All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category
Trump victim of pick pocket at GOP Convention
(Cleveland OH — Cuyahoga Crier — August 22, 2016 )
The Republican Party confirmed today that Presidential candidate Donald Trump was robbed during the last night of the recent political convention here.
Hushed up until now the alleged assault, committed by an unknown thief, has gone viral with even the perpetrator kicking in his two-cents. He twittered: Some billionaire he is . Trump had only a paltry sum on him…”
Here’s the party skinny: “Security personnel are continuing to investigate the so-called incident without prejudice and will get to the bottom of the matter sometime either before the elections or just after breakfast.”
Insiders say local law enforcement suspects that a Democrat infiltrator, disguised as a Trump supporter, committed the crime. Although evidence is slim, police have made several arrests and promise a series of dawn raids so as to corner the perpetrator.
In the aftermath, influential voices within the GOP were heard to question the decision making capacity of a man who would actually carry cash to an event of this type.
“Can a man so careless with his own finances be trusted to run the country?” they asked. “Will we soon see armed robbery at the Federal Reserve? Could Fort Knox be victim to common thieves?”
– Fred Zeppelin
Snoring Elk Relocated
(Galt’s Gulch — Bull Moose Gazette — August 20, 2016)
Several hundred elk have been removed from the southern confines of Edith Bunker National Forest near here. The animals will have a new home in Silverton.
Since last summer campers have complained that the elk’s chronic snoring has kept them up at night. Many have already broken camp and moved to more civilized spots up Jackass Flats and along Valentine’s Ridge at the Old Maid Mine.
“We sent special agents up into the contested region and they could not sleep either,” said Max Poltroon, of the DOW task force. This here’s Code Three. Some of these elk need to have their tonsils removed. It’s only a few of the bulls making all the racket.”
Poltroon said it was a shame that the entire herd had o be inconvenienced by a few bad apples. Other bothersome species might face deportation if it is determined that they are incompetent or in need of constant supervision.
“Running an outfit like the DOW is no walk the park,” he nodded.
– Simian Tilte
Nyuck…Nyuck…Happy Birthday Surprise!
Happy Birthday to two people I truly love. One I know well. The other I’ll be meeting this week.
The Last Year of My Life
From the Journals of Patrick McGinty May, 1919
Travel this spring is different. I am not long for this world. That old sawbones in Denver should be able to tell me something next week. At least he’s honest, not like that croaker in Lamar. Sure, I’ll just get lots of rest and stay away from whiskey. Yeah, that’s a good idea. Did he have to go to medical school back east for both of those years to figure out that remedy? I think all these doctors should go off somewhere together and search for a cure for congenital stupidity and bad handwriting.
In just about an hour we’ll reach Gunnison and I can stretch my legs. This train is hell on my back and my kidneys. Maybe I’ve got that Chrome’s disease. It sure did a job on Harry Selig and he was no older than I am. He could have managed in the Majors but for his health. I can see Tomichi Creek. There’s a great hotel in this town called the LaVeta but one doesn’t stay there overnight on a baseball man’s salary. They say there are even tunnels right from the hotel to the houses of delight. Maybe someday, when one of my teams goes all the way, I’ll go all the way. I’ve always had a great time in Gunnison but I do miss my old third baseman Chuck Morganthau who caught a bullet in France. He had a pretty wife and a lot of ability but something tells me he’d never be able to support a family scooping up grounders and hitting line drives.
The train has finally stopped. My back feels better. I wonder if there’s a pharmacy in this town anymore. What with all the federal interference it’s hard for a fellow to get anything that works on pain. I hear there are a couple of fine pitching prospects working the mines in Crested Butte. Of course if they decide to give baseball a shot they could put their futures in jeopardy. The mines, although dangerous, pay a decent wage and one’s career can last longer. Nobody wants to pay for entertainment these days unless it’s Ziegfeld’s or neighborhood cock fights. Why that Rosencrantz kid might have gone all the way to the big leagues if his father didn’t insist on his going to the normal school. I suppose he’s teaching school somewhere in these mountains. At least he makes a decent salary. The Jews aren’t stupid.
The two boys that I heard about in Crested Butte can throw hard but one is married with three kids and the other can’t speak a lick of English. Maybe next year? It’s back on the damn train for me after a night of sleeplessness at Molly Duran’s Boarding House and a breakfast of biscuits and gravy at the Sodd House. Elmer Sodd told me he wants to sponsor a Fourth of July double-header between the Gunnison team and whatever heap of scrap I manage to put on the field. I say I’ll get back to him. What a pompous bastard he is sitting back in his kitchen, but he was quite a prize fighter in his day, even fought Dempsey down in Alamosa. He’d have whipped him too, from what I hear, but the ref called the fight due to Sodd’s broken ribs and an eye that refuses to go back into its socket, even to this day. The joke around here is that the thing will end up in someone’s pancake batter before it’s all said and done with.
The train barely pulls out of Gunnison and we’re already in Montrose. I must have nodded off despite this damn foot. Could be the gout. I wonder if that’s the trouble. Can somebody’s gout creep all the way up the legs and make mush out of the back. I wonder if I ruptured something last season and it’s just waiting around to line one past me when I’m not looking? Montrose has fielded some fine teams over the decade although the war took its toll. I was too old for that dance but I did spend a few feverish nights in Cuba at the turn-of-the-century.
According to the morning paper Babe Ruth hit a 587-foot homer against the Giants down in Florida. That boy has all the tools and he’s making a living. Other than the White Sox, and Joe Jackson, the Yankees seem to have an inside track on the pennant. The Reds look good in the National League. The rest of the paper is full of careful debates on Prohibition and updates on the peace conference at Versailles. It should be fun checking out the whiskey operations in the San Juans. I’ve got three kids signed from this part of the valley and all of them should show up at least until the sugar beets are ripe.
Continued tomorrow on www.sanjuanhhorseshoe.com
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