All Entries in the "Hard News" Category
Antiguos druidas veneran bayas de muérdago
(Irlanda) Si alguna vez has vagado por los bosques de Irlanda, no puedes evitar tropezar con el muérdago. Crece en todas partes. Sorprendentemente, cuando el resto del verde está en hibernación, la planta del muérdago continúa produciendo bayas durante todo el invierno.
Los médicos-sacerdotes druidas consideraban que las bayas eran caras por sus beneficios medicinales y muy probablemente en la prevención de la concepción. Las bayas contienen altas concentraciones de progesterona (rimas con testosterona) que estimulan la libido.
Parafrasearemos lo que pudo haber ocurrido después, según lo teorizado por el Dr. John Lee, autor de Natural Progesterone – The Multiple Rolls of a Notable Hormone.
Aquí está el escenario: durante muchos siglos, los druidas patrocinaron un festival del solsticio de invierno que, según nuestro calendario, cayó el 22 o el 23 de diciembre. El evento, que duró una semana, tuvo como objetivo evitar que el sol desapareciera por completo del cielo. (Los paganos también estaban tensos con respecto a las cosas, especialmente el dios sol tomando polvo).
La celebración se llevó a cabo para que la primavera volviera algún día y el mundo no muriera. Katy, abre la puerta! Se pagaron las deudas, se intercambiaron regalos y se presentaron fiestas. Además, abundaba una mezcla sagrada de aguamiel caliente atada con bayas de muérdago. ¿Qué? No Guinness?
Una vez que comenzó la fiesta, la influencia del alcohol caliente y la progesterona ayudaron a que todos se relajaran y se conocieran mejor.
La medicina moderna reconoce el hecho de que el desprendimiento de la menstruación es el resultado de una caída abrupta de progesterona, que sin duda ocurrió después de que terminó la semana de la convulsión celta.
Por lo tanto, cualquier concepción que tuvo lugar durante la semana de relaciones sexuales sin restricciones se perdería en el flujo inducido. Además de permitir a los participantes el acceso a la licencia sexual primitiva, la fiesta del solsticio reforzó la percepción de que el sexo festivo sin responsabilidad posterior era simplemente otro regalo de los dioses. Suficientemente simple.
Con el inicio del nuevo año todo volvió a la normalidad. Y pensaste que habías estado en algunas fiestas … Feliz Navidad, Feliz Hanukkah y Feliz Solsticio. Muérdago bayas y aguamiel
Temporada de duendes Se espera que tenga un gran impacto
(Gunnison) Se espera que la temporada de elfos de 2004 lleve a más de 5000 cazadores a la cuenca de Gunnison durante las dos semanas de Navidad. A pesar de los conflictos por las licencias y el acceso a las áreas de caza tradicionales, se espera que la caza tenga un gran impacto económico. Los ingresos recaudados podrían saltar a millones de personas, lo que permitirá a los residentes dinero extra con el que vivirlo o tal vez un escape a climas más cálidos durante el invierno.
Tanto el Tesoro de Colorado como el IRS les recuerdan a los comerciantes que no están obligados a reportar ganancias relacionadas con los elfos ya que no hay pruebas de que realmente existan. ¡Las dos agencias fiscales pasaron a desearles a todos una Feliz Navidad!
OTRA APOLOGIA DEL GROPPO
Nos hemos cansado de extender estas disculpas estacionales a Groppo el Elfo y su batería de abogados, pero en el espíritu de los días festivos llegaremos a lo más profundo y trataremos de desordenar algunas plumas una vez más.
En primer lugar, vamos a aclarar las cosas. La breve pieza que apareció en la edición de noviembre sobre la herencia de Groppo fue, sin duda, de mal gusto. Además, realmente no teníamos fotografías del elfo con ganado local, aunque nos aseguraron que ese era el caso. Las huellas, como parece, desaparecieron la noche antes de que se pusiera fin a este problema y nos vimos obligados a sustituir una historia sobre el difamado esfuerzo de Spar City y algunas imágenes en color de Melvin Toole que colgaban las luces navideñas. de nuestras muchas prisiones locales.
Las referencias repetidas al abuso de alcohol de Groppo se presentaron fuera de contexto para no poner en peligro la reputación de los ciudadanos locales que, en la mayoría de los casos, parecen ser capaces de manejar tres hojas al viento sin incidentes. Las implicaciones de que la estatura física y la capacidad mental de Groppo son el resultado de su dieta de escarabajos bombarderos, twinkies y pasto de pantano digeridos mientras crecía en Kenner, Louisiana, es cierta. Esta acusación se puede verificar hablando con el dietista del elfo.
Además, los intentos de cobrar daños de esta publicación por parte de la familia de Groppo son infundados e ilegales. Nunca dijimos que su familia inmediata era solo drogadicta, que los habitantes actuales de su árbol genealógico eran drogadictos y drogadictos. Tampoco dijimos que eran alcohólicos, ya que la mayoría son borrachos de vestuario y su comportamiento público, aunque sospechoso, no puede ser registrado.
No importa todo eso. Vamos a dar la mano y parte como amigos, Groppo. Después de todo, realmente no eres peor que la mayoría de nosotros, especialmente cuando se ve a través del filtro de color rosa de la Yuletide.
– Editor
Letters to the editor
Letter policy: No unsolicited correspondence will be accepted after business hours. All E-mail and letters undressed to our lower editor will be turned over to the top dog for further examination. Absolutely no material will be returned. No emails will be acknowledged, much less answered in the order that they were received. Writer’s guidelines are not for public consumption. All checks will be cashed upon receipt. All cash will be abruptly seized and used to buy gifts for concubines. Services pending.
Dear Editor:
What recent bill, signed by the President and denounced by over 90% of Americans surveyed, allows for expanded/unlimited corporate ownership of media by rich contributors to the Madison and Monroe campaign, and smells like carp? Why do these groups want to control all the information fed to the public? Does this mean Grand Junction TV news will improve? How can I write so pretty and still keep slaves? Why was there no mention of these goings-on until after the bill was signed into law? You have until November of 2020 to answer.
Thomas Jefferson
From The Great Beyond
To the Editor:
Your recent critique of the Ouray Sewage Treatment Plant was unfair and brutal. Why just the other day the city approved its own drinking fountain water. If you would do your homework you would find that the aroma common to a small radius of the septic/sewage infrastructure is organic. Isn’t organic what all you new age liberals want? Your suggestion that the city burn incense in the area or give away clothes pins (for noses) is insensitive. You’re probably afraid of cow turds too. Melvin Toole
City of Ouray
Dear General Horseshoe:
We don’t understand why the air-conditioned Super Wal-Mart, recently erected in Kabul offends the Muslim element there. Where is their sense of global consumerism? Hardly anything in here is made in the USA. Don’t they want to buy worthless things cheaper? Is it because we have already put all the tribal ma and pa kiosks and markets out of business? Don’t they appreciate sweat shop designer clothing? C’mon, it’s policy to frisk all suspected Arabs at the front door and then sell prayer rugs at 50% off! Was it that Taliban rummage sale that set them off?
We plan a brand new store in Baghdad and one for Tehran next year. K-Mart can have North Korea–They don’t have any money anyway. We know the Afghanis love the chicken, the burgers, the chemical pizza and the tacos. Why are they so displeased with us?
Saddam Walton
Lawhore Pakistan
To the editor:
In a recent issue you listed a roster of effective aphrodisiacs easily found in the Rockies. Some, like the aspen leaves and the freckle tree bark seem easy enough to acquire while the bear tongue and sugar beet blossoms could involve some further research. My question is this: Can I buy these things on-line? I realize you suggest a hike through the forest but I’m reluctant to go out of the house due to possible immigrant attacks. PS: How will I know if any of your sensual remedies take?
Margot Rotweiller
Arvada, CO
Dear Editor:
For decades my daddy and his company polluted the planet, exploited the poor, experimented on animals, sub-divided farmland, and then, the day before his retirement, absconded with his employee’s pension funds and ran off with the pool man. According to his last email he is now pimping time shares in Guatemala City.
Now, thanks to a healthy trust fund I’m living here in beautiful Telluride but I’m not happy. I want to be a political activist like all the celebrities around me. I’d do anything to make up for the sins of my father.
Maybe I could send some grain to Africa, reintroduce timber wolves to San Miguel County, bankroll a couple of scholarships for the underprivileged, rescue some kitties from the pound, bail out a bankrupted airline or ship medical supplies to Iraq. Can you recommend a trustworthy broker/money manager?
I have this morning free to make amends but later in the afternoon I have to take my Range Rover to Montrose for a tune-up. Tomorrow it’s a pedicure and tennis lessons. Thursday my dog is scheduled for grooming and Friday the caterers are coming. Then, over the weekend I have a hot date with a member of a fashionable minority group. On Sunday I fly to Grand Junction to go shopping. Monday is my polo night. Maybe we could just meet for lunch next October.
Quite Sincerely
Radical Sister
Mountain Village
Dear General Horseshoe:
The 30,000 Ted Cruz masks that you had us send to El Salvador have been stolen. The police say they were scaring the fish but we were making great strides with them. Do you know how much a bag of tacos costs down here? Hal Burton
Resurrection Oil
Laramie, WY
Dear Editor:
Congratulations on your recent editorial decision to combine your editorial and obituary pages. The entire department is now more concise, organized and meaningful. Hell, with any luck you might save a cyber space tree or two in the process. Greetings too from my Uncle Earl who still thinks your writing sucks.
Rupport Murdoch
Perth
ROCKY CHOWDER
SERVICES OFFERED Will put down your old tractors. Quickly, effectively, painlessly. Big Foot Farms, River Road, Olathe. Know someone growing illegal mistletoe? The DEA is paying top dollar for information leading to the indictment of these criminals in your own backyard. Once we fill the prisons with these people we can achieve full employment and true utopia through government control. Huzzah!
Maternity ensemble once worn by Madonna’s mother. General Delivery, Hollywood.
Wanted to buy: I LOVE GUNS. I really love guns. I like the way they feel in my hand and the noise they make when fired. I love guns about as much as I love storm trooper boots and starched collars. Let me buy your guns – Quentin Dink, Wimpton Police Cadet Lounge.
Drug Lord Appliances from $50! These nearly new washers, dryers, microwaves and more. Were confiscated from suspected drug lords in Florida and Texas. Some rust and avocado. Also seized refrigerators, freezers, swarthy futons, anarchistic toasters, revolutionary ranges and rough air conditioners. January Special: Poblado Dishwasher: $45. See at Zero Tolerance Appliances. We’re winning the War on Drugs. You’ll see.
Turn your food processor into a word processor by the application of simple pickle down economics. Dial 34.
Nearly new forehead weights perfect for the mental giant or the thinking athlete who seeks to improve his/her mind. Margot Rotweiller at the Horseshoe.
Brainless parrots needed to throw gasoline on the bonfire of crime in urban America. Send picture of hair, recent tape and description of on-the-air experience to Star Search, KBLO-TV, Denver, Colorado 80207.
ARE YOU employed in the Department of Agriculture? Rehabilitation is available. With your cooperation and our expertise we can have you flipping burgers by spring – Your Federal Government.
Trouble getting through doors? Sign up today for our innovative program “Aerobics at Night”. This patented workout is conducted after dark with the lights out so as to avoid the embarrassment often associated with those first few days of physical activity. The only thing on is the music and the tiny reflective monitor on your instructor’s naval. Be a new you in 2019.
Are you easily persuaded by pseudo-religious ranting and raving? Do you like to be told how to live? Is the rumor of the hereafter more important than your current treatment of your fellow man on earth? Do you fear anyone with new ideas? We can use a few, good moralizing Americans to help us gain control of this country and turn it into the oligarchy that our forefathers intended it to be. Send for more information today. Coloradans for Family Values, Taliban-Cromwell Complex, Colorado Springs, CO.
Will pay top dollar for dirty postcards, dirty dishes, dirty fingernails, and some dirty thoughts. Vulture Dentures, Wimpton Mall.
MEL’S MEATS is looking for a responsible cleaning person for busy slaughterhouse operation. No Communists. The job is quite easy since Mel’s Meats has no windows or stairs. We are part of the heralded Fun Employment Sham Concept and pay minimum wage with no benefits. We have no maternity leave or daycare either. Vegetarian preferred. Come around to the back door before noon weekdays.Ask for Ms. Whitewash.
Hijackers needed for weekend projects in the Caribbean. Mechanical aptitude helpful. Must speak recognizable Spanish and English. Rubric Cuban, Santiago de Cuba.
What’s all this about ending the reign of the Bureau of Reclamation? Then what? Has everything really been reclaimed already? For more write Department of Suburban Asphalt and Smog, I-25, Denver, CO.
Saxophone engineer. Part time. Good pay. Could lead to full time position in Presidential Cabinet or White House Symphony. See Conductor on Pennsylvania Avenue before it’s too late.
Needed: Have Aberdeen semen, frozen direct from Scotland. Seeking heifers of fine standing. Thawing rapidly. Spring’s on the way. Meltdown eminent. Contact Gus at the Fern Chuckwagon.
The Haywire Ranch Irrigation College is now accepting students for the winter semester. Prerequisite includes sturdy shovel and some knowledge of childish civil engineering. Send transcripts c/o Dr. G. R. Lovingood, Director, School of Body Chemistry.
Lost: Small white male. Finders Keepers…Louella Parsimmons, Olathe. Will trade Harley parts for large, useable crutches. Matawan of Whitewater.
FOR SALE: Rare fountain pens used by George and Boris to sign nuclear arms pact in Moscow back a ways. On display at Team Ink. Serious inquiries only.
Hard charging corporate type wheeler-dealer who can turn his/her head needed to change tires at busy adverting agency. Good prospects for the person who can remember who drinks what in their coffee and who likes mustard, mayo, rye, white…Get it? So can you! We are a politically correct agency because it’s trendy and we all wear suspenders, even on weekends. Mortsern, Hamill and Glick, Rat Mill Pike.
Final Warning: Anyone caught with a Christmas tree still up after February 1 will be punished – E. Scrooge, Dogbreath Village.
Does your conscience often bother you? Do you lay awake at night unable to sleep? Surgery is now available. Qualm Surgical Group, Indian Massacre Highway and Wimpton Clinic.
Announcing: The First Annual DesPlants Family Reunion at the Delta County Jail on February 24-27. Bring proof of heritage, parole or release papers and covered fish. Accommodations will be provided. For more call Enselmo DesPlants at the jail.
Great Pyrenees-Chihuahua mix. Could turn out to be great smeller or speller. Ready to go on New Year’s Eve about 3:15 pm. Wanda’s Dogs and Things, Almont. Work right at home.
Night auditor needed to keep track of waste for federal government. Great pay and benefits. Proof of citizenship and familiarity with pocket calculator important. Must be able to translate from government abbreviations to English. Send brief resume to Sarah Huckabee Sanders, Director of Diversion and Snow Plows, Washington DC.
Need: Happy people to operate solar car wash for wealthy man. Minimum wage plus keep 100% of tips. Contact Western Colorado Coalition for the Preservation of Minimum Wage, Montrose, CO.
Keep your cowpoke on the right range with Mel’s Cowboy Chastity Belts. Buy one before Valentine’s Day and we will give you a monogrammed snuff can lid for your wrangler’s ensemble. Darkroom Acres.
Will pay top dollar for original Iraqi jokes. Slim at the Fern Chuckwagon Dance Hall in Mancos. Bad Cowboy Poets always in demand at the Fern Chuckwagon. Call Slim.
HEREFORD-POODLE MIX PUPS. Should be excellent cow dogs. Slim at the Fern Chuckwagon in Tail Town.
Diluted and edited naughty perfume ads. Set of 40 videos for $100. Box 99999, Horseshoe.
NEW PROOF: Ronald Reagan almost voted for Bill Clinton back in 1992. Those voting booths get more confusing every year, don’t they! We’ll fix it in 2020. Ya sure.
Let Eddie Murphy teach your kids how to attain fame and riches through vulgarity. Send foul-mouthed tape to Alternate Education Systems, 1200 Brown Cloud Way, Commerce City, CO.
It’s time to enact the death penalty for environmental terrorists. Let’s start with the bosses over at Rocky Flats. They dumped toxic waste into the water and plutonium into the soil. If we’re serious about preserving what’s left of this planet let’s set a precedent for the future. Write your Congressman today and demand satisfaction. They (the Congress) will do anything to stay on the gravy train until the next election. For more information send SASE to Ecological Mercenaries of America, Toronto, Ontario.
POWER FORWARD desperately needed for NBA franchise in Rocky Mountain region. Travel a must. Swing shift. Send resume to Denver Nuggets.
Will purchase Ramblin’ Jack Elliot instrumentals for market price. Call Ramblin’ Jack Elliot at Talagi’s in Boulder.
Thinking about getting a flattop? We specialize in cranial excavation, refinishing, frontal irrigation, weekend lobotomies and related services. Let us prepare your head for the barber/stylist. Industrial Coiffures. We’re Blonded.
Phony Resumes. Dial 56 and hold it. KARAOKE SALON now open in Montrose. You move your mouth we move the scissors. Perms available on cassette and compact disc. Appointments available right now!
Looking for experienced bass player for Washington DC jazz combo. Gifted economist or liberal philanthropist preferred. Call Mike at White House Investments.
Alliterate poets needed for new magazine concentrating on the letter “r”. Send manuscripts to Robert de Frost c/o Gothic Aquatic Center before February 15.
RED: Forget all the philosophizing about whether the glass is half empty or half full. You’re glass seems to be empty far too often. You are a lush. Happy Birthday – ANDREA.
Will spike Christmas trees for small fee – I. M. Hipp Hugger, Water Diversion Project Ave., Wimpton.
Frackin’ Freddie’s will purchase sturdy lawn and leaf bags. Call Ms. Toxic at our Jefferson County Purchasing Office today!
Get your very own Akpatok Mink Coat before the species is totally extinct! That’s correct! A beautiful Akpatok Mink from the shores of Ungava Bay. $6500 plus postage. Also baby seal serapes, gorilla hand ash trays, ivory cigarette holders and more. Scum Importers, Cape Chidley, Newfoundland. “Where Western European traditions are alive”.
