All Entries in the "Hard News" Category
Cincinnati Reds Mourn the Passing of Pete Rose
CINCINNATI (Sept. 30, 2024) — The Cincinnati Reds extend their deepest condolences to the family, friends, and teammates of Reds Hall of Famer Pete Rose, who passed away earlier today at the age of 83.
“Our hearts are deeply saddened by the news of Pete’s passing,” said Bob Castellini, Reds Principal Owner and Managing Partner. “He was one of the fiercest competitors the game has ever seen, and every team he played for was better because of him. Pete was a Red through and through. No one loved the game more than Pete and no one loved Pete more than Reds Country. We must never forget what he accomplished.”
Rose, a 17-time All-Star, is the all-time MLB leader in hits (4,256), games played (3,562), at-bats (14,053) and singles (3,215). He won three World Series (1975 & 76 with the Reds, 1980 with the Phillies), three batting titles (1968, ’69 & ’73), one National League Most Valuable Player Award (1973), two Gold Glove Awards (1969, ’70), NL Rookie of the Year Award (1963) and 1975 World Series MVP. In 1999, Rose was named to the Major League Baseball All-Century Team.
Rose was inducted into the Reds Hall of Fame in 2016 and his iconic #14 was retired the same year. His statue outside Great American Ball Park was dedicated in 2017.
“I think just about everybody ought to get a second chance and I’d like to see it worked out, because he brought a lot of joy to the game, and he gave a lot of joy to people, and he’s paid a price – God knows, he’s paid a price.” – Bill Clinton, on Rose’s banishment from baseball on gambling charges.
“(Don) Gullett’s the only guy who can throw a baseball through a car wash and not get the ball wet.” – Pete Rose. Source: The Sporting News (October 24, 1970) regarding a teammate
ACCOUNTING DEPARTMENT MISSING FUNDS
(Gunnison) The general accounting department at Western State University cannot account for more than $1.4 million dollars collected from a Ribidoux Hall bake sale held back in May.
“This is embarrassing,” said one faculty advisor. “What kind of an example are we setting for these kids. I’m sure it’s just an oversight but nobody needs publicity like this especially during an election year.”
According to administration source the money turned up missing after a dinner honoring 119-year-old alumnus Ernest Walpole, credited with designing the first recreational vehicle. In North America.
It is surmised that the funds were somehow switched with the $23 collected at the honorarium.
“All those cigar boxes look alike,” said one clerk who wished to remain unnamed. “How can we watch every penny?”
The district attorney is looking into charges that the funds were lost in a poker game with the Adams State debate team over Memorial Day Weekend.
Meanwhile students are expected to reject a referendum that would allow Taco Bell and Sonic Burger 24-hour access to the national historic, turn-of-the-century chemistry lab. In a hotly contested campaign the fast food franchises had offered gold passes to prospective supporters. Hopped-up thugs continue to roam the campus this morning looking to prevent a high voter turnout.
– Rocky Flats
GREYHOUND HYDROPLANES, TWO INJURED
(Colorado Springs) Heavy rains made for dangerous conditions at the Garden of the Gods Dog Track Saturday as one participant, a three-year-old canine named Lizzy, lost her footing in a puddle and subsequently hydroplaned, spinning around helplessly and finally landing against a wall. She was cheated and released at St Roscoe’s Hospital following the accident.
Two dog racing enthusiasts, Timothy Foltz of Cortez and Mondo Carmen of Gunnison were injured in unrelated incidents. Neither were wearing seat belts or safety helmets. Foltz fell seven stories from the top of the stands after attempting to get a better view of the proceedings and Carmen pulled a hamstring muscle while eating some very combative eggplant parmesan. Both were kept overnight for observation.
Breaking news! If you were planning to bet on the 1999 Kentucky Derby it’s too late since the legendary race took place back in May.
“I am most at peace living in a community where I can just run down to the corner and pick up a tub of civiche, a baguette and a few beers .” – Small Mouth Bess
Now you can vote at Wal-Mart
(Montrose) Registered voters wishing to do their duty this election can simply cast their stones at the local Wal-Mart rather than wasting precious shopping time at the polls. Along with voting, citizens are reminded that they can open credit accounts, get married, have children, pay taxes and be buried here too.
It sets a convenient precedence according to sources within this mass marketing framework and “can only lead to more mindless consumption and greater profits for everyone.
“We want to help the average Joe stay very damn average,” smiled one part-time greeter who does not qualify for company benefits.
The Wal Mart voting booth will be open for a week prior to election day so that citizens are not forced to change their schedules and focus on just one day. Information as to how to vote and who to vote for will be provided at the entrance. Persons who have not as yet registered can do so with their Wal Mart credit card.
“People can easily forget that it’s Tuesday…election day. We’re doing our part for this great democracy!” whines an in-store announcement. “And after you vote don’t forget to check out the seasonal items on aisle three.”
Meanwhile down in sunny Arizona corporate militias have succeeded in apprehending some of the last ma and pa operatives in the Phoenix area. At press time there are only a few of the “unaffiliated” holdouts remaining. On the site of what was a great kosher deli is now a chain burger place. It’s the same all over the place. The city without a city has been transformed into “the hell of suburban corridor commercial prostitution, according to a High Pima hieroglyphics dating back to the Goldwater era.. The Phoenix has crash landed indwell not fly right again.
Although the status of the former self-employed radicals was not completely clear a police spokesman said they “are being de-programmed and retrained for positions as cashiers at a chain gas station. Persons who do not adapt to the masterplan are taken to what’s left of the desert and left to fend for themselves. Some of the unlucky ones will end up pushing lead within the government.
“We’re not at liberty to talk about the situation in Arizona,” said a Wal-Mart voice. “We have a strong economy here too and it will continue to boom just as long as everyone cooperates,” said the stooge.
– Mambo Sambo
“Mr. Trump is a felon who flouts the law and the Constitution, an inveterate liar beholden to no higher cause than his self-interest and a reckless policymaker indifferent to the well-being of the American people. His term in office did lasting damage to the people and the project of America and to its reputation around the world. In a second term he would operate with fewer restraints and more willing enablers, and he and his emboldened advisers have made clear they intend to exercise power ruthlessly.”
– Editorial Board New York Times
FALL TV PROGRAMS STIMULATING
(New York) Here are some of the more imaginative television shows for fall with a short synopsis of the first episode.
ALL THE TEA IN CHINA – A 3-year-old computer hack isolates a secret code, breaks into Pentagon memory banks and orders the bombing of Shanghai cable-vision installations despite a weekend ban on campfires.
COOKING WITH LITIGATION – The pilot program traces the 2019 nightmare caused by giant mushrooms clogging Slumgullion Pass while anti-fungal crews risked everything to return to the status quo. When Zen prosecutors arrive on the scene aspen trees turn to celery sticks while marsh wasp impersonators promised the moon. Justice is served on a steaming bed of rice.
GREAT CITIES OF AMERICA – The first show chronicles the nightlife to be found in suburban Lima, Ohio.
JUST US HUMUS – Jim Bob tries to convince Lucinda to go out with him even though he’s been transformed into a glass of tepid iced tea. Junior is in jail again but his pickup is running at long last. Love scenes are pushing the limit on sugar and lemon.
WHAM-SLAM-BAM – Can pagan babies make it in the NBA? Find out yourself as one jive street smart family embraces capitalism in size 20 sneakers. Exclusively on The Pagan Baby Network. Sponsored by Nun Block Salve.
THE SPANDEX MYSTERY THEATER – RVs full to the brim with seeping garbage are shot into space just as Cynthia hears from Rob and Dave sleeps with Josephine. Arlo’s See-Thru Fashion line gets the nix in the Garment District and the price of vermouth skyrockets.
HILLBILLY HEAVEN – Transient Frog Boy antics upset second-home owners near Rico, Colorado. Joe’s edible cell phone ends up at the bottom of an abandoned Marshal Basin mine shaft with Joe stuck to it. The cops will have to investigate but never on prime time.
ARIZONA’S FUNNIEST BATHROOM VIDEOS – Veronica enjoys her 95th birthday having survived a bubble bath while her worthless off-spring attempts to siphon off champagne. Nice desert sunsets break up the suspense. The social flow is soon interrupted by a visit from the always thirsty Brian the Geek with the afternoon racing form.
SAN JUAN SAGAS – In a vain attempt to preserve the Needles Rain Forest Alferd Packer returns to his old haunts and hogs a full booth for himself at the Ouray-Silverton Truck Driving Academy for lunch. He fails to tip.
-Kashmir Horseshoe, sociable critic
C-DOT DECISIONS MADE IN SANDBOX
(Denver) A majority of choices directly effecting Department of Transportation policies are made by small children according to secret documents discovered strewn along Highway 50 in Gunnison County. The decisions, often resulting in nightmares for travelers attempting to negotiate strategic regions under construction, are formulated by toddlers playing with toy trucks and steam shovels.
“These disclosures begin to shed some light on the approach to road construction,” said Rocky Flats, a retired toll road engineer and nearly the founder of nearby Sapinero Waterworld.
“When one watches road crews tear up stretches of highway at the height of summer tourist season it sets you thinking,” he continued. “Wouldn’t it make more sense to build the road in portions or work at night so as not to create such a traffic glut?”
Flats criticized the highway hierarchy but admitted that the children, unlike most DOT officials, at least had some hands on experience in the sand box.
“At least they understand the concept of space and gravity,” he said
“Nor are they afraid to get their hands dirty and they do a great job simulating the sounds of heavy equipment,” he smiled. “we can comprehend a limited attention span on the part of pre-schoolers much easier than digesting the reality of incompetence within the ranks of leading DOT bosses.”
In a related piece Colorado Governor Jared Polis announced today that future speed limits in the state would be set by members of the underworld since nobody else seems to possess a logical formula for these guidelines.
“The syndicate bosses are quite gifted when it comes to devising postulates that we all can live with,” said the governor, waving off references to corpus delicti infringements allegedly tied to highway surfacing. “Besides, the mafia generally votes Democrat, you know with the unions and all.”
Polis defended the current road widening operation, in lieu of building a four-lane highway, saying that the little kids in the sand box could not count that high. Several local critics concluded that C-DOT could not manipulate these numbers either.
– Suzie Compost
