All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category

Elf Season Expected to have major impact

(Gunnison) The 2025 Elf Season is expected to bring over 5000 hunters into the Gunnison basin over the first two-weeks of March. Despite conflicts over licenses and access to traditional hunting areas, the hunt is expected to have a major economic impact. Revenues collected could leap into the millions allowing residents extra cash with which to live it up or perhaps an escape to warmer climates this spring.

     Both the Colorado Treasury and the IRS remind merchants that they are not required to report earnings related to elves since there is no proof that they actually exist. Both taxing agencies went on to wish everyone Good Hunting!

Christmas Planned Again for 2025

(New York) With the final approval of federal and state funding it appears that consumers will again undergo the holiday season next year. As recently as one week ago, with the private sector dragging knuckles on promises to match the assets accrued from a system of floating bonds, things looked bleak.

     Supporters of Christmas have been accused of using ancient guilt techniques and playing into fears of impending social disorder in the attempt to raise consciousness and, in turn, money toward the goal. They say that since the holiday has been around so long, it would only follow that it should be preserved both from a religious and a secular approach.

     “Without the continued assistance of our state and federal bureaucracies, Christmas would be relegated to the status of say, Thanksgiving or the Fourth of July, at least from an economic viewpoint,” said Melvin Toole, founder and treasurer of Christmas ‘11. “Now we realize that these kinds of holidays are just as important in an esoteric sense but that economically speaking Christmas consistently kicks butt.”

     Toole explained that year after year more money is circulated during the holiday season than on all the other holidays combined.

     “I don’t care how many bags of charcoal or Butterball turkeys go through the checkout stand at the grocery. That figure,” he smiled, “does not even come close to the money spent on worthless junk during the Yuletide. In addition, people will go without fireworks or cranberry sauce but then Christmas rolls around and the same people adopt an oh what the hell attitude and spend money they may not have.”

     Toole thanked the credit card companies, the elevator Christmas carol pushers, the lumber industry, the makers of an assortment of pine sprays, the weather, the replacement Christmas light bulb concerns, Charles Schultz, the wrapping paper giants, the clever card writers union, Bing Crosby and Belle, his wife of 133 years, for his recent ascension to greatness in the field of Christmas marketing concepts.

     Although the exact amount of money needed to pull off Christmas next year has not been disclosed, conjecture has it that it is a whole lot more than was needed for Christmas 2024.

     “It’s just more expensive to pull off than back in the Fifties,” harped Toole. “Why, insurance on Santa’s sleigh, reindeer rights, elf unions and the type of presents coveted by little kids puts the fiscal motion of the celebration into outer space. Do people really think that just because Christmas is sacred that it can side-step reality? It’s a business, son. Nothing more and nothing less, at least from our perspective,” he frowned.

     Toole added that Christmas ’25 would kick off on or about Thanksgiving Weekend and run through December, culminating on December 25, with the following week dedicated to getting over the entire experience in time for a New Year’s celebration.

     “We hope to hold New Year’s on January 1 again so as to be in compliance with all the calendars printed in August,” he said.

– Al K. Hall

Do People drink more during Daylight Savings Time?

Does Daylight Savings encourage more imbibing? “Over the years my aunt Ebaneezer became an alcoholic just so some iron worker didn’t have to go to work in the cold and dark. Is it easier to slam a few shots in the dark at 6 pm than to embrace breakfast cylinders or a whiskey omelet at sunrise. We’re sure to find out herein.

Spring forward…Fall down?

People concerned should simply adjust their drinking schedules by an hour. For example: If you crack open a beer at 6 am in July you should do the same at 5 am in January** or until the nation gets off Roosevelt’s Time and returns to Mother Nature.

Remember summer? People out on the porch drinking away the solstice  Just One More while marveling at the long days “I can’t believe it’s still light at 9:10.* Pass me that whiskey jar.”

On a related subject, yes, Slamming a beer in 4 degree temperature is not the same as slamming one at 90. It’s the same when one knocks down a brew. The afternoon beats the morning, unless perhaps the hops enthusiast started at daybreak (an hour later than normal anyway).

If you have completed the Colorado Drinkers’ Questionnaire or the 9-week approved class on bartending ignore the last paragraph.

Still confused? Try this handy formula

X/Y = ^ {678* x 876 </% – current consumption w/xyz and see what you get. Be sure to stock up on ice even in the winter months in case the crick don’t freeze.

Liquor store receipts are still up year round but may soon be affected if the monopoly beasts Kroger and Wal-mart are allowed to sell spirits They already sell beer and wine, gasoline and sushi, Starbucks and legal drugs much the the detriment of locally owned liquor stores and other tax-paying businesses. Just one more bitter brandy and the cold shoulder by gov’ment agencies created to protect the citizenry from from these kinds of corporate excesses. Oh yeah. You betcha.

*This shouldn’t come as a surprise. It was light at 9:10 on this same date last year unless Daylight Savings Time is cast to the wolves and politicians.

**Dark earlier extends cocktail hour unless there is no extension or termination

References:

Breakfast Cereals That Contain Alcohol by Pepper Salte, Testosterone Brothers, Boston.

Closet Sippers and Patio Crooners, Karaoke in the New World Sexuality, from Catharsis and Calamity on the Frontier by Uncle Pahgre, Eat Pets Publishing, Springfield, Ohio

“That man from New Iberia pass by, you know, the skinny ya ya, and ate 13 bowls of my mama’s shrimp gumbo then had the noive to ax fo’ mo’, fo’ ‘dem ‘cross the bayou. We won’t have no mo a dat.”

– Marceaux “Buddy” Fontenot,

Woods Nymphs Need Winter Clothing

(Gunnison) Some four hundred woods nymphs that call the Gunnison Valley home are in dire straits due to the lack of warm clothing it was disclosed today. With the arrival of winter, the often scantily dressed, decadent nymphs remain at risk due to nighttime temperatures dipping down to well below zero. Flimsy, worn out wardrobes, lack of firewood and dwindling food supplies further complicate this grave matter.

Some forest nymphs are without shoes.

The nymphs, usually associated with sensuous mid-summer evenings and erotic flings with such notables as Pan and Bacchus, are out of their element when the cold winds blow. Experts are in dismay as to why they don’t simply fly south and avoid the weather.

“Not only are these nymphs procrastinators but they are damn stubborn too,” said Dr. Efram Pennywhistle, Director of Faeries and Wild Things at Western State Colorado University here. “They are all a bunch of slackers. They love to watch us from the cover of the forest and are obsessed with the doings of humans. They mimmic us to the tee yet run away when approached.”

The nymphs, descendants of fallen angels and rising  pucas, have been the object of male curiosity since the 1800s. Rarely observed, except on perfect summer evenings, the nymphs have seen their numbers depleted over the past 50 years due to pollution and human expansion.

The summers in Gunnison, often interfaced with paradise, offer a heavenly trance and plenty of sunshine. Wood nymphs do not do well in exceedingly hot climates or the dry, windy elements of the Colorado Plateau or the Confront Range.

“If you are lucky enough to see one of these faeries avoid obvious flirtation and do not attempt to catch one since they will not survive in captivity,” said Pennywhistle.

Anyone interested in donating cold weather gear and clothing should bring it to the WSCU campus clearly marked For The Wood Nymphs so that it doesn’t fall into the hands of anti-fashion conscious students or other less needy segments of society. Keep in mind that loose fitting garments work best since they more effectively account for wing span, wiggles and layering.

– Sergio Jingles

Diplomat Forced to Cook Turkey

(Hodeida UPS) Recently kidnapped and then released U.S. diplomat, Haynes Mahoney, was abducted solely to cook a traditional Thanksgiving dinner for Yemeni tribesman according to a State Department release. Although certain items were scarce in the remote desert region Mahoney, drawing heavily on culinary training absorbed in Georgetown, managed to provide his hungry captors with turkey, stuffing, cranberry sauce and a delightful marshmallow-yam concoction.

     After dinner they drove him back to his hotel, set him free and hurried back to an undisclosed oasis to enjoy several pumpkin pies baked by Mahoney in a dutch oven that morning.

     “What we’re dealing with here is a band of Islamic fundamentalists who would never consider going out for dinner on such a day,” said government spokesman, Perewinkle R. Parvenu. “We’re just relieved that they didn’t get indigestion and that our associate is safe.”

     It was not clear at press time whether the United States would reciprocate by bombing Yemen or inviting the tribesmen over for dinner after the holidays

  -Merv Ditchwater

The Brave, New World of Hay Bales

Several weeks ago I went on-line and purchased 4 bales of designer hay as a birthday present for Bessie, my favorite Paso Fino mare. It was Amazon or EBay or some such robot retail entity.  Since then I have been the recipient of a dozen or more emails but no hay yet.

The barrage of emails first congratulated/informed me that the order was “received”. Then they confirmed all of that again in another email. The number I had been assigned was #77776298474637.

I refused to memorize it and went on with my daily chores.

The next day I received a notice that the package was “ready to send” then the next day that it was being “processed”.

In no time another email arrived in my inbox saying the item will be sent on a given day with promises of puny credits if it is not at its destination by a certain date.

Big News Today! They are sending my goods to me and Bessie. Maybe they still have a chance to be here in time for the birthday party (She’s 20).

But not to be. The next email outlines options for tracking the package.

And more emails came stumbling. One apologized and told me the delivery would be a few days later than the original date. Another asked me to confirm my zip code. A third told me my hay was now in the hands of UPS or Fed Ex and that they would handle the transfer.

Another email warned me that the items ordered could be delivered in separate containers.

When I had all but given up on the order I got an email saying that my tracking number had changed and that the item in question could not be delivered to a post office box.

Finally yesterday (her birthday and all) I was informed that the item I had ordered was sold out. I should have bought local. Now I’m headed to town for candles, paper hats and some organic oats laced with molasses, a favorite of Bessie since she was a colt.

From “The herd life ain’t no good life – but it’s my life”

– by Gabby Haze