All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category

TRUMP CAMP UNPREPARED FOR OVERNIGHT BIVOAC

(Gulf of Mexico News Services) Trump Camp 2025, located at a secret somewhere in the Rocky Mountains, is reportedly without provisions, water, tents, matches, flashlights or dry firewood. The more than 100 billionaires guests may also be stranded at civilized locales due to transportation limits and poor GPS coordinates.

     Early this morning Elon Musk, Senior Advisor to the President, has come to the rescue with a fleet of abandoned Teslas and assorted spacecraft. He, according to aides, is promising regular milk runs to Mars to buy state-of-the-art camping accessories and made-in-America cows to cook on an over a pyrite grill on a synthetic fire.

     Musk plans to fire the Democrats in the House and Senate, blaming them for poor planning and shortages in the forest. When informed that they were elected officials and not gov’ment employees he smirked, “Not for long.”

     “We’re not mentioning anyone by name but certain South African oligarchs have always been the pill in the pound cake, said one of several immigrant caddies pressed into service for the the three-day event. Refusing to elaborate the outdoor steward suggested burning and eating cryptocurrency and drinking low-cal petroleum until rescued.

     White House staffers were quick to deny that the camping snafu had any connection to an announcement that First Lady Melania Trump has relocated to Nuuk, Greenland due to security concerns in the United States. Her long expected exit from the day to day doings of the Trump family has been in the headlines since her orange-haired husband’s Inauguration in January.

     Meanwhile Vice President J.D. Vance was  “shocked” by the move but did not respond to requests for verification Friday. He is remembered fondly for his unwelcome visit to Greenland last winter and especially for his bold ascertain that it was cold there and that nobody had informed him of the island’s climate.

– Fred Zeppelin

World Profanity Finals Set for September

(Montrose) The prestigious World Finals of the International Profanity Championships will be held on the Uncompahgre Plateau this fall. The contest, expected to draw nearly 6000 participants, has been purposely staged in a remote spot far from little ears according to sponsors.

     This year’s theme “blasphemy comes from the grandest places” centers on idiomatic origins and ethnic diversion. Phrases, as usual, count for more than one-word utterances while nouns and adjectives demand a higher status than adverbs and prepositions.

     Gerunds, verbs functioning as ing nouns, will once again qualify in pole position. Creative blends of familiar lewdness remain in contention for honorable mention laurels.

     One-syllable and multi-syllable categories will be included in what promises to be a creative time for all. Newly recognized bad words are acceptable entries so long as they exhibit logic, frustration, humor or a bona fide history.

     A blue bonfire, into which attendees can throw all anal-retentive computer passwords collected over the past few years, will follow the contests.

-Uncle Pahgre

Gluttony Replacing Travel in US

(Grand Junction) Eating to excess is slowly replacing the desire to travel according to statistics compiled by the US Department of Health and Aimless Wandering. In January more than 52% of those tested gained weight while only 23% had the huevos to get on an airplane.

     “It’s just that it’s easier to buy a package of Twinkies or eat at fast food emporium than it is to go anywhere,” said Melvin Toolski of the federal agency.”

     Toolski added that most people become disoriented when faced with packing for even a short trip while what he called Tar Baby Security at the nation’s airports has made air travel all but impractical.

     “And this is not some cheap joke about airline food either,” he quipped.

POLKA, OLIVE OIL LIFE ENHANCING

(Gunnison) People who regularly dance the polka and consume olive oil will live longer says a study conducted at Western State College here. The almost alarming results come as no surprise and the future  painfully clear: We need more polka bands and need to plant and cultivate healthy high-altitude olive trees along with the more traditional crops.

     Researchers agree that long life expectancy in polka-friendly segments of Eastern Europe confirms their findings. They add that people in the Mediterranean region, whose diet is all but synonymous with olive consumption often live beyond the age of 100. Low stress was also factored in to the formula.

Rockies Pull Goalie

(Denver) The Colorado Rockies announced today that they will play the remainder of the season with an open net. In a radical departure from tradition, the team will rely on quick aggressive play in lieu of the unattended goal at the other end of the diamond.

“This is only phase one of our plans to revamp the club and mold a winner,” said an unidentified source in the front office of the National League basement dwelling franchise.

“We feel the team has a better chance to win games with five infielders than with the traditional four and a goalie. Most goalies represent a late inning save, a concept foreign to the Blake Street Bummers. He only get in on 40% of the action while a good backup at shortstop can make or break you.

“Modern professional sports demand hard decisions and constant change, even trading off budding stars to save money,” he explained.

“First we dumped popular players because we thought they were getting old and that we needed to concentrate on pitching,” he explained. “That didn’t work even though we sold the farm for several starting pitchers. Then we discovered speed and defense but still lost a lot of games by a run or two.”

Although the season looks a lot like last year, the team is making money and is easily under the salary cap. Populating the outfield with also-rans and beefing up the relief staff with the cast-offs from other clubs often looks good on ledgers but not from the stands.

“Rather than building team chemistry and relying on a solid farm system to provide talent,  the Rockies appear to be playing catchup and may have to go shopping again to avoid a complete embarrassment in 2025. The owners have reached their credit limit, at least where their fans are concerned,” offered former Rocky, Manny Taggmiotte, who is doing ten to twenty in the Dominican Republic for stealing bases during winter league play in 2023.

“Sure we know it’s tough to pitch at Coors Field but what’s wrong with winning games 10-9? The weather is great and the ball flies right out of the place. Considering the attention span of most modern day fans a pitcher’s battle just isn’t that entertaining.”

The team travels to Saint Louis for the start of a three-game series Friday. It will be interesting to see if the new approach will fly with the high scoring Red Birds or if anyone will even notice.

“It makes me nervous playing without a goalie,” said one infielder, “but I guess these are desperate times and we’re tired of being in the basement at the All-Star break. But what the hell, tomorrow’s pay day again.” – Rocky Flats

AMERICAN ASTERISKS OPENS IN MONTROSE

(Kinikin Heights) The announcement that American Asterisks will set up shop near Montrose has brought joy to the hearts of many residents after a long, harsh winter.

     The massive plant, not a result of any bumbling committees or clueless councils of economic development, brings 40 new jobs at good wages say spokespersons for the information technology firm.

     “Now the public can get asterisked without traveling all the way to Durango,” said a source at American Asterisks. “Convenience and low prices are our mantra.”

     Historically the asterisk has stood for omitted matter or an annotation of some regard. Persons wishing to assume that distinction can simply apply for an asterisk next to their name then pick it up in 10 – 20 working days. The symbol can then be linked to phone numbers, mindless passwords and even one’s Sociable Security card for no apparent reason.

     “Our company’s well-won slogan: “Separating the insignificant from the insignificant” is alive and well in Western Colorado,” said the spokesperson. Persons looking for our facility should turn right on Question Mark Place, and then a hard left at Hyphen Road and another on Apostrophe Terrace. We are located at the giant question mark at 86 Semi Colon Boulevard.

– Kashmir Horseshoe

Boogeyman Gets Chair

(Nightmare Chronicles) The infamous Boogeyman, the nemesis of every child at bedtime for decades, has been executed according to a copyright story in Bars and Stripes, a correctional industry mouthpiece. The unrepentant hobgoblin was in good spirits according to eyewitnesses, as he arrived at his last roundup at approximately 4:16 am Thursday.

     He is believed to be the only character, cartoon or otherwise, to have expired within these pages in 40 years of publication.

     Sources within the penal system confirmed reports that the Boogeyman refused the traditional blindfold so that he might “lock eyes with his executioner” at the time of his demise. He also refused a cigarette for health reasons, it was disclosed. All bereavements and condolences (if there should be any) should be directed to the Nightmare House, a rest home for retired fiends, monsters, demons and really big spiders.

     Survived by close associates Ms. Bugaboo, Mr. Spook and the Your Own Shadow Brothers, he is best remembered for creating unfounded fear in the hearts of children. His habit of hiding behind drapes, lurking in closets and under beds has to be considered the classic fright meter of the century!

     Although gone, it is unlikely that he will be forgotten.

     Many rejoiced after a gubernatorial reprieve was denied on Wednesday, while the Boogeyman’s enthusiastic supporters called for “the closing of all abortion clinics and the construction of more prisons lickety-split.”

     Meanwhile the shadow governor was last seen exploring the dark, dreary dungeons of his mansion on the hill. It is common knowledge at the state house that he has not ventured into those cellars since his election in 2002.

– Bunny Trimble

“If you’re going to make an empire you have to break some legs.”

– Col. Wormwood Omelet, Manila, 1901.