All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category
Vodka Shares Stabilize
(Moscow Mule) Amid fears of major setbacks affecting the international spirits exchange, vodka has rebounded nicely on the wet circuit overriding gin and bourbon on this month’s swilling board.
Despite deteriorating political conditions at the core of production, consumers appear to be lined up behind the product setting free a flourish of positive response and enthusiastic imbibing. Vodka Nose, a common symptom of overindulging, has either been downplayed by persuasive sources or blamed on Poland.
“We will not take responsibility for vodka nose while inferior products continue to flood the market,” said a source in Russia. “Like champagne the only true vodka comes from our grain and our potatoes.”
The Spud Market, already heard-pressed due to what officials called the Turnip Effect, has been escalloped over the past decade and it’s a relief to see that there are some strengths that remain despite half-baked beliefs that threaten to boil over and engulf the starchy, tuberous staple commodity.
When contacted to further explain the attack on Polish vodka Russian leaders where too busy hacking, flattering, snooping, doping, spying, denying, courting, jousting and at least 50 more ing actions to respond at this time. According to the Kremlin a full disclosure would be forthcoming as soon as sensitive encounters could be whitewashed and potentially incriminating evidence distorted.
Peasants in all affected countries were encouraged to drink up and not worry knowing that leaders had their best interests at heart.
– Suzie Compost
My favorite people in Jardin, Colombia
Las damas de helado…The ice cream ladies. Always a smile, always scooping delicious ice cream to feed my dessert fantasies. Chocolate, vanilla or rocky road? Have a seat on the plaza and enjoy yours! Number one stop in Antioquia.
Trump-ridden newly accepted in Webster’s
(Washington) A beaming Donald Trump puffed up and thanked supporters, adding that he, more than almost anyone, belonged in the dictionary.
“I am the best person for the honor,” he smiled. “I am the first President to have a dictionary word named after him. Even O’Bama didn’t do that. It’s a great accomplishment.”
Trump-ridden although not particularly gracious, gives Trump much needed attention in the arena of the inteligensia, another word in the dictionary often lost under exuberant red caps.
The term Trump-ridden is used as an adjective in the following sentence: FCC Reclassifies a Trump-ridden FOX News as a “dishonest, raw opiate” despite row by Jeff Sessions.
The White House has only recently criticized the attorney general for disloyalty.
Trump further welcomed the inclusion by announcing the a military parade will be organized in his honor to celebrate the great feat.
Dictionary tribute provides distraction, masks voyage
(Milwaukee) Moments after a swaggering President Trump began his monologue about dictionary inclusion and greatness, a small convoy of yachts began landing near St Petersburg. Over 200 Republicans and their families surrendered their ocean-going vessels and walked ashore.
This was the Ryan-McConnell Flotilla, an armada that had been seen setting sail from Washington in the middle of the night. For most of the pilgrims it was the first time, excluding Cancun and Niagara Falls, they had set foot out of the United States
Greeted by top officials from the Kremlin, the immigrants will reside the Russia so as to avoid prosecution for treason in the United States. Many have applied for diplomatic immunity, refugee status and outright asylum. Putin is expected to greet his comrades at a state dinner in Moscow on Friday.
In the chaos to escape the cold, several smaller craft sank in the choppy seas ceding untold tons of gold to the Baltic Sea. Three unidentified members of the House were feared lost in the attempt to recover the loot. They were immediately replaced from a nearby bait bucket, thoughtfully brought on board by a competitive bass fisherman from the Midwest, who had hoped to “land a caviar or two.”
Although promised luxury accommodations in St Petersburg, the Tory cluster will instead be housed in the village of Krasnoyarsk, 220 kilometers northwest of the Mongolian border “until they assimilate into the Russian culture” according to party officials quite familiar with this sort of thing.
Meanwhile, the Integrity Index, a measure that determines good and evil in public servants jumped 67 points with the departure of the Congressmen. Several Democrats, invited to go along on the sojourn, declined the offer in that they could not swim and had to wash their hair that evening.
– Gabby Haze
A pathetic thing happened on the way to the Senate
NRA spokesman blows balls off
(Washington DC) A National Rifle Association executive was severely injured this morning when a Luger 10mm, semi-automatic pistol, stuffed down the front of his pants inexplicably discharged blowing his testicles over into Maryland. The pistol-toting lobbyist, a leading voice against gun control in any form, was cheated and released from St. Roscoe’s Retired Congressmen’s Hospital in Arlington according to his wife.
He had been on his way to Congress to deliver weekly cash payments to senators and congressmen who “understood the reality of arms and munitions in the 21st Century”. The explosion was far more intense than one might expect due to the estimated 800 hits of Viagra stored next to the weapon in his pants pocket.
“He had seen Sylvester Stallone or gangsters in Goodfellows carry pistols in this manner and figure it was acceptable,” said an aide. “He just forgot safety procedures in his haste to make a good impression on the legislative body. We’re still not sure how he go the gun through the webs of security that blanket the chambers.”
“There’s nothing that says love like a KG-99 or other assault pistol behind the old trouser snake zipper,” offered one late night talk show host in his monologue. It’s the one-two punch that went “Boom!” he said.
– Gloria de Quirke
Need to swap my 9 foot ceiling for an 8 foot ceiling. It’s getting too hard to swat flies at the 9 foot level. Straight across deal. No attached walls please. Call by noon. Hurry!” Ask for Mike.
TERMS EMPLOYED IN THIS PERIODICAL
The following roster of terms used in this month’s paper is meant to acquaint readers with terminology before digestion of concepts and images is attempted.
eyeservice – 1. work done only when the boss is watching. 2. admiring looks (slang)
ambsace – double aces, the lowest throw at dice; bad luck, the least; most worthless
pop-scripturient – having a passion for writing graffiti on walls.
oeillade – an ogle, a flirtatious glance
raash – an electric catfish
rahdar – a toll collector in India
troat – to cry out like a rutting buck
troglodyte – an athropoid ape
yahoomanity – people en masse
xylophobia – fear of forests
blancmange – a dessert made from Irish moss, isinglass, cornstarch, arrowroot and boiled milk.
EVERYTHING MUST GO TO JACK UP THE BUDGET FOR 2019!
Thanks Congress! Over at the Pentagon we are clearing out our inventory to prepare for new fiscal windfall. Now every man, woman and child in the USA can have his or her own military land vehicle. Choose between the M3 A3 Bradley infantry vehicle, the M58 Wolf armored personnel carrier or the popular M1AZ Sep V-2 battle tank. Sorry: Some models only available in Red States. Just let those Liberal Atheist Communist Muslim Immigrants try to invade us now! Offer good while military continues to skim 50% off the top of the federal budget. You’ll not see prices this low again. Not available with any other offer. NO SALES BEFORE REVELRY. Next month: Self propelled artillery in the suburbs.
