All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category
Bombs Away Bullet Babies!
GOP/NRA delegates arrived in Cleveland early to get a good seat for the Republican Convention. Note the traditional straw hats, symbolizing the juvenile jingoism that often pervades this wasteful fiasco. Democracy-Lite has masqueraded for true democracy since 1782. Mindless robots pledge allegiance and mumble patriotic songs but don’t comprehend the meaning behind it all. In an interesting modification from past years, the Cleveland GOP Convention center doors will be locked from the outside so as to avoid spillover into the mainstream of American life. (Sammy Jingo Photo)
Mammoth TV Still Holding Hostages
(Blanding, UT — That’s News to Me — May 31, 2016)
A 220-inch Sony Trinitron-Mega Brain Television continues to hold about a dozen people hostage over the noon hour, according to police on their way to lunch. Seven former prisoners of the appliance were released this morning just as the FBI arrived on the scene.
“The hostages walked right out the front door at Melvin’s Three-Hour Donut and Digital TV Hut,” said one unreliable source. “They looked like they were in some sort of trance.”
Limited information tells us that the seven were released after negotiators pressed the issue of often moronic shows, re-runs and fear-based news programs, and the TV capitulated. But not before a barrage of curses at the cops that had now surrounded the strategic target with more than 1400 officers and a Just Say No tank, on loan from the government of Colombia.
It was not completely clear if the actions were politically motivated or if the TV just popped it’s top prior to the seizures. Police, armed with radios, have threatened to rush the front door unless the television surrenders peacefully.
The armament status of the TV is not known.
The proprietor of Mel’s was on vacation in Mexican Hat at the time of the incident and could not be contacted for what would have undoubtedly been another of his long-winded, multi-directional comments.
– Susie Compost
VAIL PETITIONS FOR TRENDY ZIP
(Gore Range — Dead Letter News — May 25, 2016)
A conglomeration of business and civic leaders here have petitioned the United States Postal Service for a more glamorous zip code. The group maintains that the current zip does little to reflect the elite, gentile lifestyles afforded by the resort’s well-healed residents.
“Consider for a moment the reaction by our patrons who pay up the wazoo to stay and play here,” said a major executive director of the zip code push. “How would you feel if you dropped all that cash and ended up in a place with a mundane zip code like 81631. It misrepresents everything that we are about in Vail. It makes me cringe when I write that zip on my correspondence.”
Postal officials told The Horseshoe that they have received a written request for the zip change. The petition asks that Vail gets a more fashionable zip like Aspen’s 81611 or even Steamboat’s 80477, one that “exudes the detached, entitled, self-confident attitude so prevalent in Vail.”
The Vail group has expressed interest in purchasing 81435 from Telluride or 81224 from Crested Butte saying that those resort communities don’t deserve such hip zips. Although there has been no response from the two aforementioned, several other communities have come forward willing to sell their zips. Naturita (81422) Sapinero (81247 and Rangely (81648) reportedly could sell if the price was right.
“How does one place a monetary value on five silly number created by some long-dead bureaucrat who probably never ventured east of Pennsylvania?” asked Colona postmistress, Estelle Marmotbreath, who will be relocating to Cahone in July. “it’s like betting on the Broncos.”
The kind residents of Eagle have agreed to allow Vail to use its zip code until the end of the year or until other plans can be formulated. Top executives from the U.S. Postal Service are expected in town for a preliminary look on Thursday. They will be staying at the posh Grand Praetorian Lodge at the taxpayer’s expense. Vail has planned a week of self-indulgent debauchery so as to secure an official hearing in June.
Next time see: “Further Ridiculous Distractions For An Educated Electorate”
– Uncle Pahgre
Drink More Vodka Says Putin
(Minsk — Make Vodka From Your Old Socks Magazine — May 14, 2016)
Russian President Vladimir Putin called on Americans to drink more vodka in 2016. Saying that a belly at the bar would go a long way toward combating hunger in Russia. The former KGB officer, and friend of Donald Trump, estimates that if every American would just increase his or her intake by one shot per day the economy of Russia would bounce back to Czarist proportions.
Putin targeted Americans on the issue since the French prefer wine, the Germans like beer and the English “are in bed with a good bottle of single malt.”
“None of these groups will ever budge,” he quacked. “Our only tangible export to the developed nations is vodka,” he continued. “Americans don’t need our natural gas or even our caviar but they all get thirsty.
In response to the pathetic plea, the Congress has drafted a bill offering tax credits to the vodka-swilling public. If the bill becomes law, persons who purchase the stuff by the case might be able to claim a percentage as a contribution to charity by 2017.
Supporters say the move has nothing to do with National Health care while detractors worried about sour relations with Poland, the world’s second largest distiller and member of NATO bowling team.
– Neville Hoser
“Podran cortar todas las flores, pero no podrán detener la primavera.”
(They can cut down all the flowers but they cannot hold back the spring.”)
– Pablo Neruda
Dodgers Moving Back to Brooklyn
(Sunset Park — Flatbush Base Stealer Press — May 6, 2016)
After 57 years in Los Angeles, the Dodgers have decided to return to Brooklyn. The popular franchise will begin its 2016 season in New York according to a team spokesman.
The move was described as fiscal in nature although growing seismic activity, gang violence and increasing smog may have entered into the final decision.
“There are innumerable issues to resolve,” according to a team owner. “But in the final summation we prefer the Big Apple to El Lay.”
The Dodgers will not be able to return to the old haunts of Ebbets Field or even the Polo Grounds since the historic parks were long ago “plowed under”. Negotiations are reportedly going on with existing facilities and the local government.
“It got so that we couldn’t see the pitches, even on a good day,” said player personnel director Melvin “Sacrifice” Toolovich. “Even when the wind blows the pollution stays put out here at Chavez Ravine.”
One option appears to be a rooftop stadium above Barclays Center, the home of the Brooklyn Nets NBA team. That, according to local environmentalists would have less impact on a neighborhood still reeling from urban stadium expansions in high real estate locales. It might also be in keeping with progressive gardening techniques developed in Paris and Berlin. Yields from each of these communities have been impressive and baseball might lower its carbon footprint here, say the experts.
The Dodgers (originally the Trolley Dodgers) will remain in the National League if the relocation is approved at the highest levels. The move is expected to fill the void left by the New York Mets’ abrupt move to Havana, Cuba where people still speak English and understand the dimensions of the slow curve.
– Salte Peterson
