All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category
Happy 86th Birthday Tuck!
This 86-year-old Crested Butte man credits his longevity to black powder rendezvous, rum, trap lines and the prevalence of yoga pants in our culture. The caved-in cabin in the photo was a former residence in the 70s.
Black Bear Have Right to Eat Hikers says Supreme Quart
(Washington DC) The nation’s highest court today decided in favor of bears over humans when it comes to dining manners and culinary survival in the forest. Voting unanimously in favor of Black Bear, Alaskan Browns, Grizzlies and Polar Bear the justices handed down the determination with little fanfare despite a barrage of media attention attached to what many are calling a bloodless coup.
It was a dazzling victory for the bruins who, although always hungry, prefer other delicacies such as honey, berries and the rotting carcasses of cows buried to sel in the flavor for down the road feasts. Despite a sad status down the food chain humans remain as potential meals on the run since they are often slower and less evasive than other game.
Controversies such as this one, classified as domestic in nature, are often blamed for slowing down the judicial system, leaving more pressing matters to take a back seat in an already backlogged system. The bear question, however has been on the docket for over three months and, with human-bear contact season aproaching, it cried out for answers.
The ruling is aimed at clearing up misinformation and presumptions long held by people recreating within the vast domain of bear. It did not undress dangers from mountain lions or moose, two species deemed more aggressive toward traditional habitat.
Most Americans have never even seen a bear much less been eaten by one but the issue made it to the Supreme Court anyway. Experts confirm tht there are more bear in the Rockies than people. Elusive and shy the animals are rarely observed in the wilds unless a hair-raising confrontation develops. People who hope to see a bear up close are often sorry for their wish.
“I guess the verdict is quite important to people who spend a good deal of time out in the woods,” said Al Pine, a wildlife biologist working in the Northern Rockies. “It’s also important to the bear who have been in limbo on the subject for centuries.It’s kind of their Make My Day law.”
Favoring wildlife over humans could open up a whole new can of worms according to Pine.
“If a bear is in the mood to eat someone or some thing he/she will probably not feel more entitled or ethical with legality on their side,” quaffed Pine. ‘He will just chomp.”
Recent lower court opinions protecting Alaskan Browns, Grizzlies and Polar Bears served as precedent in the monumental decision. Urban and high population density districts are more likely to support the legislation than are people living in bear country, co-existing with the protected bruins.
– Small Mouth Bess
ROX Not Deported as Reported
Apology: Many Rockies “were demoted” not deported as yesterday’s sportswriters mistakenly promulgated. This website regrets any confusion, pain or inconvenience, to a dwindling fan base, that may have resulted from our poor “at bat” herein.
Bi-lingual response from baseball operations in Greeley was muted as agents from ICE donned masks and wild pitches for yet another mindless sweep that nets the innocent with the illegal. Perhaps the most notable surprise herein is that not one of the dumped players possesses a Spanish surname.
The furloughed athletes are mostly pitchers and infielders, making way for a radical approach to the remainder of the season: Beginning after the All Star game the team will field one pitcher, one catcher and seven outfielders in an attempt to deprive competitors of a self-described “unfair advantage” that has left the team some 30 games out of first place. Stiff fines will be levied for strikeouts.
Sources say it is unlikely that the moves will spawn lower beer prices at Coors Field.
Keystone refugees, currently housed in so many dugouts, are already on the trading block or are primed to play minor league ball at Albuquerque. Reaction all over the league was disbelief in that a “brash basement dweller” was attempting to so radically change the game of baseball.
From the Rockpile
“We are relieved that our gov’ment is protecting us from the international criminal faction but are thousands of deported babies really perpetrators?” asked Penelope Spotcheque, a retired social worker who now roams the post-game Blake Street bleachers looking for coins and valuables.
“It appears that anyone who even looks Latino is a target of gangs of authorized bullies who continue stumblebum raids and illegal detainments of American citizens. We thought the feds were looking to pinch murderers and rapists. Maybe not, heh?”
Our website, sanjuanhorseshoe.com, takes full responsibility for our journalistic blunder but not for the poor workmanship of a one-dimensional, money-driven, unsportsmanlike front office of 2025 Colorado Rockies.
Let’s lose 120 in 2025!
– Rory Lyons
Don’t forget: This year’s Lodo Homeless Golf Tournament, to be held in Setember, has achieved approval and permission of the Denver City Council. The 2-day event will raise funds toward purchasing the Colorado Rockies Major League franchise in 2026.
ECONOMY MOSTLY CLOUDY FOR NEXT FEW DAYS
Financial skies were mostly overcast over much of the nation today. Scattered insufficient funds hung over parts of the South while interest rates pelted the Pacific Northwest.
Cooler investments and scattered stock options continue to plague the East with showers likely on Wall Street before closing. A cold front will push across the Midwest and collide with an upswing in retail sales before the weekend as an inflation will cause gusty winds in the foot hills of the Rockies. Nonetheless consumers can expect to get soaked.
Meanwhile indoors the climate will remain constant with a persistent dry recovery rumored by Memorial Day when winds will reach unbelievable proportions again. Highs today were predicted on both the New York and American Stock Exchanges and at elevations over 10,000 feet. Across the central third of the nation it will remain flat with periods of incredible boredom persistent through the early evening. An imbalance will surface during the night due to a high pressure system arriving from the Common Market and a bothersome Japanese current.
Bold face quotations include “Tie down the horses! It’s a twister!” and “Only fools and tourists try to predict stock index futures”. Supply-side global warming is sure to cause major deficits in annual snow-pack but six-packs of northerly moisture brewing in Canada could alleviate the situation for a few days.
-Pepper Salte
State to burn excess run-off
(Denver) Due to seasonal moisture this spring state officials will begin burning excess run-off as early as next week, according to an unreliable spokesperson here. The controlled burns would be centered on areas of excess water depth including defiant snow fields, permanent wetlands and alpine swampy regions thought to be the source of great rivers.
Man-made reservoirs will most likely be exempt from the flames since most are tied up in use litigation or remain under the jurisdiction of municipal ownership.
“What we want to avoid here is summer flooding when all that snow decides to come rushing down the mountain,” said one Front Range ditch rider. We’ll be confiscating Rocky Mountain spring water, un-seeding clouds and condemning mountain lakes that were nowhere to be seen last summer.”
Ponds used for agriculture, illegal estuaries and backyard swimming pools will receive no quarter in this latest attempt to divert nature.
Officials in Arapahoe County expressed dismay that the run-off would have to be destroyed saying that they have a right to the water since it is not currently employed in industry or agriculture.
“If we had even half the water earmarked for burning we could build thousands of new houses connected by miles of highways going nowhere,” said one local politician.
Desert states served by Colorado River basin water will have until early June to fill toilet tanks and hot tubs before their once burgeoning sources are cut off.
“Then comes the part where we turn off the Big Faucet and watch desert lawns turn to dust,” said one Colorado Water Board spokesman. “It ain’t pretty no matter how high the air conditioner is set.”
Skeptics of the plan say there is no way the state can effectively burn water. In addition they say the water would be better dumped into the ocean than ignited. Proponents of the controlled burn say the targeted water will be flammable enough after the introduction of so many combustible chemicals.
“We’re doing our level-headed best to keep these ignitable additives out of the ground water but, frankly, we won’t know much until we can accumulate valid feedback from citizens,” said one water wizard. “Insofar as pouring the water into the ocean, that would be am expensive proposal and besides, nobody’s bothered to ask the fish.”
– Gabby Haze
Melania in Greenland?
Ultra-reclusive First Lady Melania Trump has allegedly been spotted departing from 46-foot Nordhavn flybridge trawler here on the coast of the world’s largest island. The unconfirmed disembarking is said to have occurred in the vicinity of Nuuk, on the southwest coast of the autonomous nation of Greenland.
It has not been officially confirmed that Ms. Trump is in Greenland as an official emissary of the United States or if she simply needed to get away from the demanding duties of her role (read husband) Likewise it was not clear who, if anyone, may have accompanied her to the arctic destination or how long she plans to stay.
Calls to the White House have yet to net any response leading Trump-appointed marriage counselors to clam up on the speculative trip. Rumors have circulated of late suggesting that life may not be so sweet on the second floor master bedroom.
Cynics were quick to surmise that Melania is simply putting a few sea miles between her and her husband.
“We’re not sure what’s going on but that should not stand in the way of yet another White House drama,” said The Washington Post, which plans to send a reporter to the far north on Tuesday to investigate what it calls undocumented ramblings.
– Pepper Salte
