All Entries in the "Fractured Opinion" Category
WILD WESTERN QUIZ
1. How many Western Slopers does it take to dehorn a heifer? a.) One to hold the cow and three to turn the horns. b.) Three. Two to hold the heifer and four to do the math c.) None. A heifer sheds her horns every Fourth of July.
2. Why are Colorado towns so far apart? a.) To keep the sheep out of the corn. b.) To prevent impulse fist fights between entire communities on Friday nights. c.) Compared to what?
3. What do you suppose the Colorado Rockies will do with the millions they made this year? a.) Rebuild Greeley. b.) Buy washed up pitchers. c.) Fill chuckholes on Blake Street.
4.) Why does Colorado lie between the 40th Parallel and 36th Parallel? a.) It’s a hell of a lot better than standing at attention between the 12th Parallel and the 89th Parallel. b.) Because that’s where the ski areas are located c.) So as to prevent an invasion of the Wyoming Bladney fields by New Mexican militias.
5.) If a sign in Ridgway reads: “Montrose – 26 miles” and a sign in Montrose says “Ridgway – 28 miles” where are the missing two miles? a.) At the bottom of Ridgway Reservoir wearing a pair of cement overshoes. b.) Blame it on the Bossa Nova. c.) Due to the oblique, semi-contiguous angle of the Colona Bulge it actually is two miles longer going south.
6.) Why didn’t the Ute Indians have house plants before the white man? a.) They were notorious over-waterers. b.) Macrame hadn’t been invented yet. c.) There are no windows in tipis
7.) How many assault rifles are there on the Western Slope? a.) Counting Sylvestor Stallone movies? b.) None. Don’t you know they’re illegal? c.) What’s it to you! Are you with the ATF?
8.) Why does the San Juan Horseshoe insist on publishing all year long when it is common knowledge that people don’t start as many fires in the winter? a.) They are great fish wrappers. b.) They are great in the litter box. c.) They kill flies and mosquitos on contact.
9.) Who besides you has bothered to read this far along? a.) People who live in glass outhouses. b.) The police. c.) The advertisers. d.) None of the above.
10.) What was the last South Townsend Avenue boot shop to be operated by a Ute Indian? a.) Chief Jack’s Boots and Waders. b.) The Spot. c.) Mighty Moe’s Montrose Moccasin Mecca.
11.) What does the term “dogie” mean to you personally? a.) What? More heifer jokes? b.) A person who can’t handle a butter knife without bloodshed. c.) You mean that one “in the window”.
12.) What is a telemark? a.) A fashionable mole popular in the Roaring Twenties. b.) Someone who’s sucked in by a phone solicitation. c.) A three-winged nut used in the construction of deer fence.
13.) Complete the following: “If you ain’t a cowboy you ain’t ____.” a.) A cowboy b.) A-gonna need the hat. c.) Rooster Cogburn
14.) Who was Dutch Charlie? a.) The bastard of Flemish Charley’s third wife, Victoria. b.) Inventor of the cast iron biscuit. c.) A sultry cross-dressing flag girl on the Ridgway Reservoir project.
15.) Why are there so many real estate offices in Colorado? a.) Because everybody can’t cook. b.) Because everybody can’t bartend. c.) Send for a free brochure.
16.) How did all the hot springs get hot? a.) Geothermal intercourse. b.) What’s the damn difference? c.) Only your hairdresser knows for sure.
-Srs. Bauxite and Balderstern
ANSWERS ON PAGE 27 @BOOK-10BC = ANSWERS TO QUIZ @BOOK-08C = 1.-b, 2-b, 3-c, 4-a, 5-a, 6-c, 7-c, 8-a, 9-b, 10-b, 11-c, 12-b, 13-b, 14-c, 15-b, 16-c. Give yourself 5 points for each correct answer and 4 points for every incorrect answer. Add your number of points and divide by the number of tvs in your home.
Snoring in Church Annoying At Best
To: The faithful
From: Rev. Phil Pharisee
Subject: Disruptions in the process of salvation
As much as I hate to bring it up I am acutely concerned with the lack of discipline within the ranks of my fruitful congregation. One Mr. Martin Ballywagge, a newly immersed member of our flock in Ouray, has, through no fault of his own, upset the ox cart, tipped the scales of righteousness and even rocked the boat during a moving chorus in Rock of Ages.
Let me give you a little background on Martin.
It was not, so far as I can determine, with the arrival of adulthood that Martin Ballywagge, an black Irishman in good standing, developed his chronic nasal maladies. He’s had them all of his life as his doctor Hugh Piller has assured us. By the time he was 8 he had snored through his first three years of academic life, constantly disrupting classes at Harry S. Truman Elementary back in Moline. The teachers complained to the principal who then complained to the parents who turned to Dr. Piller who prescribed drugs. Unfortunately the drugs only put little Martin back to sleep, a condition which encouraged more snuffling and snorting.
During one Sunday evening service (we didn’t get enough that morning) Martin snored his way through 3 hymns, 16 baptisms, 25 confirmations of faith and my well placed sermon as to the dangers of propane fumes.
“Maybe he’s allergic to something inside the church,” said Mary Ouana, who hasn’t had a drink in three months and looks great, although she still doesn’t have a date for our Harvest mixer.
The next day we scrubbed and polished the pews, vacuumed the drapery and went over the carpet with a fine tooth comb. We collected $3.87 in change and found a gold wedding band, lost by the late Abner Silvers back in 1999. The deceased (hit by a Rainbow Tours bus on his way the gym on his 97th birthday) had no heirs and the orphaned ring made its way to the collection plate.
Last Sunday the crisis deepened. I had just completed a soul-searching epistle on religious tolerance and magazine subscriptions when one of those needy missionaries knocked on the back door. Since the congregation had already fallen asleep I answered. It was Parson Edith Quelle who complained of snoring coming from the back of her tabernacle. She identified the noisy culprit as our Mr. Ballywagge. Was he attending services at her church too? Was he stepping out on us?
Then Wednesday night, just as I finally got the gathering off to sleep, Ballywagge stumbles into the front pew. He crosses his legs, tilts his head, adjusts his coat and wanders into dreamland. This time his snores were like an earthquake. The entire steeple shook. It sounded like a rogue freight train that had all at once gotten a spoonful of that old time religion.
In no time he had woke up Sarah Camarone, who was imprisoned for embezzlement in 2001, and disturbed the aging Clyde Shrapnell, a former member of the Ku Klux Klan. Then to make matters worse his nasal explosions chased the sand from the beady eyes of Doris Maltfeather, a retired exotic dancer and left Roberto Guerrero, a former member of FARC, sponsored by the church, frighteningly wide awake for the duration of the service.
I have written to my bishop and even recommended Martin to a hypnotist. One pagan lost soul, whom I met at a ecumenical barbecue last summer, may have provided a temporary solution. Active in an unidentified Eastern religion, where chanting, banging and an accomplished brass section are an integral part of the services, the monk has offered to take Ballywagge off my hands in return for Saturday parking privileges in our lot. Until that day I hope that you, the faithful, will persist in angelic patience and use the earplugs which I have placed in your stations of worship. Now go back to sleep, and God bless.
THE MISSING LINKSTERS
“If I had my way any man guilty of golf would be ineligible for any office of trust in the United States.” – H.L. Mencken
We all get into trouble when we take ourselves too seriously. Nowhere is this reality more apparent than on the golf course. If we can’t even lighten up on the links then what chance to do we have in the workaday jungle? It’s sad. The game of golf has all the elements: A healthy flirtation with fate, a personal challenge, a sensual brush with nature, and a good belly laugh. Why then is there frustration?
In 1771 Tobias Smallett observed in The Expedition of Humphrey Clinker that the game was becoming serious. “An Edinburgh foursome, all gentlemen of independent fortunes, had amused themselves at the pastime for the best part of a century, thus achieving a considerable amount of dexterity.” Tobias saw the golf as a precocious, yet peaceful pursuit.
Often a golfer cannot achieve peace on a fast talking green or in a bushwhacking fairway bunker because he’s dragged all of his daily problems into the sand with him. In short, he has chosen to play golf only on the surface level. He has chosen to go through the motions while his mind is elsewhere. He has chosen to follow another blueprint awarding himself with yet another report card for his efforts. Metaphorically he has chosen the wrong club. That’s where cheating helps.
All golfers cheat. The ones who tell you they don’t are liars, cheats and probably perverts too.
While fudging on a score, kicking the ball from the rough onto the fairway, taking countless mulligans and rearranging the landscape are common behaviorisms they are only manifestations of the inside game.
Cheating at golf is a game within a game, a subculture composed of honed athletic skills, an executioner’s concentration and a bounce in the right direction when nobody is looking. It is peppered with a brisk glimpse that nothing is sacred and that no micro human endeavor should ever be taken seriously.
It’s all fair and square because everyone has an equal opportunity to be dishonest, even the caddies. Handicaps be damned…The novice swindler should take precautions to employ a caddie who is also dishonest. That way there’s no conflict of interest. In addition one should dress to blend. Flashy clothes draw the kind of attention which no self-respecting, flimflam golfer desires on the golf course.
The deceptive linkster doesn’t cotton to laughing at other golfer’s outfits either. He practices the art of distraction at the appropriate times. For example he might be inclined to rigging his own pants to fall down at while competitors are putting. Eating crunch snacks on the green can also achieve this same objective . Remember: Always practice your methods of cheating. There’s no reason to go straight just because you’re on the putting green or the driving range prior to play.
One particularly successful golf cheat I know in Montrose is constantly giving advice and tips to his competition. This drives them nuts.
“Keep your head down and don’t move your head,” he says. “Keep your arms straight and your club face closed. Bend your knees!”
The result of this mental torture is the slow demise of his adversary. Soon these pathetic pawns are thinking way too much and the ball peters off the tee or hooks its way into downtown Olathe.
My favorite method is to offer assistance just as another golfer is about to drive.
“You just keep your head down, pal, I’ll stand back here and watch your ball for you,” I say.
After the drive I attempt to send my fellow golfer to a spot as far away from his ball as possible.
It’s really funny watching the fellow searching in the rough for a ball that lies right in the middle of the fairway. Ha! Finding one’s own ball may not be the most beneficial move either. Always frown while looking and keep a backup ball at bay. Storing a second ball in one’s cheek, in tight boxers or behind the ear works well.
One particularly clever cheat over at Dos Rios, in Gunnison, has fashioned a kind of Steve McQueen/Great Escape pair of pants that allows for timely golf ball drops anywhere. The prisoners in the film used similar apparatus to get rid of dirt from their ill fated tunnel. Try it on the golf course whenever the Gestapo ain’t lookin’.
The practice of lingering over one’s own ball for what seems like an eternity can also upset other players causing them to lose all sense of timing. Often they become distracted by other stimuli and then they are at the mercy of the cheater. This approach is very important if one is caught in a sand trap. After the other golfers have grown bored and stopped watching you take practice swings, simply stomp your ball down into the trap, kick up some sand and toss a new ball up onto the green. Simple enough huh? If another trick is necessary, exercise the wild-eyed option of cleaning your ball for about five or ten minutes at a whack whenever you are within 30 yards of a ball washing machine.
Other effective diversions include impersonating the sounds of the club hitting the ball. (The proper sound is Twaaack, not Clunk, Whoop or Plop). Losing one’s temper can work and often covers the real agenda. Sneezing, burping, chattering and the gnashing of teeth are also powerful tools.
Just remember: The golf club is designed to hit the ball and the golf course is designed for crooks.
Keep in mind that the ultimate reward is a favorable score. Many of us prefer to keep score after the 18 holes have already been completed.
“I think I had a four on number five or was it a five on number four,” is a common conversational technique. Feel free to use our international conversion table found at the rear of this website. Check out the section listed under Club Distribution of Body Weight and/or Driving While Impaired. It’s sure to shave a point or two.
If none of this works maybe one should consider that he/she simply sucks when it comes to golf. We suggest that a person faced with this stark realization turn to poker or billiards, two fine exercises for chronic cheats.
Kevin Haley, a duffer of some impressive stature cheats every round, prefers to putt after dark and refuses to check the oil on his golf cart. He thinks a consistent score of 18 or lower adds validity to an afternoon.
ALMOST, COULD HAVE AND MIGHT HAVE BEEN NEWS
The following stories have been included in this issue even though they fell inches short of qualifying as legitimate occurrences. Although the concept seems silly our editorial elders felt that the scant facts here deserved to be reported.
Escaped Prisoners Could Be Heroes to Some
(Pueblo) Convicts who successfully escape from prison could represent heroes to a twisted segment of the population. That’s what the Department of Corrections contends after apprehending three such inmates Friday. The jailbirds, who eluded authorities for three days while hiding in the Shivaree Swamps east of here were greeted with cries of “Huzzah!” as they boarded paddy wagons to take them back to their cells. Authorities here fear that the overtaxed, shell-shocked populace is having trouble distinguishing between the cops and the robbers. “They think these thugs are Robin Hoods,” said one officer who is under investigation for extortion in a non-related case.
Mushrooms Might Have Saved Life
(Ames) Eating mushrooms might have saved the life of a Placerville woman lost in the Edith Bunker National Forest for over a week in early November. Had it not been for the peanut butter sandwiches and carrot s she had brought along she might have fought off hunger with the fleshy fungi. Carefully picking edible mushrooms the unidentified lass accentuated her otherwise drab cuisine until rescuers found her on the third floor of a Chinese elm late last night.
Toole Almost Wins Senate Seat
(Washington) Journeyman scribe Melvin Toole came close to winning a senate seat yesterday although he campaigned only from his bear claw bathtub in suburban Virginia. In fact, as the details of political jousting become clear, Toole was never a serious or even legal candidate, having been born naked in Canada in 1937. Experts are convinced that Toole’s excellent showing has a lot to do with voter apathy and a sense of distance with the powers that continue to govern. The seat was a crushed velour with gargoyle trim featuring oak trim and a curious mephitis common to the notorious public restrooms of the Menshevik Period. Toole had no comment having fallen asleep during the returns.
Hopped Up Teens Just About Wreck Colona
(Montrose) Beer guzzling teens from up the street came close to sacking the tiny fishing village of Colona Wednesday. The fracas seems to have been the result of infighting over a smelling bee held in Cahone last March. The scoundrel element smashed windows, spit on the street and dodged semis. The local fire department might have been unable to keep them from the more fashionable neighborhoods of East Colona and Grog Hill Mesa.
Hurricane May Have Leveled Bingo Hall
(Grand Junction) Hurricane Rick may have been responsible for the total loss of Oil of Olathe Bingo Complex on 35298844 Road here. According to authorities the 400 mile-per-hour winds of Rick could have “hurled a two-ton whore from a well secured tuna boat” Thursday. Of course, as we all know, Hurricane Rick, and most of the killer bee population, never made it this far north. The county coroner has sighted natural causes in the disaster, either that or suicide, depending on a out-of-body skin graph experiment scheduled for the weekend.
Compiled by Suzie Compost
NBA to adopt power play
(Denver) In an attempt to beef up sagging attendance figures throughout the league the National Basketball Association has decided to adopt a slew of National Hockey League policies that regulate that sport. Included in next season’s amendments to the rule book include the use of a penalty box, an expanded power play, and Intentional Icing.
Since the NHL has locked itself in an partisan struggle over fiscal compensation and salary caps the NBA appeared to be the only game in town for a good portion of the winter.
Soon, for the first time in the league’s history, fans will witness the employment of a penalty box for players called for personal fouls and unsportsmanlike behavior. The detainment boxes will be located under each basket, in full view of the crowd, where infractions will be punished for varying lengths of time according to the seriousness of the offense. Players deemed guilty such no-nos as high-sticking and tripping will do time here while traditional hoop violations such as charging and traveling will go unpunished.
“First and foremost we don’t want to give up expensive seating space along the floor for penalty boxes,” said one NBA official. “These seats constitute a premium experience and we don’t want to rock the boat here in return for punitive considerations. Whether or not players who foul out will have to spend the rest of the game in these boxes has not been determined.”
The official went on to say that the use of fan-induced dunking machines will not be utilized due to considerations regarding crowd control.
“We don’t want the whole thing to turn into some sort of circus,” said the official. “Besides, we need to protect our millionaire athletes from angry fans swept up in the moment.”
The dangerous power play, determined by the number of players on the ice, will take on even greater consequences as four-on-five or even a three-on-five situations evolve on the court. Fears that the move will result in half-court affairs which could slow transitional play were shoved aside in light of potentially high scoring contests.
“We could very well see the return to legal zone defenses and whistles for such petty violations as charging and traveling,” said the source. “The potential for one-sided scoring opportunities might make a player think twice before shoving competitors or throwing an elbow.”
Intentional icing, where a player throws the ball across the half-court for obvious defensive purposes, will result in further restrictions on play. In the early parts of the match it will be dealt with as only a loss of possession while in over-time it will constitute a jump ball (face-off) at the foul-line of the opposing team. This breach of the game’s new precepts could have dire consequences as any ardent fan would soon realize.
Fundamental elements of both games will be included in the rule book as the season progresses, however conflicts resulting from hazy prosecution of goal tending and crease infractions will be up to the discretion of the official on the floor. In addition the custom of wearing helmets and pads will be scrutinized by the league based on the level of violence and the general flow of play.
“Protective equipment could easily become cumbersome during a fast break,” said the official, “but we have to protect our players from serious injury. The floor is hard but so was the ice and at least we’re not stupid enough to cover the playing surface with astroturf.”
GARDENING MAGAZINES CAN LEAD TO DEPRESSION IN HIGH COUNTRY
High Altitude Blues
(Silverton) Reading gardening magazines this time of the year can lead to serious depression according to a local psychologist. People who habitually peruse these glossy periodicals run the risk of embracing serious doldrums after looking at pictures of colorful flowers and green grass, then glancing outside at snow.
“The safest way to handle this potential problem is to wait until about May or even June to examine these magazines,” said Dr. Efram Bigbonne, a local circuit shrink whose practice spans an area from Lizard Head Pass to Maher. “Every year, despite our frank warnings, we treat more and more people for this malady.”
Bigbonne says that the condition often surfaces as early as January, after the first whisp of warm weather descends on the area.
“These spectacular days are nothing but teasers, as most of us know,” he said, “but somehow our subconscious convinces us that winter is over and summer is on the way. This is dangerous ground on which to proceed, even if it’s beginning to thaw out.”
The doctor suggests that gardening enthusiasts pull the drapes and stay inside if they feel compelled to expose themselves to these drastic contrasts. He adds that the practice of sending more chronic cases to the Amazon for a month has worked in the past but that newer, more potent and drug-resistant cases of the blues have began surfacing a few years ago.
“Geographical therapy is less and less effective. This depressed state is not good for other people who have to deal with these victims on a day to day basis either. It affects entire communities. If the truth be known, I prefer that my clients stick to snowmobile and skiing magazines until at least the Fourth of July .”
– Princess Irm Peawitt
