All Entries in the "Hard News" Category
Las marmotas crecen mucho más, exhibiendo gusto por la carne
Exhibiendo tendencias espantosas que bordean a los carnívoros, estos comedores borrosos de leguminosas en flor en transición están creciendo más que nunca. Para compensar el extraño crecimiento, estos animales hambrientos pueden necesitar más que semillas e insectos.
Una vez fueron vistos como lindos e inofensivos, insignificantes en un mundo de autos rápidos y derrumbes aún más rápidos. Eran esos herbívoros sin sentido, aunque nunca se calentaron con el nombre.
Las cosas pueden ser muy diferentes pronto.
Los biólogos de Alpine dicen que es un poco más de ese negocio del cambio climático. Más tiempo para comer, menos para dormir debido al clima. Los cazadores de pieles, que lanzan estos golpes en busca de presas, dicen que los animales siempre han albergado un vil resentimiento, pero hasta hace poco eran demasiado pequeños para comer a la gente.
“Mi compañero Jeb quedó atrapado solo en Bostwick Park cuando tres o cuatro de las marmotas lo rodearon. Afortunadamente, Jeb los distrae con espejos y baratijas y luego escapó por la pared sur del Black Canyon “.
“Nunca estuvo tan feliz de ver las brillantes luces de Cimarrón”, exhaló el trampero.
Los líderes cívicos están pidiendo una acción militar ante la creciente amenaza. Dicen que corren el riesgo de ser invadidos en muchas de las aldeas más remotas de las Montañas Rocosas. Muchos ya han llamado a ataques aéreos a sus posiciones que llamaron inseguros y tentadores para el resurgimiento de roedores violentos.
Ya otros depredadores como el zorro, el coyote y el venado han registrado incidentes de acoso escolar, saltos (reclamos) y confiscación de alimentos para verificar sus reclamos.
Los cerdos, una vez lindos y dóciles, eran maravillosos vecinos que se mantenían a sí mismos, correteando entre las rocas, las flores silvestres, el pedregal y la tundra. Han tenido su día en el sol. Ahora quieren su día en el sol, ¿entiendes?
Los científicos temen que cuando los roedores alcancen las 200 libras, la cadena alimentaria se desvíe drásticamente, lo que dejará a los residentes urbanos en riesgo de enfrentamientos violentos en sus hogares o en la calle.
(Continuado en Hard News)
Mountain Rescue – Winter Vigil
As long as there is a Red Mountain Pass there will be Ouray County Rescue. photo by Delinda Austin
No Lie Zone Riles Kellyanne, Huckabee Mujer
Una zona sin mentiras sin precedentes, que prohíbe a Kellyanne Conway y a Sarah Huckabee Sanders del micrófono de la conferencia de prensa, entrará en efecto esta tarde, luego de quejarse y twittear ciegamente por la Oficina Oval.
Al calificar de buenos cristianos a sus asesores cercanos, el director ejecutivo extramatrimonial criticó la acción tomada por lo que él llamó “facciones deshonestas del ejército estadounidense” durante el fin de semana.
Estas dos mujeres son de oro, “la última de las leales”, dijo Trump. “Los mentirosos tienen narices largas. No veo ninguna nariz larga aquí “.
La Fuerza Aérea decidió sobre las restricciones después de que surgieran falsedades y explicaciones infantiles que continuaron fluyendo de los dos portavoces. La Zona de No Mentira se llevará a cabo de manera muy similar a la Zona de No Vuela que prohíbe ciertos movimientos y el acceso a la respuesta convencional.
“Cuentos descabellados que emanan de esta guarida de ladrones harían sonrojar a Pinocho”, dijo una fuente no identificada que investiga la desventaja de golf de Donald Trump.
Tanto Kellyanne como Huckabee han sido nominados para el prestigioso Salón de la Fama de los Mentirosos en Truth or Consequences NM. En el pasado reciente, el honor ha sido otorgado a grandes mentirosos como Bill Clinton, Sarah Palin y Richard Nixon. Hasta 2009, la “sociedad” era estrictamente solo para hombres, pero debido a la presión de la administración de Obama, las mujeres ahora son elegibles para la inducción.
“A veces es difícil separar las mentiras descaradas de la estupidez genética”, continuó el inspector de handicap, que compartió la preocupación de que los ayudantes y devotos de Trump son peores que el producto que apoyan.
“Alejar la atención de los criminales no hace nada por los engañados”, agregó. “¿Es el engaño ahora el negocio del día?”
Mientras tanto, Mike Pence anunció que dejaría de participar en sus últimos dos años de elegibilidad de WH e ingresaría en un acuerdo de vivienda asistida con el Museo de cera Madame Tussauds para recibir tratamiento en febrero. “Digamos que no se está uniendo al personal”, dijo un espectador familiarizado con la alteración.
– Boca Pequeña Bess
Gunnison “Pretty Cold” Last Night
(Gunnison) Weather factions hold up somewhere inside in their woolies, confirm that Gunnison was “pretty cold” last night. Although the exact temperature was never confirmed, unreliable sources at Main and Tomichi say levels dropped well below others state wide. Conflicting reports, filed by rogue weather forecasters in fur hats tagged the temperatures as “damn cold”.
The problem monitoring weather in the Gunnison Valley has something to do with the critical measuring apparatus freezing and therefore not giving an accurate testimony to the chill.
“At least the wind doesn’t blow that much,” said one life long resident, “and the summers are heavenly. Plus, when it gets this cold the little temperature machine on the bank freezes so we don’t have that frigid reminder to contend with each morning,” she bbrrrred.
Meanwhile the dangerous Polar Vortex hovers over much of the upper Midwest creating life threatening realities for a lot of people who wish they were in Florida for February.
– Merv Ditchwater
Caption writing contest
Try your hand at writing a caption to go with the above photo. Entries will be judged on originality, conciseness and restraint. The winner will receive a herd of authentic Bighorn sheep and two passes to Maybell’s Traveling Mind Wax Museum. Runners-up may be invited to star in a new reality TV presentation of Government Shutdown, a disastrous soap opera filmed in Washington DC.
DIALING UP THE SNOW GODS
Praying for snow
(Crested Butte) As the old saying goes if you want a god to listen to your petty needs first you have to get his/her attention. Unlike the mule scenario, a club is not recommended. Rather, the snow sports enthusiast and the water user need to tune into certain rituals and observances to facilitate communication and secure the good will and blessings of our betters up there in the sky.
In recent dry years the practice of petitioning the gods has grown into a mega business with network astrologists, television evangelists, and an assortment of voodoo vagabonds leading the way. Don’t be thwarted by these charlatans and moguls of miscalculation. The only way to secure the support of these celestial loafers is to follow the strict guidelines put down in this manifesto.
Hooking Up with the heavens
First of all one doesn’t want to waste a lot of time talking to the wrong god. Some of these beings specialize and care not to detour from their eternal quest. There are gods of war, goddesses of love and fertility, gods of drink, gods of game, gods of dispossession, gods of second-hand clothing…The list is endless. Before you seek the help of any god do your homework. Your credibility is important. (Note: Most gods speak English and respond to faxes, E-mails and other cumbersome baggage of the Information Age.) Keep in mind that all gods, even the Judeo-Christian god are not American citizens. While this is shocking to some, it has been substantiated time and again. To reach the specified god just look up into the sky and say, “Excuse us our interruptions and palpitations but, like, could you make it snow this afternoon?” If the god is sleeping, clipping his toenails or engaged in a board game, it might be better to call back in an hour.
Rituals are all important
It is considered rude to stand while talking to the powers in the sky. The correct posture is down on both knees (see figure #99) with eyes fixed to the sky. Keep favors concise and offer to do whatever it takes to placate the forces of nature. Always thank your chosen benefactor and burn offerings quickly so as not to be busted by atheistic air quality control personnel. It is not necessary to purchase gifts for your god since they pretty much have everything. Leaving a small glass of rum or a tumbler of Wild Irish Rose should do the trick, at least it has for the author. Going kosher is perfectly acceptable but not expected unless one is requesting intercession on matters of the Old Testament or looking for advice on custom tailoring or where to buy crumb cake.
Keep your karma, Parma
If you’re hoping to gain a positive response start by getting your affairs in order. Don’t kick the dog or yell at the neighbors. Be kind to your family and pay your local venders. Remember: This reincarnation racquet could be for real. Don’t run over marmots, respect trees and smile at everyone (even realtors, who might have been rabbits, snakes or your Uncle Jack in former lives). Most of the gods can spot a phony from miles off and are all too happy to lead solicitors on before dropping them on their heads. Incense is not necessary while praying unless the gods have cooked catfish the night before. When sending wee-mail address the god as Dr., Mr. or Ms. as in Dr. Powderzeus, Mr. Karishslush or Ms. Aphrodumpe. Etiquette is all important to the idle rich.
A little chanting goes a long way
The last thing your average god wants is noise. We suggest that you whisper or attempt to get your message across with simple telepathy. If you must talk do so in a monotone. There is no need for inflection or trying to stress a point. These cloud squatters have been around for centuries and have heard it all by now. When you engage a god in conversation state your purpose and desires plainly and distinctly. Don’t ask twice for the same privilege. If you’re looking for a genie in a bottle or a leprechaun’s gold you’re in the wrong story. This is mythology, not legend or hearsay. Most importantly: DO NOT WHINE to the gods. They, like everyone else in your life, cannot justify time spent in complaint.
Be prepared for live sacrifices
Some of the younger gods are still testing their worth and may ask for live sacrifices. Sheep, goats and cattle are generally favored. Chickens (plucked) are considered to be too small while elk (dressed out) are often too large to drag through the heavens. Most gods prefer their sacrifices cooked medium to medium rare. With this approach you are not screwed if your divine diner decides to send the fare back. Sacrificing a sandwich for lunch or a bowl of Wheaties for breakfast might work just so long as the other gods aren’t watching. Use good common sense and you’ll get through this part without lightning strikes or the rendering of plague or pestilence. Most people agree that swarms of locust are no fun. Incompetence here could spell disaster for the rest of us.
Consult our voice-mail index for further excursions
The Horseshoe has been constructing a virtual reality communications system (800-SNO-GODS) aimed at the sky. Although it has not been completed it has been released into cyberspace for your convenience. Please read the instructions before proceeding.
1. If you are not concerned with avalanches PRESS 2 NOW.
2. If you only want it to snow in specific regions PRESS 3 NOW.
3. If you want correspondence in Innuit or High Texan PRESS 4 NOW
4. If you’re looking for snowboard information please connect to our challenged web page at www.linkmissing.com.
5. If you think you’re a god and you’re trying to reach us try our wee-mail.
6. Establish ski in/ski out potential
7. If your particular god wants a bribe, offer rum or cigars. NO GLASS BOTTLES please.
8. If all else fails ask your dog to intercede for you. Most gods prefer housebroken dogs and cats to people for obvious reasons.
That should do you. Grab those knee pads and get to praying. Just be prepared to help clean up the mess.
