All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category
Franklins Recalled
(Denver Mint) The United States Treasury has begun pulling popular Benjamin Franklin $100-dollar bills out of circulation. The action follows a wagonload of charges linked to alleged sexual indiscretion on the part of American icon dating back to the 1700s.
Franklin, a gifted inventor, intellectual and signer of the Declaration of Independence has been accused of initiating unwanted predatory sexual advances by a cross-section of woman in both Philadelphia and Paris from 1760 – 1785. No one has admitted or denied anything at this time, in part because the actions allegedly took place over 230 years ago.
Whether creditable witnesses can be reached or if accusers will simply emerge is anyone’s guess. Potential prosecutors are still out to lunch on the matter and, what with the clogged courts, a preliminary hearing has already been kicked back to 2023.
Official USA-IOU Bar Napkins will temporarily replace the currency. These are available at various government outlets and through the Office of Tax Reduction and National Debt. In addition voters can pick up the coded bar napkins at the polling booth in November unless the world ends first. The original Franklins, for decades honored as proud standards of our republic, are now technically out of circulation.
Benjamin Franklin often dismissed critics (vis-a-vis his pants down approach) citing his chronic gout, adding that it was still the 18th Century and the progressive ideas promoted by the Sons of Liberty did not yet tender sympathy for the plight of female counterparts or consequences for perpetrators. In short: It wasn’t his fault that he was charming and of means. It wasn’t his doing that created the sins of Paris. He was only a studious observer who felt compelled to join in and enjoy what he was observing.
It remains unclear whether it will end up being cheaper to simply substitute for the engraving of Franklin and keep the current bills or print brand new ones with someone else’s mug in the hot spot. Citizens have already filed 2000 nominations to replace the late and amorous statesman. Some arrive with little kites and keys attached. Some are written in Chinese and Russian.
An alternate/radical printing effort in Denver has proposed using not Poor Richard (from the almanac) but instead Little Richard, the rock n roller, on the bills. Three times as many people interviewed by phone recognized the song “Betty Lou’s Gettin’ Out Tonight than could identify the “A penny saved is a penny earned”. So be it.
“By the time they plough through all the red tape $100 will be worth only $50 anyway,” said a local numismatist, “so it might be easier to trade blankets for whiskey. Get it?”
– Fanny Albright
Colorado Golf Courses Look to Hemp as Savior
(Mañana) Many local golf courses could be watering hemp instead of grass by 2020. Over the past two seasons the herb has emerged as a favorite of the thirsty recreation industry in the Rockies and other dry, high altitude fairways.
Although the beautiful aspen and pine would not be disturbed and the out-of-bounds would still be dominated by wicked sagebrush and cedar, the fairways, tee boxes and even the greens would be nurtured as and comprised of hemp.
Work-a-day golfers appear to have been caught with their drivers down due to changes that would be taking place and dollars that would be saved. Elite memberships have applauded the fiscal benefits of industrial hemp mowed and tapered to a fine trim. They say there have been no complaints.
“It gives a new meaning to the word “fairway”, said Harry Player, professional at Mother of Pearl Ski and Golf in Wimpton.
“It flourishes with less water than grass creating a powerfully dense landscape and attractive out of bounds area,” he said. “It’s naturally resistant to most pests. It winds its way tightly and out-competes most weeds. It in harmony with most climates and soil types and the scent is restful and serene. It’s so good the gov’ment had to make it illegal so the oil and lumber interests could survive,” he laughed.
Instructors in Washington and Oregon, who have observed the affects of hemp on handicaps, say their students are less demanding and regular players are more relaxed resulting fewer strokes and better scores. Despite the common distractions associated with the herb the overall affect is quite functional in 85% of the cases tested. The plant has a calming affect even without the THC component.
Meanwhile in golf course snack bars and lunch counters sales are brisk with appetites enticed by the tantalizing aromas and pungent floral display. Maintenance and office staff appear comfortable surrounded by the almost idyllic growth, are more relaxed and therefore more productive. Hemp parking lots, which have been around for decades, create shade and allow for a natural blueprint and further green space to be enjoyed by the community.
Several Confront Range courses are already using hemp oil to power golf carts saving money and providing a smoother ride over newly mowed hemp landing zones and grassy greens. Most say they will phase out grass altogether by 2025. Soon, industry spokesmen predict, a majority of sport facilities will turn toward the herb to provide everything from sunscreen to flood lights to ball washers, and at half the cost.
“We don’t need Chinese promotional products anymore either,” crowed an enthusiastic greenskeeper. “We’ll be crafting our own caps, gloves, and polos with hemp instead of cotton, which requires the application of dangerous pesticides and more water to thrive. Next year we hope to introduce golf bags made of domestically raised hemp.”
– Rex Monteleone
(Warning: The U.S. Assembly of Chips and Putts reminder: Inbounds smoking of cannabis on most green zone courses, while seemingly in perfect rhythm with your swing and your attitude is strictly forbidden by federal law. Violators will be arrested and put into private prisons where they will rake sand traps and build fence until their quart date emerges.)
Cattlemen’s Days – Hot Summer and Good Times
Rodeo fans enjoy a Colorado Saturday night in Gunnison.
Rox Relief pitchers to be paid by the hour
With the exception of both Wade Davis and Adam Ottavino, Colorado Rockies relief pitchers will now be paid by the hour. Rescinding former salaries (such as the $27 million paid to Jake McGee for three years) the new scale takes into account past performances and introduces healthy incentive packages to mound keepers who can keep the lid on in the later innings.
Hopeless hurlers such as Brian Shaw (27 million over 3 years) Mike Dunn ($19 million over three years) Chris Rusin ($1.3 million for one year) and Scott Oberg (a measly 550,000 to blow games – with a 4-0 record to boot!) are dead weight on the team’s hot air ballon. Imagine the price of beer if the team could regulate or outright shed these expenses paid out to people who have not performed well.
“We’d be just as well to dig a hole in left field and throw the money into it,” said one former coach. “The big shots in the front office continually foul up but will not admit their mistakes (Take Ian Desmond for example).
And if the wasted offensive effort was not enough McGee and Dunn have informed the Rockies that they would be joining the circus when it comes through town in August.
“The circus has picked up several options on Shaw and Rusin but we are not clear as to the details at the moment,” quacked a Rockies’ bigwig who is slated to be fed to the lions as part of Denver Zoo/Cougar-Bubblehead Night in September.
Circus officials did not return our calls but issued a joint statement on Friday confirming a slew of the rumors and suggested, “our lions are very hungry too.”
– Neville Hoser
Feds Raid Dating Service
(Colona) In what was initially perceived to be yet another muscle flexing on the part of Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE), federal agents ransacked the offices of Wildcat Matchmaking last night seizing laptops, bank records and customer portfolios.
The fledgling business, that ICE insists is front for smuggling as well as massive money laundering, was shuttered immediately and several top executives were taken into custody and will be the subject of intense scrutiny while the meat of the investigation sizzles on the grill. Wildcat opened in April and claimed a rabid customer base of over 20,000.
“We don’t fully comprehend these colossal implications or the magnitude of the confiscations,” said a neighbor. “They seemed like nice enough people although they often blocked my driveway with their pink 1967 Mustang convertible. The billboards and neon were a little much too.”
An overnight ICE raid in Colona has left both citizens and the authorities in shock
No one in Colona admitted to using the service.
“The social life here is off the charts,” said one lifelong resident. “What do we need a matchmaking service for? We’re all already matched, some more than others. They could have been making moonshine, keeping contraband livestock and/or printing counterfeit currency. Nobody knows. Nobody cares.”
The authorities were tight-lipped implying only that jealously controlled Log Hill spice routes and a surge in lucrative weapons sales in the West End could easily start World War III.
“We’re here to put a stop to that,” said an ICE spokesperson.
-Alfalfa Romero
Elvis Denier on Ballot in Tennessee
(Memphis) A candidate for state representative here says Elvis is a hoax. Insisting that the legendary singer was a product of the music payola of the 50s, Rudolph Peckerman says the real flesh and blood Elvis was a concoction and that the persona never existed much less performed.
“That hips and hair act was done with mirrors to benefit the kings and queens of the music industry,” said Peckerman. “The real rhythm and blues was generated by Black Americans and this Elvis phenomenon was carefully created to counter perceive threats and jealousies within the white listening audience. It was the Charlie Pride thing only in reverse.”
Whether Peckerman has a chance of winning any votes so near Graceland remains to be seen while insiders question his dismissive, hostile tone taken toward the American icon. Supporters are hoping that their candidate does well with young voters who do not remember Presley. Meanwhile Elvis defenders are standing up at regiment strength. Many want Peckerman deported to Kentucky which is not covered by any of his insurance policies and could bankrupt the disruptive upstart.
“We have footage. We have DNA. We have a birth certificate. We have dental records. We have off-spring,” shot Amanda Highnote, a Presley Museum curator who finds these accusations ridiculous and a bit painful.
“Why can’t these politicians leave well enough alone?” she seethed. “If people want an Elvis they should be able to have one. Faith has nothing to do with this.”
Other Elvis enthusiasts suggested that Peckerman would soon receive a visit from a certain ghost which would set the record straight and knock Peckerman off his high horse before election day. Recent examinations confirm 2016 findings that 99.3% of people in Tennessee and Mississippi believe that Elvis was a real person.
“You can’t get heart and soul like that from digital beeps and sound bytes,” said a DJ from Oxford. “This reeks of thick-headed blasphemy at a time where truth is a second consideration and partisanship rules. We need people who will stand up for what is good about this country. The next thing you know some scalawag will be telling us Johnny Cash was Canadian.”
– Tommy Middlefinger
