All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category

US Seeks to Control Flow of Naughty Underwear

(Paris) France and a host of other European nations have accused the U.S. of cornering the market on naughty lingerie. The action, acknowledged in part by leading diplomats, began almost a year ago with the federal monitoring of underwear sales in North America.

     U.S. interests allegedly seek to control the billion-dollar industry world wide according to fashion leaders here. They say that the Americans have stepped up production in an attempt to dominate global trade in the naughty commodity.

     “Certainly we’d like to see more of  the underwear made in the United States before embarking on some conspiratorial effort to regulate its exchange,” said Teddy LaRouiex, of the State Department. “Right now most of the garments are made in Third World countries.”

     French leaders have protested the move saying that governments have no place tampering with slinky underwear. In an official statement released here the French have stopped short of condemning a long time trading partner asking only that the U.S. refrain from such action. “We are scandalized by the efforts to control distribution, design and prices of naughty lingerie, a product that should enjoy free access under the principles of supply and demand. We hope that the shear weight of protests will alleviate what has become a delicate situation.”

     France then added that there are far more pressing issues on which to focus.

     In private French leaders are said to have expressed horror that the status of naughty underwear might be by orchestrated solely by a country “misdirected by hefty servings of Puritanism and guilt”. He told close advisors that the stream of underwear is sacred and should never be manipulated by a private entity.

     Reactions all over the continent were the same. In Holland leaders called on the U.S. to stay out of people’s bloomers and in Italy protestors threatened to attack the American Embassy if the price of g-strings continues to soar. Portugal called for a boycott on all goods manufactured in the U.S. while in Ireland manufacturing plants have begun turning out intimate software aimed at combating what Dublin calls “a bungling and  insensitive overreach in the vein of dictatorial”.

     Even the Russians are angry. Today Prime Minister, Vladimir Putin, called on Russians to reject all foreign-made frillies and buy all interior items, including wool socks and long handles from reputable state outlets within the country. EU economists expect this plea to have reverberating effects going into the Russian lingerie season (July) when its actually warm enough to walk around in the scanty attire.

     Not to be outdone Hugo Chavez, former President of Venezuela often called the developments “crimes against the skin”. He called on the workers of the world to cease production of U.S. lingerie.

     “Let them see what its like to go without,” said Chavez as part of a six-hour speech carried by Tele Sur. “Their GIs started this whole power grab in Europe after World War II with the documented silk stockings and Hershey bar enticements. Now all these shenanigans have come home to roost.”

     Meanwhile the hoi polloi of the fashion industry have remained mute waiting to see more.

– Kashmir Horseshoe

GOP slaps gag order on Trump

The Republican Party today announced a strict gag order aimed at tempering both Donald Trump and JD Vance. It is the first attempt to control recent mouth damage emanating from the two candidates.

Targeting sinking poll numbers among women, minorities and independents the GOP appears intent on silencing what it calls destructive, sloppy, racist, vulgar and vain attempts by the former president to shoehorn himself into the limelight.

The briar attack dog JD Vance, whose wistful, pseudo-religious attempts to take the nation back 100 years, have set off alarms from Idaho to Alabama, was reportedly warned that he “could be replaced’, according to a Senator who demanded animosity.

These two have overstepped themselves within a political party often quite happy to ignore such ugly rhetoric if it means assuring an American Taliban administration in Washington.

Both gag orders come with fiscal penalties for non-compliance. Trump and Vance have been shown red cards and may not be able to campaign again until October. One more infraction could put them in the penalty box for 10 to 20.

Fears that childless cat ladies are arming themselves and that voters are tediously tired of listening to bullies, the Republicans “hope to mellow the message” according to the same Senator. Several cheered the move, pointing to a overdue purges and a serious house cleaning in 2025.

Maybe we could return to the days when we actually stood for something,” said the source.

In a related piece Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump would be seated in coach on the first manned Martian voyage slated for 2026. Both expressed disappointment in the arrangement and at the exclusion from a more privileged perch. They expressed concerns about window seating,  persons of color on the spaceship and missing a connecting flight due to the proletarian seating.

-Muriel Armbruster

“I probably had it coming”

With Uncle Pahgre

Sitting in the fading light of Rio Sucio, Colombia (an ultra-charming spot, despite the name) looking at pines anchored by palm trees and thinking about Colorado. With me is a 37-year-old parrot named Edgar, who finally stopped yelling “Martha!” when I agreed to join him on the veranda. Then he simply muttered Martha over and over again in a detached grovel and  diluted decibel. Colombians need parrots around just in case things should get dangerously silent for a mill-second, a totally unacceptable and awkward state of affairs. Unbridled quiet could lead to whispers or even the loss of face in this warm, albeit high pitch culture. Parrots insure that the noise levels will remain intact even during siesta.

Nutabe Hypoglyphics, believed to have been brought to the US by a Colombian anthropologist in 2016 foretell the arrival of a pagan saint named Flimflamm, a narcissistic demagogue originating from what appears to be a Queens or Beans or maybe Liens. The remainder of the writing is smeared and looks to have been altered. On the bottom there is a clear line of ascendency from privileged birth to stolen erections.

Talks of the Great Ohio Pox and whether or not it is sinful for the leader of the free world to copulate with a porn star while his wife was (presumably at home) pregnant. Isn’t this exactly what these pseudo-religious  ruffians say exemplifies all that is wrong with the nation? Weird?

Meanwhile we buttonholed JD Vance*:

Horseshoe: So do you think it’s OK to have sex with a porn star while one’s wife is home pregnant?

Vance: It depends if it happens in Kentucky or Ohio.

*Vance, of no relation to Cyrus Vance, is firmly against inoculations with the exception of his own serum.

Just in: Be advised that tattoos of all kinds, no matter how small and meaningless, remain banned in heaven, its territories and possessions. This includes any pen-work, crayon, water-color, facsimile, impression, or etching, even religious ones. People with tattoos on their soul will be detained for questioning by the Being Police and subject to cloud-sharing and weekends in Purgatory. The anti- tattoo action was drummed into a permanence despite the absence of a quorum which might have included saints and sinners. Theologic historians are of the opinion that since tattoos are not mentioned, even once, in Christian-Judaeo Bibles they have no eternal function. “We don’t know much,” twirled one leading academia, “but we’re pretty sure none of the Apostles exhibited even a faded trace of “Mom”. There were unlikely any arm and chest murals in ink, or traditional biker nostalgia. If you don’t buy that just look at the painting of the Last Supper,” said one source at a pagan university a few miles away.

Dems y GOP flock to persuade the only undecided voter in the country that they deserve this final vote. The last remaining voting booth holdout, Phil A. Busterfeld, cannot make up his mind. “We never had this material in high school civics,” he cried. “Red ties or designer pants suits? Like who are their favorite football teams and what do they eat for lunch?

Information Roundup: Horses evolved in the Americas around four million years ago, but by about 10,000 years ago, they had mostly disappeared from the fossil record, per accepted conversation. Spanish settlers likely first brought horses back to the Americas in 1519, when Hernán Cortés arrived on the continent in Mexico.

Now friendlies? NFL shady attempts to sell the pre-season games as friendlies taking a cue from the futbal/soccer world. There is nothing friendly about assassins dressed up in helmets and brightly colored uniforms colliding while the gouged and drooling coliseum mob goes ballistic.

THAT’S A LOT OF BLACK ON ASPHALT Colorado’s morbid license plates should be on a funeral cavalcade at the rear end of a hearse on the way to the grave. What happened to the green? Did it stroll the way of the Rockies’ clown uniform? Is the black aimed at promoting the dead-in-the-water coal industry? Did the meat men buy the rights to the mountains silhouetted against the green? These black license plates are Raideresque at best and I don’t like it one iota!

Translating Trumpese

Attacks on others saying they are doing exactly what The Donald and his minions are engaged in, but turned up a notch. For example: Trump says election was stolen: definition pro-Trump county officials were caught tampering with voting machines.

Crime is rampant: defined-crime was worse on my watch because I wasn’t paying attention to anything that didn’t benefit ME.

Putin likes me: Putin thinks I am a roll-over doll.

We support Israel: It’s easier to funnel campaign contributions into my businesses if we love the Israelis no matter what they do to the Palestinians.

Make American Great Again: The wealth of this country must remain in the hands of the wealthy so the poor do not spend all that cash just surviving.

Liberal propaganda: Anything that does not benefit Trump and his leagues of loyal toadies.

We will build a border wall: to keep out vile criminals like ourselves who look different. Definition: We will do nothing but talk, bilk our supporters and stoke the fear.

-compiled by Tommy Middlefinger

France Contests Louisiana Purchase

Taking advantage of US distractions on the East Sea, the Rio Grande and the Electoral College, centuries-long ally France has filed a bevy of protests charging that the 1803 transfer of Louisiana to the fledgling United States was “felonious, illegitimate and reprehensible”. In addition, that nation pointed to the “cash-strapped cuckhold, Napoleon Bonaparte,” saying he “had no right to peddle our disputed territory west of the Mississippi for a paltry $15 million.”

That, they insist “is only half of The Swindle of New France”.

Wikipedia Map of the Louisiana Purchase or Vente de la Louisiane in 1803. The acquisition doubled the size of the existing United States. Although the land belonged to the indigenous people who had lived there for ions the white folks allegedly made the deal over a few Absinthes and a bucket of boudin.

Apparently the surprise Gallic disagreement rests with the purchase itself, which France says was the result of a spurious and illicit lease agreement, and that any grace period or honeymoon clause had long passed.

“It is right and just to return these prairies and bayous to the European country that first discovered” them,” petitioned the previous landlords at the Hague in 2022. Then back in July the Fifth Republic-on-Seine was calling for a balloon payment of 23 billion francs, citing legitimate interest and the lack of meaningful improvements. In the shadow of international law France had already won the first battle. In a change of course she now insists that the land is forfeit and that the tricolore should once again fly over the 828 square mile region “once again”.

In what may be proof of provocation, a dog-eared  dispatch was discovered under a wandering bunion tree tightly wrapped around three Arturo Fuentes, of unidentified origin. According to Ivory League ombudsmen on the scene the discovery was in actuality a meticulous, bloodthirsty battle plan aimed at seizing the land “by fire and sword” and driving the Americans back across the river.  Le Reconquerant, followed by The French Inquisition? Imagine the TV series. A segment of the worn clandestine document is as follows:

pain de Campagna  jambon  gruyere  oille  macaron  crevettes grises.

girolles  dijon  patates  bebe canard  vin  poivron  lait.

Another school of radical culinary thought postulates that the supposed battle plan is simply the former French president Jacques Chirac’s grocery list from way back at the turn of the century. As Francophiles know he shopped at the Versailles Piggly Wiggly on Saturdays between 10 and noon and always carried an assortment of coupons. He loved calculating costs down to the menut with an Algerian abacus, a gift from his Berber godmother.

Other political twits continue to insist it is a code calling for the invasion of New Orleans on Fat Tuesday in 2025.

“You  snagged the place for the price of a used car and now you wanna bitch?” Sneered Hobble Rigaud, a junkyard millionaire from Houma. “Nothin is dat cheap. You knew the day would come when somebody come along with all different paperwork.”

Meanwhile up in Quebec… The once- lucrative fur trade remains intact despite wild fires to the west and the loss of the Nordiques to Colorado following the French and Indian War. (Read: Black-clad Priests of the Madness are still paddling empty dugouts down shallow, Caucasian rivers of pioneer sprit, unmolested by the former custodians of the forests, the concierge of Red men.)

“They have amassed a military force capable of routing these “American ragamuffins, as they call them,” said Milton Boudreaux formerly of Plaquemines Parish. “Personally I ain’t worried ‘bout nuthin’, and I’ve always wanted to visit Paris and eat beignets and the occasional pigeon”.

Sabers continue to rattle. Dark words are exchanged. Mexico, Spain and a diverse band of Native American tribes are expected to declare war on the United States next Thursday after church. All hope to regain empires lost to sacred and sublime Manifold Destiny.

“Yes, a loose confederacy of Plains tribes, including Sioux, Arapaho and Comanche has painted up and returned to the war path,” added Rigaud.  “Plus the boys and girls over at the Empire of Mexico have extended catering alliances for the projected three-day event.

“I can’t wait to taste the chili relleno etouffe and refried gumbo,” he smiled. 

– Louis-Joseph de Montcalm

Writer’s Guidelines Told

Of the over 10,000 queries received by mail, by fax or slipped under the barn door only 3 actually turned into anything memorable and of that 3 only 2 actually made it onto the website. The one about the magnetic healing power of Benghazi sea salt was forwarded to our sister publication in Nova Scotia, where it washed out into the North Atlantic and is now somewhere off the coast of Iceland. As a result of this sad scenario our editorial staff has surmised that the best way to deal with all the paperwork is to refuse all future submissions and just do everything ourselves. However, considering the long arm of sour public relations, (We might end up stabbed in the back like The Rocky Mountain News) and the ramifications of running this periodical like those Reds run North Korea we have decided to buck up and stay the corpse.

It is with these trials in mind that sanjuanhorseshoe.com is releasing the first app in a series of corporate writer’s guidelines to be used in conjunction with literary submissions or, in a pinch, in the cat box. Here goes…

1. sanjuanhorseshoe.com is a tightly focused website. All material loosely relates to life on this planet and should be double-spaced. Gifts can and should be included with completed manuscripts. Suggestions include Cuban cigars, exotic cordials or socially expanding orchestrations. All gifts should be wrapped in pretty colored, often festive paper. Nylons and Hershey bars will be returned to sender since they represent a long-shed sexism and ignore most male members of the staff. We no longer offer free crayons. Please stop calling whomever you may be.

2. Assignments are made at least two decades in advance of publication. Don’t send us a summer story in 2024 and expect someone to read it by 2027.

3. Pay rates vary and will usually result in the sender paying postage. Financial arrangements will windup in our favor since you’re the one who sent the story in the first place. No soliciting.

4. If you think you’re Ernest Hemingway go to Spain. Hey, we hear Italy is hiring ambulance drivers.

5. Please forward all articles to the appropriate department so that all of the editorial staff is not plagued by your art. For example: If you have a gardening article don’t send it to sports and visa versa. For a better grasp of the departmental structure of this site try reading a few stories and applying basic common sense. Do not finish your final rewrite while still in your bathrobe. At least do us the common courtesy of getting dressed, and brush your teeth.

6. All articles should be aimed at the 4 -7 1/2- year-old market and should not include words discovered last night in your thesaurus. Our editors are highly trained professionals who can identify a charlatan in the verbatim wood pile faster than a fat man lines up for the free lunch after a pancake breakfast.

7. No faxes before noon, in fact no faxes at all until November since we are currently out of fax paper. No texts. No emails. No phone calls. No telegrams. No postcards. No Spacebook. No smoke signals. No notes in the mailbox.

8. Upon impact perusal of any category the prospective contributor will find an overwhelming segment of talent running through this splendid site. Don’t expect to enter this inner sanctum of the ill-behaved intelligentsia on the heels of some semi-illiterate piece like tips on buying croutons in bulk or the singles scene in Yuma.

9. All potential contributors will undergo a blood test and will be checked for lice before a final decision can be made regarding their work. Clean credit cards and nice touring cars gain special priority in acceptance.

10. All completed manuscripts could be used for bird cage liners, puppy catches, fish wrapping, cat box liners, oil filter receptacles and paper airplanes at a moment of rage and intolerance. We refuse to return submissions and, considering the above stated options how could we, and why would you want us to do so?

11. If you are still set on writing for this publication why not just buy it and run things your way.

     We hope these guidelines will help and welcome your input.     – Your _____ Team       

Homeless Trout Annoying This Summer

Gangs of the fish had begun congregating on the Gunnison River near Dos Rios Golf Club looking for a handout, and often looking for trouble as well.

The expected closure of the Roaring Judy Trout Hatchery could put as many as 40,000 unemployed trout on the street by creating a nightmare for police and social workers not to mention innkeepers and restaurateurs who are already overbooked for the season.

Insiders at the state level say the decision to shut down the longtime hatchery could be due to any number of things.

“Lots of time bureaucrats just spin the globe and point to an area that they want to fool with,” said Sal Mann of  Kebler Trout and Kokanee Services.

“It could be that some bored pencil pusher had a bad time on the Slate River last month or even something as silly as a jilted romance with a woman named Judy. It’s  astounding what goes on at the higher levels.”

-Small Mouth Bess

“21st Century religion is lacking in substance, spirituality, and dominated by control, fear and fairy tales. I long for the days when the Celtic warrior returned to his grand hall to praise his gods, the blood of his enemies still dripping from his heavy sword.”      – Finn McCool