All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category
EVERYTHING MUST GO TO JACK UP THE BUDGET FOR 2019!
Thanks Congress! Over at the Pentagon we are clearing out our inventory to prepare for new fiscal windfall. Now every man, woman and child in the USA can have his or her own military land vehicle. Choose between the M3 A3 Bradley infantry vehicle, the M58 Wolf armored personnel carrier or the popular M1AZ Sep V-2 battle tank. Sorry: Some models only available in Red States. Just let those Liberal Atheist Communist Muslim Immigrants try to invade us now! Offer good while military continues to skim 50% off the top of the federal budget. You’ll not see prices this low again. Not available with any other offer. NO SALES BEFORE REVELRY. Next month: Self propelled artillery in the suburbs.
TATTOOS MAY ADD YEARS TO LIFE
(Needle Rock, CA) Adorning the body with tattoos may have some positive effects according to a new study just released by the School of Psychometrics at Cal Polygamy. According to clear findings people with tattoos live longer, on average, than people without the designs.
Of the subjects tested back in March of 1955 and again in May of 1965, then interviewed in 1995 and 2018 almost 90% of those who had tattoos are still kicking. Many had worked as sailors, often from merchant marine ships and fishing trawlers.
“There were far more of these old salt types still alive in 1990 than there are in 2018,” said Dr. Efram Pennywhistle, (of the Gladstone Pennywhistles mind you) chair of the department. “We’ll just have to write that off to inflation. The survey does have a built in inaccuracy component of 14% which is a bit high for these kinds of studies.”
The researchers do not yet know what they will do with the findings until all the data can be further scrutinized and be offset with other similar studies. At present neither the FDA or the AMA have endorsed the displaying of tattoos, or even body piercing, despite links to booster shots and the uses of leeches in treatment.
Reaction within the tattoo and body painting community was guarded with advocacy groups insisting tattoos were “never about mortality, and certainly not morality.”
Local parlors report a slight upturn in walk-in traffic but nothing dramatic.
“We always see a lot of new faces around the holidays,” said Syd Fahrdt, owner of Seaweed Tattoo in Delta. “I don’t know what we’re gonna do with all these toothless tattooed people living into their Nineties and more. “The strain on social services is already out of control here,”
Any connection between these discoveries and the well documented attempt by Argentine surgeons to transplant a human ego into a slab of beef have not been established.
– Small Mouth Bess
Carnival Barranquilla, Colombia!
Second largest Carnival in South America begins today in hot, steamy Barranquilla on the Caribbean coast between Santa Marta and Cartagena, Colombia.
Spell Checks Blamed for Name Changes in the 1800s
Annoying spell checks, attached to ancient punch card data programming at Ellis Island, are blamed for the bastardization of millions of ethnic surnames during the 19th Century.
This archaic method of computing names and assorted information on arriving migrants worked well enough since the modern concept of legal or illegal immigration did not emerge as part of the federal bureaucracy until 1921.
“One simply got off the boat, passed a series of health exams, and walked onto the sidewalks of America,” said a historian whose family name was changed from Peckleharring to Fish in 1838. “”The robber barons needed low wages workers. Citizenship was a whole other ball of wax.”
Groups most curtly affected include Irish, Italian, Jews and Chinese with the later escaping further reproach due to an unfamiliar alphabet and the distinct characters used in their names. The hordes of Irish, Italians, Jews and Eastern Europeans that landed here, were quickly processed, due in part to expediency but just as much due to boredom and little power trips on the part of customs officials on the docks.
Many skirted the spell checks and kept their real names only after bribes were on the table. You could stay a Genovese or an O’Harahan if you greased the right palms. Otherwise if your name be Mikhail you were now Michaels or if it was once Berkowitz you were now named Berry.
My own great-grandfather’s name was O’Healy but was changed to Haley. He didn’t care one way of the other. He is purported to have told my father that “I had 25 cents in my pocket and I wasn’t getting back on that death ship. They could call me Cromwell for all I cared.”
The trusty spell checks mindlessly corrected the spellings of exotic and foreign names to make them more American. As a byproduct of the confusion this often allowing the bearer a better chance to assimilate and embrace vertical mobility. These modifications and adjustments, while further separating recent arrivals from their culture, may have been the first signs of the homogeneity that would follow.
Imagine showing up named Panicucci only to wake up the next day as Mr. Smith or escaping an immigrant ship under the name of Diarmuid to find you are now called Ms. Jones. Sometimes the names were shortened as we see within the Jewish (Goldfreid to Gold) and Eastern European groups (Adamczyk to Adams) or anglicized as we see in the ranks of Irishmen and Italians.
The many Africans that arrived beforehand (16th to 18th Centuries) had no discernible last names to begin with. They often adopted the family names associated their new “lifestyle”. Others embraced the names of leaders like Washington and Jefferson. We will discuss that mess just as soon as all of the Confederate monuments are destroyed and racism is thus terminated within our borders.
Many of the names were, of course, simply mangled and misinterpreted by a poorly trained and uneducated immigration work force akin to our own Homeland Security.
“One must fully comprehend that these were manually driven spell checkers without the benefit of communist wind power and solar energy,” said Dr. Fish from an earlier paragraph. “Hell, most of the people back then didn’t even have passwords.”
– Beyon’ Dynamite
Alexa Talks Potty Language
ALEXA SMART TOILET – AN AFFRONT TO PRIVACY?
The newly manufactured Alexa Toilet, by Kohler is the ultimate who it comes to avoiding manual labor. It warms your butt, lifts the lid, plays your favorite tunes and quietly flushes. No, it does not wipe or take selfies. Humans will still have to deal with those labors on their own.
But is Alexa in the toilet peeking? Do you really want to talk to your her in your toilet? Isn’t it bad enough that you yell back at your television and can’t manage to get across the street without your digital map? How far will humans go to escape from what is natural? Is Alexa active in compost circles? Does a bear shit in the woods?
The dog collar was one thing but a voice-activated digital assistant somewhere deep in the recesses of the toilet? Even the Czars didn’t have this! Is this classified as a bathroom necessity like a whirlpool bath and a fluffy rug?
It all might be valid if the thing changed diapers, made martinis or put the seat back up or down, depending on priorities. We have a barrage of Smart technology but while there may be trickling on the commode I don’t see anything intelligent trickling down to the masses. The sticker price of $6,000 pretty much defines who will be enjoying this gem anyhoot.
And although she probably does prevent the spread of germs, Alexa can be dangerous. Already we have lost a slew of technology faithful who got caught up in the soothing voice and fell down into the fascinating lavatorial device. A few managed to swim to safety while others were located a few blocks away. Some will likely never be found.
Attention: Be very careful using hemp toilet paper. Jeff Sessions accidentally used some the other day and his mood has lightened a bit and his appetite has improved significantly. He is said to be listening to a lot of blues and giving away all of his money. Wow Jeff, and that was just on one hit!
The media says “thousands” but there are hundreds of thousands taking to the streets!
Demonstrations all over the globe denouncing Trump. Massive crowds in most US cities and all over Europe and Asia.
