also be stranded at civilized locales due to transportation limits and poor GPS coordinates.

     Early this morning Elon Musk, Senior Advisor to the President, has come to the rescue with a fleet of abandoned Teslas and assorted spacecraft. He, according to aides, is promising regular milk runs to Mars to buy state-of-the-art camping accessories and made-in-America cows to cook on an over a pyrite grill on a synthetic fire.

     Musk plans to fire the Democrats in the House and Senate, blaming them for poor planning and shortages in the forest. When informed that they were elected officials and not gov’ment employees he smirked, “Not for long.”

     “We’re not mentioning anyone by name but certain South African oligarchs have always been the pill in the pound cake, said one of several immigrant caddies pressed into service for the the three-day event. Refusing to elaborate the outdoor steward suggested burning and eating cryptocurrency and drinking low-cal petroleum until rescued.

     White House staffers were quick to deny that the camping snafu had any connection to an announcement that First Lady Melania Trump has relocated to Nuuk, Greenland due to security concerns in the United States. Her long expected exit from the day to day doings of the Trump family has been in the headlines since her orange-haired husband’s Inauguration in January.

     Meanwhile Vice President J.D. Vance was  “shocked” by the move but did not respond to requests for verification Friday. He is remembered fondly for his unwelcome visit to Greenland last winter and especially for his bold ascertain that it was cold there and that nobody had informed him of the island’s climate.

– Fred Zeppelin

World Profanity Finals Set for September

(Montrose) The prestigious World Finals of the International Profanity Championships will be held on the Uncompahgre Plateau this fall. The contest, expected to draw nearly 6000 participants, has been purposely staged in a remote spot far from little ears according to sponsors.

     This year’s theme “blasphemy comes from the grandest places” centers on idiomatic origins and ethnic diversion. Phrases, as usual, count for more than one-word utterances while nouns and adjectives demand a higher status than adverbs and prepositions.

     Gerunds, verbs functioning as ing nouns, will once again qualify in pole position. Creative blends of familiar lewdness remain in contention for honorable mention laurels.

     One-syllable and multi-syllable categories will be included in what promises to be a creative time for all. Newly recognized bad words are acceptable entries so long as they exhibit logic, frustration, humor or a bona fide history.

     A blue bonfire, into which attendees can throw all anal-retentive computer passwords collected over the past few years, will follow the contests.

-Uncle Pahgre

Gluttony Replacing Travel in US

(Grand Junction) Eating to excess is slowly replacing the desire to travel according to statistics compiled by the US Department of Health and Aimless Wandering. In January more than 52% of those tested gained weight while only 23% had the huevos to get on an airplane.

     “It’s just that it’s easier to buy a package of Twinkies or eat at fast food emporium than it is to go anywhere,” said Melvin Toolski of the federal agency.”

     Toolski added that most people become disoriented when faced with packing for even a short trip while what he called Tar Baby Security at the nation’s airports has made air travel all but impractical.

     “And this is not some cheap joke about airline food either,” he quipped.

POLKA, OLIVE OIL LIFE ENHANCING

(Gunnison) People who regularly dance the polka and consume olive oil will live longer says a study conducted at Western State College here. The almost alarming results come as no surprise and the future  painfully clear: We need more polka bands and need to plant and cultivate healthy high-altitude olive trees along with the more traditional crops.

     Researchers agree that long life expectancy in polka-friendly segments of Eastern Europe confirms their findings. They add that people in the Mediterranean region, whose diet is all but synonymous with olive consumption often live beyond the age of 100. Low stress was also factored in to the formula.