EVIDENCE OF PEA GREEN MAN UNEARTHED

(Hoover’s Corner) Archeologists digging near here have discovered what may be the skeletal remains of the legendary and elusive Pea Green Man. As more dirt is carefully extracted from the designated sites mitochondrial DNA matches up with what scientists know to be the progressive evolution of these early humans.
Pea Green Man, as most readers are aware, roamed these environs, wedged in between the Pleistocene and Mesolithic ages,
A well-preserved skull, several toes and the majority of a spinal column were also recovered at Shavano Valley this month leading paleoanthropologists to conclude that the place was jumping with Neanderthals, primitive humanoids and even a few hybrids.
If further analysis proves initial theories correct, a Neanderthal-Human hybrid may have been a first love child some 45,000 years ago. Ironically the emergence of this mix led to the downfall of the Mousterian culture (flint tools, spear points) and heralded in the first cases of ethnic cleansing in Europe and Asia.
“We can tell that the specimen is not Neanderthal since it has a protruding jawbone and a round head,” said Dr. Efram Pennywhistle of Cal-Polygamy Institute. “The Neanderthal were chinless bastards and clearly passed DNA from mother to child in a closely knit community. This “kissing cousin” syndrome most likely formulated the limited growth and slow-wittedness attributed to most royal families from ancient times to the present.”
Pennywhistle reaffirmed postulates that support direct evidence that most Europeans and Asians are two to three percent Neanderthal.
“Just look at the Irish and Russians,” he smiled. “Although their royal lineage seems to have escaped the dredges of history, The Dark Ages, the plagues and the Crusades, these people are incorrectly classified as post-Neanderthal when in fact they are brighter than average and merely chronically stubborn (red-faced) and reclusive (cave living at its finest). Common belief that these early humans grew hair on their palms, employed cheap, Chinese-made stoned ceramic tools and ate rocks has never, and will never, be substantiated, at least on my watch.”
These early humans were a rough group,” continued our source, himself the descendant of a Neanderthal princess and a primitive human stable boy. They made other primates seem cosmopolitan by comparison.”
Returning to the Pea Green site scientists struggled to break through a layer of discarded human artifacts such as moldy beer cans, disposable diapers, a muffler from a 1963 Ford Falcon, a worn mattress and an ensemble befitting the professional bowler.
“If anyone wants any of this stuff they had better stop by our digs this week to claim it or it’s going to the dump,” said the doctor. “We are certain this junk was thrown out long after the disappearance of the last Pea Green Man and the emergence of Anasazi shamans, Czars, Tinkers, Evangelists and European fishermen concentrated at hotly contested river crossings before Blue Mesa was flooded.”
Research at the new site is expected to continue throughout the fall although it appears difficult to apply these conflicting detections to the needs of modern man.
“We are just a bunch of fun-loving guys and gals who like to spend the day filtering through piles of dirt and mounds of rock,” said Pennywhistle. “Our efforts are easily as valid as anyone who spends the day behind the wheel, making tacos or in a cubicle spewing information. Besides, quipped Pennywhistle, after eight hours on the job one gets his money’s worth in the shower at the end of the workday.”
-Vladimir Edwin Codswallop