All Entries in the "Fractured Opinion" Category

Toole Wins Colombian Lottery

(Salento, Colombia) Transparent journalist Melvin Toole, who has been held captive in Colombian jungles since 2003, has reportedly won over 3,800,000,000 pesos (COP) in the Colombian Lottery. Toole has been working as a non-commissioned camp cook somewhere near the town of Mitu, having been abducted by an unidentified  revolutionary group after crashing his 1939 Henway Multi-Prop during a volcanic eruption on October 3.

Toole, third from left, with FARC in Putumayo near the Ecuadoran frontier in 2006.

Despite valiant attempts to convince the guerrillas that he was Che Guevara’s first cousin or, in one desperate case, to pass himself off as the reincarnation of Joseph Stalin, Toole was pressed into culinary service, chained to the cookstove.

Now it appears the Revolutionary Armed Forces of Colombia will release its prisoner who has agreed to split the cash 50-50.

“Señor Toole has contributed a great deal of cash to our effort,” said a spokesman for FARC. “It’s too bad we are leaning hard across the peace table. That’s a lot of loot. Let’s hope we don’t have to return the money.”

FARC, which began as a guerrilla force intent on peasant land reform and redistribution of wealth, has in recent years become no more than a narco-terrorist group, wreaking havoc with the population and destroying the mountain and jungle environment with extensive cocaine processing plants. Millions of displaced campesinos now live in city slums due to violence perpetrated by FARC and Colombian right-wing militias, who have now surrendered their arsenals as part of the peace process.

The War on Drugs, sponsored by the United States has done little to eradicate coca since it is a high yield cash crop which is often the difference between a peasant family keeping its land or losing it to taxes or seizure by the militias employed by large land owners.

Toole will be released quickly since he must claim the prize in person in Bogota sans captors who are not invited to the ceremony. The winnings amount to about $2.3 million dollars. Attempts over the years to raise ransom money failed repeatedly although several friends have now come forward “offering Toole religious counseling, organic coffee or a ride into town”.

Known in Colorado as a combination Carlos Gardel-Mickey Mantle, the lean, sunburned journalist told reporters via the phone that he was damn lucky to win the money and that he had grown tired of gourmet cooking for beans and rice militants in the Amazon. He is scheduled to be airlifted out of Puerto Inrida on Friday.

One FARC soldier remembers the meals fondly.

“We will miss him,” said Sadie Martinez, a 18-year-old FARC recruit who befriended Toole over the years. “His fried three-toed sloth in corn glaze and mashed potatoes were, if you’ll pardon the expression, to die for, while his Guapi heart of palm goat pie was unbelievable, especially when one considers kitchen capacity and availability of exotic spices.

After paying off his hosts Toole plans to return to Colona and resume his duties as dog catcher by mid-May.

In another odd twist Syrian President Basher al-Assad has come forward to claim the Colorado Lottery which has risen to 1.4 million dollars. By virtue of economic sanctions imposed on Assad and his family he will not be able to collect at this time. Instead the money will be used for relief efforts in the war-torn country.

The FBI is currently investigating an alleged paper trail so as to determine who purchased the lottery ticket for Assad.

-Kashmir Horseshoe

Heeny Tick Festival Recipient of Grant

(Breckenridge) The fiscally troubled Heeny Tick Festival, held in late summer “when the monsoon grass is just right”, has received a $100 grant from Eddie’s “Clean Mouth” Bait Shop and Grill in nearby Kremmling. The funds, which were deposited immediately in the official festival account, will be dispersed throughout the summer prior to the actual competition, flame-throwing events and semi-formal dinner dance.

Having lost an estimated $86 since 1990, the executive directors had decided to scrap the affair in favor of a day trip to the outlet stores over in Silverthorne . However, due to the infusion of hard cash, it looks like the popular extravaganza will once again grace the shores of Green Mountain Reservoir.

Ticks were introduced to the area in 1888 in an attempt to keep drunks from knocking over sluice boxes on the Blue River, which was considered sacred by gold seekers of the time. Since mining days the insects have propagated leaving a sort of bug tailing problem that has yet to be undressed by the Environmental Protection Agency down on the prairie below.

Over 20,000 ticks are expected to join in the three-day festivities which also include black flies, earwigs and cameos by the region’s mosquito cartels.

Persons seeking more information on participation, franchise options, investments and lodging should contact the Heeny Boosters.

CHENEY ACTIVE IN WYOMING CULT

(Cody, WY) Former Vice-President Dick Cheney has been linked to a right-wing Wyoming cult that calls for the calculated plunder of the American West. The primarily Caucasoid group, known as the GOP, or Republican Party, intends to log, drill and mine what is left of the wilderness with little or no consideration for conservation, future generations and quality of life.

“It’s all about the rich making money in this country,” said rancher Eliot Rosewater. “It’s always been that way. All the glorious wars, the justice for all and the freedom rhetoric are just patriotic trimming.”

Although not technically a secret organization, the Wyoming GOP has for decades been less than public in its dealings. Supported by special interests, the cult has been alarmingly successful getting its members elected to legislative positions within the commonwealth. Ritualistic practices often associated with this cult include back-slapping, glad-handing, making large bank deposits, good-old-boyism and handy, pseudo-religious affiliations Occasionally an adversary, or coyote as they are sometimes called, has to be shot when he gets “too close to the sheep”, but that, as was noted, is quite rare.

Known for extreme veneration of accumulated wealth, members exhibit a me first ideology as well as an arrogance toward other cultures, even within their own country. According to the official gov’ment position citizens are in no danger from the Cheney sect just so long as they do not disagree with its basic principlesor bring up subjects such as war crimes tribunals and off-shore bank accounts.

Other cults, calling themselves everything from Democrat to Tea Party, attempt to paint a distinct picture of themselves so as to distance their agenda from that of the GOP are basically identical, and answer to the same puppet masters wrapped in the American flag.

Kryptonite discovered in San Juan mountains

A major deposit of the rare mineral Kryptonite has been found adjacent to the present site of the Camp Bird Mine near Ouray according to assayers there. Already thousands of would-be prospectors have crowded roads in and out of the town. Kryptonite, previously thought only to exist on the pulverized planet, Krypton, is worth an estimated $2830 per ounce on the open market. It is used chiefly as a computer sensitive component in plastic credit cards and in the production of mountain bicycles and other recreational equipment.

Residents have been warned to stay in their homes until this, the latest of a multitude of booms, subsides. The last boom in Ouray stretched from 1888-1902. Continued  exposure to the mineral can allegedly cause serious side effects in judicious wise acres and other persons of constant opinion. Symptoms include loss of teeth and hair, a seriously warped sense of altitude and the tragic, slow deterioration of the ego.

Miners up Dexter Creek, where a smaller vein of Kryptonite was first tapped in March, have been seen discarding once-precious gold nuggets for the lucrative Kryptonite. Many have become instant millionaires in just a week.

“We don’t have the technology (mules) to haul out the gold and silver too,” slobbered a sluggish sluice-boxer from Montrose. “This claim alone has netted over 400,000 tons of the rich ore and we haven’t even got the price tags off the shovels yet!”

Since last Tuesday thirteen camper cities have evolved in any available space from Ridgway to Silverton. Lumber has been cut down to make picnic tables for hungry miners while a glass of orange juice at the Buen Tiempo Restaurant costs about nineteen dollars. Hardware and supply houses as far away as Ridgway are doing a banner business, and there’s no end in sight.

Many of the mining claims are accessible only through Zute Indian lands and some are located right smack in the middle of the Southern Zute Reservation. Mining interests have appealed to the federal government to intercede on their behalf and the state militia has taken up defensive positions surrounding the Zutes. There is hope at press time that an agreement can be reached and violence averted but if not…well…there’s always Utah. At present there are 73 militia for every Indian in the region and that doesn’t take into account the over 30,000 heavily armed miners and the crew of the battleship “Colorow” that is anchored off the Uncompahgre Inlet.

In an official statement Governor Hickenlooper  has asked that persons having no previous business in the area stay away unless they really need the cash. – Rocky Flats

Kirk, Spock on Victory Lap

(Vulcan, CO) The “first-string” crew of the original Starship Enterprise will tour Western Colorado this summer in honor of visiting celestial aliens and as part of an overall awareness of outer space exploration.

Captain James T. Kirk, Officer Spock, Lieutenant Nyota Uhura, Ensign Pavel Chekov, Chief Engineer Montgomery Scott and Chief Medical Officer Leonard Bones McCoy will begin what is being called “a victory lap” by Trekkies in Grand Junction and meander through most rural counties ending in Vail for the start of ski season.

The journey, provoked by the popularity of interstellar crew members on the after dinner speaking circuit, will feature controlled reminiscence, one-to-one contact, question and answer seminars, rare footage from the Emmy Award winning television program, and a celebration recognizing the final defeat of the Klingons back in 1979. In addition pieces of the Starship Enterprise will be on display.

Funded by the United Federation of Planets, the six month excursion will leave plenty of time for adventure, bonding and morality, just like the one-hour serial. Crew members will appear in authentic Star Trek costumes, despite expected weight gain and the fact that the suits are made of uncomfortable polyester. Just for authenticity, they will communicate in familiar tongues of their native lands. All phasers must be checked at the door.

Highlights of the tour include an exhibition of the Vulcan mind meld, and the modern applications of tractor beams, the mystery of Tricorders, photon torpedoes and Romulan cloaking devices. Later in the visit the creator of the series, the late Gene Roddenberry, will be honored at a dinner in Paradox, his adopted hometown.

Despite the fact that the original presentation lasted only three seasons, rerun Star Trek episodes have had a powerful impact on generations all over the globe. An exact agenda of stops and schedules will be released at the Vulcan townsite, under Blue Mesa, on Friday.

– Gamma Cardassians

The super-secret bar…

Montrose is no stranger to hidden gems such as civil war hideouts, underground strip clubs, and my recent discovery of The Bar with No Name. I came across this strange place one night when I was walking through the woods behind Riverbottom park, the super-secret short-cut to my house; not at all an unusual route for me during the summer months. The moon was just a fingernail in the sky when I noticed faint moving light coming deep within some tangled trees in the distance. I proceeded with caution considering there might be a possibility that it was some hoodlums having a fire, getting all liquored up–kids these days. As I got closer I noticed the lights were all different colors, hanging from the trees was a disco ball lit by a single beam of light on top of a little barn wood shack. I pushed my way through the thickness of trees, and then came into a clearing. How had I missed this before?

I didn’t get but three feet in before I was confronted by a man, a very old man. He told me to have a seat, I was about to question him before he started telling me the drink special, it was a “Swedish Sandbox.” In no way did it sound appealing, but this was not the time to be rude, “one of those please.” And do you happen to have helicopter flavored potato chips?” I asked. He ignored me and started to make my drink. I wasn’t sure if his old ears were failing him or if he didn’t understand the question. I watched as he poured what looked to be iced tea (without the ice) into a dirty mug, then reached high up and grabbed an unlabeled bottle from the top shelf and filled the rest of the glass. “Only top shelf for you my friend.”  I didn’t repeat my question, or refuse the drink, I slammed it–he was not impressed by my dedication.

Over a concoction he called a beer (moon shine and yep, iced tea), I was able to ask him a few questions. His name is Bob, short for Bobert and he had been in the spot for almost forty years, working seven days a week. When I asked him why he picked this location for the bar he simply said, “Because I want to.” I stopped the questions there; I could tell there were no secrets to this man, just a simple man that stood in front of me, open, truthful and spontaneous. “I like it here, and there are people out there that depend on me.” I didn’t believe him. I turned around to a rustle in the trees, then a rabbi, a priest and a panda walk into the bar.

I pushed in my plastic chair, it was time for me to leave, I thanked him for the drink and the hospitality and turned to walk back into the real world, “wait,” he said. “About the potato chips, I only have plain.”