All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category

Candles From Canada Circumvents US

(San Juan, Puerto Rico) It began with a series of blackouts, followed by natural disasters and reminders of what second-class citizenship looks like up close. It was Puerto Rico, a territory of the US that has grown tired of paying taxes up north while hurricane relief and social safety nets go south.

Whether to provide light for victims of power outages or simply to make a political point on the hemispheric stage, Candles From Canada has come to the rescue. Candlestick makers from Ontario and Quebec have been shipping all sorts of wax beacons to the oppressed here who often find themselves quite literally in the dark. Despite the seizure of some 4 tons of candles in international waters Friday, grateful islanders say a substantial number of candles has made it through various blockades.

Candles For Caribs, a subsidiary that delves into organic white rums and rip tides, has taken on the colossal chore of distributing the smuggled candles before hurricane season. The Trump Administration has blacklisted CFC as a terrorist cult due in part to a close relationship with the Open Flame, another guerilla group that demands total freedom from the US and represents El Yunque in faint negotiations and prisoner exchanges. This third armed force has been blamed for the Close Cover Before Striking Massacre in 2014.

“Even with efforts to thwart our movements on the high seas we have managed to amas more than 4 million candles or all sizes and colors and hope to trade the excess for beans and rice,” said a spokesman for the governor’s office. “We just want to keep the light flowing.”

In addition to the candles some Canadian companies are handing out overnight kits (made in China) to many refugees stranded in Mexico and Central America. They are in limbo without a toothbrush,” said an organizer. “It must be a frightening experience but no worse than what they may face in El Salvador or Sudan.

The source went on to illuminate the picture saying that most of those deported have never flown before and no little or nothing about aerodynamics, further befuddling any basic  comprehension of what is happening around them.

One GOP senator insists that Candles For Canada is a front for communist cells and provides distraction, albeit less than clandestine, to shroud Canada’s plan to seize Puerto Rico, Greenland, the Panama Canal and Alaska.

“How much light do these malcontents need?” she squinted. “Most of their favorite past times are conducted in the dark.”

Meanwhile according to a recent poll conducted at El Apagon Stadium in July, more than 78% of all residents of the island favor joining Canada

“A nice tropical island is something we Canadians have coveted for a long time,” joked the official source who demanded animosity.

-Rory Lyons

THE GELDED AGE IS UPON US

Is there anyone out there who believes Donald Trump? Sadly yes, the New York mafia film-flam man is still adored by blind, educationally and geographically challenged Americans who resent anyone of any color who doesn’t wave the flag and swallow the kool aid whole. But even some of these mislead victims are quietly wandering away from the MAGA fold. 

“L’état, c’est moi”

Yet Soul cannibal oligarchs, like Steven “Gestapo” Miller and JD “Hillbilly Payday” Vance that seek to exert their power over the helpless and supine just like in the gilded era of F. Scott Fitzgerald, minus the irony with any visible pinch of conscience .

“(He is) Untethered to the facts” – That’s how Judge Karin Immergut (a Trump appointee) put it sharply in the Portland invasion case. The GOP emboldens fascism under the cover of religion and jingo-patriotism when all these leaders really want to is more and more wealth. . If our public schools were better than day care centers a loser like Trump couldn’t have been elected dog catcher. Many supporters are just about to be screwed by the man they worship. Sorry, but I can’t wait.

Hitler called anti-fascists terrorists too.

Did you know that roughly 99% of the allied troops deployed and fighting in Europe in 1939-1945 were Antifa, (or anti-fascist). They were on Hitler’s list of international terrorists. The Nazis were then lost in the rubble and the German civilians paid the price. Here’s Wishing Americans would fight as hard as the Ukrainians have to preserve their republic.

All for show

Breaking news: Trump wins Piece Prize for his retreats with Jeffrey Epstein (his imagined mandate).  Many Americans are calling Portland, Oregon  the “Epstein Distraction City.” Donald’s war zones are Trumped Up – Chicago/Portland/Memphis. Democrats, lame as they are, did not create the urban disasters around us—they inherited them. The displaced navigate to the cities in search of survival all over the workld. Just another porly performed show. Shining away with no contnt on reality TV. Pulling people of color off the street…Trump has now identified Sativa as a domestic terrorism cell. The emperor has no clothes but wears a red tie.

Meanwhile construction begins on West Lawn liar’s bench

Despite the fact that the very White House failed to secure a building permit to excavate for survival bunker, construction marches on. Insiders confirm that a Bavarian-design remodel is underway right under the humble and acquiescent bench. Does Trump’s plan include the burning a Reichstag of some sort? He could blme it on the “Hamas lovers who hate America”. It worked for Adolf but only for a dozen years . Considering the incompetence displayed by the Il Douche goons, it would not be surprising if they burned down one of the Trump hotels by mistake. Considering that Trump’s mass is almost double that of Herr Hitler he might not be able to fit in the bunker anyway. And oh, Don, good work commuting the sentence of George Santos – One liar to another heh?

Our readers write

A woman from Rifle says Trump is a Russian mole intent on destroying the US. 

A man in Albuquerque writes that MAGA had Trump’s former carrousing buddy, Jefferey Epstein, murdered in prison so he could’t talk .

A Pennsylvania  source insists that the attempted assassination of Trump was staged and that even the blood was catsup. The alleged bullet meant for him came from th opposite direction of the conveniently deceased shooter. The American killed in the incident was real and damn well expendable in the big picture.

A Utah forensic expert thinks Israel killed Utah evangelist, Charlie Kirk, who had been critical of Netanyahu’s systematic genocide in Gaza. She contends that the GOP then blamed the left and, with some success, tried to create a martyr to their cause. Prove me wrong.

And in the most shocking correspondence, a former nun says many Trump aficionados secretly think he is Jesus while a simultaneous anti-Christ status gives him unearned credibility. 

Trump only prays to himself. He is as spiritual as bag of lawn fertilizer. Would a final Mega Rapture rid the world of this dangerous clown show? If so let’s roll.

IN CLOSING:

It’s all for show and polarization of the country for gold. Frightend Republicans mouth the drama then do nothing but promote fear and hatred as their boy meshes Divine Right with the Insurrection Act. What sort of twisted morality supports this? One riding the coat tails of an evil propsperity that he hopes to embrace?

The Trump Administration follows the professional wrestling model like margerine in a hot pan. Quick meltdowns. Crude. All fake! Rumors flourish that new fund me contest has emerged where contributors/participants could win two rounds in the ring with Trump at the WWF finals in 2026

CHEW ON THIS Would Ya?

Trump fires pollsters after 70% disapproval rate shakes the foundations with weasel Republicans and frightened Democrats soiling their polyesters. Meanwhile Il Douche continues his “What me worry? stature. “I’m staying on as your President as soon as we formulate an air-tight plan to kill the 2026 mid-term and 2028 Prez elections. It will be terrific.

Oh, and Elon Musk’s dad, Errol Musk – “just one of the boys” was recently accused of sexually abused his own children and fellow pedophile, Price Andrew of England has now surrendered his Duke of York title. It is obvious a fat man from Queens, who colors his hair and cheats at golf, is on borrowed time.

-Kashmir Horseshoe

Musings on the Furry Unpredictable Bruin

“I want to be accepted as a bear by bears for just one night this fall. That’s my autumn fantasy. Here are the best daydreams, reveries and delusional suggestions from readers as well as a slew of keen observations from people out wandering around in the forest. Guidance, respect and caution blend to present the solicitor and the animal in the best light

One must adhere to eating habits to fit in with the sleuth. – If you want to fit in you must eat maggots and an occasional cow carcass (buried for at least aa week. On the more pleasant side of the culinary adventure try salmon eyes or fresh honey.

The smell. You have to take on that smell. That bear scent or you’re sure to be noticed by the offensive human aroma, if not spotted and possibly eaten on the spot.

“He/she is a bear in the morning.”  When a person os difficult right out of bed and sometimes until lunch. Bears are bears 24/7 and are larger and stronger than you.

I don’t know about your wishes but I do know it’s bear safety rhyme “If it’s brown, lay down. If it’s black, fight back. If it’s white, goodnight” sounds like good advice.

Bear are vegetarians. Bear are always hungry. You decide.

“Men are bears with furniture.” – Rita Rudner

In Medellin, Antioquia they say “Que oso!” What a bear…which translates as how bad or embarrassing…

Origin of Teddy bear: Teddy Roosevelt is not cuddly in the least and is a loud mouth which will undoubtedly interrupt one’s sleep. 

In 1976 Melvin B. Toole spent the entire winter in a cave near Sultan Peak to simulate the overall effects of hibernation. Grew fur. He had little tech advantage just notes and pencils. Fell asleep. Taught some wandering Dahl sheep how to start a campfire.

Hibernation sucks! Say younger cubs.

Learn bear etiquette. There have been a barrage of new books on this very subject as humans attempt to compete with AI and simultaneously out of other ideas.

Bear suits don’t work unless you want to be on such screen gems as I Love Lucy or Gentle Ben. Remember the cameo of the bear in The Shining?

Denver Bears makes some sense, but Baylor Bears – why? Bruins, Grizzlies, Chicago Bears ad nauseam.

Never ever carry bear spray. If they (the bears) find it on you you are as good as toast.

– Uncle Pahgre

Dodgers Moving Back to Brooklyn

(Sunset Park  —  Flatbush Base Stealer Press)

     After 67 years in Los Angeles, the Dodgers have decided to return to Brooklyn. The popular franchise will begin its 2026 season in New York according to a team spokesman.

     The move was described as fiscal in nature although growing seismic activity, gang violence and increasing smog may have entered into the final decision.

     “There are innumerable issues to resolve,” according to a team owner. “But in the final summation we prefer the Big Apple to El Lay.”

     The Dodgers will not be able to return to the old haunts of Ebbets Field or even the Polo Grounds since the historic parks were long ago “plowed under”. Negotiations are reportedly going on with existing facilities and the local government.

     “It got so that we couldn’t see the pitches, even on a good day,” said player personnel director Melvin “Sac-Fly” Toolovich. “Even when the wind blows the pollution stays put out here at Chavez Ravine.”

     One option appears to be a rooftop stadium above Barclays Center, the home of the Brooklyn Nets NBA team. That, according to local environmentalists would have less impact on a neighborhood still reeling from urban stadium expansions in high real estate locales. It might also be in keeping with progressive gardening techniques developed in Paris and Berlin. Yields from each of these communities have been impressive and baseball might lower its carbon footprint here, say the experts.

     The Dodgers (originally the Trolley Dodgers) will remain in the National League if the relocation is approved at the highest levels. The move is expected to fill the void left by the New York Mets’ abrupt move to Havana, Cuba where people still speak proper English and understand the dimensions of the slow curve.

– Rocky Flats

Dinosaurs to blame for Slope roads

(Denver) The often deplorable condition of Western Colorado’s roads is due to centuries of abuse by dinosaurs according to Governor Jared Polis. Likening the destruction to some 50,000 tractor trailers dropped directly on the asphalt from the sky, the governor praised road crews and defended disbursement of public funds during his reign.

     “These mindless lizards never paid one penny of highway tax either,” chimed Polis from the veranda of the gubernatorial mansion here. His appearance would be cut short as weather experts warned of a particularly dangerous brown cloud air index levels, serious enough not to be diluted by an abundance of temporary hot air.

     The governor went on by blasting critics and free-lance skeptics who were quick to point out that no dinosaurs have roamed these parts for centuries. He equated the lack of attentiveness to history’s manifold destiny and the chronic fiscal irresponsibility of more recent times.

     “This is no partisan issue. These animals did the deed many years ago and we are paying for it today,” said the governor. “even before they built Interstate 25.”

     “One cannot discount the damage wrought on our transport arteries by these ignorant beasts of enormous mass,” he said. “Other states like Texas and Arizona have far nicer roads and the common denominator there is that no dinosaur bones have been exhumed.”

     Polis called on all students of motorized travel to do their homework on this issue. He promised to appoint a committee of archeological teams to further study the problem. Dinosaur fences have been proposed as well as a highly controversial fossil fuel pipeline from Alberta to the Gulf of Mexico.

     “We have already started building dinosaur crossings (with tunnels) and creating a sense of tight security around the more prevalent digs,” said one fossil scientist. “Some of our flaggers have even reported seeing dragons in the Bland Valley and the occasional  rogue unicorn on the Uncompahgre Plateau. We must be careful not to upset the natural balance or there goes our chance at cheap gas for another generation.

     It is commonly held that one day dead dinosaurs turned into oil much like Rumpelstiltskin straw turned to gold or Pinocchio puppets turned into real boys.

     Polis assured voters that the problem would be handled and that residents and visitors alike would once again experience the quality of highways, trails and toll roads built before the Civil War.

     “This is outrageous!” said one Republican county commissioner. “Next he’ll be telling us there won’t be a state of the state address because the dinosaurs ate his homework. Imagine people tied up in traffic trying to get to the gold fields or to the Rapture or to attack sleeping Indian villages. Not on these roads!”

     There has been no response to the issue by the powerful dinosaur lobby since it is believed the group has suffered extinction, which according to some is the exact, and final opposite of evolution.

– Kashmir Horseshoe

A Question of Mental Health

(The scene is the entryway of an ubiquitous mental health facility somewhere in Western Colorado. It is just after lunch and most of the patients are engaged in therapeutic siesta which could last well into medication hour and/or dinner.)

21st Century Man: Pardon me, but I’d like to inquire about admission.

Nurse Thorazine: Sorry, we’re full. Go away.

21st Century Man: But I’m nuts.

Nurse Thorazeen: Can you prove it?

21st Man: Well, I’m out of control most of the time. I just pulled in the reins to make it down here. I could go off at any moment.

Nurse: That’s what they all say.

21st Man: OK. You win. I’ll prove it. Watch this…

(The 21st Century Man proceeds to eat all of the #2 pencils carefully arranged on the admittance desk then begins banging his head on the reception counter…harder and harder with each repetition.)

Nurse: All right! All right…that’s just about enough of that shameful display. You’ll wake up the clients. Just because you eat a few pencils and bang your head on the desk doesn’t necessarily mean you’re crazy.

21st Man: Well then, tell me, what does then?

Nurse: A history of mental illness would be nice. Have you ever been under psychiatric care?

21st Man: Not that I can recall. Wait, I did talk to a school counselor once, about twenty-five years ago.

Nurse: Can you document it?

21st: I doubt whether anyone keeps records that far back.

Nurse: Hmmmm. I’d like to help you but rules are rules and it’s about time for this meeting to end. You must have the proper credentials or we can’t admit you. Do you have any idea how many people come in here everyday claiming to be nuts?

21st: But I am really nuts!

Nurse: Now there’s no reason to raise our voice. You think you are special?

21st: Didn’t you ever see Catch 22 where the hero cannot convince the battalion shrink that he’s crazy enough for a section 8 after uncountable bombing missions, just because he is sane enough to seek one?

Nurse: He probably failed to produce the required paperwork.

21st: Where would I get that…the proper paperwork.

Nurse: We have doctors here that can perform an initial diagnosis, but they are all quite busy right now. If you insist on pursuing this why not take a seat. You’ll find a wide array of medications in the ash trays because, of course, this is a non-smoking facility. Do you smoke?

21st: No

Nurse: Do you have insurance.

21st: Yes, I pay over $750 per month but it doesn’t cover mental health.

Nurse: It’s up to you. I have to get back to work.

21st: Oh well, I guess I’ll wait for the initial diagnosis. I’ll be just as crazy in an hour as I am right now.

CONTINUED NEXT MONTH