All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category
Spiders Gain Three Seats
(Weblander, Desertahara — Arachnid Follies — April 11, 2016)
Western Slope spiders have gained three seats in the Colorado House and may be pushing for a pro-spider senator according to reports crawling and scampering into this cultural center. According to the 2010 Census the state spider population has skyrocketed (23% growth) earning the Arana Party a dramatic increase in representation.
Whispered conversations overheard in dark cellars and crawl spaces all over the Rockies suggests that the eight-legged beasts may be planning to run a populist candidate for the White House in 2016. Spiders have for centuries suffered from a severe public relations problem: Humans tend to squash them whenever they enter homes of places of business.
The arachnids hope that their higher visibility in the capital will present their plight in a better light and press for full autonomy. Attempts to ally themselves with insect splinter groups have failed miserably due to spider arrogance and the dance of the current food chain.
“In closing, we would like to remind allies and potential allies that we are not insects,” said one organizer.
-Boogey Tuesday
People Who Live on Dirt Roads Happier
Rio Sucio, Colombia Limpia Days April 3, 2016
Persons who reside on dirt roads are generally well adjusted and endowed with a keen ability to deal with life when compared with their fellows who dwell on asphalt.
According to an extensive study the data spreads evenly when applied to groups as seemingly distinct as Western Coloradoans and persons living in what is rudely and routinely referred to as the Third World.
The initial research, conducted by a Psychology 101 class at Western State University, has been entered as evidence that what looks like progress is not always beneficial to man. Follow-up tests could not conclusively determine if the proverbial state of bliss, often present in the lives of dirt road folk, is due to dust particles or a low-stress level.
Since February students have interviewed over 1000 residents from Gunnison to Norwood. At present they are bivouacked in front of the Redvale Post Office, acknowledged gateway to the world’s longest stretch of unpaved highway which rings the planet just north of the 38th Parallel, intersects the Silk Road, scales the Himalayas and winds it way back into the Wright Fellowship Church parking lot just west of the now defunct Bob’s Paving and Small Engine Repair.
– Mario Swervo
Most Trump Supporters Cannot Pass Citizenship Test
(Goodenough Gulch) Despite calling for stricter immigration laws, 72% of Trump supporters petitioned could not pass a basic US Citizenship Exam. Pollsters from both sides of the political fence fear that the findings represent the latest chapter in The Dumbing of America, which will not be televised.
New arrivals and those who have applied for citizenship constantly score higher than the above-mentioned Hee Haw Constituency even though language and cultural barriers are substantial.
“These cerebral eunuchs, the Trump enthusiasts, have had the opportunity to educate themselves but would rather be stupid,” says one behavioral support group. “Stupid is easier and does require much. It’s the herd mentality disguised as some sort of mistaken sense of freedom.”
The Trump group did poorly in English, history, geography and science while showing little mastery of math and Constitutional law. Most would fail the entrance exams by over 50 points despite having had the material presented in high school.
“None have read Voltaire while almost 95 % knew the store hours at the local Wal-Mart. We are all to blame for allowing ignorance to be worshipped in this country,” said a spokesman for the Bad Karma Institute that encourages people to spend more time meditating and reading.
The sad but clear message here is that we have created a subculture that is hostile toward intellectual pursuit, the arts and the preservation of the culture that they say they want to defend.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
“Encouraging others to do violence is immoral, whether you are ISIS, A PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE or a radio talk show host.” At least ISIS takes credit for their inspired violence…
Semana Santa in the Colombian Mountains
Just returned from watching a Mr. Bean film in the corner cafe. I had planned a nice sancocho* but Mario closed El Oro for Saturday night bingo. Not a lot of other options.
Semana Santa looms on Monday. All weekend Filandia paints and bangs while waiting for the invasion of day trippers and assorted gobbler throngs that dropped the money for a hotel room. The townsfolk seemed startled by the visitors, and most were just from nearby Armenia and Pereira. They all appear uncomfortable. They often stare.
These overnight revelers were the ones who were doing most of the drinking and yelling early on. The locals came later and made their own noise. I headed home at eleven to a smiles and few handshakes on the path to the door.
It is a well-known fact young Colombian waitresses in small towns are deathly afraid of grandpa gringos like me because they are afraid we won’t be able to talk.
“But señorita, there is no English spoken here. If I don’t speak Castillano how do you think I survive?”
Soon, after a little chit-chat I order in Spanish she realizes that it (I) speak the language and communication will not be a problem. Then it’s all suave.
One must realize that as a Norte Americano he is not another predator landing in this culture. You must be a friend. Smiles speak volumes. Kindness reaches out. Kennedy half dollars make excellent tips.
You should be generous. Don’t bother these people with your shit. They have plenty of their own to deal with day to day.
But it’s all so beautiful in so many ways — the forests, the weather, the palms, the hot springs, the volcanos, the green mountains, the rain, the steaming riverbanks. A powerful culture still reigns despite the intrusions of the 21st Century.
While others debate building walls and throw more religion in these tired faces, my Vietnam Vet and ex-Colorado buddy buys Christmas chickens for poor people and spends time in backwater and dangerous locales providing medicine and transportation to the far way hospitals. He quietly walks the walk. He goes about his business without fanfare, without expectation. He changes lives while most of us sit on our thumbs shaking our privileged heads at the desperation that is all around. He’d no doubt be mad at me if he know I wrote about him. More tomorrow.
* sancocho is a three-potato based soup or steak that can contain chicken or fish but most often beef.
Evolution Peaked in 1972 Says Doc
(Globe, AZ — Desert Desalinate — March 23, 2016)
Human evolution is at a frightening standstill according to vintage archeologists digging out here in the stinking desert. Conjecture suggests that the process of environmental adaptation ended in 1972 wit the onset of chronic air and water pollution and the delivery of the population bomb.
“The human body has made no noticeable/effective physical changes so as to better cope with atmospheric disasters,” said a highly touted source on life, as we know it.
“Man has fallen on his fat primitive face when it comes to solving social ills,” chimed in another scientist who begged anonymity fearing reprisals by creationists camped across the arroyo.
“The inability of religion and science to coexist when it comes to human origin is the microcosm for failure of the social order,” said the first digger. “This is a strong indication that the species is clogged up at the base.”
– Fred Zeppelin
