Obese Americans to Sit on Syria, Iran

(Washington) America’s severely obese, not yet recognized as a distinct socio-species but growing in that direction, could be the secret weapon employed to control future violence and chaos in the Mideast.
According to sources in the Obama Administration many of “our pathetically fat” will be encouraged to volunteer for a different kind of sit-in this fall – plopping down on rogue states.
“We all remember growing up as kids under the threat of a fat person sitting on us,” said Sal Flaco, originator of the idea. “All we have done here is bundle up these actions, these fears, these legions of obesity and send them, and not our soldiers, to troubled regions around the world.”
Flaco went on to say that there is nothing in the Bible or Koran that talks about fat people because there were most likely not very many of them running around in the Semitic deserts at the time these books were penned. (Maybe even some bought into the concept of the body as a Temple of the Holy Spirit and kept the weight off as a spiritual exercise.)
“Living on dates, camel milk and an occasional lamb won’t put on many calories,” he said. “People were too busy trying to survive to experience the luxury of gaining a little paunch (affluent flesh). In our society, on the other hand, people are told that it is OK to be obese. There are TV shows featuring obese people and fat is projected as normal. They, too, eat fast food and drink soda pop and are a mess just like their viewers.”
If this plan is adopted as an integral part of the various sanctions imposed, we will soon see hordes of obese Americans making unselfish, patriotic sacrifices for their country. Experts say that after a few months sitting on rogue nations and eating the local cuisine, most of the obese will shed pounds as a secondary benefit.
When asked if many heavy Americans had already volunteered Flaco admitted that the program was off to a rocky start.
“First we will have to set up reeducation camps to convince these people that they need to lose weight,” he explained. “There will be no fast food, soda, beer or other foods high in calories. There will be daily exercise. There will be healthy meals. Once our fat people see the benefits we feel that they will be more likely to volunteer for duty in the Mideast so as to keep the weight off.”
Traditional allies were quick to point out that the plan, although heartless and discriminatory, might work.
“Even with the sauces of France and the sausages of Germany the US leads in obesity levels,” said one Belgian dietician. “In England the food is so bad that no one gets chronically plump but there are surprisingly some overweight too.”
“Be that as it may,” said one Congressman who voted for the plan. “Sit on them long enough and these outlaw nations will cave in to the pressure and fly right. We will target leaders, logistical military areas, strategic political groups, water sources, and nuclear facilities.”
An initial plan, which called for the dropping of fast food and soda pop onto offending countries, was scrapped Friday as human rights groups screamed bloody murder.
“That is nothing short of culinary genocide,” said Patsy B. Patsy, Executive Director of Amnesty Interchangeable. “We are so concerned and exited that we are coining new socio-economic terminologies to combat that potential strike.”
Meanwhile King Obama has yet to release plans for the remainder of the region but experts have predicted that fat teams will be sent to Egypt, Somalia, Yemen, Libya, Afghanistan, Lebanon and Iraq before the year is up.
“Things are looking peachy in Jordan, and Turkey is coming around,” said a spokesman for the White House. Now if we could just get Detroit and Philadelphia to follow suit we’d be somewhere.” – Suzie Compost