All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category
Theologians warn: Time to stock up on canned* gods
In the event of an eruption, disruption or interruption people need to be fortify and equip their fallout bunkers. This preparation must include storing sustenance as well as water, weaponry and comfort items.
For a simple start we highly recommend Zeus in heavy syrup and packs of well-insulated Vishnu moon pies. A little Creamed Venus goes a long way toward keeping the smiles in place Frozen Shiva for desert? Why not, you only reincarnate up to 40 times before Nirvana.
So as to fight repetition, our cooking editors strongly suggest jerked Odin with rum Thor pudding. Wash it down with jellied Neptune and escalloped Poseidon. MMMM-good.
When the weekend comes we rely on old time favorites like parboiled Xango /filet of Guaraci and artisan Pan. Then wrap it all up with Mars and Jupiter salsa and delight in Nazareth Tea.
Read more in depth in your Candomble’ and Santeria Feijao Banana Leaf pamphlet distributed by Aphrodite Helpers. African recipes (mixed with Colonial Catholicism TV dinners) are easily stored at room temperature below ground. Plan well. You could be living down there for eternity.
If this is too silly to read what can we do? Many of our fellows have preferred to stay on the surface of the planet and reload shells and sharpen their harpoons…By comparison we have a president of the United States that even lies about his height…and why, pray tell, is he making Veteran’s Day speeches.
-Pepper Salte
*The term canned does not always interface well since it implies prerecorded/derogatory. See canned laughter.
Cattle Cars Block Gates, Delay Flights
(DFW) Lines of worn out railroad cars, originally designed for livestock, have wrecked havoc at many of the nation’s airports, blocking airplane access, limiting normal passenger boarding procedures and slowing down what has long been a dehumanizing experience. Critics of the industry contend that humans are routinely delivered to departure points by these less than pristine land yachts.
And that says nothing about understaffed and currently unpaid air traffic controllers.
“Hordes of flights have been delayed and some even cancelled,” said consumer protection advocate Abbey Wingseat. Airports have become less and less user friendly and now these persistent traffic jams in front of gates have created an intolerable almost noxious environment for pilots, flight crews baggage personnel and. Lest we forget…passengers who have paid to fly.”
Cattle cars are often backed up across runways making parking of planes a lengthy disaster, especially for those with tight connecting flights. It appears to be a problem only with US carriers. Despite all the slogans and promises these U.S. based airlines have continued their descent.
“How are we supposed to load the increased throng of passengers if we don’t improvise?” Asked Fardt, of of American Airlines. “Sure, people are unhappy with the conditions right now but they will soon forget about the trials of boarding once they are on the plane.”
Spokesman for United Airlines chipped in saying that what goes on on the tarmac stays on the tarmac. She reiterated that most planes reach their destinations safely and without incident., adding that only malcontents find that the use of this bucolic transportation (provided to passengers at no extra charge) dilutes the flying experience, is dirty and causes anxiety.
“We are not livestock,” said one frequent flyer of Southwest. He then promised that his next trip would be by bus. He then broke into a chorus of moos, baaas, low bellows, snorts and grunts, supported by other quasi-stranded travelers, a chorus of the disaffected. Many wonder what happened to what was once a pleasant experience in the air.
“But we offer more leg room,” chimed in the airline source.
-Tommy Middlefinger
“Is it more secure to surround oneself with unread books or books that you have read 100 times? What about even once?” – Dolores Alegria
Mercenaries Win World Series
(Toronto) The Los Angeles Mercenaries defeated the Toronto Blue Jays last night 5 – 4 in the 11th inning. A mostly copped squad, the Mercenaries have the largest payroll in baseball. There was a time when the LA franchise had the finest minor league programs in the sport. Now traditional modes have made way for cash.
The absence of an established salary cap in baseball is the culprit here. Until that matter is settled we will watch as the Dodgers along with the Yankees, Red Sox, Cubs and Mets continue to buy instead of develop. The big markets dictate everything including lucrative TV contracts. Meanwhile the fan pays the freight.
Or will these smaller market fans get tired of the imbalances and choose not follow their teams at all? When a backup shortstop makes millions and many workers struggle on $15 per hour the hardball precipice is quaking and shaking, primed for a fall of some magnitude.
2026 would be a splendid time to boycott Major League Baseball until it comes to its collective sense and saves the National Sport from moolah mode. Maybe then salaries might level off and Americans can enjoy more competitive baseball played on level playing fields and not bags of gold and ledger sheets.
-Pepper Salte
US Residents Can Rely on PSC
(Toronto) Imagine the relief in the lower 48 with the announcement that US citizens, legal residents and even undocumented aliens can employ the Canadian version of FEMA called Public Safety Canada to help the prepare for bad weather and even offer premonitory disaster response.
Canada serves its population through collaborative efforts of the Government Operations Centre, several provincial agencies, PSC and a host of NGOs. With the near-dismantling of the US counterpart, FEMA, many in the United States fear for the worse during hurricane season and the effects of climate changes that have arrived angry and extreme over the past decade.
The current leadership down south has all but shattered and shuttered the very effective agency with layoffs, pilfering and lies while extending lucrative tax cuts to the already wealthy. Access to often life-saving information is no longer available or has been severely derailed by reduction of staff and the flight experts he see a fascist future in full regalia.
“Our neighbors are welcome to use weather stats and data as well as emergency disaster forecasts since FEMA has been hobbled by Il Douche,” said Paul Galaski, of PSC. “Preparation is imperative to survival in many cases. Hurricane monitoring (not directly affecting our Commonwealth) has been in place for almost a century. We seek to prevent natural and man-made catastrophes, calamities and debacles wherever they occur.”
The White House has accused Canada of furthering global warming propaganda calling the on its base to decipher fake news from real news with a sip of kool aid news. It further claims that blue states will be given preference from the “left-leaning land” up north. Canadian chat suggests that no one is working at FEMA apart from janitors and an expanded security force to keep nosy citizens away from the formerly functioning facility.
“We will offer a helping hand even to red states such as Texas and Florida to prepare for the worse and build resilience against future events,” said Galaski. Canada will serve as the preventative wheel and not the after-the-storm response.”
Meanwhile the average American is at risk despite the kind offer of brotherhood exhibited herein.
-Kashmir Horseshoe
Candles From Canada Circumvents US
(San Juan, Puerto Rico) It began with a series of blackouts, followed by natural disasters and reminders of what second-class citizenship looks like up close. It was Puerto Rico, a territory of the US that has grown tired of paying taxes up north while hurricane relief and social safety nets go south.
Whether to provide light for victims of power outages or simply to make a political point on the hemispheric stage, Candles From Canada has come to the rescue. Candlestick makers from Ontario and Quebec have been shipping all sorts of wax beacons to the oppressed here who often find themselves quite literally in the dark. Despite the seizure of some 4 tons of candles in international waters Friday, grateful islanders say a substantial number of candles has made it through various blockades.
Candles For Caribs, a subsidiary that delves into organic white rums and rip tides, has taken on the colossal chore of distributing the smuggled candles before hurricane season. The Trump Administration has blacklisted CFC as a terrorist cult due in part to a close relationship with the Open Flame, another guerilla group that demands total freedom from the US and represents El Yunque in faint negotiations and prisoner exchanges. This third armed force has been blamed for the Close Cover Before Striking Massacre in 2014.
“Even with efforts to thwart our movements on the high seas we have managed to amas more than 4 million candles or all sizes and colors and hope to trade the excess for beans and rice,” said a spokesman for the governor’s office. “We just want to keep the light flowing.”
In addition to the candles some Canadian companies are handing out overnight kits (made in China) to many refugees stranded in Mexico and Central America. They are in limbo without a toothbrush,” said an organizer. “It must be a frightening experience but no worse than what they may face in El Salvador or Sudan.
The source went on to illuminate the picture saying that most of those deported have never flown before and no little or nothing about aerodynamics, further befuddling any basic comprehension of what is happening around them.
One GOP senator insists that Candles For Canada is a front for communist cells and provides distraction, albeit less than clandestine, to shroud Canada’s plan to seize Puerto Rico, Greenland, the Panama Canal and Alaska.
“How much light do these malcontents need?” she squinted. “Most of their favorite past times are conducted in the dark.”
Meanwhile according to a recent poll conducted at El Apagon Stadium in July, more than 78% of all residents of the island favor joining Canada
“A nice tropical island is something we Canadians have coveted for a long time,” joked the official source who demanded animosity.
-Rory Lyons
THE GELDED AGE IS UPON US
Is there anyone out there who believes Donald Trump? Sadly yes, the New York mafia film-flam man is still adored by blind, educationally and geographically challenged Americans who resent anyone of any color who doesn’t wave the flag and swallow the kool aid whole. But even some of these mislead victims are quietly wandering away from the MAGA fold.
“L’état, c’est moi”
Yet Soul cannibal oligarchs, like Steven “Gestapo” Miller and JD “Hillbilly Payday” Vance that seek to exert their power over the helpless and supine just like in the gilded era of F. Scott Fitzgerald, minus the irony with any visible pinch of conscience .
“(He is) Untethered to the facts” – That’s how Judge Karin Immergut (a Trump appointee) put it sharply in the Portland invasion case. The GOP emboldens fascism under the cover of religion and jingo-patriotism when all these leaders really want to is more and more wealth. . If our public schools were better than day care centers a loser like Trump couldn’t have been elected dog catcher. Many supporters are just about to be screwed by the man they worship. Sorry, but I can’t wait.
Hitler called anti-fascists terrorists too.
Did you know that roughly 99% of the allied troops deployed and fighting in Europe in 1939-1945 were Antifa, (or anti-fascist). They were on Hitler’s list of international terrorists. The Nazis were then lost in the rubble and the German civilians paid the price. Here’s Wishing Americans would fight as hard as the Ukrainians have to preserve their republic.
All for show
Breaking news: Trump wins Piece Prize for his retreats with Jeffrey Epstein (his imagined mandate). Many Americans are calling Portland, Oregon the “Epstein Distraction City.” Donald’s war zones are Trumped Up – Chicago/Portland/Memphis. Democrats, lame as they are, did not create the urban disasters around us—they inherited them. The displaced navigate to the cities in search of survival all over the workld. Just another porly performed show. Shining away with no contnt on reality TV. Pulling people of color off the street…Trump has now identified Sativa as a domestic terrorism cell. The emperor has no clothes but wears a red tie.
Meanwhile construction begins on West Lawn liar’s bench
Despite the fact that the very White House failed to secure a building permit to excavate for survival bunker, construction marches on. Insiders confirm that a Bavarian-design remodel is underway right under the humble and acquiescent bench. Does Trump’s plan include the burning a Reichstag of some sort? He could blme it on the “Hamas lovers who hate America”. It worked for Adolf but only for a dozen years . Considering the incompetence displayed by the Il Douche goons, it would not be surprising if they burned down one of the Trump hotels by mistake. Considering that Trump’s mass is almost double that of Herr Hitler he might not be able to fit in the bunker anyway. And oh, Don, good work commuting the sentence of George Santos – One liar to another heh?
Our readers write
A woman from Rifle says Trump is a Russian mole intent on destroying the US.
A man in Albuquerque writes that MAGA had Trump’s former carrousing buddy, Jefferey Epstein, murdered in prison so he could’t talk .
A Pennsylvania source insists that the attempted assassination of Trump was staged and that even the blood was catsup. The alleged bullet meant for him came from th opposite direction of the conveniently deceased shooter. The American killed in the incident was real and damn well expendable in the big picture.
A Utah forensic expert thinks Israel killed Utah evangelist, Charlie Kirk, who had been critical of Netanyahu’s systematic genocide in Gaza. She contends that the GOP then blamed the left and, with some success, tried to create a martyr to their cause. Prove me wrong.
And in the most shocking correspondence, a former nun says many Trump aficionados secretly think he is Jesus while a simultaneous anti-Christ status gives him unearned credibility.
Trump only prays to himself. He is as spiritual as bag of lawn fertilizer. Would a final Mega Rapture rid the world of this dangerous clown show? If so let’s roll.
IN CLOSING:
It’s all for show and polarization of the country for gold. Frightend Republicans mouth the drama then do nothing but promote fear and hatred as their boy meshes Divine Right with the Insurrection Act. What sort of twisted morality supports this? One riding the coat tails of an evil propsperity that he hopes to embrace?
The Trump Administration follows the professional wrestling model like margerine in a hot pan. Quick meltdowns. Crude. All fake! Rumors flourish that new fund me contest has emerged where contributors/participants could win two rounds in the ring with Trump at the WWF finals in 2026
CHEW ON THIS Would Ya?
Trump fires pollsters after 70% disapproval rate shakes the foundations with weasel Republicans and frightened Democrats soiling their polyesters. Meanwhile Il Douche continues his “What me worry? stature. “I’m staying on as your President as soon as we formulate an air-tight plan to kill the 2026 mid-term and 2028 Prez elections. It will be terrific.”
Oh, and Elon Musk’s dad, Errol Musk – “just one of the boys” was recently accused of sexually abused his own children and fellow pedophile, Price Andrew of England has now surrendered his Duke of York title. It is obvious a fat man from Queens, who colors his hair and cheats at golf, is on borrowed time.
-Kashmir Horseshoe
