France Contests Louisiana Purchase

Taking advantage of US distractions on the East Sea, the Rio Grande and the Electoral College, centuries-long ally France has filed a bevy of protests charging that the 1803 transfer of Louisiana to the fledgling United States was “felonious, illegitimate and reprehensible”. In addition, that nation pointed to the “cash-strapped cuckhold, Napoleon Bonaparte,” saying he “had no right to peddle our disputed territory west of the Mississippi for a paltry $15 million.”

That, they insist “is only half of The Swindle of New France”.

Wikipedia Map of the Louisiana Purchase or Vente de la Louisiane in 1803. The acquisition doubled the size of the existing United States. Although the land belonged to the indigenous people who had lived there for ions the white folks allegedly made the deal over a few Absinthes and a bucket of boudin.

Apparently the surprise Gallic disagreement rests with the purchase itself, which France says was the result of a spurious and illicit lease agreement, and that any grace period or honeymoon clause had long passed.

“It is right and just to return these prairies and bayous to the European country that first discovered” them,” petitioned the previous landlords at the Hague in 2022. Then back in July the Fifth Republic-on-Seine was calling for a balloon payment of 23 billion francs, citing legitimate interest and the lack of meaningful improvements. In the shadow of international law France had already won the first battle. In a change of course she now insists that the land is forfeit and that the tricolore should once again fly over the 828 square mile region “once again”.

In what may be proof of provocation, a dog-eared  dispatch was discovered under a wandering bunion tree tightly wrapped around three Arturo Fuentes, of unidentified origin. According to Ivory League ombudsmen on the scene the discovery was in actuality a meticulous, bloodthirsty battle plan aimed at seizing the land “by fire and sword” and driving the Americans back across the river.  Le Reconquerant, followed by The French Inquisition? Imagine the TV series. A segment of the worn clandestine document is as follows:

pain de Campagna  jambon  gruyere  oille  macaron  crevettes grises.

girolles  dijon  patates  bebe canard  vin  poivron  lait.

Another school of radical culinary thought postulates that the supposed battle plan is simply the former French president Jacques Chirac’s grocery list from way back at the turn of the century. As Francophiles know he shopped at the Versailles Piggly Wiggly on Saturdays between 10 and noon and always carried an assortment of coupons. He loved calculating costs down to the menut with an Algerian abacus, a gift from his Berber godmother.

Other political twits continue to insist it is a code calling for the invasion of New Orleans on Fat Tuesday in 2025.

“You  snagged the place for the price of a used car and now you wanna bitch?” Sneered Hobble Rigaud, a junkyard millionaire from Houma. “Nothin is dat cheap. You knew the day would come when somebody come along with all different paperwork.”

Meanwhile up in Quebec… The once- lucrative fur trade remains intact despite wild fires to the west and the loss of the Nordiques to Colorado following the French and Indian War. (Read: Black-clad Priests of the Madness are still paddling empty dugouts down shallow, Caucasian rivers of pioneer sprit, unmolested by the former custodians of the forests, the concierge of Red men.)

“They have amassed a military force capable of routing these “American ragamuffins, as they call them,” said Milton Boudreaux formerly of Plaquemines Parish. “Personally I ain’t worried ‘bout nuthin’, and I’ve always wanted to visit Paris and eat beignets and the occasional pigeon”.

Sabers continue to rattle. Dark words are exchanged. Mexico, Spain and a diverse band of Native American tribes are expected to declare war on the United States next Thursday after church. All hope to regain empires lost to sacred and sublime Manifold Destiny.

“Yes, a loose confederacy of Plains tribes, including Sioux, Arapaho and Comanche has painted up and returned to the war path,” added Rigaud.  “Plus the boys and girls over at the Empire of Mexico have extended catering alliances for the projected three-day event.

“I can’t wait to taste the chili relleno etouffe and refried gumbo,” he smiled. 

– Louis-Joseph de Montcalm