All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category
Dodgers Moving Back to Brooklyn
(Sunset Park — Flatbush Base Stealer Press)
After 67 years in Los Angeles, the Dodgers have decided to return to Brooklyn. The popular franchise will begin its 2026 season in New York according to a team spokesman.
The move was described as fiscal in nature although growing seismic activity, gang violence and increasing smog may have entered into the final decision.
“There are innumerable issues to resolve,” according to a team owner. “But in the final summation we prefer the Big Apple to El Lay.”
The Dodgers will not be able to return to the old haunts of Ebbets Field or even the Polo Grounds since the historic parks were long ago “plowed under”. Negotiations are reportedly going on with existing facilities and the local government.
“It got so that we couldn’t see the pitches, even on a good day,” said player personnel director Melvin “Sac-Fly” Toolovich. “Even when the wind blows the pollution stays put out here at Chavez Ravine.”
One option appears to be a rooftop stadium above Barclays Center, the home of the Brooklyn Nets NBA team. That, according to local environmentalists would have less impact on a neighborhood still reeling from urban stadium expansions in high real estate locales. It might also be in keeping with progressive gardening techniques developed in Paris and Berlin. Yields from each of these communities have been impressive and baseball might lower its carbon footprint here, say the experts.
The Dodgers (originally the Trolley Dodgers) will remain in the National League if the relocation is approved at the highest levels. The move is expected to fill the void left by the New York Mets’ abrupt move to Havana, Cuba where people still speak proper English and understand the dimensions of the slow curve.
– Rocky Flats
Dinosaurs to blame for Slope roads
(Denver) The often deplorable condition of Western Colorado’s roads is due to centuries of abuse by dinosaurs according to Governor Jared Polis. Likening the destruction to some 50,000 tractor trailers dropped directly on the asphalt from the sky, the governor praised road crews and defended disbursement of public funds during his reign.
“These mindless lizards never paid one penny of highway tax either,” chimed Polis from the veranda of the gubernatorial mansion here. His appearance would be cut short as weather experts warned of a particularly dangerous brown cloud air index levels, serious enough not to be diluted by an abundance of temporary hot air.
The governor went on by blasting critics and free-lance skeptics who were quick to point out that no dinosaurs have roamed these parts for centuries. He equated the lack of attentiveness to history’s manifold destiny and the chronic fiscal irresponsibility of more recent times.
“This is no partisan issue. These animals did the deed many years ago and we are paying for it today,” said the governor. “even before they built Interstate 25.”
“One cannot discount the damage wrought on our transport arteries by these ignorant beasts of enormous mass,” he said. “Other states like Texas and Arizona have far nicer roads and the common denominator there is that no dinosaur bones have been exhumed.”
Polis called on all students of motorized travel to do their homework on this issue. He promised to appoint a committee of archeological teams to further study the problem. Dinosaur fences have been proposed as well as a highly controversial fossil fuel pipeline from Alberta to the Gulf of Mexico.
“We have already started building dinosaur crossings (with tunnels) and creating a sense of tight security around the more prevalent digs,” said one fossil scientist. “Some of our flaggers have even reported seeing dragons in the Bland Valley and the occasional rogue unicorn on the Uncompahgre Plateau. We must be careful not to upset the natural balance or there goes our chance at cheap gas for another generation.
It is commonly held that one day dead dinosaurs turned into oil much like Rumpelstiltskin straw turned to gold or Pinocchio puppets turned into real boys.
Polis assured voters that the problem would be handled and that residents and visitors alike would once again experience the quality of highways, trails and toll roads built before the Civil War.
“This is outrageous!” said one Republican county commissioner. “Next he’ll be telling us there won’t be a state of the state address because the dinosaurs ate his homework. Imagine people tied up in traffic trying to get to the gold fields or to the Rapture or to attack sleeping Indian villages. Not on these roads!”
There has been no response to the issue by the powerful dinosaur lobby since it is believed the group has suffered extinction, which according to some is the exact, and final opposite of evolution.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
A Question of Mental Health
(The scene is the entryway of an ubiquitous mental health facility somewhere in Western Colorado. It is just after lunch and most of the patients are engaged in therapeutic siesta which could last well into medication hour and/or dinner.)
21st Century Man: Pardon me, but I’d like to inquire about admission.
Nurse Thorazine: Sorry, we’re full. Go away.
21st Century Man: But I’m nuts.
Nurse Thorazeen: Can you prove it?
21st Man: Well, I’m out of control most of the time. I just pulled in the reins to make it down here. I could go off at any moment.
Nurse: That’s what they all say.
21st Man: OK. You win. I’ll prove it. Watch this…
(The 21st Century Man proceeds to eat all of the #2 pencils carefully arranged on the admittance desk then begins banging his head on the reception counter…harder and harder with each repetition.)
Nurse: All right! All right…that’s just about enough of that shameful display. You’ll wake up the clients. Just because you eat a few pencils and bang your head on the desk doesn’t necessarily mean you’re crazy.
21st Man: Well then, tell me, what does then?
Nurse: A history of mental illness would be nice. Have you ever been under psychiatric care?
21st Man: Not that I can recall. Wait, I did talk to a school counselor once, about twenty-five years ago.
Nurse: Can you document it?
21st: I doubt whether anyone keeps records that far back.
Nurse: Hmmmm. I’d like to help you but rules are rules and it’s about time for this meeting to end. You must have the proper credentials or we can’t admit you. Do you have any idea how many people come in here everyday claiming to be nuts?
21st: But I am really nuts!
Nurse: Now there’s no reason to raise our voice. You think you are special?
21st: Didn’t you ever see Catch 22 where the hero cannot convince the battalion shrink that he’s crazy enough for a section 8 after uncountable bombing missions, just because he is sane enough to seek one?
Nurse: He probably failed to produce the required paperwork.
21st: Where would I get that…the proper paperwork.
Nurse: We have doctors here that can perform an initial diagnosis, but they are all quite busy right now. If you insist on pursuing this why not take a seat. You’ll find a wide array of medications in the ash trays because, of course, this is a non-smoking facility. Do you smoke?
21st: No
Nurse: Do you have insurance.
21st: Yes, I pay over $750 per month but it doesn’t cover mental health.
Nurse: It’s up to you. I have to get back to work.
21st: Oh well, I guess I’ll wait for the initial diagnosis. I’ll be just as crazy in an hour as I am right now.
CONTINUED NEXT MONTH
Coor’s rightfield to be seeded in alfalfa, sorghum
(Blake Street) What used to be a keystone right field, ripe with problems, is now producing bountiful harvests according to the Rockies’ agricultural consultants. In addition to habitat for wildlife, these experts expect to grow corn in the upper deck and rice down in the infild by 2027…all without influencing play.
“We’re expecting multiple yields as early as next fall,” said a spokesman for the cellar-dweller National League franchise. That’s batting .1000 in my book!” he smiled. The terraced and flat regions of right field boast contour patterns while the rows are perfectly symmetrical like pin stripes on a crisp new uniform. It’s simple crop rotation, like a pitching rotation, only we actually keep the best players so as to build a team.”
The above source went on to say that the Rockies hope to grow organic players like the Dodgers and Yankees. At present the ledger sheet does all the talking with the wealthier concerns like the Cubs and Red Sox spending way more money on free agents, especially at trade deadlines, than the Rockies have in the bank. In short without parity the wealthier teams are in the driver’s seat, harvesting at will, applying exotic fertilizer on a whim.
“The Dodgers, Giants and Yankees even have a minor league farm system training thr next generation of tarpolan pushers, ushers and beer salesmaen,” continued the source. “We just as well plant corn and onions out in left field too.”
Erosion, a plague on most farming operations, has already been addressed at Coors by applying the rules of maximum density and efficiency even in the dugout where small terrariums and vegetable plots abound.
Many local experts feel that an occasional crop circle could motivate behavior at the plate. The choice of crops strongly signifies past problems and a driving desire to set things right after several successful seasons years ago.
One cherished grounds crew highlight will remain with a full-contact irrigation display in the 7th inning stretch, backed up by an assortment of patriotic anthems. Team executives hope that they can begin serving alfalfa IPAs and sorghum-based nachos by 2027.
Trump’s Head Too Big for Rushmore
(Keystone) Donald the Orange may have gone too far this time. His often-repeated insistence that he be included with Washington, Jefferson Lincoln and (Teddy) Roosevelt on Mount Rushmore was abruptly halted today when sculptors here concluded that his head would not fit on the Black Hills memorial.
“The shrine would simply be too top heavy,” said one sculptor, “with the inclusion of Trump. We’d never get the face right or the hair and narcissists don’t like that.”
The stone mason’s union agreed, adding that continual and expensive cosmetic updates would threaten the structure.
“The whole shooting’ match wouldn’t last three months, even if the president approved the first viewing, a highly unlikely scenario given what we have seen so far.”
Keystone, South Dakota, the closest town to Mount Rushmore has threatened a series of rock slides, sand storms and induced geothermal explosions if Trump employs the executive power act to put his noggin up there.
Although the exact measurements of the head in question are not known it is surmised that the cranial cavity and prefrontal cortex in particular are quite oversize. Readers are reminded that this enlarged superego does not dictate a functional, working mind.
“A clear mandate* dictates that our cult be etched in stone,” said Sally Magma, a solid supporter of isolationist theories of the 18th Century.
Trump has already told aides he plans to build an hotel and gold course at the base of the memorial.
Mount Rushmore, in Black Hills of South Dakota is listed by more than 35,000 people per day. That’s 9 times the people who attended Trumps million-dollar military birthday parade back in June.
The sitting president of South Dakota mines and Technology in Rapid City told reporters that Trump might be better off building sand castles in Florida than “flashing his Elvis-like smirk up here so close to Canada”.
Later the state’s leading construction company, headquartered in Deadwood, withdrew from the bidding process when it discovered that Trump had stiffed them (and over 50 sub-contractors) on a now defunct hotel-casino resort erected Atlantic City, New Jersey in 2013.
Cult masters are playing down what amounts to a great rejection while loyalists in the GOP are, quite predictably, offering up their heads to cover their asses.
“Isn’t this like auctioning off the United States Constitution for fire starter or selling the Liberty Bell for scrap,”lamented the disengaged Deadwood CEO.
North Dakota and Iowa have responded to the unparalleled actions by offering to exhibit Trump’s head “somewhere in their state…in a venue of honor.”
-Ben Black Elk
Next time: Are most American flags
really still manufactured in China?
*Trump won the 2024 election by only 49.8%
of the popular vote compared to Kamala Harris at 48.3%.
Monforts challenged to over 800 duels in 2025
(Greeley) Federal and state police have arrested or detained some 3,000 Colorado Rockies fans accusing most of making public threats and heated, often vulgar suggestions. Some 800 of these unhappy fans have been charged with challenging one or more Monforts to an assortment of duels.
Dueling, which has been illegal since the American Civil War, follows strict etiquette and, sadly often results in the death of one of the participants. It is generally viewed as a question of honor and a last resort in deciding a plethora of grievances. Traditionally duels are fought at dawn with only the shooter’s seconds, a physician and a limited audience standing by.
However, all duels are not fought in such civilized manners. Of the 800 threats some 150 were to be carried out with more modern pistols, another 35 with shotguns. Keystone gladiators also cried out for satisfaction with swords, axes, dart guns, bows, meat cleavers, and yes, a Louisville Slugger or two.
Of the 800 persons of interest police say 50 were quite prepared to meet the meat (in reference to Monfort feedlots). These angry baseball enthusiasts boasted pistols ensconced in tasteful hardwood boxes, often featuring a family logo or monogram of century-old shooting clubs. The weapons, often single-shot flintlocks or black powder almost always come in pairs, perfect for a morning gunfight.
One woman said she hoped to fight it out with whichever Monfort has the guts to show up. She says that while dueling may not solve anything it remains a matter of honor to many Coloradans. Her instrument of assault was a sharpened femur from a dead bovine that many cheered as quite appropriate.
“I feel the slap of the glove across my face every time the Rockies blow a lead or strike out with the bases loaded,” she said. “We deserve better. Unless we see a change of ownership we will continue to experience this passive-aggressive emptiness that will eat us up like overpriced beers and hot dogs.”
Brothers Charles and Richard Monfort purchased the Colorado Rockies baseball team in 1992.
-Rocky Flats, Sports Editor
