All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category
Vladimir and Putin agree to power sharing
(St. Petersburg) In what some consider a shocking twist, both Vladimir and Putin have initiated a process aimed at allocation of sovereignty within the Russian state.
Mr. Vladimir
The schematic for transfer and cooperation between the two former rivals includes a step-by-step shift to a coalition government controlled by the two men. It is surmised that the former Soviet system will remain in place.
“Double agent tactics and diluted arms races be damned. We finally have a stable government west of the Urals,” said a party mouthpiece.
Mr. Putin
“Call it what you will but it is still a government reminiscent of the Cold War potato heads and infused with former KGB agents,” said one political opponent currently recovering from an alleged poisoning attempt last October.
In a related statement the Kremlin vehemently denied rumors that the two leaders would appear as World Wrestling Federation combatants joining an assortment of Trump family standouts in that capacity.
-Conor Sturgeon
Lauren come lately
Most of Trump’s sycophants have been planning their slithering escape for months but our pistol-headed Congresswoman has just now jumped onto the deck of a sinking ship with no captain, no rudder, no helm.
Just orange hair and puffiness.
Has she no sense at all? Even thieves know when to stop stealing.
Even crooked politicians know when to pull the plug or at least play dead for a while.
Vile, floating flack ego, deflated,
Arise the paper Benito doll
skewered like the defenders of Jerusalem
when the Crusaders took the day.
“It’s only a coup d’etat if it comes from the Coup D’etat region of France. Anything else is just Sparkling Treason.”
– comment on editorial pages in Washington Post
Lynx and Moose Welcome Gray Wolf to Colorado
(Denver) Lynx and moose, species recently reestablished in these mountains several years back, were on hand today to welcome the gray wolf back to the state.
“Our story has been a rousing success thanks to the co-existence of humans and wild creatures,” smiled Marcia Lynx. “There are now more of us in Colorado than there are marijuana dispensaries.”
“We moose can be cranky and a handful but all in all we feel the program that brought us down here is solid and natural in every detail,” said Al, a 1200-pound spokesman for local moose herds. “I wish the federal gov’ment would pay attention when they establish immigration policy for the country.”
Marcia Lynx above Lake City in early November
We asked Al if he was concerned about quality of life here since wolf packs are often the natural enemy of moose, often eating the weaker animals.
“Bring them on,” sneered Al. “We’ll kick some wolf ass.”
No one dared suggest that gray wolves have lived in remote parts of Western Colorado since even before John Denver or that Big Bad Wolf Syndrome was lurking in the dark timber and behind the willows.
“They’ve been here since my great grandparents homesteaded this place and now, even though we didn’t vote for it, we’ll be getting more of them,” said one Rangeley rancher who said that the animals are intelligent, keep to their packs and that livestock issues have been minimal.
Al the Moose, near Silverton in July
Other Western Slope residents were not so tolerant.
“If the liberals want more wolves they should try them out in Littleton or Boulder and see how that goes first,” said Mirabelle Pritchard of Ecstasy Orchards in Paonia. I intend to write my newly elected Congresswoman suggesting a bill that reintroduces wooly mammoths to Cherry Hills.”
Pritchard conceded that predators rarely attack apple and cherry trees saying she feels for her neighbors who run sheep or cattle.
Others took a wait and see approach
“Some of the folks were just thrilled at having wolves in the state again but they’ve been here the entire time,” said Al the Moose. “The idea had been to keep the wolf presence quiet or not rock the conestoga. Life can be disappointing enough as it is. Who are we to disillusion them.”
-Fred Zeppelin
“There are cracks in everything; that’s how the light gets in.” – Leonard Cohen
Many Public Radio DJs Live Normal Lives
Apology: Most public radio DJs do not live in the station studios as was recently reported on sanjuanhorseshoe.com, a low-budget website claiming 4.5 million readers. Whether the DJs rent or own their homes, they in fact almost always have a private place to sleep, cook, bathe and exist when they are not on the air.
Rarely do these stewards of the airwaves hot bunk, snore or eat crumbcake in bed, say their listeners. We apologize for the pain and the lingering hurt our story must have inflicted with such an insensitive portrayal and volley of dismissive accusations.
However, all accidental innuendo and outright indictment stereotyping these digital spinners as sex symbols/ rock and roll idols will continue until the proper channels respond to “pebbles against the window” and these allegations are proven false once and for all.
-Pepper Salte
Trout in the Stocking Could Mean Big Changes on the Way
Unspoken Slam Inherent to Holiday Breakups
with Dr. Carl (Pinky) Salmon-Floyd MSW, RTD, YAP, LSMFT
A freshly caught or fish market trout in one’s Christmas stocking could be cause for alarm, especially in strained romantic relationships, syndicate misunderstandings and contested arm wrestling tournaments.
We certainly don’t want to read too much into this. It could be a matter of last minute shopping confusion or a mix-up over in gift-wrapping. More likely the gesture should be seen as nothing less than the direct approach to ending a frivolous or imprudent relationship or a fire-crack love affair close to fizzling out.
The squirmy texture of the lifeless gift, coupled with the unmistakable odor, never bodes well, especially compared with more traditional, fluffy presents such as comfy pajamas, exotic perfumes and cashmere sweaters.
While this kind of cold-blooded, yet eccentric offering is often catalogued under fishing, other gear, tackling box accessories, even booby-trapped hooks would be more appropriate than a whole fish. That is unless the giver is trying to send a passive aggressive message for the whole family to enjoy or the vague threat of a repeat performance for Valentine’s Day if anyone, no matter how dense, misses the point.
The action may lack subtlety but it does get the attention of everyone within six feet of the loaded stocking. Many cling to the absurd notion that a trout is still better than receiving coal, sand or Chinese anklets. This is only true if you are feline. When was the last time you tried start a fire with a dead trout?
Fruitcake Again Unjustly Demonized
(Claxton, GA) That jellied fruit and nut concoction that elbows its way into grocery store aisles and onto holiday tables each year has experienced an upsurge in violent displays of late. The innocent enough cake has been targeted an astonishing 388 times in Dixie alone so far in the month of December.
Police are attempting to determine if the more radical attacks should be classified as hate crimes, as compared to just plain old crimes.
Father Fruitcake, an avowed, itinerant golf cart technician from nearby Statesboro, warned that there would be repercussions in light of the sensitivities of the season. Much of this year’s cherished Mormon Fruitcake, considered the crème de la crème in some circles, was lost during a snowstorm at La Sal Junction earlier this month. Despite this knee-walking catastrophe, the stuff is still everywhere, clogging up heating systems, overwhelming road crews and threatening to grind commerce to a halt.
“Getting back to all this hate crime designation: What exactly is the opposite of a hate crime?” asked Fruitcake. “Has the fruitcake lobby considered all its options?”
Read the sanjuanhorseshoe.com – 2800 stories. No ink. No waiting.
