All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category
Gulf of Mexico Satirists Meet
Disenfranchised satirists, some carrying picts and farm implements, are said to be meeting at secret locations-primed for the coming jousts all over the planet. Gut feelings of many contend that the storm is not just on the horizon but way over the rainbow.
News twisters and union mockers reacted to the rumors that oil has been discovered on Mars and water on the Earth’s only moon with only slight smiles and sighs as if to say “Please. Not again.”
An emerging aw suit against what they call the American Taliban claims deprivation of livelihood, mental stress and hair loss. The satirists say Congressional Republicans and the White House have seized the parody baton and kept them from plying their trade.
“How do I get anyone to be astonished, to ponder, or even to giggle after they’ve seen posters of trump plastered all over the place?” said one lampooner who has taken to his bed and watches Humphrey Bogart films in an attempt to regain his composure.
“These people are more absurd than we could ever make them in words or gestures. It would be funny if they weren’t in charge of the gov’ment.”
“It is difficult to make fun of people who are already head over heels, the classic clowns of the town. When incompetence, arrogance and greed are the rules of thumb, there is no wiggle room for the index finger or even an innocent pinkie,” said Professor B. Esteric Peawit BMI, ASCAP, BFD. LSMFT, of the Good Enough Gulch Peawits, and Visiting Fellow at Stinking Desert Middle School and Accelerated Graduation Institute.*
“Reagan was fun even, in dementia. Clinton was even better with his perverted taste in women. George W was a riot waiting to happen while Obama offered up an easy target. Even Joe Biden (the Gerald Ford of the Modern Age) allowed satirists and late night hosts enough leeway to laugh up one’s sleeve. In the interim, trump can’t take a joke and his followers miss the opportunity to digest the irony inherent to exaggerated critique or ridicule. Teasing is out. Kissing ass is in.”
“Yeh, that too,” chimed the first lampooner.
Consider these presidential satire bullseyes:
Richard Nixon’s jaw and pointed nose
Gerald Ford’s golfball assaults on others at Vail
Jimmy Carter’s toothy smile and his brother Billy
Reagan’s pompadour, jelly beans and Nancy
George senior Bush’s CIA whine and his son Neil
Bill Clinton’s taste in White House aides
Little George’s difficulty with the English language. “Nuculer”
Obama’s White House basketball court
Joe Biden’s German Shepherds
Donald trump’s orange hair, fouled family, greed and racism.
*Professor Peawit was recently dismissed from her position as head of the Body Chemistry and Hand Anatomy Department after the school’s night janitor repeatedly discovered her sleeping in her locker in the teacher’s lounge.
-Kashmir Horseshoe
“If you were wondering how bad these Epstein files are, turns out they’re ‘invade Venezuela’ bad.” — JIMMY KIMMEL
All in one bitter pill to swallow
In our frustrated and often impossible attempts to avoid giving attention to bad children, we have clumped together an offscouring of observations about the man who would be king. We promise to limit mention of this situation for at least the week.
tRUMP SOUL SNATCHERS BUSY TRYING TO OUT-PIG* EACH OTHER
(Whiteyville) trump policies are flat out empty, like hollow bottles of Jim Beam at the dump. His constant lies, which kill innocent people in “shit holes” all over the world are a fine blend of arrogance, racism and incompetence. He has surrounded himself with sadists and psychopaths who have not a clue. His policies are dictated by the last person who held his attention. How long before these victims and their families forgive the US? Decades? Maybe if we just send them some cash they’ll shut up.
SICK OF SEEING HEADLINES THAT START WITH tRUMP
From now on we will refer to the President as Humpty as in Humpty Dumpty had a great fall…”Also we will use small t when referring to any bloated narcissists and autocratic child molesters that are mentioned in these dispatches. Most fascist regimes love to use the magic word terrorist to condone and justify violence against anyone who gets in their way. trump’s friends, the illegitimate Israeli settlers on West Bank are the real terrorists. How can Israelis dwell on victimhood and kill other Semitic peoples so indiscriminately? (Oh sorry to bust lingering bubbles but Palestinians are Semitic, as was Jesus Christ, albeit of the Jewish variety. He never demolished the houses of his neighbors, even them Hummus type sons-a-bitches).
trump Security Advisor Steven “America for Americans” Miller
is in fact the spawn of Eastern European Jews, yet he detests immigrants. It all began at the turn of the 20th century, in a dirt-floor shack in the village of Antopol, a shtetl of subsistence farmers in what is now Belarus. Beset by violent anti-Jewish pogroms and forced childhood conscription in the Czar’s army, the patriarch of the shack, Wolf-Leib Glosser, fled a village where his forebears had lived for centuries and took his chances in America. (After several generation little Steven popped out.
Pro wrestling bouts on the way at trump-Kennedy? To replace sissy art say MAGA toadies
Empty seats are like an empty promises. Many artists plan to continue the boycott. Will they end up in El Salvadoran prisons too?
tRUMP IS AGENT ORANGE SAYS RUSSIAN DEFECTOR
“Just color your hair and you too can inherit millions from the father who never said,” I love you Donald”
Some of you remember Hair, the musical wizardry weaving of every last crumb and nuance of the hippie subculture of the 60s? In 2026 we have a 5th Columnist President with orange hair who thinks he too is a genius (see dunning-kruger effect). Remember: Many Italian voters loved Mussolini at first until the things went to hell in a Sicilian donkey cart.Is trump hobbling the nation in preparation for hostile takeover. A 5th Columnist? The Manchurian Candidate? A billionaire Bolshevik yet to come out of the closet? Question:Was the US safer and better equipped to deal with global diplomacy, even with Joe Biden asleep at the wheel, than with a beached whale at the helm?
Tom Homan’s Christmas Special will grace new w-house ballroom in Spring.
Popular tunes include “How to slither and take a bribe on camera and still keep your job”, “Why him not in the calaboose?” And “I may be ugly but I just deposited $50,000”
“Though I tend to think it’s usually a waste of space to devote a column to President Trump’s personality — what more is there to say about the character of this petty, hollow, squalid, overstuffed man? — sometimes the point bears stressing: We are led by the most loathsome human being ever to occupy the White House.”
-Bret Stephens, an American conservative columnist.writing in The NY Times
*(Ed note: Out-pig accepted by Websters coincidently at the beginning trump’s second term in office. Replaces the word empathy. (What is a 5-letter word for the dominant suit in bridge/euchre or a showboat racist on 14 down on your winter crossword puzzle?).
For peripheral stories, and a bit of comic relief, please see 10 Ways to reinvent yourself as more Caucasian and Why senile white men really make the best leaders on our “Opinions are Like Noses” page.
Shoot Back, on shelves for holidays
(Rifle, CO) The authentic, real war video, Shoot Back, that bleeds real blood and returns real fire when confronted, is about to be released locally according to unreliable sources in Glenwood Springs. The controversial product, which was originally created to teach users respect for weapons and a disdain for war, is a video game on track to easily squash the already tight violence competition for Christmas.
Despite early praise for the interactive video, the deadeye National Rifle Association appears to have blinked, with the official endorsement of the video delayed until more data can be compiled. The NRA, usually an avid supporter of anything that shoots or blows up, is concerned that the new arrangement is a threat to its powder finger legions.
“If people start figuring out that firearms are not just a one-way-street we may start losing out grassroots supporters,” said a spokesman for the gun lobby. “Our agenda is not compatible with placing our allies in a crossfire. Yes, we want control, but not gun control.”
Critics of the NRA say that organization is pompous, self-serving and one-dimensional.
“Easy access to guns, stumblebum mental health and murderous video games are welded together,” said one weapons-control advocate. “Until we face up to all of the root problems related to these issues, we have nothing. The NRA is not helping the situation by creating paranoia and pointing the finger at anyone who happens to disagree with its philosophy. Why don’t they just come out and say, “Guns are great if you are the one behind the trigger. If you are at the other end of the things, it may not be great at all.”
Plenty of new users have complained of gunshot wounds as a result of playing Shoot Back. Although no deaths have yet been reported one can only expect the game will turn fatal with more play during the holidays.
“We are increasingly appalled at the disregard for human life currently displayed with “entertainment” of this type,” said a guidance counselor at Lee Harvey Oswald Junior High School here. “If you think guns are the optimum source of violence within the adolescent population, think again.”
“Part of the problem is that we do not like each other in this country,” said the source. “We have no respect for anyone, including ourselves. We all know what makes a good person and we know we aren’t good people.”
Another glowing ember in this wild fire is that parents, if they are involved in the lives of their children at all, are not only chronically in denial that their child is twisted by all of this senseless destruction but all too willing to accept violence and anti-social behavior as part of the American culture, like Wal-Mart, fast food, twist-off caps and poodle deposits on your designer footwear.
According to social scientists, video game players who continually see digital death and special effect violence on their cell phones will begin to see human suffering as a game too, a game that they can embrace or ignore just by pushing a button. It’s a game where nobody really gets hurt, or do they? When I point a weapon at someone and pull the trigger, they won’t really get injured, or will they?
– Dinty Moore
Cigar Smoking Not Hobby
(Moline) The practice or habit of cigar smoking does not deserve hobby status according to the North American Diversion and Needlepoint Consortium here. The committee, manned by people with nothing else to do all day, reversed a previous decision made back in March and reported by this newspaper.
During an emotionally charged meeting several proponents of cigar smoking lit up and then stormed out of the hall.
The final vote of 5-0 refused to recognize cigar smoking as a legitimate hobby. In further action the group did a crisp about-face on the status of stamp collecting which was deemed immoral almost three months ago as well.
“There is nothing obscene about placing stamps in a scrapbook and then forgetting about them,” said the group.
As expected the announcement skirted comment on the use of airplane glue in close quarters and the raising of dangerous herbs. A harsh response on the part of cigar chompers and the National Brotherhood of Humidors is not expected.
-Fanny Fumes
Horseshoe Will Check Emotional Baggage
(Gunnison) In keeping with regulations set down by Homeland Security Agency, the San Juan Horseshoe will check the emotional baggage of all readers at the time of publication. The procedure, much like that at the airport, is particularly aimed at prohibited items such as weapons and expletives, but will also be looking for people smuggling cynicism into the paper as well.
Indications that potential readers harbor ill will toward security charades will be reported to the authorities immediately while any uncooperative attitude such as whispering, laughing at security personnel or negative body language will likewise be noted.
“We are particularly offended by persons rolling their eyes in response to questioning and chewing gum while in line,” said General Kashmir Horseshoe, publisher of the paper. “Last month we discovered Nicolas Maduro’s mustache attempting to sneak onto page 4. As it turned out the thing was in search of political amnesty but the very thought of terrorist activity sent shivers down our spineless accounting department.”
Readers accustomed to easy access will be inconvenienced with the boarding times lengthened by only a few minutes. Persons who fight the system will be detained and very likely denied entry altogether.
“We don’t care if you have a ticket and have never committed a felony,” continued Horseshoe. “As far as we’re concerned you are all potential terrorists and have no rights. The very fact that you might be reading is an indication that you do not support the efforts of the current Administration and should be deported.”
The paper will reportedly hire some 10,000 security people to man various departments where subversive element may linger. Subscription and advertising costs are expected to skyrocket but as Horseshoe says, “Unlike the gov’ment we cannot operate within a deficit spending mode. The new expenses are bad enough but what’s worse is going through all those suitcases. Our people aren’t trained for that sort of thing.”
-Pepper Salte
