All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category
GOD HOLDING BACK ON DAMAGE DEPOSIT
In a rare proviso, the Big Boys in Heaven, have resolutely ordained that the damage deposit on earth, allegedly paid by one Adam and his wife Eve (no last name given) many centuries ago, will not be returned.
Judged to be authentic even though it had no return address, the dictatorial edict is expected to have far-reaching affects. If the caveat is put in motion it would almost certainly cause frantic migrations, a food crisis and could throw flags and nationalism into the toilet.
The undisclosed sum, held in trust for thousands of years, was an integral part of the overall agreement signed when humans first rented the planet. The amount in question was not made public although with economic factors such as inflation and interest, experts say it is somewhere in the neighborhood of 25 trillion dollars.
Several in Congress are attempting to make contact with the Landlord but to no avail. Even politicians who claim to talk to God everyday are perplexed and frustrated by the turn of events.
“They should have seen this coming,” said one environmental activist. “They moved in to a perfectly clean, well stocked, paradise but trashed the place.”
Another was not so kind.
“I don’t know why an all-knowing being allowed them to continue to live there,” said an EPA official who demanded anonymity. “I’d have kicked their arses out the first time they were late on a rent payment.
“The United States,” he said, is the worst perpetrator since that country had the ways and means to combat the growing disaster and did little preferring to adopt a tragic ideology saying that everything on earth was for their consumption without peril.”
Authorities were hesitant to confirm the obvious. The humans, they say, have done some wonderful things while inheriting the earth and that “we are dedicated to making it a better place for all.”
Many in Congress see the foggy move as a bluff, saying that God would have a tough time finding renters for such a large property. They stressed that the communique was in code and quite vague depending on how one read it.
“We need to make a deal with Him and secure a few indications of what’s up next. Those monies are earmarked for our next pay raise.”
An earthly spokesman for the Heavens (We certainly have an overrun) says he believes God is quite serious about the breakup.
“The sore points,” he flinched, “revolve around the destruction of the seas, the uneven distribution of wealth, over-population, the ozone, the celebration of ignorance, programmed fear, rampant distrust, and mindless greed.”
“There is a whole roster within The 7 Deadly Sins. You could look it up,” he said
“You’ll see that money when hell freezes over,” continued the notice which stopped short of demanding immediate evacuation. “Evictions in some of the more ravaged regions will begin shortly.”
Several aborigine societies clustered around the globe will be exempt from the house cleaning, since their civilization has coexisted with natural laws as part of the framework of their civilization. Insiders suggest that these enlightened, often nomadic clans could inherit the whole ball of wax by virtue of an option to buy clause written into the next lease.
“You humans are already in his cross hairs. Nobody up here much like you since you have no respect for the gifts given you. Dialogues de sourds (conversations of the deaf) will do nothing but antagonize heaven, a pleasant enough place many of you scoundrels will never see even from your Hummers and private jets.”
This morning a United Nations’ partisan commission was set up to review the situation. Members appeared clearly overwhelmed as to what a first step may constitute, according to seraphs familiar with omnipresent thinking patterns. After a few speeches and impotent motions the lawmakers adjourned for an extravagant luncheon featuring dolphin steaks, sea turtle soup, whooping crane meringue with flambéed sea otter, and an assortment of other known intelligent delicacies, once deemed endangered species.
– Uncle Pahgre
WYOMING EXPANDS FOOD CHAIN, FLAUNTS THE EXOTIC
(Cody, Wyoming) Wilderness voices today declared that Wyoming will be the first state to introduce large marsupials* to the western United States. In introducing antilopine kangaroos to its wide-open spaces the Cowboy State continues a tradition of bronco rides in the local legislature as well as on the national stage.
Readers may recall that Wyoming was the first state to pass women’s suffrage in 1869.
The inclusion of kangaroos, wallabies, and koalas would really expand an already diverse cross-section of mammals prowling the place, according to people who spend a lot of time outside in the wind.
The prize acquisition, the kangaroo is known to be tough with his feet, making the species a good bet to survive in the summer, and then migrate to Arizona in the winter.
Wallabies differ from ‘roos in that they burrow and hibernate in their little pouches, often not rising until the Fourth of July. They are the meanest animals on the planet and represent a formidable challenge to hungry wolves and mountain lions. The common Bunbury wallaby is related to Rocky Mountain marmot on their mother’s side of the family.
Koalas, on the other hand are cute and withdrawn. They should enjoy eating all of the eucalyptus trees that cover more than 70% of the territory. The panda-like bear are known to appreciate a nice chicken fried steak, wild asparagus pie, biscuits and gravy, camp beans and a cold beer every so often.
Already some 200 inmates from special plea bargain units of several state prisons are at work building wind fences, securing gated communities and drilling oil wells in apprehension of the needs of their new neighbors. By the time most of these men are released from prison the species should be well entrenched in the region.
“If this experiment goes well we will be in line to adopt several Tasmanian Devils that, in addition to bringing the grace and good taste of Down Under are said to be a hoot on Saturday night,” continued the source. “Lord knows we could use a little excitement around here in April.”
*Of course there are an assortment of opossums on every corner in North America and let us not forget the tiny Biting Microbiothera that is attracted to synthetic fibers and snap beans. This could but probably does not include the more erotic Delphian strains but certainly not bandicoots and bilbies.
– Billy Mosca
Passing the Buck a Luxury No More
The United States may have finally run out of bucks to pass according to a source in the Treasury Department who is familiar with these kinds of measures. After almost 250 years of pointing the finger, skirting the issues, placing the blame and scapegoating, the nation appears to have exhausted its supply of bucks to pass.
According to calm heads within the agency the crisis has been mounting for centuries then it exploded in the 80s and 90s when nobody seemed willing to take responsibility for anything. The demand soon outgrew the supply and we began importing our bucks.
By 2010 a serious trade imbalance had emerged threatening rationalization, honesty and integrity all over this great land. Now more half of all bucks consumed originated in foreign lands, leaving us woozy and depleted as well as culturally bankrupt.
“Does this mean people will have to look in the mirror?” asked one militant liability accountant at the Pentagon. “Does this mean our budgets will be scrutinized by independent committees? We have been performing well with other branches of the government. The whole rotting system supports even encourages the passing of the buck.”
While the most blatant buck passing is documented within federal walls, state and local leaders have been guilty of the practice too, saying that they often have no recourse due to decisions made by the higher ups in the chamber.
“But it is not fair, conclusive or rehabilitative,” said the source, “to blame these omissions and infractions solely on elected officials and their appointees when we have millions engaging in similar acts every day.
“Passing the buck is not like musical chairs or pin the tail on the honky, harmless games for children. This manifestation of chronic irresponsibility teamed with Me First thinking is pounding and ramming at the gates of our souls. Morality under siege because no one is willing to secure the castle gate.”
– Susie Compost
“Don’t have to think. Don’t need to choose. Just listen to my preacher and mainline Fox News.”
- from Song of Republicanus, 2018
PEOPLE NEED MORE SLEEP IN SPRING, SAYS DOC
(Snorewood) The average human requires more sleep at the change of seasons than during the rest of the year according to one bloated authority on the subject. Dr. Efram Pennywhistle, author of Cat Naps, Siestas and Blackouts, told a group of insomniacs here that due to energy shifts and the onset of cold weather the body descends into a semi-hibernation pattern not unlike that one experienced by other fur-bearing mammals.
“Ignoring this bodily function can lead to depression and illness,” said Pennywhistle. “One must learn to properly respond when the body makes demands of this nature. Fighting off fatigue in favor of career considerations or in order to honor social obligations can be devastating.”
Pennywhistle estimates that the average, healthy human may require up to 22 hours of sleep per day with many getting by with as few as 18 hours in a 24-hour period.
“Put that Protestant work ethic out to pasture this time of the year and resign yourself to some horizontal therapy,” said the doctor who added that “just spending extended time in bed, especially when engaging in amorous behavior, will not fill the bill when good old-fashioned rest is what is needed.”
– Rocky Flats
Sagebrush Continues to Pile Up on Pennsylvania Avenue
(Warshington) Tons of sagebrush, dropped off in apprehension of a spiritual cleansing of the White House, is still blocking the pavement tonight despite attempts by Deep State and Park Personnel to remove them.
The colossal heaps, growing into mammoth mountain masses, began as a tiny offering of one small sagebrush plant brought by one or another group defamed, insulted and/or maligned by the present occupant of the heavily guarded white mansion. The miniscule deposit continued to grow to epic proportions in response to calls for “a spiritual awakening in the charlatan caverns of what was once a dignified dwelling.”
An eerie countdown accompanied the gathering of both people and plants. Sagebrush is said to have healing powers when burned. The sage burning ritual, or smudging, is an Indigenous American practice, which cleanses auras and rids a place of bad energy.
“It’s a spiritual communion that changes the shifting air element and transforms our experience to a mystical one,” said Alice Wiccan, an activist who says she would rather wait for “certain people to voluntarily relinquish claims to the place and leave due to their own premonitions.”
According to ancient beliefs a simple ritual will purify a given location by driving out conflict, anger and evil. “Air, fire, water, earth, cleanse, dismiss, dispel” is a popular mantra if readers would like to try the process in their homes.
Yesterday, over at the Capitol, sagebrush was ignited sending senators, congressmen and lobbyists heading for cover. Many thought it was a protest against the lingering criminality of cannabis or a book burning and continued with the business at hand: How to recover and salvage over 250 stranded yachts, crippled by Hurricane Maria. When they found out about the sagebrush they dropped all pretense about pleasure craft, tabling any further talk about the vanquished island territory and its desperate residents without basic human services.
Sagebrush like this, much of it from Western Colorado, continues to buildup on Pennsylvania Avenue, blocking traffic but sending a sweet scent into the air in the nations’ capital.
Activists plan to release the home addresses of citizens that fall into the One Percent category so that enthusiasts can cleanse their residences too in the spirit of brotherly love.
Despite accusations on the part of Attorney General Jeff Sessions no one appeared to be smoking the stuff as of noon today. The pile is expanding despite efforts on the part of District Refuse Specialists to haul it over to _________ County in Maryland.
“It worked for the refugees from gentrification,” said a Sessions’ aide.
The current resident of the Oval Office was not available for comment during the ruckus. A spokesman for his skeletal staff confirmed reports that he was busy hosting a banquet for the World Wrestling Federation in the West Wing Coliseum. They then nervously exhorted their anxious, yet loyal colleagues to man their guns insisting that the Air Force was not likely to attack the White House after only one eviction notice.
– Warren of Wexley
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Who’s Afraid of The Ides of March?
Even though technically the Ides of March refers to March 15, we consider it important to notify readers of its upcoming arrival. While the only person in recorded history directly affected by The Ides* was Julius Caesar, there is no reason to take chances what with spring just around the corner.
The initial problem with The Ides is grammatical in that the term is singular and can be used only with a singular verb. The Ides is is correct while The Ides are is rudimentary hillbilly.
When attempting to examine The Ides, most reference is to the assassinated Roman Emperor brought back to life by William Shakespeare in his tragic 1600 play, Julius Caesar. Here he coined the term The Ides of March in order to frighten the English peasantry, who populated most of his weekend audience.
Along with all this ascribing to Caesar we found little mention of much else: a Thornton Wilder novel and the website of Ides Inc., a plastic materials information managements company. Despite the fact that Czar Nicholas abdicated on March 15, 1917 Julius Caesar has corned the market on The Ides which have become synonymous with the offing of this particular dictator 2050 years ago.**
Robert Krulwich, of National Public Radio suggests that the hit men themselves celebrated the successful coup by singing Roman beer drinking songs such as 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall using Roman numerals. The thought of swooning Roman senators belting out mathematically challenging tunes at what he calls an “Apres Slaying Party” is certainly a possibility. However, did they do it before or after a trip to the vomitorium?
Precautions taken for The Ides should be simple and direct. Experts suggest that if one must leave the house he should not mingle with congregating bodies of politicians in strange haircuts. In addition, he should particularly avoid government buildings with marble steps and columns. Do not respond to invitations from anyone named Brutus, Cassias, Boomer, Portia or Bluto. Calm power trips, which may provoke violence on the part of already, agitated co-workers
Gaius Julius Caesar
And don’t go anywhere wearing only a flimsy toga. It may be starting to look warm outside but it’s still winter and you could freeze your arse.
Getting back to the scene at the Forum, it is apparent from his arrival from Gaul that Caesar is about to go under the knife. It is likewise clear that Brutus orchestrated the murder with the help of Ligarius and Trebonius (who allegedly preferred piano wire to knives) while Cassias was only supposed to drive the getaway chariot.
The plan itself was childish. Had leaders like Cicero and Publius not been out campaigning or investigating the ethics of their colleagues in the senate they might have long in advance ferreted out the planned attack and called the Praetorian Guard. They might have blamed the whole attempt on Gaelic terrorists and bumped up the military ante. God only knows the Gauls had a motive to waste Caesar after all that reconnoitering up north.
But alas, poor Caesar.
*Hereafter we will refer to the Ides of March as The Ides because we want to. The Ides are the 15th day of March, May, July and October and the 13h day of the other months. The Ides of March is the first day of spring.
**Of note: there is the instrumental, The Ides of March, by Iron Maiden from the album Killer acknowledging the event.
