All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category

Hormone Spill Closes Stream of Consciousness

(Montrose) A massive hormone spill caused in part by concentrated high school graduation exercises has closed the Stream of Consciousness at least until next week. Civil engineers currently working around the clock to unclog and free up the waterway say they are making progress but the shear impact from hormonal tissue is tough to control.

“We get one current going the right way and before we know it there’s another emotional outburst or pubescent rip tides and we’re back where we started,” said one worker on the site.

The Army Corps of Engineers has considered calling in air strikes or dynamiting shallow areas but at present only shovels and one dredging machine are hard at it.

“I don’t see why all these hormones are so active now,” said the worker. “Maybe it’s spring fever.”

The State of Colorado was quick to reassure fishermen that the spill did not endanger fish and that the matter would be cleared up long before the Memorial Day Weekend.

“We may have some sensitive fish,” said one DOW spokesperson, “but everything should be back to normal soon. “I myself have never seen a trout with zits.”

The San Juan Horseshoe: Cautiously Optimistic since 1977

Colona’s Plan to Welcome Aliens Slammed by Xenophobes

Their tiny oval shapes hovering, zipping in and out of view, eager to the be the first on the ground. Astronomically diverse faces press the windows of the craft. Veteran crews awaiting the first liberty in five years, visitors from outer space living the life of a star traveler.

“The invitation to land was probably a bit premature since there are only a few aliens that we know of actually living in Colona at present,” said Sam Zonuvovitz, a liaison for the Big Bang Bible Institute, a curious think tank at odds with itself. “If a whole mob of them shows up this weekend we wouldn’t even know what to cook for lunch.”

Meanwhile in nearby Montrose it appears to be common knowledge among the chattering folk that most of Colona is of alien stock (Martian and Plutonian primarily).

“Despite the rumors, no belligerents dared approach the ancient fortress at Wildcat Creek nor have skeleton corps attempted a feared anvil and hammer motion to the north and west. Semi-flankers and irregulars were repulsed yesterday after accidentally storming Horsefly Canyon, and later pushed back into the sea of uncertainty. Other ragtag elements playfully showed their teeth but exhibited no claws, refusing numerable times to flank themselves and reinforce their fellows despite high winded urging of officers careening of Storm King and the fields of clover beyond.

“It is impossible to be flanked unless you are aware that you are being flanked,” said Zonuvovitz. “If you don’t know you are being flanked you are not really being flanked at all. Colona does not know enough about classic flanking maneuvers to be flanked. It’s that simple.”

– Gabby Haze

State to burn excess run-off

(Denver) Due to rumors of increased moisture this spring state officials will begin burning excess run-off as early as next week, according to an unreliable spokesperson here. The controlled burns would be centered on areas of excess water depth including defiant snow fields, permanent wetlands and alpine swampy regions thought to be the source of great rivers.

     Man-made reservoirs will most likely be exempt from the flames since most are tied up in use litigation or remain under the jurisdiction of municipal ownership.

     “What we want to avoid here is late summer flooding when all that snow decides to come rushing down the mountain,” said one Front Range ditch rider. We’ll be confiscating Rocky Mountain spring water, un-seeding clouds and condemning mountain lakes that were nowhere to be seen last summer.”

Ponds used for agriculture, illegal estuaries and backyard swimming pools will receive no quarter in this latest attempt to divert nature.

Officials in Arapahoe County expressed dismay that the run-off would have to be destroyed saying that they have a right to the water since it is not currently employed in industry or agriculture.

“If we had even half the water earmarked for burning we could build thousands of new houses connected by miles of highways going nowhere,” said one local politician.

Desert states served by Colorado River basin water will have until early June to fill toilet tanks and hot tubs before their burgeoning sources are cut off.

“We really enjoy the part where we turn off the Big Faucet and watch their lawns turn to dust,” said one Colorado Water Board spokesman.

Skeptics of the plan say there is no way the state can effectively burn water. In addition they say the water would be better dumped into the ocean than burned. Proponents of the controlled burn say the targeted water will be flammable enough after the introduction of combustible chemicals.

“We’re doing our level-headed best to keep these ignitable additives out of the ground water but, frankly, we won’t know the results until we can accumulate valid feedback from citizens,” said one water wizard. “Insofar as pouring the water into the ocean, that would be am expensive proposal and besides, there’s all that salt with which to contend.”   

– Pepper Salte       

Colorado will file charges against tomato purveyors

(Garden of the Gods) Colorado is finally confronting bad tomatoes that, like apples, can spoil the bushel. In an unsuspected reshuffling of produce priorities the attorney general’s office will pursue criminal charges against parties bringing tasteless fruit into the state.

A tomato that look like a tomato but tastes like cardboard is the target of the action. Besides sending a dangerous message to taste buds these pulpy nightshade phonies seriously protract and decelerate gastronomic advancements common to other cultures.

Acknowledging that these efforts is not meant as vague consumer protection or the adoption of cloudy restrictions on the import of other fruits and vegetables the prosecutors agreed that legislation alone will not improve taste. Harvesting the tomatoes while they are not ripe is the bugaboo that ranks shipping ease ahead of quality. Until this practice is remedied the problem will remain.

‘Past failures at setting the bar for what is a good tomato and what is a bad one have needlessly created a culinary emergency,” said a spokesman for the state. “Misappropriation in quality control, corporate expediency, mindless consumerism and outright fraud have all contributed to this mess,” she said.

“If people would simply refuse to buy these facsimiles and demand the real thing the market would correct itself overnight,” said a green grocer who refuses to sell fake produce. “These red herrings are nothing more than replicas, like the plastic offerings that inhabit non-perishable bowls in tacky kitchen displays and Dutch Master still-life paintings.”

Plans to subsidize organic gardens remains on the table with many lawmakers edgy that people have already accepted these impersonators as the real thing like they often do with so many other civic and clerical intrusions into their lives.

“At this point we are not looking at a blockade or of imposed sanctions against perpetrators but all options are still in play,” said a source from the attorney general’s office. “However we are monitoring public input which often turns resentful, even bitter as traditional summer salad season emerges.

– Pepper Salte

STATE DEPARTMENT ISSUES TRAVEL WARNING

(WASHINGTON) U.S. Dept of State – Bureau of Consular Affairs has issued a travel warning for a sagging perimeter between New York and Los Angeles effective midnight tonight EST.

The advisory was posted for travelers to and within the United States due to the existence of “unsafe, unstable institutions, and a population prone to violence.” It went on to say that “Despite rampant jingoism and much flag waving the entire nation is polarized beyond recognition wallowing in the dust swirls of distrust.”

The government agency classified the Eastern Seaboard as sketchy and tourists were urged to employ increased precaution when visiting the region. Meanwhile the Midwest was tagged with a reconsider travel recommendation and the South was labeled as do not travel.

The notification council and comfort status are based entirely on rumors and questionable appraisals by people familiar with these kinds of issues. Experiences depend entirely on a long roster of variables, comfort being comparative and security being relative.

– Warren of Wexley

Apple releases core data on iBreathe

(Gunnison) The Apple Corporation confirmed today that Gunnison, Colorado has been designated official test market for its new iBreathe tablet. The iBreathe, a kissing cousin to iPad, e-Books and iPhone, will reportedly take over human bodily functions such as breathing and digestion while it corners daily constitutionals such as eating, drinking, sleeping and regularity.

According to Apple executives, the iBreathe will go a long way toward freeing up users for other functions such as tantric meditation, skiing and yard work.

“We’re proud of this one,” said someone who used to work at Apple, “and hope that by next year we can address the human factor, which continues to get in the way of technology. In short, we hope to introduce earth shattering products that will allow people to live on the planet without minimal effort.

Gunnison was chosen due to a curious harmony that exists between gadgetry and the great outdoors. People here, according to Apple researchers remain transfixed in a sort of reality limbo where state-of-the-art mountain bikes easily blend with the hardware of tomorrow and the frightening software common to full screen mode. Hick tech with a bagel. It is a distinct scenario that exists in few locales.

“We expect to see people more relying on these sorts of products to get through the day,” said one local computer game standout. “If one grows tired of natural body functions he can flip a switch and the iBreathe will do these for him.

The iBreathe is guaranteed to allow those living off the grid to stay in touch and help develop the computer skills that will be mandatory down the road. Although many fear that the inability to digest the barrage of computer lingo will lead to social and economic disaster, Apple says affordability will win out in the end.

The iBreath costs under $400,000 and is guaranteed for the life of the user. The investment, continues Apple, is about that of an overpriced house in the suburbs.

“We can clearly see the day when everyone will adapt their lives to computers, and not the other way around,” said a press release received this afternoon.

Our source had no comment when asked if Apple had developed similar products for pets and houseplants.

– Susie Compost