All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category
Trump’s Head Too Big for Rushmore
(Keystone) Donald the Orange may have gone too far this time. His often-repeated insistence that he be included with Washington, Jefferson Lincoln and (Teddy) Roosevelt on Mount Rushmore was abruptly halted today when sculptors here concluded that his head would not fit on the Black Hills memorial.
“The shrine would simply be too top heavy,” said one sculptor, “with the inclusion of Trump. We’d never get the face right or the hair and narcissists don’t like that.”
The stone mason’s union agreed, adding that continual and expensive cosmetic updates would threaten the structure.
“The whole shooting’ match wouldn’t last three months, even if the president approved the first viewing, a highly unlikely scenario given what we have seen so far.”
Keystone, South Dakota, the closest town to Mount Rushmore has threatened a series of rock slides, sand storms and induced geothermal explosions if Trump employs the executive power act to put his noggin up there.
Although the exact measurements of the head in question are not known it is surmised that the cranial cavity and prefrontal cortex in particular are quite oversize. Readers are reminded that this enlarged superego does not dictate a functional, working mind.
“A clear mandate* dictates that our cult be etched in stone,” said Sally Magma, a solid supporter of isolationist theories of the 18th Century.
Trump has already told aides he plans to build an hotel and gold course at the base of the memorial.
Mount Rushmore, in Black Hills of South Dakota is listed by more than 35,000 people per day. That’s 9 times the people who attended Trumps million-dollar military birthday parade back in June.
The sitting president of South Dakota mines and Technology in Rapid City told reporters that Trump might be better off building sand castles in Florida than “flashing his Elvis-like smirk up here so close to Canada”.
Later the state’s leading construction company, headquartered in Deadwood, withdrew from the bidding process when it discovered that Trump had stiffed them (and over 50 sub-contractors) on a now defunct hotel-casino resort erected Atlantic City, New Jersey in 2013.
Cult masters are playing down what amounts to a great rejection while loyalists in the GOP are, quite predictably, offering up their heads to cover their asses.
“Isn’t this like auctioning off the United States Constitution for fire starter or selling the Liberty Bell for scrap,”lamented the disengaged Deadwood CEO.
North Dakota and Iowa have responded to the unparalleled actions by offering to exhibit Trump’s head “somewhere in their state…in a venue of honor.”
-Ben Black Elk
Next time: Are most American flags
really still manufactured in China?
*Trump won the 2024 election by only 49.8%
of the popular vote compared to Kamala Harris at 48.3%.
Monforts challenged to over 800 duels in 2025
(Greeley) Federal and state police have arrested or detained some 3,000 Colorado Rockies fans accusing most of making public threats and heated, often vulgar suggestions. Some 800 of these unhappy fans have been charged with challenging one or more Monforts to an assortment of duels.
Dueling, which has been illegal since the American Civil War, follows strict etiquette and, sadly often results in the death of one of the participants. It is generally viewed as a question of honor and a last resort in deciding a plethora of grievances. Traditionally duels are fought at dawn with only the shooter’s seconds, a physician and a limited audience standing by.
However, all duels are not fought in such civilized manners. Of the 800 threats some 150 were to be carried out with more modern pistols, another 35 with shotguns. Keystone gladiators also cried out for satisfaction with swords, axes, dart guns, bows, meat cleavers, and yes, a Louisville Slugger or two.
Of the 800 persons of interest police say 50 were quite prepared to meet the meat (in reference to Monfort feedlots). These angry baseball enthusiasts boasted pistols ensconced in tasteful hardwood boxes, often featuring a family logo or monogram of century-old shooting clubs. The weapons, often single-shot flintlocks or black powder almost always come in pairs, perfect for a morning gunfight.
One woman said she hoped to fight it out with whichever Monfort has the guts to show up. She says that while dueling may not solve anything it remains a matter of honor to many Coloradans. Her instrument of assault was a sharpened femur from a dead bovine that many cheered as quite appropriate.
“I feel the slap of the glove across my face every time the Rockies blow a lead or strike out with the bases loaded,” she said. “We deserve better. Unless we see a change of ownership we will continue to experience this passive-aggressive emptiness that will eat us up like overpriced beers and hot dogs.”
Brothers Charles and Richard Monfort purchased the Colorado Rockies baseball team in 1992.
-Rocky Flats, Sports Editor
Sanjuanhorseshoe.com will now engage in a short intermission and will return to our regularly scheduled programs after aliens from other planets land in Colorado looking for season tickets to the Broncos, Nuggets or Avalanche, three successful franchises in the state.
Happy 86th Birthday Tuck!
This 86-year-old Crested Butte man credits his longevity to black powder rendezvous, rum, trap lines and the prevalence of yoga pants in our culture. The caved-in cabin in the photo was a former residence in the 70s.
Black Bear Have Right to Eat Hikers says Supreme Quart
(Washington DC) The nation’s highest court today decided in favor of bears over humans when it comes to dining manners and culinary survival in the forest. Voting unanimously in favor of Black Bear, Alaskan Browns, Grizzlies and Polar Bear the justices handed down the determination with little fanfare despite a barrage of media attention attached to what many are calling a bloodless coup.
It was a dazzling victory for the bruins who, although always hungry, prefer other delicacies such as honey, berries and the rotting carcasses of cows buried to sel in the flavor for down the road feasts. Despite a sad status down the food chain humans remain as potential meals on the run since they are often slower and less evasive than other game.
Controversies such as this one, classified as domestic in nature, are often blamed for slowing down the judicial system, leaving more pressing matters to take a back seat in an already backlogged system. The bear question, however has been on the docket for over three months and, with human-bear contact season aproaching, it cried out for answers.
The ruling is aimed at clearing up misinformation and presumptions long held by people recreating within the vast domain of bear. It did not undress dangers from mountain lions or moose, two species deemed more aggressive toward traditional habitat.
Most Americans have never even seen a bear much less been eaten by one but the issue made it to the Supreme Court anyway. Experts confirm tht there are more bear in the Rockies than people. Elusive and shy the animals are rarely observed in the wilds unless a hair-raising confrontation develops. People who hope to see a bear up close are often sorry for their wish.
“I guess the verdict is quite important to people who spend a good deal of time out in the woods,” said Al Pine, a wildlife biologist working in the Northern Rockies. “It’s also important to the bear who have been in limbo on the subject for centuries.It’s kind of their Make My Day law.”
Favoring wildlife over humans could open up a whole new can of worms according to Pine.
“If a bear is in the mood to eat someone or some thing he/she will probably not feel more entitled or ethical with legality on their side,” quaffed Pine. ‘He will just chomp.”
Recent lower court opinions protecting Alaskan Browns, Grizzlies and Polar Bears served as precedent in the monumental decision. Urban and high population density districts are more likely to support the legislation than are people living in bear country, co-existing with the protected bruins.
– Small Mouth Bess
ROX Not Deported as Reported
Apology: Many Rockies “were demoted” not deported as yesterday’s sportswriters mistakenly promulgated. This website regrets any confusion, pain or inconvenience, to a dwindling fan base, that may have resulted from our poor “at bat” herein.
Bi-lingual response from baseball operations in Greeley was muted as agents from ICE donned masks and wild pitches for yet another mindless sweep that nets the innocent with the illegal. Perhaps the most notable surprise herein is that not one of the dumped players possesses a Spanish surname.
The furloughed athletes are mostly pitchers and infielders, making way for a radical approach to the remainder of the season: Beginning after the All Star game the team will field one pitcher, one catcher and seven outfielders in an attempt to deprive competitors of a self-described “unfair advantage” that has left the team some 30 games out of first place. Stiff fines will be levied for strikeouts.
Sources say it is unlikely that the moves will spawn lower beer prices at Coors Field.
Keystone refugees, currently housed in so many dugouts, are already on the trading block or are primed to play minor league ball at Albuquerque. Reaction all over the league was disbelief in that a “brash basement dweller” was attempting to so radically change the game of baseball.
From the Rockpile
“We are relieved that our gov’ment is protecting us from the international criminal faction but are thousands of deported babies really perpetrators?” asked Penelope Spotcheque, a retired social worker who now roams the post-game Blake Street bleachers looking for coins and valuables.
“It appears that anyone who even looks Latino is a target of gangs of authorized bullies who continue stumblebum raids and illegal detainments of American citizens. We thought the feds were looking to pinch murderers and rapists. Maybe not, heh?”
Our website, sanjuanhorseshoe.com, takes full responsibility for our journalistic blunder but not for the poor workmanship of a one-dimensional, money-driven, unsportsmanlike front office of 2025 Colorado Rockies.
Let’s lose 120 in 2025!
– Rory Lyons
Don’t forget: This year’s Lodo Homeless Golf Tournament, to be held in Setember, has achieved approval and permission of the Denver City Council. The 2-day event will raise funds toward purchasing the Colorado Rockies Major League franchise in 2026.
ECONOMY MOSTLY CLOUDY FOR NEXT FEW DAYS
Financial skies were mostly overcast over much of the nation today. Scattered insufficient funds hung over parts of the South while interest rates pelted the Pacific Northwest.
Cooler investments and scattered stock options continue to plague the East with showers likely on Wall Street before closing. A cold front will push across the Midwest and collide with an upswing in retail sales before the weekend as an inflation will cause gusty winds in the foot hills of the Rockies. Nonetheless consumers can expect to get soaked.
Meanwhile indoors the climate will remain constant with a persistent dry recovery rumored by Memorial Day when winds will reach unbelievable proportions again. Highs today were predicted on both the New York and American Stock Exchanges and at elevations over 10,000 feet. Across the central third of the nation it will remain flat with periods of incredible boredom persistent through the early evening. An imbalance will surface during the night due to a high pressure system arriving from the Common Market and a bothersome Japanese current.
Bold face quotations include “Tie down the horses! It’s a twister!” and “Only fools and tourists try to predict stock index futures”. Supply-side global warming is sure to cause major deficits in annual snow-pack but six-packs of northerly moisture brewing in Canada could alleviate the situation for a few days.
-Pepper Salte
