All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category

Apple releases core data on iBreathe

(Gunnison) The Apple Corporation confirmed today that Gunnison, Colorado has been designated official test market for its new iBreathe tablet. The iBreathe, a kissing cousin to iPad, e-Books and iPhone, will reportedly take over human bodily functions such as breathing and digestion while it corners daily constitutionals such as eating, drinking, sleeping and regularity.

According to Apple executives, the iBreathe will go a long way toward freeing up users for other functions such as tantric meditation, skiing and yard work.

“We’re proud of this one,” said someone who used to work at Apple, “and hope that by next year we can address the human factor, which continues to get in the way of technology. In short, we hope to introduce earth shattering products that will allow people to live on the planet without minimal effort.

Gunnison was chosen due to a curious harmony that exists between gadgetry and the great outdoors. People here, according to Apple researchers remain transfixed in a sort of reality limbo where state-of-the-art mountain bikes easily blend with the hardware of tomorrow and the frightening software common to full screen mode. Hick tech with a bagel. It is a distinct scenario that exists in few locales.

“We expect to see people more relying on these sorts of products to get through the day,” said one local computer game standout. “If one grows tired of natural body functions he can flip a switch and the iBreathe will do these for him.

The iBreathe is guaranteed to allow those living off the grid to stay in touch and help develop the computer skills that will be mandatory down the road. Although many fear that the inability to digest the barrage of computer lingo will lead to social and economic disaster, Apple says affordability will win out in the end.

The iBreath costs under $400,000 and is guaranteed for the life of the user. The investment, continues Apple, is about that of an overpriced house in the suburbs.

“We can clearly see the day when everyone will adapt their lives to computers, and not the other way around,” said a press release received this afternoon.

Our source had no comment when asked if Apple had developed similar products for pets and houseplants.

– Susie Compost

Jack’s Cabin Librarian Accused of Grand Larceny

(Almont) A veteran librarian here has been accused of stealing more than $10,000 from the county. The missing funds were reported this morning by library examiners from Powderhorn.

“The missing cash was stored in three cellophane bags marked with an X, said one investigator. “Most is in the form of crisp $50 bills with assorted change totaling $10,346.93.”

Authorities ask that anyone with information on the location of the loot call Crime Shoppers or simply come forward. A small reward is offered.

“Hair is the first thing. And teeth the second. Hair and teeth. A man got those two things he’s got it all.”    – James Brown (1933 – 2006)

Kim Clings to Emotional Support Nukes

(Seoul) With a groundbreaking summit close at hand, Kim Jong-un, Dear Leader of North Korea, is still not budging on an emotional support nuke clause in the preliminary agreements earmarked to be signed near the demilitarized zone on Friday.

The controversial clause calls for Kim’s continued possession of at least one small nuclear weapon as an emotional support vehicle. The North Korean despot would maintain the right to travel with and display the weapon through 2020. The continued custody was not expected to be a point of contention in a massive financial aid package offered by the West in return for the dismantling of Kim’s nuclear arsenal.

“Dear Leader needs emotional support to be sure,” said one former aide now in hiding in Laos. And what says buttress like an atomic bomb? People have emotional support dogs, emotional support financiers, even emotional support teams. Kim craves the security that can only be realized by the Big One close at hand. In short the North Korean leader wants to insure that he will retain some bang for his buck within the coming negotiations.

“It’s an ominous security blanket,” said the source.

In a related development diplomats insist that Kim Jong-un’s apparent change of heart when it comes to talking with the United States has nothing whatsoever with Kim’s alleged desire to meet porn star Stormy Daniels. Rumors have been flying in the Forbidden City that President Trump would “see to the introductions” in return for China’s help reigning in Kim.

“Chinese foreign Minister Wang Yi, his counterpart Ri Young of North Korea and Chinese President, Xi Jinping have been accused by human rights advocates of curousing in the company of Western floozies but Trump has yet to be linked to these high-level, low-end moral infractions.

– Yangtze Go Homme

GOVERNMENT TAKING YOUR TVS

Guns Safe For Now

(Montrose) With a federal mandate overlooked by the FCC all television is slated to be blacked out through July. This would include would include video games and internet.

Antennas, radios other listening devices are no use in this atmosphere of fear and trepidation. Citizens will have until June 15 to self-adjust and fill out forehead and background checks to qualify for state-subsidized fossil fuel powered stations in the future.

The old signal baggage (a faire signe la coquine) has been relocated to an unknown telecommunications space satellite somewhere upstairs. The keys to the entire outfit are reportedly “orbiting the earth as we speak”, according to the source, who refused to elaborate.

In response to this entertainment void the City of Montrose has begun installing hundreds of chessboards. Made of local wood products, the small tables dot the downtown and in tranquil, remote locations within the burgh. In addition the San Juan Horseshoe will begin publishing three magazines, two dailies, a bi-monthly sports review, a weekly, a real estate guide, a weather flyer and a weekend broadsheet. The website, a former monthly newspaper, will also give free tango lessons on Thursdays.

According to a gov’ment source familiar with these kinds of occurrences, the reason for the idiotboxus interruptus is the need for a realignment or in laymen’s terms to muck out positive and negative cholestérol from cable lines and wireless installations at the East Pole.

First industrial checkup since ____ (the day that Congress loosened controls on multiple media ownership in same markets.)

In spite of news accounts on several networks there will be no need to surrender your TVs. FCC deputies will not be coming by to collect them.

“In September or so we’ll do a quick assessment and see if anyone wants the system recharged or if they noticed its absence,” said a technician who watches wires at the government agency. “Maybe then we’ll leave it in sleep mode until football season.”

– Estelle Marmotbreath

Republicans continue to lose seats

(Bland Valley) In the face of an expected Democrat counterattack this fall Republicans continue to lose seats due to special elections, scandalous retirements, indictments and apparent lack of interest in the governing process.

Since February 2018 the GOP has lost two recliners, one chase lounge, three couches, a velour love seat, several blue deck chairs, four bar stools, a parachute landing device, five desk chairs, over-stuffed easy chairs, fainting couches, plastic chairs, canvass beach ensembles, throwback, antique and inflatable seats, 12 sets of kitchen chairs, assorted regressing patio perches and  judge’s bench.

“I don’t care how many seats they mislay,” said Abner Quitee, 111, who has never voted Democrat for been out of Mesa County, his entire life. “But some of us are a bit concerned that with the recent losses there on’t be anywhere to sit down. I guess there are those dusty hammocks or the metal chairs down in the potato cellar.”

Insiders in the party. themselves clutching one-way tickets, say this is no funny business. It took a while but the people finally figured out our little rich man – poor man scam.”

“We already know those godless Democrats have futons, wine racks, yoga mats and worldly designs on their chairs,” said one state representative near tears. “Some are even made of marijuana.”

On the other side of  the slippery aisle voices have been raised asking if it is really possible to be xenophobic about an oak rockier? There was no joy in Foggy Bottom or on Capitol Hill though, since voters still remember the Dems showing up with rented furniture in 2000 and 2004.

Voters in several Red States, moved by such a shortfalls at first promised to deliver reinforcements in the form of furniture rostered above. However, due in part to a series of transgressions (Read: Spending scandals by top HUD and EPA appointees) many have rescinded on the offer.

– Susie Compost

Can robots be racist?

A recent incident at a Philly Starbucks where two Black patrons were arrested for trespassing (while sitting at a table waiting for a third friend to arrive), showcases a corporate mentality based on fear, phoniness and expedience. This soulless infrastructure creates paranoid and programmed behavior among the Kool-Aid sucking minions of entwined in its caffein empire.

Starbucks has stolen a piece of Americana as it builds more stores and drives smaller competitors from the marketplace. This company has intruded into a wonderful ritual of slamming coffee with friends in the morning. It has substituted plastic stir sticks and litter cups for civilized utensils, porcelain and heart.  Are their coffee beans grown in China?

Companies like Starbucks have snuffed out the cultural aspects of the corner cafe and the crucial socialization that goes with it. Diversity is the enemy of market control. Starbucks has replaced it with a synthetic experience when the nation needs a sugar bowl full of culture.

The robot manager of the mega-corp coffee pusher was no doubt a perfect example of a another loyal employee ascending up the ladder: He’s got that Starbucks glow! They didn’t even fire him, which is a surprise considering he benefits of applied scapegoatism. They moved him to another of their countless burnt coffee outlets. By doing so Starbucks condones his corporate-racist behavior.

Is he now presiding over costly cups of coffee in a white neighborhood where other robots sip each day looking for the last remnants of social interaction in a country that sold its soul for a swindled latte?

The mindless manager is the poster child for Starbucks and all corporate intrusion into our lives. The fact that this troll has exhibited racist behavior is no surprise given his status and standing. In the City of Brotherly Love we really don’t want the brothers in our nicer neighborhoods anyway.

Boycott Starbucks? You should have been avoiding the place from the start due to the mass marketed, mass produced and the mass flocking of the sheep. One incident does not define an entity. The business of selling coffee to trademark junkies and people who need some banner to follow is the real problem. It’s one that our kids will have to deal with when they grasp for threads of humanity left in our society.

In America, racism is eating us up and corporate power is spitting us out.