WILD WESTERN QUIZ

1. How many Western Slopers does it take to dehorn a heifer? a.) One to hold the cow and three to turn the horns. b.) Three. Two to hold the heifer and four to do the math c.) None. A heifer sheds her horns every Fourth of July.

2. Why are Colorado towns so far apart? a.) To keep the sheep out of the corn. b.) To prevent impulse fist fights between entire communities on Friday nights. c.) Compared to what?

3. What do you suppose the Colorado Rockies will do with the millions they made this year? a.) Rebuild Greeley. b.) Buy washed up pitchers. c.) Fill chuckholes on Blake Street.

4.) Why does Colorado lie between the 40th Parallel and 36th Parallel? a.) It’s a hell of a lot better than standing at attention between the 12th Parallel and the 89th Parallel. b.) Because that’s where the ski areas are located c.) So as to prevent an invasion of the Wyoming Bladney fields by New Mexican militias.

5.) If a sign in Ridgway reads: “Montrose – 26 miles” and a sign in Montrose says “Ridgway – 28 miles” where are the missing two miles? a.) At the bottom of Ridgway Reservoir wearing a pair of cement overshoes. b.) Blame it on the Bossa Nova. c.) Due to the oblique, semi-contiguous angle of the Colona Bulge it actually is two miles longer going south.

6.) Why didn’t the Ute Indians have house plants before the white man? a.) They were notorious over-waterers. b.) Macrame hadn’t been invented yet. c.) There are no windows in tipis

7.) How many assault rifles are there on the Western Slope? a.) Counting Sylvestor Stallone movies? b.) None. Don’t you know they’re illegal? c.) What’s it to you! Are you with the ATF?

8.) Why does the San Juan Horseshoe insist on publishing all year long when it is common knowledge that people don’t start as many fires in the winter? a.) They are great fish wrappers. b.) They are great in the litter box. c.) They kill flies and mosquitos on contact.

9.) Who besides you has bothered to read this far along? a.) People who live in glass outhouses. b.) The police. c.) The advertisers. d.) None of the above.

10.) What was the last South Townsend Avenue boot shop to be operated by a Ute Indian? a.) Chief Jack’s Boots and Waders. b.) The Spot. c.) Mighty Moe’s Montrose Moccasin Mecca.

11.) What does the term “dogie” mean to you personally? a.) What? More heifer jokes? b.) A person who can’t handle a butter knife without bloodshed. c.) You mean that one “in the window”.

12.) What is a telemark? a.) A fashionable mole popular in the Roaring Twenties. b.) Someone who’s sucked in by a phone solicitation. c.) A three-winged nut used in the construction of deer fence.

13.) Complete the following: “If you ain’t a cowboy you ain’t ____.” a.) A cowboy b.) A-gonna need the hat. c.) Rooster Cogburn

14.) Who was Dutch Charlie? a.) The bastard of Flemish Charley’s third wife, Victoria. b.) Inventor of the cast iron biscuit. c.) A sultry cross-dressing flag girl on the Ridgway Reservoir project.

15.) Why are there so many real estate offices in Colorado? a.) Because everybody can’t cook. b.) Because everybody can’t bartend. c.) Send for a free brochure.

16.) How did all the hot springs get hot? a.) Geothermal intercourse. b.) What’s the damn difference? c.) Only your hairdresser knows for sure.

-Srs. Bauxite and Balderstern

ANSWERS ON PAGE 27 @BOOK-10BC = ANSWERS TO QUIZ @BOOK-08C = 1.-b, 2-b, 3-c, 4-a, 5-a, 6-c, 7-c, 8-a, 9-b, 10-b, 11-c, 12-b, 13-b, 14-c, 15-b, 16-c. Give yourself 5 points for each correct answer and 4 points for every incorrect answer. Add your number of points and divide by the number of tvs in your home.