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Elvis Denier on Ballot in Tennessee

(Memphis) A candidate for state representative here says Elvis is a hoax. Insisting that the legendary singer was a product of the music payola of the 50s, Rudolph Peckerman says the real flesh and blood Elvis was a concoction and that the persona never existed much less performed.

“That hips and hair act was done with mirrors to benefit the kings and queens of the music industry,” said Peckerman. “The real rhythm and blues was generated by Black Americans and this Elvis phenomenon was carefully created to counter perceive threats and jealousies within the white listening audience. It was the Charlie Pride thing only in reverse.”

Whether Peckerman has a chance of winning any votes so near Graceland remains to be seen while insiders question his dismissive, hostile tone taken toward the American icon. Supporters are hoping that their candidate does well with young voters who do not remember Presley. Meanwhile Elvis defenders are standing up at regiment strength. Many want Peckerman deported to Kentucky which is not covered by any of his insurance policies and could bankrupt the disruptive upstart.

“We have footage. We have DNA. We have a birth certificate. We have dental records. We have off-spring,” shot Amanda Highnote, a Presley Museum curator who finds these accusations ridiculous and a bit painful.

“Why can’t these politicians leave well enough alone?” she seethed. “If people want an Elvis they should be able to have one. Faith has nothing to do with this.”

Other Elvis enthusiasts suggested that Peckerman would soon receive a visit from a certain ghost which would set the record straight and knock Peckerman off his high horse before election day. Recent examinations confirm 2016 findings that 99.3% of people in Tennessee and Mississippi believe that Elvis was a real person.

“You can’t get heart and soul like that from digital beeps and sound bytes,” said a DJ from Oxford. “This reeks of thick-headed blasphemy at a time where truth is a second consideration and partisanship rules. We need people who will stand up for what is good about this country. The next thing you know some scalawag will be telling us Johnny Cash was Canadian.”

– Tommy Middlefinger

FIRST FOURTH OF JULY BARBECUE A REAL BASH

by Melvin Toole, whose  ancestors never agreed to sign anything

“I may never attend another tea party as long as I live”

                                                – King George III of  England, in response to protests in Boston Harbor, 1773.

“Who brought the potato salad?”

                                                                                                 – Josiah Bartlett, of New Hampshire, about an hour after the approval of the Declaration of Independence, July 4, 1776

     The tradition of Fourth of July barbecues has been with us for almost 250 years. Appropriately enough, the first one was celebrated while the ink was still wet on a cherished document that declared the independence of the Thirteen American Colonies from Great Britain.* Since the end of the French and Indian War tension between the British Crown and the Colonies had increased significantly. The conflict had left the  royal treasury depleted. The British were real estate poor and needed cash run the empire. The solution? Raise taxes in the Colonies and tighten customs controls. After all, in the eyes of the Crown, the Americans had benefited most from the French defeat and somebody had to pay the bill.

Many of the Colonists responded by harassing tax and custom officials and in growing cases blood was shed. In Boston, in 1770 British redcoats opened up on protesters over on King Street, killing five. Spoiling for a fight, the Sons of Liberty jumped on the propaganda bandwagon, dubbing the bumbling incident a massacre, calling it The Shot Heard Round the World. Actually, according to ear-witnesses, the shot was heard only about as far as Concord but that truth would have had far less impact as the conflict lingered.

In 1773 angry Colonists hosted the Boston Tea Party and in the spring of 1775 at Lexington the fighting had already erupted between Yankee farmers and British regulars.

The next year, on July Fourth, with hostilities in full swing, all of the Colonies except New York voted in favor of the now completed Declaration of Independence. New York adopted it on July 11, one week after a barbecue thrown by the Continental Congress. Historians still cannot agree as to whether the New Yorkers brought the slaw or a three-bean salad but despite an afternoon of candid, often controversial exchanges the the Tory-infested colony joined the rebellion.

We eavesdrop on that fateful July 4, at about 2:30 in the afternoon: A group of revolutionaries including Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Franklin, John Adams, Samuel Chase, John Hancock, William Whipple and Francis Lightfoot Lee are standing around a large pit where turkeys, venison and sausage were being cooked. The accents range from Yankee twang to southern drawl.

Whipple: …I don’t know Tom, I’m all for this all men are created equal business but I’m afraid we could be in for one ass kickin.

Jefferson: You worry too much, Bill, the  British are far too busy with the French to pay us any mind. Besides, we’re half a world away. After a few months King George’s redcoats will be in full flight, tails between their lobsterback legs.

Adams: That may be wishful thinking, Tom. King George seems obsessed. He calls us a mob of insolent, petty lawyers. His doctors have warned him about getting too excited about planning the war but he resuses to listen to them. I don’t expect him to back off. Our spies say he’s already negotiated for several regiments of Hessians to do his bidding.

Chase: Damn! Hessians would be nothing! Will those green horseflies give us no peace? I knew it was a mistake to rent this hall across from the city’s largest livery stable!

Lee: Miserable creatures much like the British tax assessors.

Hancock: How are those ribs coming, Sam? All this prime scuttlebutt has made me quite hungry.

Chase: I’m just about to add the sauce, John. It was concocted by one of my slaves. The sausages are just about ready. Hand me the spatula and I’ll turn them again.

Franklin: Has anyone seen George Washington? He said he’d make the trip down from New York today.

Lee:  He’s probably still busy watching the British fleet come up the Hudson. Have we established an official position on his expense account yet? It’s nice that he’s agreed to run this whole shooting match without a salary but somebody had better keep an eye on his taste for the good life. His sherry bill alone could put us all in the poor house before we put a bonafide army in the field.

Whipple: Speaking of money, we really don’t have the authority to spend a penny nor to levy taxes to fight a war against the most powerful nation on earth. We were lucky to raise money for this barbecue.

Franklin: All things in good time.  My dealings with the French have opened a host of new doors. It is our sacred duty to continue the struggle against tyranny with empty pocketbooks if necessary. The will of a free people is powerful.

Hancock: Just who are we including on this holy roster, Doctor Franklin? What about the Indians? What about the slaves? I don’t see any women among our group of eager signers.

Lee: Now wait a minute, John, up in Massachusetts, you’ve got a slew of hot headed ideas. You’ve also got a slew of indentured servants running around while, out of the other side of your mouth, you condemn slavery in the South. Slavery is just a matter of economics, boy. It’s nothing personal. Let’s kick the Brits out first, then we’ll deal with domestic matters.

Jefferson: It does sound a bit hypocritical now that you mention it, but the revolution will not survive without the support of the slave owners. Maybe we could change the wording in the first paragraph. How does some men created equal grab you?

Whipple: It’s too late. Our declaration is already at the printers. Besides, most of the fringe element cannot read anyway.

Franklin: Either way I think we have defined a set of timeless democratic principles…

Adams: That’s nice, Doctor, but let’s get back to the matter of “all men being created equal? Is that everybody or just white males who read and write and own land?

Franklin: It’s not just everyone who’s here now. It includes all the people who will come to these shores in the future.

Whipple: Immigrants? I never considered that a break with the Empire will open us up to hordes of the tired and poor. Do you want a bunch of ragamuffin foreigners roaming the streets of Philadelphia, Doctor Franklin?

Franklin: I don’t see that we have a choice. We have to include everyone.

Lee: Nonsense. We have to keep the lid on or we will become the minority in our own land.

Jefferson: It may appear to some that we have acted hastily and that reconciliation with the Crown is the logical outcome of our efforts…

Franklin: Reconciliation is no part of anyone’s plan. It’s submission or the sword. Our only alternative to independence is slavery.

Adams: Slavery for who?

Chase: Slavery for slaves, John. You Yankees just can’t seem to get a grip, can you.

Jefferson: Gentlemen, let’s not argue over issues yet to be addressed. We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Adams: And then what happens when we want to get to the other side?

Lee: Gentlemen, let’s not let politics get in the way of our stomachs. Looks like the table is prepared. Let’s eat.

Hancock: Not so fast, Francis. I think my esteemed colleague from Massachusetts is on to something. Surely the French will be laughing up their silk sleeves at our brashness. I think we had better decide the slavery issue now.

Chase: Your food’s getting cold, John. First we have to send King George packing, then we can talk this over. I’m sure we’ll come to the right conclusions. After all, we are honorable men. Try some of these ribs. They’re delicious, and the eagle’s not half bad either.

*The actual signing of the declaration didn’t take place until August 2  but here, for the convenience of all, the author ascends to the divine right of historical embellishment. In addition, it is virtually impossible to determine if everyone holds a barbecue on that date.

– Kevin Haley

    

Who Lives Out Here?

“Bear!” he yelled, and so there was in the

river bottom as close as honeycomb,

bruin hygiene as wild as a bear.

We could run or hide down a hole

or change direction in a stroll

A forced march down from the green veil

like Bonaparte and another Russian Bear.

Throwing his head around…a big boy too

lurking so close to St Germains.

He looked us up and down, lifting only his head

grunting and rolling his big bear eyes saying:

“You’re not worth a real bear, hind-legged stand-up look”

But we embraced bear drills just anyway

shattering the woodlands’ silence in fright,

crudely inflating our mass, no eyeballs aligned,

entrenched in our own floating footsteps

like go away bear balloons.

Reporting LIVE from Moscow

 

 

 

 

 

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Breathing Computer Sends Office Workers Scurrying

(Montrose) A thought-to-be peaceful desktop computer chased office workers from their desks Monday when it began breathing loudly. The abrasive inhales and exhales were noticed almost immediately by persons accustomed to a cooperative, supportive Power Macintosh at the central office of Catastrophe Realty on South Townsend Avenue.

According to a police report, corroborated by eye-witnesses prior to their retreat the monitor began its respiratory intrusions at about 10 am following a staff meeting regarding equipment updates and new technology. Within moments the zip drive, scanner and laser printer had closed ranks and joined in the melee driving frightened workers into the street.

“It was not normal breathing either,” said one broker at Catastrophe. “It was a diabolical, loathsome sound that most of us associate with hungover cooks at Denny’s. I’m a little hesitant to say this, but…I could swear I heard the thing say, Get out in between rancid breaths. We did.”

When police arrived they found desks turned over and pictures pulled from walls. The temperature in the office had dropped to 12 degrees F. despite Ninety degree readings outside. No computers appeared to be breathing but one allegedly threatened officers and was subsequently shot seventy-three times before crashing.     

“We don’t know what put such a scare in these people,” said one officer. It’s not like a little computer is gonna megabyte you or something…”

Principles at Catastrophe would not discuss the matter. Concerns about negative publicity at the beginning of the busy summer season were expressed and support personnel have been summoned. Rumors that Catastrophe had solicited the expertise of weekend exorcist, Philip Pharisee were still being denied at press time.

When contacted at his Temple For Me on Spring Creek Mesa, Pharisee, a failed sugar beet farmer, would not comment on any whispered exchange, however he did say the incident bore the signature of the Beast or possibly socialist hackers set on undermining the laws of private property and the eternal flow of meaningless paperwork that keeps our system in place.

– Small Mouth Bess

“Every time I go through customs and security at the airport I feel just a little safer.”

– Melvin O’Toole, May 31, 2018