All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category
Kinickin Man Creates Gettysburg Replica in Spuds
(Montrose) Melvin Toole had little to do after retiring from Colona Brothers Slaughterhouse in 1991. However, after visiting several Civil War battlegrounds the following summer, he stumbled onto an appropriate project that would keep him busy for many winters to come.
He would recreate the Battle of Gettysburg entirely out of mashed potatoes.
The replica would be in full color and to scale, with moving parts, authentic weaponry, uniforms and structures.
“The first thing I had to do was figure out where to buy the materials, you know, lots of potatoes, butter and milk,” said Toole. “Then I spent months covering the Western Slope in search of a giant mixing device.”
After a rather expensive search (Toole drinks) he found a large concrete blender at an abandoned amalgamation resource just outside of Maybell, in Northwest Colorado. The giant device, once used to churn out time-release blacktop for the Division of Transportation, would be perfect. He hauled the thing home with his diesel-powered 1945 Henway, pulled by over 400 llamas.
After talking to local agricultural co-ops Toole secured the rights to latter day potato crops, mutant wall flower cream supplies and truckloads of unused butter and margarine samples from local restaurants. He was ready to go.
“In order to maintain an air of authenticity I had predetermined that I would use grits in the Confederate mixture,” said Toole, “but then I found out that the Rebel troops under General Robert E. Lee had run out of that staple while crossing the Piedmont Plateau.” (Historical note: Here Toole is full of horse cookies. Actually most of the grit-weary troops were anxious to get up into Pennsylvania for a nice, homestyle breakfast where the corn byproduct was not served).
“Having secured the raw materials I now faced a potential engineering nightmare: How would I create the topography common to hilly South Central Pennsylvania when all I had was mountain spuds from Idaho and Colorado? Oddly enough the answer came easy. I simply added a little less butter to the recipe and flattened out about 35 tons of the mixture onto a piece of waferboard. Then, allowing it to be exposed to the elements overnight, I discarded the board and sat back in awe of my landscape.”
Building the weapons of the day from often whipped potatoes took some time but Toole went about the task with a painstaking eye for detail. At first the muzzles of the canon drooped so he shortened them a bit. Then the wheels on the artillery would not turn properly so he added skimmed milk and a bit of ground basil. The canon balls were the easiest part.
“I just rolled them in gravy and they flew through the air like the real thing,” Toole beamed. “Troops on both sides would have been surprised as one of my spud missiles could easily devastate an ammunition dump or scattered contingents of cavalry.”
In order to keep mashed potatoes earmarked for infantry separate from spuds reserved for, say, hospital corpsman or ordinance battalions, Toole used sophisticated methods of identification.
“Sometimes I added paprika or oregano to certain forces while I relied on my nose to pick out the defenders laced with garlic cloves or white pepper. In keeping with regional cuisine, I always used cayenne on the Southern troops and rosemary on the Union assemblage,” he explained.
“Probably the hardest work came when I started to paint each individual combatant, you know, the blue and the gray,” he mused. “I recall one frightening moment as I reached the final stages of painting soldiers engaged in the famous George E. Pickett’s Charge and I had run out of real milk and had to rely on the powdered variety. At the time I worried that someone would dispute the accuracy of my effort but no one seems to have noticed.”
Toole’s massive creation will be on display at the Montrose Regional Airport through the 2020.
Ready for winter?
Ready for winter?
BLUE MESA DRAINED FOR ELK SEASON
(Sapinero) Anglers and fish are reminded that the state of Colorado will once again drain Blue Mesa Reservoir for elk hunting season. According to a top secret Division of Wildlife transmission, intercepted by gorillas hiding in the green, misty mountains, the monkey business will begin October 2 and continue until all the water has been removed.
Another gov’ment brochure entitled When Fish Go to the Beach highlights plans to return the water in April or May.
“During the winter we plan to lease the water to California for a tidy profit,” said R. Melvin Toolini, architect and primate investor of the baboonish operation.
Sailors, water skiers and anyone with a line in the water is cautioned not to overstay their welcome at the popular lake. Fish, who generally handle the draining without incident are asked to have their belongings packed for the traditional trek up to Lake San Cristobal for hibernation.
NSA Caught Spying on Itself
(Washington) The National Security Agency has been caught with its pants down again. According to recently released data the spooks have staked themselves out right in front of the looking glass. The accusations received at 5 leading U.S. newspapers this morning allege that the spies have come full circle and lapped themselves and, in doing so have spent millions of tax payer dollars in the process.
Initial information leaked by Edward Snowden, the whistleblower now living in Russia, was enough to tip off senators already investigating the questionable activities of the bloated espionage crew. Soon surveillance verified that the arrogant beagles had been poking around, collecting intelligence, some odious, some petty, some meaningless, but all stored away for future application.
“These bozos are so wrapped up in the international cloak and dagger racket that they have been spying on themselves,” said the accompanying correspondence from Snowden. “After watching them I am proud that I released the damning data, although it’s starting to get cold here in Moscow.”
“We were working on an official apology letter to the government of Brazil, a nation spied on by the NSA, when we discovered that the scandal was much more extensive than we thought,” said Senator Oral Noise (Unitarian-CA). “We knew these sleuths were sniffing around but we didn’t really they had their noses up the posterior of allies and friends across the globe.”
Noise called the behavior of the NSA insidious and incompetent. He said that the NSA, which reports to the Homeland Security Agency had no real curbs or controls put on it and did pretty much as it damn well pleased in the name of the citizens of the United States.
A spokesperson for the rogue agency had little comment this morning. Rumors persist that the entire staff is severely constipated and called in sick for the the third day in a row. Most of the guilty parties have seniority, cannot be fired and will most likely be transferred to another wing of the gov’ment.
“If they were spying on Brazilian bikinis that would be one thing,” said Noise, “but they were spying on a friend with which we have had good diplomatic relations for decades.”
Several other victims of these ardent fanatics have filed official complaints with the state department. All have embassies in the U.S. All are angry.
“We must nip this kind of transgression in the bud before American tourists are not welcome anywhere, even Russia,” he said.
Size not important most women say
(Chalmette, LA) The size of a pair of shoes is not always the first consideration prior to a purchase according to a majority of women polled this week. Seventy-five percent of female shoppers surveyed here say other variables, such as style, color and price are far more important than fit.
“Of course one must realize that this response was preceded by “drawn/slightly tight” to “loose/unconstricted” in in no way implies that women would go around in shoes that cut off circulation or kept falling off.
“Today’s woman is looking to make a fashion statement from head to toe,” said Margot Rotweiller, president of Feets Don’t Fail Me Now, a New England Cordwainer and Cobbler outfit that turned its first leather shoe in 1703. “If the style is right she can grow into it. If the price is right she can make do.”
Closets are often piled high with shoes that fit perfectly well but “just don’t work” according to those responding to the questionnaire, circulated throughout the Marie LaVeau’s Irish Channel Shopping Mall this weekend. The well-dressed woman prefers a little initial discomfort over color clashes and last year’s drab or outmoded version.
On the male side of the coin, secondary data, collected subliminally at free sausage and cheese pavilions, suggest that most men don’t give a hoot what they look like just so long as they are comfortable. The mantra for the average male, at least in Louisiana is: If it’s got shoe laces – go with it. – Manual Flushe
